Thus It Begins Again
And here we go again.
So, the first news is that Susan, though she said before that we could move in, changed her mind. She hesitated and said that she wanted to talk to my mom about it, since they're friends, and that was pretty much when I knew it was up. There was no way my mom would help us out like that. She's too selfish about this. She just wants everything HER way, regardless of how that affects my life and my decisions. So, Susan backed out.
That means that several things are about to happen. We're going to have to figure out how to live here for at least two weeks. We're not sure that it's going to happen. Saturday we turn in our Two Weeks Notices, with the added statement on each that if they'd let us go sooner, it'd be appreciated. We can't stay here. My mom is only going to get more and more insane, and we can't risk what that will mean for Brian.
Scott isn't even able to control my mom at this point, and there is no doubt in this world that he holds the power in this house. And he still cannot stop this. My mom is on a rampage. The kind of rampage that I worry sometimes about what she would do if she got a gun. And two weeks is long enough to qualify for a gun. It just worries me enough to make my head nudge me more and more. I just keep thinking--Brian has to talk to CVS. Let them know that his situation is too extreme for the kindness of a Two Week Notice. We need to leave, like, NOW.
What that will mean for me is another story altogether. More and more I entertain the thought of cutting my mom off for a while. Changing my number (which would suck...I hate memorizing new numbers...) in Portland, Oregon. And though we say Portland, it's possible we'll end up in Beaverton or even Vancouver, WA depending on pricing and the like, since it's all within easy commuting distance. My mom wouldn't be able to find me without professional assistance, and in that case, I don't know enough tricks to stay hidden. And at that point, hell, I don't care.
I am not sure it'd really be to my benefit though. I mean, yes, I'd be able to show her the consequences of her actions in a way, but my mom isn't the kind of person who learns things. She doesn't self-examine the same way. She'll just blame Brian more. As if Brian forced me to do it. This is one of the many things I have issue with--just because my mom let's men push her around and make decisions for her, does NOT mean that I do the same. No one but me gets to make my choices. Even if I get cornered, or so it seems, I know that there are still options I can take, even if I think they're insane or stupid. There are always options, no matter what it seems like.
And right now...nothing would make me happier than just packing up in three days and leaving. It's best to start off on a Sunday, because there's less commuter traffic on those freeways getting out of the cities until you get onto things like the I-10, which is really only traffic-y around places like Houston, TX where it's used often for commuting traffic. Most of the time it's wide open any day of the week. Also, hotel rooms don't tend to be so full mid-week, just because you pretty much only have the Business Travel People to compete with for space, rather than vacationers as well. And we're in the weird winter time, after the holidays, so no reason for people to be in the hotels.
I'm thinking about it. If we both just ask nicely, "Would it be all right if you let us go today? We technically quit, and we'll try to stay the full two weeks if you insist, but our home situation is so unstable that we're not sure we'll even be able to realistically hold ourselves to that agreement." Maybe they'll let us go that day, and we'll pack it up. It doesn't take that long to pack everything if we work together. And most of our shit is packed anyway from staying at Susan's. I just think...I don't know. That staying here for all of January just isn't going to be possible.
My mom has already snapped so many times...I keep getting this Feeling that if we don't leave soon, something bad will happen. And I know how vague that sounds, "something bad," but I'm serious. It's as if I Know that if we try to stay until Feb. 1st, we won't be able to leave. No, no...it's more like, *I* won't be able to leave. And the only way that'd happen is if something happened to Brian. I can't leave without his help--my funds alone would only get me to Portland. I'd be broke. And there is a fear in me that has been here since before my mom's Real Snap. I kept having this lingering feeling that if we tried to stay until February, "we won't go at all...*I* won't go at all. Something will happen." Death? Injury? Kidnapping? I don't know.
Still. I'm so done with Florida and all the things that this place represents. It's been painful to be here...and I'm thinking that being responsible in one area is irresponsible in another. It may look better to be at a job for at least Three Months, but I'm not sure that staying here even another two weeks will be good for my mental or physical health. And I know it won't be for Brian's. So, now the question really just is:
How soon can we leave?
So, the first news is that Susan, though she said before that we could move in, changed her mind. She hesitated and said that she wanted to talk to my mom about it, since they're friends, and that was pretty much when I knew it was up. There was no way my mom would help us out like that. She's too selfish about this. She just wants everything HER way, regardless of how that affects my life and my decisions. So, Susan backed out.
That means that several things are about to happen. We're going to have to figure out how to live here for at least two weeks. We're not sure that it's going to happen. Saturday we turn in our Two Weeks Notices, with the added statement on each that if they'd let us go sooner, it'd be appreciated. We can't stay here. My mom is only going to get more and more insane, and we can't risk what that will mean for Brian.
Scott isn't even able to control my mom at this point, and there is no doubt in this world that he holds the power in this house. And he still cannot stop this. My mom is on a rampage. The kind of rampage that I worry sometimes about what she would do if she got a gun. And two weeks is long enough to qualify for a gun. It just worries me enough to make my head nudge me more and more. I just keep thinking--Brian has to talk to CVS. Let them know that his situation is too extreme for the kindness of a Two Week Notice. We need to leave, like, NOW.
What that will mean for me is another story altogether. More and more I entertain the thought of cutting my mom off for a while. Changing my number (which would suck...I hate memorizing new numbers...) in Portland, Oregon. And though we say Portland, it's possible we'll end up in Beaverton or even Vancouver, WA depending on pricing and the like, since it's all within easy commuting distance. My mom wouldn't be able to find me without professional assistance, and in that case, I don't know enough tricks to stay hidden. And at that point, hell, I don't care.
I am not sure it'd really be to my benefit though. I mean, yes, I'd be able to show her the consequences of her actions in a way, but my mom isn't the kind of person who learns things. She doesn't self-examine the same way. She'll just blame Brian more. As if Brian forced me to do it. This is one of the many things I have issue with--just because my mom let's men push her around and make decisions for her, does NOT mean that I do the same. No one but me gets to make my choices. Even if I get cornered, or so it seems, I know that there are still options I can take, even if I think they're insane or stupid. There are always options, no matter what it seems like.
And right now...nothing would make me happier than just packing up in three days and leaving. It's best to start off on a Sunday, because there's less commuter traffic on those freeways getting out of the cities until you get onto things like the I-10, which is really only traffic-y around places like Houston, TX where it's used often for commuting traffic. Most of the time it's wide open any day of the week. Also, hotel rooms don't tend to be so full mid-week, just because you pretty much only have the Business Travel People to compete with for space, rather than vacationers as well. And we're in the weird winter time, after the holidays, so no reason for people to be in the hotels.
I'm thinking about it. If we both just ask nicely, "Would it be all right if you let us go today? We technically quit, and we'll try to stay the full two weeks if you insist, but our home situation is so unstable that we're not sure we'll even be able to realistically hold ourselves to that agreement." Maybe they'll let us go that day, and we'll pack it up. It doesn't take that long to pack everything if we work together. And most of our shit is packed anyway from staying at Susan's. I just think...I don't know. That staying here for all of January just isn't going to be possible.
My mom has already snapped so many times...I keep getting this Feeling that if we don't leave soon, something bad will happen. And I know how vague that sounds, "something bad," but I'm serious. It's as if I Know that if we try to stay until Feb. 1st, we won't be able to leave. No, no...it's more like, *I* won't be able to leave. And the only way that'd happen is if something happened to Brian. I can't leave without his help--my funds alone would only get me to Portland. I'd be broke. And there is a fear in me that has been here since before my mom's Real Snap. I kept having this lingering feeling that if we tried to stay until February, "we won't go at all...*I* won't go at all. Something will happen." Death? Injury? Kidnapping? I don't know.
Still. I'm so done with Florida and all the things that this place represents. It's been painful to be here...and I'm thinking that being responsible in one area is irresponsible in another. It may look better to be at a job for at least Three Months, but I'm not sure that staying here even another two weeks will be good for my mental or physical health. And I know it won't be for Brian's. So, now the question really just is:
How soon can we leave?