Maybe I just need a hug
I feel really emotional today I think this is caused by not getting much sleep last night, I feel low like i could brake down in tears any minute. I feel so fragile, I think if i got a dodgy look I may well shatter into tiny peices. I really need my freinds around me but they all have soo much going on right now that if i needed someone to talk to i feel I would be a burden if i was to cry on thier shoulders.
I love waking up when it's darkthis morning as i left the house, it was the darkest blue outside, the orange of the streetlights gave me enough light to create shadows in my mind of how i remember the street, how it really is shadows that hold memories for me of runnig the streets with my brother, climbing trees home-made go-karts and taking various pets for walks. We used to build dens in the field behind the park, in the old spaceship in the park where i once left my mate jackie stuck there for 2 hours because she called me stupid.
The cold hardly penetraes my skin at all as i stand at the bustop, staring at the battered old estate in which i grew up. Inhabitants angry people unhappy in thier own existance so make it thier business to make sure others around them are just as angry at the world.
I like to sit on the top of the bus. I love the view as i go from Shirmoor to New York, I can see the Coast. I once sat on Tynemouth beach and watched the sunrise it was incredible, watching something that happens everyday and we either don't see it, or don't appreciate it. As I reach Shirmoor the sky is a light blue colour once more the dawn is appearning infront of me, and it's light by the time i reach work. My Father named me Dawn, and if this is why i'm grateful he did.
The Cooper Temple Clause'ssong the waiting game is playing on my MP3 player somehow this mixture triggers something in my brain I can't remember when i felt so tearful I could throw up. Here come the tears, The worst type of crying, the silent tears, the flow of tears without the release of emotion.
I had to refuse a kid entry to the gym todaybecause he was too young but only by a week, but i still wasn't allowed to let him in,and the dissapointment in his face nearly made me cry so hard, thats how stupidly emotional i feel.
Why ami surrounded by family and freinds but still feel lonely? I've been single now for about 4 months after so many bad experiences and hurt albubbling under the surface i'm begining to feel i'll be alone forever, but at the same time, the thought of actually getting intimate with anyone makes me feel physically sick, i don't feel like i could open upo to anyone ever again, men just abuse their powere of you when you open up. I just can't trust anyone not to judge me, I know i'll be caught out eventually, damaged goods they'll say. and it's true i really am. no one will want me now.
Y'know that song by barry white,... I would freely give my life for the man who sees me like that. I't the most romantic thing i've ever heard. I wish with everybone in my body someone could see me as more than what i see, not skinnier, not smarter, not richer, not prettier Just The Way I Am.
It's just an old issue really i just try hard not to be my family, I'm nothing lke them, nothnig, so much so i feel like i could be adopted i'm constantly surrounded by angry, possessive,pesermistic, bitchy, spiteful, selfish, gredy, miserable people who are happy to sit on thier arses all thier lives and do nothing. where as i am shy quiet,passive, optomistic yet ambitios and creative, and 95% of the time HAPPY, such a contrast. I feel exraordinarily out of place in the scummy area.
Maybe i just need a hug...