LOG: 26 November 2007
WHO: Harry and Draco
WHAT: Telling Harry his wife is pregnant is the last thing Draco understands before there is EXPLOSIONS OF ANGST
WHEN: 26 November 2007
WHERE: Malfoy Manor, Harry's Flat
WHY: ANGST *wibble*
WITH: much difficulty understanding two sides of a coin, on both sides. REALLY PLOTTY
Draco was in the Foyer of the Manor, nearly pacing a hole in the floor, waiting to see if Harry came. What would happen? Would he leave him... again? He wasn't sure he could handle that. The first time had been somewhat expected, even if it had hurt like hell - but while this Harry would have (but for this strange turn of events) grown up into THAT Harry, perhaps he should have guarded himself a bit better than he had. Past repeating itself and all that. "Are you coming?" he muttered to himself, still pacing.
The doors swung open and Harry stood there his fist in the air having forgotten that they would do so of their own accord
The blond swung around, "You came!"
He blinked, "Of course I came, you sounded like you were in trouble."
"You don't like people telling you what to do," Draco replied, as though that were an answer - before grabbing his wrist and pulling him off toward his wing of the Manor.
He blinked as he was pulled along. "Well no but you were in trouble...what's going on?"
"I just figured out.. and you will, but you can't, but you will anyhow because that's what you do, because you don't get this sort of, and I'll, we'.. there'll be no more we, I don't want no more we!" Draco babbled before pulling him into his bedroom and shutting the door, leaning back against it and letting Harry go so he could run both hands through his own hair at once.
Harry stared at him. "RIght...I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that."
"I don't want you to leave," Draco said, muffled through his hands covering his face now.
Then he peeked through his fingers at him.
"Ok...but won't your wife mind me staying under your roof tonight?"
He shook his head, then leaned it back against the wall, dangling hands at his sides as he closed his eyes before resting them, almost pleading, on Harry. "Of course not. You're welcome here as long as you want. Hell, I'd love it if you moved in, but you won't, will you? No you're not going to, because you're going to tell me that we can't do this anymore, and what about our families, and just because I was brought up with this twisted kind of marriage outlook thing that you even HELPED me come to terms with, because my parents were actually in love with each other - so it didn't matter, and you're going to leave and I'll just see you across seas of people being happy with Not Me," he babbled, hands waving animatedly.
"Ok now you're hysterical. Just breathe and start again. What...is...wrong?"
"She's pregnant and you're leaving me," Draco replied, dropping his head and hiding behind his hair a bit - something he picked up from his Godfather when he was young. Don't let them see you upset.
"Who's pregnant?"
"Celeste," it was a bare whisper.
"Oh...Oh"
Draco whimpered and slumped against the wall into an undignified seat on the floor, keeping his head down.
Harry frowned softly, "How long?" He asked softly
"Not quite twelve weeks along," he replied quietly.
"Twelve weeks...that's not long."
Draco peeked up through his hair at him. "A third of the way through, actually," he said, still quiet, still ready to wince from yelling or slammed doors, or even silence and a whisper of fabric as Harry opened the door and walked away.
"I mean it's not long since the conception." He murmured
"Three months.... at least a month before we kissed," Draco said, hoping that bit of information would keep Harry from leaving, but still he remained tensed. Harry wouldn't like being with someone who was about to have another child... one that wasn't with some form of himself - he was sure of it.
Harry frowned, "And now...do you still intend on...sleeping with her?"
Draco's eyes remained hidden, though slightly panicked, calculating. "Which answer will keep you from leaving?" he asked, his voice breaking slightly before he cleared his throat.
He stared at him. "Which answer do you think?"
"I've not slept with her since we've been together," Draco replied quietly.
Harry frowned sliding his hands into his pockets dropping his head and looking at his feet.
"And that's the truth, Harry. I may be somewhat of a polygamist, but I'm monogamous in my polygamy," he said quietly. "Listen, if you're going to leave because she's pregnant-" he couldn't say anymore, because his voice got caught in his throat again.
Harry frowned "You didn't answer my question. "Are you still going to sleep with her?"
"She's my wife," he said softly. "I vowed to be there for her through all things, if she wanted and needed me to be. So... It is possible I will sleep with her again at some point, but she has not required it of me recently, and it's possible we won't sleep together - but that will always be a possibility. I need you to understand that," he whispered, looking up at Harry now, fear winning the battle against hope in his eyes. Unspoken was how much he needed Harry to want him, to trust him. But he also knew that if Harry told him that he was absolutely not allowed to see to his wife in that manner anymore, he would be sure to do so - and help her find a substitute, even to building a wing for one of her paramours if needed. But he didn't want to have to say that. He didn't... he just wanted Harry to want him as much as he Needed Harry.
"So you seem to think it's alright to sleep with me and her?"
"I thought we went over this," Draco replied, frustrated and feeling incredibly wounded. He could well imagine Harry felt the same way. "She's my wife."
Harry frowned "No I thought...I was on the understanding that you were married but she was like a friend not that after we get together you'd be sleeping with her on the side." He replied.
"She is! And only if... Harry, she's my wife - you knew this. I sleep with her on occasion, you knew this too. I love her, you also knew that. But over it all, don't you know she's not the one i'm in love with?" he pleaded.
"I didn't think you'd carry on after we got together! Who does that?" He scowled before laughing harshly "and that makes it better does it? Fucks sake I sound like a girl>" He replied pacing. "How can you love someone but think, hey it's alright I can still shag someone else they won't mind at all."
"I MIGHT NOT!" Draco pushed himself to his feet, starting to get angry at their impasse. Angry at so many things. "You are aware that one marries one vows certain things, correct? This is true even in an arranged marriage! I don't break my promises, I should think that would be something you'd be glad of! I don't PLAN on sleeping with her, not as long as you even want me, which I'm beginning to get the clue that perhaps you don't want me as much as I need you!! However! If she needs me in that way, I am bound by vow to see to her needs! Do you have any idea how small that chance is?"
"I'm sorry what? You're getting angry at me, you're the one talking about me accepting my role as what I presume is some sort of rent boy on the side and you're getting angry with me?Are you insane? You have no right no right at all to get all high and mighty on me Malfoy. So when she feels a bit randy I'm chucked out the door and you see to her is that it? No bloody right at all. So don't you dare raise your fucking voice at me."
"I should never have gone on that holiday with you," Draco whispered fiercely. "I should never have agreed to it when you freaked out over the fact that I had a wife whom I slept with on occasion. ON OCCASION. YOU aren't the one on the side, Harry - YOU are my LOVER... or were... as I predict you'll be out that door before the night's over, vowing off purebloods and tradition and everything you refuse to even try to understand." He said all this in a whisper, afraid that if he DID start shouting again, he'd never stop.
"This is my fault? My lack of understanding? Mine? Malfoy what are you failing to grasp? That I have more self worth than to be considered some affair? How long exactly am I supposed to wait till this marriage is over and she doesn't actually have a claim on your fucking genitals? When she's dead? What Am I going to be sat around until I'm a hundred and twenty and she drops dead before you're actually mine. Or were you hoping I'd be some shell with so little self worth that whatever you said no matter how ludicrous would be alright because you're on some egocentric power trip. You're too fucking scared to run your own life you agreed to a ridiculous marriage and now at whatever mangled age you are. Are still such a sheep. Still so scared of what people say that you are stuck shagging someone you consider your sister."
"I can't Divorce her - I'm not some muggle!"
"Wizards get divorced too you bigot."
"Maybe muggleborns," Draco sneered, too angry to try to soothe Harry's idea of political correctness. "When an arranged marriage is done, there's magic involved, you idiot - I literally cannot Divorce her - the consequences are too much. Even if I could, I certainly would not divorce her whilst she is fucking PREGNANT with my child! I will not have any bastards, Potter - I care too much about the sanctity of FAMILY to do that to my children!" Draco's hands clasped into fists at his side, loosed, then clasped again.
"Oh right the sanctitiy of family and marriage but daddy shagging someone on the side is alright because guess what kids adultery is ok."
"I never said anything about the sanctity of marriage. My marriage was a contract, Potter. You're not the bit on the side, not if you even want me anymore - SHE is! Because of contract! And I'm hers, as she's been with that Chang woman for eight years! We are only loyal to each other in that we will not sleep with someone of an opposite sex, and we will be there for each other if we are needed, and provide heirs to each other and each other only. That's it. She does not hold my heart. I have apparently the habit of giving my heart to a certain volitile Gryffindor who apparently is no different this time around than last, and will take great joy in ripping it apart and going off feeling as though he's the wounded one!!!"
Harry stared at him, "feeling as if...Jesus Christ...God forbid I feel like the wounded one Draco. God forbid something happens where it's actually your fault you have actually hurt someone else. Because as we all know Draco Malfoy always and I mean ALWAYS is the one that's hurt most. You fucking bastard. So fucking arrogant. As long as you have a wife I will always be the bit on the side. You are never and I repeat NEVER letting our daughter anywhere near your fucked up idea of a marriage. She is NOT turning into you."
"Don't you DARE take her away from me," Draco actually snarled. Then he laughed, shaking his head, bitter. "You know, it's YOU who told me it was okay! You're the one who helped me learn that if I couldn't marry someone I loved, at least I could possibly find someone on the outside, and that I should look. You didn't know it was YOU that I wanted, but I wasn't about to tell you that after the one-night stand we had so you could 'experiment' before you got married! How can you be the same man, and so different? It's okay as long as it's not you, isn't it? As long as it isn't you, who gives a fuck!"
"I'm sorry are you even listening or are you making this conversation up in your head? DId I fucking say I was taking her away from you? You're just never arranging her marriage. I don't care if she never gets married or shacks up with a fucking centaur so long as she's happy. She is not joining this world of selling yourself for thirty pieces of silver and a title. Excuse me, What the fuck are you talking about I'm not even sodding married? I'm pretty sure no matter which universe I'm from I wasn't thinking you going to carry on shagging your wife in the meantime!"
"Is the word "MIGHT" even in your vocabulary, Potter?! Or do I need to get you a dictionary!"
"Might is supposed to be a comfort, Oh I'm sorry so now I sit around whenever you're late home and wonder if this is the night you're off shagging her cos merlin knows your sodding bloodline is eternally more important than I am."
Harry sighed slumping down in his seat his head in his hands before looking at him tiredly. "You honestly can't see it can you? You can't see why this would even remotely upset me?"
"I can't see why you're upset about something that is a very remote possibility," Draco replied, slumping against the wall again and tugging at his hair.
"It's the fact that its a possibility at all Draco remote or not. You just...I don't understand how you think this was ever okay to ask me? How this was ever okay to put me in this position?"
"Because if our positions were reversed, I would take what I could get, however little you were willing to give me."
"That would never happen, because I would think more of you than that. I would face the world for what I love. Tell them all who I am and I would stand up for myself and shout your name from the rooftops. Proclaim loudly how you were only mine, not cuckold you both in private and in public." He rubbed his eyes tiredly and looked across at the father of his child. "When's she due?" He asked.
Draco closed his eyes and bowed his head, unable to respond anything other than "June."
He frowned softly there was a long silence echoed by the ticking of the clock. "I assume you're planning on coming home sometime tonight."
Draco's head shot up, there was that pesky hope again, struggling to rear its head. "Do you want me to?"
"You're still her father." He replied looking at him. "Just do me one favour. When you...when you go to fuck your wife. Just don't tell me." He replied standing up.
"Okay," Draco whispered, feeling terribly wrung out. He pushed himself up to follow him.
Harry shook his head in disbelief at what he himself was doing before heading out and stalking off down the hall and out of the doors.
Draco followed quietly, afraid the slightest sound would have Harry changing his mind.
Harry frowned coming to a stop at the apparition point before waiting for him looking up at the sky
Draco was there a moment later, his gaze locked on the smooth white pebbles on the floor.
Harry sighed, "I need a walk. Look after her and send her to bed and send Niggle home. I'll be by in a bit.There's stuff for you both to eat left over in the fridge."
"Okay," Draco whispered, glancing up.
Harry nodded and looked at Draco before looking away and disapparating with a pop.
Draco stifled a sob and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands before apparating back to Harry's flat. He sent Niggle home, gave Violetta her bath, read her to sleep, then tucked her into her crib. After that he went and sat on the couch, hugging a pillow as he watched the fireplace's flames, fear still clutching his heart. He knew things would be different now.
Harry returned long into the early hour of the morning. opening the door and letting himself in. Clsosing the door behind him as he padded into the hall.
Draco looked up, watching him silently.
Harry put up his coat before looking at him. "You're not in bed."
"Waited up for you," Draco said quietly.
Harry turned on his heel and headed upstairs getting ready for bed.
Draco sighed and set the pillow aside before standing up and rubbing at his cheeks to get rid of any teartracks, before he followed Harry to the bedroom and quietly changed into his pyjamas.
Harry left the bathroom dressed for bed and sat on the edge staring at the door.
Draco watched him as he buttoned the last button on his pyjamas, before moving to turn down the covers.
Harry breathed out slowly before sliding into the bed staring at the ceiling.
Draco chewed his lip a moment before he climbed in beside him, pulling up the covers over them both. After a moment hesitating thought, he reached out and clasped Harry's hand with his own shaking one.
Harry offered no resistance He simply lay there imagining the person that hand had touched and caressed and could do again. He closed his eyes turning his head away the image of Draco and his wife together laughing at his expense scolded his ears and he scowled facing the door.
Draco pulled away. He supposed, not being raised as he was, that perhaps it was a difficult thing for Harry to understand - even if he couldn't understand why, he did know that he'd hurt him. Hurt Harry. He slipped out of the bed, "I'll go back to the couch," he said quietly.
Harry watched the door. "No get back in bed if VIoletta comes in I'd rather not have to explain why her father's on the sofa."
Draco looked down at Harry, Harry who refused to look at him. "She's one and a half, you wouldn't have to explain anything," he replied quietly. "She's grown up with us not even living in the same home together."
He sighed, "You know what? Do what you like. It's not as if you don't alrady." He muttered.
Draco sighed, forcibly reminding himself that Harry WAS still just eighteen. Eighteen bred sulkiness like it was going out of style, despite it never would. "Is there any reason, other than our daughter, that you want me to stay in here?" he asked softly. "Even a small one?"
"Malfoy... I can't even think straight right now..." He scowled before climbing out of bed. "Oh forget it, I'm going out." He muttered stalking out of the room.
Draco followed him, but grabbed his wrist this time. "Don't go."
Harry came to a stop. "Why?" his arm caught fast. "So you can tell me again how your tradition is more important than a cup and a turkey baster."
"A cup and a turkey baster, I don't... What?" Draco asked, utterly confused.
Harry sighed, "Muggles use it to get pregnant without the sex."
He muttered rolling his eyes ready for the onslaught of anti muggle sentiment
"They do that?!?" Draco asked, utterly surprised. He was about to mention how barbaric such a thing sounded when he saw Harry roll his eyes, so he kept that thought to himself.
"Yeah well they give a damn about whoever they're with." He muttered pulling his hand free.
"But... I do."
"No...Malfoy..." he replied turning to face him. "You don't. If you did, you'd never have told me...if the chance is as remote as you said it was you'd have kept quiet and kept these images from my head."
"You'd rather I lied to you?" he asked.
"I'd rather you saw outside yourself for once and realise exactly how degrading and insulting this is to me. I'm second to your family, second to your tradition...second to everything. With the same mouth that says you'll sleep with your wife you tell me you love me and you don't see how monstrous that is."
"You knew I was married when you kissed me. How does that fit in your world view?" Draco asked, whispering.
"I've wanted to be with you, to be allowed to love you, longer than you've been alive! You think this is a joke?"
"Yeah I knew you were married, I also knew it was out of convenince, That you were free to find other people so much so that she was helping you. Now that to me would suggest that you were not going to carry on a physical relationship after you'd found said person. I think all you can see. All you ever see is how upset you are. How awful this is for you and your life. That's not love Malfoy. that's possesion."
"And demanding I change my entire worldview, decades of what I believed and was taught to be true, within moments - isn't?"
"It's not your entire world view. It's your marriage. Other people manage." He muttered
"You're wrong," Draco replied simply.
"Am I?" He replied before rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Well...nice of you to elaborate."
"I was raised to expect to be married off to whomever my parents deemed appropriate. Is that elabouration enough?"
"Well congratulations I can see by your current situation what a success that was."
Draco pinched at the bridge of his nose. He would not spill tears, he would not spill tears, he would not spill tears.... "Harry, please...."
"I don't know what you want me to say Draco. You're a grown man. Whatever your parents did in the past you now have to take control of. You can't just leave it on their door anymore you're an adult now. You take responsibility for your own actions."
"Yes, because trying to do better by being an honest man is doing fucking wonders!"
"Malfoy there's more than one way to get a woman pregnant but you're insisting on sleeping with her and telling me about it and what you expect me to be happy about it?"
"I didn't know that, I never said that, and I'd expect that if I never said anything, and yet had to do so and you found out, you'd be far more upset! I was wrong, obviously."
"No I think if you'd done that I would've left...in fact I don't even know why I'm still here." He muttered. "WHy should I be here Draco? Why should I just accept being second best in this world of yours."
"Because you're NOT second best!"
"Of course I am. Draco I will always be second I'm not your partner or your other half because you already have one. One who can call on you to do something that makes me feel like a worthless doormat."
"Give me a week," he replied quietly. "To... to find a way for us to work. Please."
Harry sighed putting his coat down, "FIne." He replied, relenting.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Harry nodded sitting down with an exhausted slump, his shoulders hunched.
"Come to bed," he asked, reaching out one hand to him.
Harry took his hand and stood up, worn out and broken as he walked to him.
"I'll find a way," he told him, guiding him back to the bedroom.
Harry frowned and nodded climbing into bed once more
Draco climbed in behind him as the lights went out, pulling up the blankets. He didn't know if he'd be welcome to cuddle, like he'd been, so he lay stiffly beside him, trying not to panic. How in the WORLD was he going to find a way out of this.
Harry curled up in the bed lying on his side. Pulling the quilt up to his chin breathing out with a shuddering breath as he closed his eyes.
Draco waited the long long while it took before Harry's breath seemed to even out, then he rested one hand next to Harry's shoulder, just to touch him, if only a little, before closing his own eyes with a heavy sigh.
WHAT: Telling Harry his wife is pregnant is the last thing Draco understands before there is EXPLOSIONS OF ANGST
WHEN: 26 November 2007
WHERE: Malfoy Manor, Harry's Flat
WHY: ANGST *wibble*
WITH: much difficulty understanding two sides of a coin, on both sides. REALLY PLOTTY
Draco was in the Foyer of the Manor, nearly pacing a hole in the floor, waiting to see if Harry came. What would happen? Would he leave him... again? He wasn't sure he could handle that. The first time had been somewhat expected, even if it had hurt like hell - but while this Harry would have (but for this strange turn of events) grown up into THAT Harry, perhaps he should have guarded himself a bit better than he had. Past repeating itself and all that. "Are you coming?" he muttered to himself, still pacing.
The doors swung open and Harry stood there his fist in the air having forgotten that they would do so of their own accord
The blond swung around, "You came!"
He blinked, "Of course I came, you sounded like you were in trouble."
"You don't like people telling you what to do," Draco replied, as though that were an answer - before grabbing his wrist and pulling him off toward his wing of the Manor.
He blinked as he was pulled along. "Well no but you were in trouble...what's going on?"
"I just figured out.. and you will, but you can't, but you will anyhow because that's what you do, because you don't get this sort of, and I'll, we'.. there'll be no more we, I don't want no more we!" Draco babbled before pulling him into his bedroom and shutting the door, leaning back against it and letting Harry go so he could run both hands through his own hair at once.
Harry stared at him. "RIght...I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that."
"I don't want you to leave," Draco said, muffled through his hands covering his face now.
Then he peeked through his fingers at him.
"Ok...but won't your wife mind me staying under your roof tonight?"
He shook his head, then leaned it back against the wall, dangling hands at his sides as he closed his eyes before resting them, almost pleading, on Harry. "Of course not. You're welcome here as long as you want. Hell, I'd love it if you moved in, but you won't, will you? No you're not going to, because you're going to tell me that we can't do this anymore, and what about our families, and just because I was brought up with this twisted kind of marriage outlook thing that you even HELPED me come to terms with, because my parents were actually in love with each other - so it didn't matter, and you're going to leave and I'll just see you across seas of people being happy with Not Me," he babbled, hands waving animatedly.
"Ok now you're hysterical. Just breathe and start again. What...is...wrong?"
"She's pregnant and you're leaving me," Draco replied, dropping his head and hiding behind his hair a bit - something he picked up from his Godfather when he was young. Don't let them see you upset.
"Who's pregnant?"
"Celeste," it was a bare whisper.
"Oh...Oh"
Draco whimpered and slumped against the wall into an undignified seat on the floor, keeping his head down.
Harry frowned softly, "How long?" He asked softly
"Not quite twelve weeks along," he replied quietly.
"Twelve weeks...that's not long."
Draco peeked up through his hair at him. "A third of the way through, actually," he said, still quiet, still ready to wince from yelling or slammed doors, or even silence and a whisper of fabric as Harry opened the door and walked away.
"I mean it's not long since the conception." He murmured
"Three months.... at least a month before we kissed," Draco said, hoping that bit of information would keep Harry from leaving, but still he remained tensed. Harry wouldn't like being with someone who was about to have another child... one that wasn't with some form of himself - he was sure of it.
Harry frowned, "And now...do you still intend on...sleeping with her?"
Draco's eyes remained hidden, though slightly panicked, calculating. "Which answer will keep you from leaving?" he asked, his voice breaking slightly before he cleared his throat.
He stared at him. "Which answer do you think?"
"I've not slept with her since we've been together," Draco replied quietly.
Harry frowned sliding his hands into his pockets dropping his head and looking at his feet.
"And that's the truth, Harry. I may be somewhat of a polygamist, but I'm monogamous in my polygamy," he said quietly. "Listen, if you're going to leave because she's pregnant-" he couldn't say anymore, because his voice got caught in his throat again.
Harry frowned "You didn't answer my question. "Are you still going to sleep with her?"
"She's my wife," he said softly. "I vowed to be there for her through all things, if she wanted and needed me to be. So... It is possible I will sleep with her again at some point, but she has not required it of me recently, and it's possible we won't sleep together - but that will always be a possibility. I need you to understand that," he whispered, looking up at Harry now, fear winning the battle against hope in his eyes. Unspoken was how much he needed Harry to want him, to trust him. But he also knew that if Harry told him that he was absolutely not allowed to see to his wife in that manner anymore, he would be sure to do so - and help her find a substitute, even to building a wing for one of her paramours if needed. But he didn't want to have to say that. He didn't... he just wanted Harry to want him as much as he Needed Harry.
"So you seem to think it's alright to sleep with me and her?"
"I thought we went over this," Draco replied, frustrated and feeling incredibly wounded. He could well imagine Harry felt the same way. "She's my wife."
Harry frowned "No I thought...I was on the understanding that you were married but she was like a friend not that after we get together you'd be sleeping with her on the side." He replied.
"She is! And only if... Harry, she's my wife - you knew this. I sleep with her on occasion, you knew this too. I love her, you also knew that. But over it all, don't you know she's not the one i'm in love with?" he pleaded.
"I didn't think you'd carry on after we got together! Who does that?" He scowled before laughing harshly "and that makes it better does it? Fucks sake I sound like a girl>" He replied pacing. "How can you love someone but think, hey it's alright I can still shag someone else they won't mind at all."
"I MIGHT NOT!" Draco pushed himself to his feet, starting to get angry at their impasse. Angry at so many things. "You are aware that one marries one vows certain things, correct? This is true even in an arranged marriage! I don't break my promises, I should think that would be something you'd be glad of! I don't PLAN on sleeping with her, not as long as you even want me, which I'm beginning to get the clue that perhaps you don't want me as much as I need you!! However! If she needs me in that way, I am bound by vow to see to her needs! Do you have any idea how small that chance is?"
"I'm sorry what? You're getting angry at me, you're the one talking about me accepting my role as what I presume is some sort of rent boy on the side and you're getting angry with me?Are you insane? You have no right no right at all to get all high and mighty on me Malfoy. So when she feels a bit randy I'm chucked out the door and you see to her is that it? No bloody right at all. So don't you dare raise your fucking voice at me."
"I should never have gone on that holiday with you," Draco whispered fiercely. "I should never have agreed to it when you freaked out over the fact that I had a wife whom I slept with on occasion. ON OCCASION. YOU aren't the one on the side, Harry - YOU are my LOVER... or were... as I predict you'll be out that door before the night's over, vowing off purebloods and tradition and everything you refuse to even try to understand." He said all this in a whisper, afraid that if he DID start shouting again, he'd never stop.
"This is my fault? My lack of understanding? Mine? Malfoy what are you failing to grasp? That I have more self worth than to be considered some affair? How long exactly am I supposed to wait till this marriage is over and she doesn't actually have a claim on your fucking genitals? When she's dead? What Am I going to be sat around until I'm a hundred and twenty and she drops dead before you're actually mine. Or were you hoping I'd be some shell with so little self worth that whatever you said no matter how ludicrous would be alright because you're on some egocentric power trip. You're too fucking scared to run your own life you agreed to a ridiculous marriage and now at whatever mangled age you are. Are still such a sheep. Still so scared of what people say that you are stuck shagging someone you consider your sister."
"I can't Divorce her - I'm not some muggle!"
"Wizards get divorced too you bigot."
"Maybe muggleborns," Draco sneered, too angry to try to soothe Harry's idea of political correctness. "When an arranged marriage is done, there's magic involved, you idiot - I literally cannot Divorce her - the consequences are too much. Even if I could, I certainly would not divorce her whilst she is fucking PREGNANT with my child! I will not have any bastards, Potter - I care too much about the sanctity of FAMILY to do that to my children!" Draco's hands clasped into fists at his side, loosed, then clasped again.
"Oh right the sanctitiy of family and marriage but daddy shagging someone on the side is alright because guess what kids adultery is ok."
"I never said anything about the sanctity of marriage. My marriage was a contract, Potter. You're not the bit on the side, not if you even want me anymore - SHE is! Because of contract! And I'm hers, as she's been with that Chang woman for eight years! We are only loyal to each other in that we will not sleep with someone of an opposite sex, and we will be there for each other if we are needed, and provide heirs to each other and each other only. That's it. She does not hold my heart. I have apparently the habit of giving my heart to a certain volitile Gryffindor who apparently is no different this time around than last, and will take great joy in ripping it apart and going off feeling as though he's the wounded one!!!"
Harry stared at him, "feeling as if...Jesus Christ...God forbid I feel like the wounded one Draco. God forbid something happens where it's actually your fault you have actually hurt someone else. Because as we all know Draco Malfoy always and I mean ALWAYS is the one that's hurt most. You fucking bastard. So fucking arrogant. As long as you have a wife I will always be the bit on the side. You are never and I repeat NEVER letting our daughter anywhere near your fucked up idea of a marriage. She is NOT turning into you."
"Don't you DARE take her away from me," Draco actually snarled. Then he laughed, shaking his head, bitter. "You know, it's YOU who told me it was okay! You're the one who helped me learn that if I couldn't marry someone I loved, at least I could possibly find someone on the outside, and that I should look. You didn't know it was YOU that I wanted, but I wasn't about to tell you that after the one-night stand we had so you could 'experiment' before you got married! How can you be the same man, and so different? It's okay as long as it's not you, isn't it? As long as it isn't you, who gives a fuck!"
"I'm sorry are you even listening or are you making this conversation up in your head? DId I fucking say I was taking her away from you? You're just never arranging her marriage. I don't care if she never gets married or shacks up with a fucking centaur so long as she's happy. She is not joining this world of selling yourself for thirty pieces of silver and a title. Excuse me, What the fuck are you talking about I'm not even sodding married? I'm pretty sure no matter which universe I'm from I wasn't thinking you going to carry on shagging your wife in the meantime!"
"Is the word "MIGHT" even in your vocabulary, Potter?! Or do I need to get you a dictionary!"
"Might is supposed to be a comfort, Oh I'm sorry so now I sit around whenever you're late home and wonder if this is the night you're off shagging her cos merlin knows your sodding bloodline is eternally more important than I am."
Harry sighed slumping down in his seat his head in his hands before looking at him tiredly. "You honestly can't see it can you? You can't see why this would even remotely upset me?"
"I can't see why you're upset about something that is a very remote possibility," Draco replied, slumping against the wall again and tugging at his hair.
"It's the fact that its a possibility at all Draco remote or not. You just...I don't understand how you think this was ever okay to ask me? How this was ever okay to put me in this position?"
"Because if our positions were reversed, I would take what I could get, however little you were willing to give me."
"That would never happen, because I would think more of you than that. I would face the world for what I love. Tell them all who I am and I would stand up for myself and shout your name from the rooftops. Proclaim loudly how you were only mine, not cuckold you both in private and in public." He rubbed his eyes tiredly and looked across at the father of his child. "When's she due?" He asked.
Draco closed his eyes and bowed his head, unable to respond anything other than "June."
He frowned softly there was a long silence echoed by the ticking of the clock. "I assume you're planning on coming home sometime tonight."
Draco's head shot up, there was that pesky hope again, struggling to rear its head. "Do you want me to?"
"You're still her father." He replied looking at him. "Just do me one favour. When you...when you go to fuck your wife. Just don't tell me." He replied standing up.
"Okay," Draco whispered, feeling terribly wrung out. He pushed himself up to follow him.
Harry shook his head in disbelief at what he himself was doing before heading out and stalking off down the hall and out of the doors.
Draco followed quietly, afraid the slightest sound would have Harry changing his mind.
Harry frowned coming to a stop at the apparition point before waiting for him looking up at the sky
Draco was there a moment later, his gaze locked on the smooth white pebbles on the floor.
Harry sighed, "I need a walk. Look after her and send her to bed and send Niggle home. I'll be by in a bit.There's stuff for you both to eat left over in the fridge."
"Okay," Draco whispered, glancing up.
Harry nodded and looked at Draco before looking away and disapparating with a pop.
Draco stifled a sob and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands before apparating back to Harry's flat. He sent Niggle home, gave Violetta her bath, read her to sleep, then tucked her into her crib. After that he went and sat on the couch, hugging a pillow as he watched the fireplace's flames, fear still clutching his heart. He knew things would be different now.
Harry returned long into the early hour of the morning. opening the door and letting himself in. Clsosing the door behind him as he padded into the hall.
Draco looked up, watching him silently.
Harry put up his coat before looking at him. "You're not in bed."
"Waited up for you," Draco said quietly.
Harry turned on his heel and headed upstairs getting ready for bed.
Draco sighed and set the pillow aside before standing up and rubbing at his cheeks to get rid of any teartracks, before he followed Harry to the bedroom and quietly changed into his pyjamas.
Harry left the bathroom dressed for bed and sat on the edge staring at the door.
Draco watched him as he buttoned the last button on his pyjamas, before moving to turn down the covers.
Harry breathed out slowly before sliding into the bed staring at the ceiling.
Draco chewed his lip a moment before he climbed in beside him, pulling up the covers over them both. After a moment hesitating thought, he reached out and clasped Harry's hand with his own shaking one.
Harry offered no resistance He simply lay there imagining the person that hand had touched and caressed and could do again. He closed his eyes turning his head away the image of Draco and his wife together laughing at his expense scolded his ears and he scowled facing the door.
Draco pulled away. He supposed, not being raised as he was, that perhaps it was a difficult thing for Harry to understand - even if he couldn't understand why, he did know that he'd hurt him. Hurt Harry. He slipped out of the bed, "I'll go back to the couch," he said quietly.
Harry watched the door. "No get back in bed if VIoletta comes in I'd rather not have to explain why her father's on the sofa."
Draco looked down at Harry, Harry who refused to look at him. "She's one and a half, you wouldn't have to explain anything," he replied quietly. "She's grown up with us not even living in the same home together."
He sighed, "You know what? Do what you like. It's not as if you don't alrady." He muttered.
Draco sighed, forcibly reminding himself that Harry WAS still just eighteen. Eighteen bred sulkiness like it was going out of style, despite it never would. "Is there any reason, other than our daughter, that you want me to stay in here?" he asked softly. "Even a small one?"
"Malfoy... I can't even think straight right now..." He scowled before climbing out of bed. "Oh forget it, I'm going out." He muttered stalking out of the room.
Draco followed him, but grabbed his wrist this time. "Don't go."
Harry came to a stop. "Why?" his arm caught fast. "So you can tell me again how your tradition is more important than a cup and a turkey baster."
"A cup and a turkey baster, I don't... What?" Draco asked, utterly confused.
Harry sighed, "Muggles use it to get pregnant without the sex."
He muttered rolling his eyes ready for the onslaught of anti muggle sentiment
"They do that?!?" Draco asked, utterly surprised. He was about to mention how barbaric such a thing sounded when he saw Harry roll his eyes, so he kept that thought to himself.
"Yeah well they give a damn about whoever they're with." He muttered pulling his hand free.
"But... I do."
"No...Malfoy..." he replied turning to face him. "You don't. If you did, you'd never have told me...if the chance is as remote as you said it was you'd have kept quiet and kept these images from my head."
"You'd rather I lied to you?" he asked.
"I'd rather you saw outside yourself for once and realise exactly how degrading and insulting this is to me. I'm second to your family, second to your tradition...second to everything. With the same mouth that says you'll sleep with your wife you tell me you love me and you don't see how monstrous that is."
"You knew I was married when you kissed me. How does that fit in your world view?" Draco asked, whispering.
"I've wanted to be with you, to be allowed to love you, longer than you've been alive! You think this is a joke?"
"Yeah I knew you were married, I also knew it was out of convenince, That you were free to find other people so much so that she was helping you. Now that to me would suggest that you were not going to carry on a physical relationship after you'd found said person. I think all you can see. All you ever see is how upset you are. How awful this is for you and your life. That's not love Malfoy. that's possesion."
"And demanding I change my entire worldview, decades of what I believed and was taught to be true, within moments - isn't?"
"It's not your entire world view. It's your marriage. Other people manage." He muttered
"You're wrong," Draco replied simply.
"Am I?" He replied before rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Well...nice of you to elaborate."
"I was raised to expect to be married off to whomever my parents deemed appropriate. Is that elabouration enough?"
"Well congratulations I can see by your current situation what a success that was."
Draco pinched at the bridge of his nose. He would not spill tears, he would not spill tears, he would not spill tears.... "Harry, please...."
"I don't know what you want me to say Draco. You're a grown man. Whatever your parents did in the past you now have to take control of. You can't just leave it on their door anymore you're an adult now. You take responsibility for your own actions."
"Yes, because trying to do better by being an honest man is doing fucking wonders!"
"Malfoy there's more than one way to get a woman pregnant but you're insisting on sleeping with her and telling me about it and what you expect me to be happy about it?"
"I didn't know that, I never said that, and I'd expect that if I never said anything, and yet had to do so and you found out, you'd be far more upset! I was wrong, obviously."
"No I think if you'd done that I would've left...in fact I don't even know why I'm still here." He muttered. "WHy should I be here Draco? Why should I just accept being second best in this world of yours."
"Because you're NOT second best!"
"Of course I am. Draco I will always be second I'm not your partner or your other half because you already have one. One who can call on you to do something that makes me feel like a worthless doormat."
"Give me a week," he replied quietly. "To... to find a way for us to work. Please."
Harry sighed putting his coat down, "FIne." He replied, relenting.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Harry nodded sitting down with an exhausted slump, his shoulders hunched.
"Come to bed," he asked, reaching out one hand to him.
Harry took his hand and stood up, worn out and broken as he walked to him.
"I'll find a way," he told him, guiding him back to the bedroom.
Harry frowned and nodded climbing into bed once more
Draco climbed in behind him as the lights went out, pulling up the blankets. He didn't know if he'd be welcome to cuddle, like he'd been, so he lay stiffly beside him, trying not to panic. How in the WORLD was he going to find a way out of this.
Harry curled up in the bed lying on his side. Pulling the quilt up to his chin breathing out with a shuddering breath as he closed his eyes.
Draco waited the long long while it took before Harry's breath seemed to even out, then he rested one hand next to Harry's shoulder, just to touch him, if only a little, before closing his own eyes with a heavy sigh.