So Unsure ...
I have found that my trust and faith in people has been sorely tested - and I have failed. For the longest time, I was not a trusting person. I trusted less people than I had fingers to count them on, and through my first two years of college, I could list you the names of every person I ever truly trusted, and when that trust fell out, if it did, why it did, etc.
The last few years, I have found myself opening up to the possibilities of trusting more people. Within the department in which I work, trust is integral to the relationships that I hold.
However, that intuition, that faith, that trust - have failed me. ... Again.
When will I learn? I need to find a happy medium between guarding my heart and life against everyone and holding that heart out saying "here! Come and get it! Free unguarded heart! Unplated back as well! Free stabs for all!!" It just doens't work. I don't think extremes ever do *really* work, and I've never consciously subscribed to them, but where trust and love are concerned? It's like I'm on extreme autopilot. I can't help it. For example - love to hate to ?? for c3 in about 2.5 seconds. Constantly. Can there be no "Well. You really hurt my feelings, and I still care about you, but I need to be away from you and I can't love you right now." ? Apparently not.
And the woman I calle ... -ed ... friend and mentor. It feels like I have a constant knife in my back, carving, laughing. Asking me why I don't defend myself. Giggling when I try. Laughing hysterically at any attempt I make. I feel like a joke.
Let me type that again.
I feel like a joke.
At no point growing up did I ever legitimately think that coming to college would yield that result. In fact, if I thought about it at all, feeling like I was the butt of the joke was the furthest thing, the exact opposite of the thing that I thought I would feel, that I thought might happen. However, there you have it. Every time I turn around, every time I ask a question, every time I make a proposal - I can't. It's not feasible, I dream too much, the budget won't allow for all of this. But you can go and spend my *entire* budget for a week long set of events *and then some* for one event during said event week? Without so much as a "Hey, how are you, fuck you, or by your leave?" But I can't say "hey! Let's do this! It's cheaper and more awesome than that other one." *headdesk*
And then I wonder why I was hired? Am I really just a good little work-a-bot? Or do I have a real head on my shoulders? Why are these even questions on my mind? Why don't I have answers for them??
The last few years, I have found myself opening up to the possibilities of trusting more people. Within the department in which I work, trust is integral to the relationships that I hold.
However, that intuition, that faith, that trust - have failed me. ... Again.
When will I learn? I need to find a happy medium between guarding my heart and life against everyone and holding that heart out saying "here! Come and get it! Free unguarded heart! Unplated back as well! Free stabs for all!!" It just doens't work. I don't think extremes ever do *really* work, and I've never consciously subscribed to them, but where trust and love are concerned? It's like I'm on extreme autopilot. I can't help it. For example - love to hate to ?? for c3 in about 2.5 seconds. Constantly. Can there be no "Well. You really hurt my feelings, and I still care about you, but I need to be away from you and I can't love you right now." ? Apparently not.
And the woman I calle ... -ed ... friend and mentor. It feels like I have a constant knife in my back, carving, laughing. Asking me why I don't defend myself. Giggling when I try. Laughing hysterically at any attempt I make. I feel like a joke.
Let me type that again.
I feel like a joke.
At no point growing up did I ever legitimately think that coming to college would yield that result. In fact, if I thought about it at all, feeling like I was the butt of the joke was the furthest thing, the exact opposite of the thing that I thought I would feel, that I thought might happen. However, there you have it. Every time I turn around, every time I ask a question, every time I make a proposal - I can't. It's not feasible, I dream too much, the budget won't allow for all of this. But you can go and spend my *entire* budget for a week long set of events *and then some* for one event during said event week? Without so much as a "Hey, how are you, fuck you, or by your leave?" But I can't say "hey! Let's do this! It's cheaper and more awesome than that other one." *headdesk*
And then I wonder why I was hired? Am I really just a good little work-a-bot? Or do I have a real head on my shoulders? Why are these even questions on my mind? Why don't I have answers for them??