Shadows of Self, an entry for the Flame

[silver_raven]

There - just there, stapled to the wall with the teeniest bit of yellowed scotch tape in the upper left corner, left as a reminder of its long ago attachment to another wall in another time, another memory. "Me and Jack - 1996" The writing was small and scrawled in my imperfect hand across the dingy white bottom of the Polaroid. It was a happy

Comments

Editor!

[captainpookey]

I really liked the piece, especially the way you tied the very beginning back to the end. Your character’s voice was very strong. I wish this piece had been a little longer in some places, because it was fun and interesting to read.

The 1st paragraph had a few awkward spots in it. I had to read the 1st sentence several times to figure out whether the photo had been taped to the wall, or stapled, and I think it could use slight rewording. I also believe it might be a fragment, because you don’t specify what’s been stapled to the wall until the next sentence, when you talk about what’s written on the Polaroid.

I really liked this bit:

Then there, lopsided on the rough wood paneling was my wedding photo. Not one snapped by my mother or his, but the true, honest-to-God-we-actually-did-it photo from the hired photographer. I think her name was Jill.

It made me giggle. I also liked the way in which you discussed the throwaway camera, because I think the reader can definitely relate (at least, I know I can :P).

The “it’s” in this sentence ( “...continued it's descent into a brier filled ravine.”) should probably be just “its”.

This sentence felt a little awkward to me, and could probably be condensed to be less wordy; “The guy in the Ferrari was my husband, the fantastic Jeremy, who, in the picture was in the background screaming his head off.” Maybe just say “who, in the background of the picture, was screaming his head off.”

I loved the way you described the character, because it showed how downhill her life had gone. I have a small qualm with the word “shittily” though, because I don’t think it’s really an adjective, and because I believe you could find a much more colorful word to use.

I loved this; ”Once upon a time that body wore silks and furs like second skins. I smirked at she who stared at me, and she smirked too, sort of. It looked more like a grimace, though.” And then, of course, the ending as well.

Other than that, I don’t have much to say. You might want to put quotations around the title of the Iron man comic in the beginning.

Hope this helps! :]