A rant not politely hidden behind some LJ cut, because too much about rape is already hidden.
First, as friends, I offer you cheap books. Pass it on. (probably limited to the UK).
And who in Britain wasn’t outraged by the outcome of the Amnesty International Sexual Abuse survey, yesterday on Monday? (Of course, Biascut was).
First of all, the lack of awareness of the prevalence of rape disturbed me. On one level, I can understand most people having no idea of numbers (many people have little ability to comprehend numbers and actual risk), but even the top estimate seems frighteningly low when you tally it with another report that suggested one in four women claims to have been raped at some point in their lives (I can’t quickly call up the sources, but remember it clearly from news). In a country of 60 million, that’s 7.5 million women who claim to have been raped. If you assume the average age of women participating in such a survey to be forty-five (as in the Amnesty survey), and assume few rapes occur before the age of five, that’s 7.5M/40 rapes per year i.e. a very rough estimate of almost 200,000 rapes per year.
Now do the maths the other way round: in the news it was reported that there were about seven hundred and fifty convictions for rape last year (with five hundred newly recruited specialist rape officers, rubbish, innit?). They also stated a conviction rate of about 7% of reported rapes, with 70% of rapes not reported to the police at all. That gives you around 35,000 rapes per year, suggesting about 5% of women, or one in twenty women are raped over the course of their lives. There’s a HUGE disparity in the numbers, depending on how they’re arrived at, indicating somebody’s got something wrong. I’m not a social scientist and have no knowledge of the methodology for the ‘one in four’ data, or the 70% of rapes go unreported, so perhaps they’re flawed, but either way, every year there are tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of women who are raped in Britain and ONLY SEVEN HUNDRED OR SO MEN ARE CONVICTED. Something needs to be done.
Then you get onto the attitudes: that anyone should think that a woman might be in some way responsible if she gets raped when she’s drunk, behaves flirtatiously, dresses in what could be construed as ‘sexy’ or revealing clothing or has had a number of previous lovers is an unfortunate reflection upon society, but not surprising; but that about one third of the population consider that women could in some way be responsible in these circumstances is FUCKED (yes, that includes other women; indeed, women are particularly hard on other women who are drunk or have had lots of partners previously). Let’s not even get on to the five to ten percent who think that it is WHOLLY A WOMAN’S FAULT if she gets raped under such circumstances. Men obviously have no control over themselves at all in the presence of a drunk or sexually experienced woman!
If I dress a little sexily, that doesn’t mean it’s for you, or you, or even you over there; but it may just be for you, if you’re lucky, and even then that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to fuck you. Maybe I’m just dressed like that for me? And if I talk to you, does that mean I want your dirty dick between my legs? I think not. Yet some people are so confused, they could consider even polite conversation flirtation. And even if I chose to kiss you; let you slip your finger up between my thighs; even if I was wet for you, that doesn’t mean I want your cock in my cunt. That other men have been there first doesn’t make it a universal path to be trampled without my assent: it just means I’ll more likely understand the boundary between coercion and inferred consent, without feeling guilty for my ‘lack of clarity’. Because, you know, if I want sex with you, you’ll know it. And if you’re not sure, just fucking ask: that doesn’t have to be unsexy if you do it right.
· If I am too drunk or in any way unconscious1 to consent to sex, I am not responsible for your actions if you choose to fuck me. This is rape.
· If I am friendly or flirtatious. If I have been open to your earlier advances; engaged with you in intimate acts, and you think that because I let you enter one part of my body it gives you rights to enter any other, despite what I might say, this is rape.
· If you scare me so that I fail to say ‘no’, but can see my body is resisting; or give me no opportunity to say ‘no’ and my body shows no signs of assent; and yet you still proceed, this is rape.2
· If I dress or behave in a manner that is intended to attract your attention and make you look my way, it means I want your attention; I want you to look my way. I may even be considering having sex with you, if you show yourself to be of sufficient interest when we interact. Do not assume my desire for your attention is a desire for you to fuck me, and if you do, despite my protestations, this is rape.
· If I have a history of consensual sex with many men I like and choose, this does not mean I don’t mind if I have sex with you. If you assume and act on this, this is rape.
· If I have to walk home alone for whatever reason and you see me in the street, I am not looking for sex. If you assume I am and act on this, this is rape.
I choose who I let inside of me, and I have the right to exercise that choice right up to the point that you’ve been inside me, until just before your eyes glaze over at the point of no return. If at any point along that path you show some trait that makes me unsure of things, or my head swings around as I consider what I’m up to and what the likely consequences will be and I’m not convinced you’re worth it, I can say, ‘no’ and if you’re any kind of man you’ll respect that. I understand that once I’ve chosen to let you in, it’s unlikely to be regarded as rape in many others’ eyes if I then say, ‘stop’; but my eyes will scream ‘fucked-up abuser’ every time you later look at me. But if you rape me, I’ll do everything in my power to ensure that you’re with those seven hundred or so who go down. And even if the jury comprises too many of those fools who make the thirty per cent that Amnesty found, I’ll make sure you’re sufficiently tainted that you’ll not walk away unstained for all who count to see.
While one third of the population think that it’s in some way a rape victim’s fault if she is raped, it also means one third of rape victims believed this and one third of juries. Such attitudes need to be changed so that some men aren’t getting away with rape so easily; and so that most of the men out there, who would likely never do such a thing are not tarred with the dirty brush of all those rapists.
1This is not the same as waking up to find your lover who you know and trust and choose to sleep naked next to is making love to you, when you’ve told then this is something that you like.
2Of the questions asked by Amnesty, the one that I could under some circumstances consider a woman has an element of responsibility for is ‘if the woman has failed to say ‘no’ clearly.’ If earlier in the proceedings, I’d intimated ‘maybe’ and at no point subsequent to that had I indicated ‘no’, either physically or verbally, despite having the opportunity to, then this is NOT rape. This is taking advantage of a woman who is not clear of her mind. It’s wrong, it’s sad, it’s horrid, but it’s unlikely to be rape.