One by one
And in times of trouble, it appears I come crawling back.
I haven't seen much reason to update thing thing in so damn long it only still exists as my fandom machine. But then everything goes to shit and I just need to vent. Vent vent vent vent vent vent. The cat better bloody stay away from me tonight.
This year started so well. Hell, it was almost too well. I mean, come on. I could art again, my sister was moving to Melbourne, jesus christ, I even had a boyfriend. Jump two months down the line and old flat mate tells me she and the boyfriend want to move in together fucking three days after my sister signs a two semester contract for student housing and pays out nearly 3grand after we spent a fortnight unsure if she'd have anywhere to live when she got off her flight. Nice. Two weeks later and Ellie's moving out and I'm left to find someone to move in. Easy right? No fucking way. I've gone through the same fucking loops for months. Post the ads, clean the house, answer the same questions. Not hear from said person again. Answer the same questions. organise a viewing. Clean the house. answer more questions. Person tells me they'll get back to me. Never does. Nice. AND REPEAT.
Two weeks ago the stress was GONE. I had someone! He was willing to sign a lease! He came and saw the room again to measure it for his stuff like three days ago! He was meant to give me bond and rent money today! He can't move in! His old lease is still going for another two months! fuck you! Now I'm left with a week to come up with an extra $800. I can do it. I mean, I took out a fucking bank loan for just this situation. But christ, I shouldn't have needed it. It should have been okay. I was doing okay at the beginning of this year. I was. And now I've got nothing. I've got no money, no flat mate, no energy, no joy. I'm a fucking mess and that's with all this detachment I've got going on. I'm not even feeling half of what I know is there and I just can't fucking stand it. I dont know what I'm doing. I hate my job but I can't get anything with my degree because my portfolio fucking sucks, because you need minimum 2 years experience for the entry level jobs in graphic design, which I have NO EXPERIENCE IN WHATSOEVER, there are no internships going to GET experience. I'm going in one disaster loop after another and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm so fucking lost and tired I can't handle anything right now. I'm sick of just going on and on, barely existing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for months and I seriously dont know if there's much left there. There's no leeway, just more scraping. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?
I haven't seen much reason to update thing thing in so damn long it only still exists as my fandom machine. But then everything goes to shit and I just need to vent. Vent vent vent vent vent vent. The cat better bloody stay away from me tonight.
This year started so well. Hell, it was almost too well. I mean, come on. I could art again, my sister was moving to Melbourne, jesus christ, I even had a boyfriend. Jump two months down the line and old flat mate tells me she and the boyfriend want to move in together fucking three days after my sister signs a two semester contract for student housing and pays out nearly 3grand after we spent a fortnight unsure if she'd have anywhere to live when she got off her flight. Nice. Two weeks later and Ellie's moving out and I'm left to find someone to move in. Easy right? No fucking way. I've gone through the same fucking loops for months. Post the ads, clean the house, answer the same questions. Not hear from said person again. Answer the same questions. organise a viewing. Clean the house. answer more questions. Person tells me they'll get back to me. Never does. Nice. AND REPEAT.
Two weeks ago the stress was GONE. I had someone! He was willing to sign a lease! He came and saw the room again to measure it for his stuff like three days ago! He was meant to give me bond and rent money today! He can't move in! His old lease is still going for another two months! fuck you! Now I'm left with a week to come up with an extra $800. I can do it. I mean, I took out a fucking bank loan for just this situation. But christ, I shouldn't have needed it. It should have been okay. I was doing okay at the beginning of this year. I was. And now I've got nothing. I've got no money, no flat mate, no energy, no joy. I'm a fucking mess and that's with all this detachment I've got going on. I'm not even feeling half of what I know is there and I just can't fucking stand it. I dont know what I'm doing. I hate my job but I can't get anything with my degree because my portfolio fucking sucks, because you need minimum 2 years experience for the entry level jobs in graphic design, which I have NO EXPERIENCE IN WHATSOEVER, there are no internships going to GET experience. I'm going in one disaster loop after another and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm so fucking lost and tired I can't handle anything right now. I'm sick of just going on and on, barely existing. I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for months and I seriously dont know if there's much left there. There's no leeway, just more scraping. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?