Once Upon A First
Reread Part Two.
*
Xander didn’t hear from Jay all weekend, not that he had expected to, but he was starting to feel more and more guilty as Saturday turned into Sunday which turned into Sunday afternoon and Kieran pushing his head down as they sat cramped in the backseat of Kieran’s shiny black sports car.
“Why aren’t we at your house?” Xander mumbled as Kieran groaned softly, shifting up so his jeans could come down farther and Xander’s hand slid over his cock slowly. Kieran was pressed up against the door, slumped halfway down, and out the window, the sky was a dark grey and the green of the park seemed to go on forever.
The parking lot was deserted around them, not surprising considering the day was cold and damp, and Kieran cursed under his breath as Xander leaned in, licking a stripe up his cock.
“Because my parents are coming home today,” he replied, slightly breathless, and Xander made a soft noise.
“So no more fucking?” Xander asked curiously, glancing up at the flush on Kieran’s neck.
Xander wasn’t going to deny that he wanted to do it again, now that he’d already done it twice. He was pretty sure Kieran wouldn’t say no either, if the way he looked down at Xander, eyes dark with intent, was any indication.
“Not unless you changed your mind,” Kieran breathed out slowly. “We’ll just have to find somewhere. How do you feel about this car?”
Xander actually caught himself thinking about it for a minute before shaking himself and rolling his eyes at Kieran’s smile. “Be quiet,” he told him instead, and it wasn’t hard to shut him up as he slid down and took Kieran in his mouth.
Xander had spent the past day and a half thinking about Kieran, or well, not necessarily about Kieran, but about what they’d done and what it might be leading to. It wasn’t as if they’d talked about anything really, and Xander was pretty sure Kieran wasn’t going to say anything to anyone, which was a slight comfort.
Kieran’s hand tightened over Xander’s shoulder as his hips jerked up into his mouth and he gasped. Xander knew what that meant and didn’t even need Kieran’s mumbled warning to pull off just before Kieran came, Xander’s hand pulling him through it, now sticky and wet as he shifted away.
“God,” Kieran breathed as he slid down an inch or two and Xander climbed awkwardly onto the seat next to him. The backseat wasn’t exactly spacious, but he’d grown to be quite familiar with the small space in the past few weeks, much to his slight chagrin.
Xander didn’t reply as he sat there, gazing out the rain-splattered window at the empty park, the trees blowing in the cold wind that swept down the mud-soaked path that led farther in.
“What are you going to tell Jay?” Kieran asked finally and Xander frowned at the wet leaves that tumbled across the pavement.
“What do you mean?”
Kieran glanced at him carefully. “He’s gonna know you had sex.”
“How would he know?” Xander asked skeptically. He somehow doubted that anyone could tell. He certainly couldn’t ever.
“He’s your best friend,” Kieran reminded him as if Xander would forget that fact. “It’s like sixth sense thing or something.”
Still skeptical, Xander looked away from the window and back to Kieran. “Okay, say he does know,” he said after a minute. “What am I supposed to tell him? That I’ve been hooking up with Kieran Donnelly, the guy who hasn’t talked to us for five years? That, on top of that, I’m gay and not interested in girls at all? I think the pure shock would just kill him.”
“The gay part or the me part?” Kieran asked slowly. “Does he really hate me?”
Xander shook his head with a huff. “No, he just thinks… I mean, it’s just weird that after five years you and I… you know. I mean, just talking and hanging out would have been weird enough, but blow jobs in the parking lot and sex on the weekends? It’s just surreal.”
“I didn’t stop talking to you,” Kieran said, eyebrows furrowed, but Xander shook his head.
“You don’t have to pretend you didn’t,” he said. “I’m not mad about it or anything. It’s not like we were good friends to begin with.”
“I went to your birthday party in seventh grade,” Kieran said after a minute.
“Yeah.” Xander shrugged. “So?” He was sort of surprised that Kieran remembered that since it had been shortly after that he’d become too cool to talk to him or Jay. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just saying that Jay wouldn’t understand why I did this.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know,” Xander muttered, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing at Kieran. Kieran was still slumped down on the seat, jeans pulled open, and Xander pulled his eyes away. “’Cause you were the first guy who actually kissed me, and you weren’t drunk, and you were easy, I guess. I mean, easy like, I didn’t have to think about things and I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
Kieran was silent for a moment, eyebrows furrowed, and Xander could hear the patter of rain as it hit the roof of the car, falling slowly, bigger drops coming off the overhanging trees.
“What are you afraid of?” he asked finally, pushing himself up and pulling up his jeans, closing them. On Xander’s questioning look, he sighed. “I mean, are you afraid people are going to hate you if come out? Or are you scared that you’ll come out and no one will care at all? How do you know Jay doesn’t already know? Are you so embarrassed by this that you just won’t tell anyone?”
Frowning, Xander stared at Kieran. He found it slightly insulting that Kieran thought he knew why he didn’t want to tell anyone. It was more than presumptuous.
“If I told people about me,” Xander pointed out sharply, “we couldn’t do this anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’d be too hard,” he said, starting to get angry. He didn’t know why, but something about the whole conversation was putting him on edge, and it wasn’t helping that Kieran just looked confused. “You’re the star swim team whatever and you can’t be gay and making out with the dorky music guy behind the gym. That’s just not how it works.”
Kieran was staring at him, eyebrows coming down, and Xander didn’t trust the look in his eyes. He needed to get out of there.
“You did this because I was safe,” Kieran said finally. “Because you thought I would never tell anyone and you could keep your secret, and we’d never have to do anything serious.”
“Who said anything about serious?” Xander asked loudly. “We’re not serious, remember? We’re just messing around for fun, something to do. Remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Kieran replied slowly. “I just want to know why it freaks you out so much, the possibility of actually coming out and having a relationship.”
“I can’t, okay?” Xander snapped. “I don’t want to. I don’t have enough time with my mom and school and everything, so just leave it alone. Leave me alone.”
Reaching for the door, he pushed it open, flecks of water streaming in as he shifted towards the door and Kieran sat behind him, looking taken aback.
“Xander,” he said as Xander climbed out the door and into the rain. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Xander said forcefully. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
And he slammed the door behind him and took off into the rain.
*
Xander spent most of Sunday night lying awake in bed, listening to the rain outside and wondering if Kieran would actually announce it to the whole school that they were sort of sleeping together. He didn’t think he would, but then again, he didn’t know that much about Kieran anymore. And Kieran didn’t know much about him either.
Sitting up in bed, Xander reached for the lamp on his bedside table, turning it on, and then rummaged underneath his bed, pulling out an old, slightly brow-beaten photo album. The first page was where he started and stopped, staring down at the three pictures slotted into the aging plastic.
A smiling man looked up at Xander from where his arms were thrown around an olive-skinned woman and a little kid with Xander’s messy dark hair and dark brown eyes. The man’s bald head shone in the sun of the day, and his eyes, the same color as Xander’s, sparkled as if it was the happiest moment of his life. He was an inch or two taller than Xander’s mom, and Xander sighed as he stared down at the photo.
There were plenty of others like it throughout the book, ranging from Xander at age one to Xander at age thirteen. After that, it was just pictures of Xander and his mom filling the rest of the pages.
Whenever his mom told people about his dad, it was always that he was a pilot and he was away on a flight. He had been a pilot, but if he was away on a flight, it was a permanent one. Xander tried not to think about the day the airline had called to tell them about a storm on the east coast and the resulting plane crash.
Sometimes Xander felt guilty when his mom talked about him going so far away to school, even if he hadn’t been accepted yet, but he wanted to go somewhere new and start over. She would manage fine without him even with the little white lies she told herself. Right now, though, she didn’t need any more stress, and he wasn’t going to dump his problems on her.
Sighing, Xander glanced at the clock, whose glaring red numbers told him it was nearly three in the morning. He really did need to go to sleep and stop thinking about all of this. It wasn’t helping anything except to make him more nervous than he already was.
Closing the album, then, he slipped it back under the bed and flipped off the lamp, lying down and staring at the dark ceiling. A feeling of dread was settling in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t shake it as he lay there in the dark and waited for morning.
*
The rain was still going strong the next morning as Xander got to school and jerked open his locker with very little disregard for the people around him. There was a dark, twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him nothing good was going to come from the day and he had no desire to prod it along.
He was lucky and made it through the little bit of time before classes started unharmed, but he knew he’d have to face Jay in English. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to it and he wondered if it was too late to fake being sick.
He knew it was, though, as he joined the throng of students surging down the halls towards their respective classes and he found himself outside his English class, sighing as he was bumped into by people passing by him to get inside.
When he finally did step inside, he found Jay immediately. He was sitting in his normal seat, apparently in conversation with Isa but Xander knew Jay saw him come in from the way he shifted slightly away from him even as Xander sighed and started down the row.
“Hi, Xander,” Isa greeted him cheerfully despite the way Jay frowned at her.
“Hey,” Xander muttered, dropping his bag by his chair and sitting down. He didn’t glance at Jay, rubbing a hand over his neck and the faded mark from the weekend. Jay had yet to notice anything, but Xander was sure it was because he was so wrapped up in Isa. He wasn’t exactly complaining.
“How was your weekend?” Isa asked, blue eyes wide and not heeding the look Jay was obviously sending to her to make her shut up.
“Fine,” Xander muttered to his desk instead of looking up, and he was extremely glad when the bell rang two seconds later and Isa couldn’t talk to him anymore.
He spent the rest of class focused on his notebook, trying to ignore the whispers of Isa behind him to Jay about saying something to him. He didn’t need her to help them with their problems. When the bell finally rang, Xander gathered his things and left before Isa could make anymore useless small talk. She didn’t need to play the peace-maker.
He wouldn’t say his next class was any easier as when he walked in, he nearly ran into Kieran in the doorway. Stumbling back a foot, he glared at the floor and stepped around him without a word. He knew Kieran was watching him but Xander didn’t afford him the pleasure of looking up at him.
Instead, he dropped into his seat and prayed that someone would come along and put him out of his misery before he had to face the rest of the day.
His best friend wasn’t talking to him and Kieran just being around was making everything worse. Setting his head down on his hands, Xander kept his eyes on the board as Kieran passed by him to his seat. He wondered if Kieran had told anyone, if he would tell Jay or talk to Jay. It was a scary thought as it passed through Xander’s mind. What if he did talk to Jay, ask what was wrong with him?
Xander felt as though he was going to be sick as he sat there and Mr. Lilliers entered the room with a stack of papers which he set on his desk and turned his back to the class. For a moment, he considered ditching the rest of his classes and just escaping home and hiding in his room for the rest of the day, but the bell rang and Mr. Lilliers closed the door before Xander could even finish the thought.
“I thought we’d start off with a pop quiz today,” Mr. Lilliers said to a general groan of displeasure from the rest of the class. Xander took the opportunity to sneak a glance at Kieran, only to find him watching him closely. Tearing his eyes away, Xander just sunk down in his desk and took the paper the girl in front of him passed back.
*
By the time lunch rolled around, Xander was pretty sure it was the worst day ever. He still hadn’t talked to either Kieran or Jay; he was avoiding Kieran and he was pretty sure Jay was avoiding him. He didn’t really know what to say to either.
Sitting at his lonely table near the window, Xander poked at his lunch uninterestedly. It was still damp outside, a heavy mist persisting through the morning, the sky dark grey with heavy clouds. Sighing, he pushed away his tray and set his head on his hand as he stared out.
He didn’t look up until a clatter of a bag dropping loudly onto the table made him jump and look over, shocked to see Jay standing at the table, looking more than slightly annoyed.
“Isa said I had to talk to you,” Jay said, clearly not pleased with her order. “So I’m here to talk to you but I don’t have anything to say.”
Xander stared up at him, frowning as his eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t know what he could really say that would make Jay less mad at him. Even if he told him the truth, odds were that he would still be upset.
“So you’re not going to explain anything either?” Jay demanded finally. “Like why you’ve been such a douche lately?”
“I have not,” Xander said before he could stop himself, cursing himself as he looked away, but he’d gotten Jay’s attention.
“Yeah, you have,” he replied sharply. “You’re never around and then you blame me for it.”
Annoyed, Xander turned back to him. “I didn’t blame you for anything,” he hissed, keeping his voice down since they were in the cafeteria after all. “And you’re never around either.”
“I have a girlfriend,” Jay replied obviously and Xander rolled his eyes. He was tired of this mantra.
“I know. God!”
“Well, maybe if you had one, you’d understand,” Jay shot back, and Xander stared for a second before biting his lip and looking away. He wished he could explain it to Jay, but he’d never be able to find the words.
Jay was staring at him as Xander didn’t reply, avoiding his eyes and rubbing at the mark on his neck absently, and it was a minute before he realized Jay was looking at the mark too. Pulling his hand away quickly, Xander fiddled with his napkin instead, but it was too late.
“What’s going on?” Jay asked, voice calmer now and lower since they’d been starting to attract gazes from around the room. “I mean, really. This isn’t about Isa, is it?”
“I told you no,” Xander muttered for what felt like the hundredth time. He didn’t meet Jay’s eyes as Jay climbed onto the bench and scooted closer, lowering his voice.
“Seriously, Xan, what the fuck is going on? You’re really starting to freak me out.”
“It’s nothing,” Xander mumbled, looking away from him and feeling the nervous flutter of his stomach.
“Bull,” Jay replied sharply and Xander winced at his tone. “Something is wrong with you.”
Jay was staring at Xander as if he hadn’t properly looked at him in a month, which he probably hadn’t, Xander thought vaguely.
“Xander,” Jay said seriously, and he looked worried now as Xander glanced at him. Frowning, Xander knew there was no way out now, although he’d prefer not to have this conversation in the middle of the cafeteria. The only good thing was that the din of other conversations was loud enough to cover theirs.
“Okay,” Xander said finally, feeling cornered and like there was really no way out. He was going to have to tell Jay. There was really no other option unless he lied. “But you have to swear that you won’t get mad or freaked out or anything if I tell you, and you can’t tell anyone else either, not even Isa.”
Jay looked shocked as Xander hissed the provisions at him, eyes wide and begging him to understand or at least not freak out completely.
“I-yeah, yeah, what?” he asked, concerned.
Sighing, Xander scrubbed a hand through his hair, eyes landing on a table across the room where Kieran was sitting with his friends. Xander got the feeling, as his eyes landed on Kieran, that Kieran had been watching him a second earlier.
“I think…” Xander said slowly while Jay leaned in closer, clearly scared of what he was going to say. “I think I’m… gay. Well, okay, I don’t think. I sort of know. I am, I am gay.”
Jay just stared at him for a second, blinking slowly as if he was absorbing it.
“Okay,” he said finally, nodding his head slightly. “Okay, yeah. You’re… gay.”
Xander watching him closely, looking for any signs of freaking out but there didn’t appear to be as Jay leaned back a little.
“Was-was that what I was supposed to freak out about?” Jay asked at length and Xander paused, biting his lower lip.
“Are you?”
“No,” Jay said slowly. “I mean, I kind of thought maybe… You’ve never had a girlfriend and you never talk about girls.”
Xander nodded, sitting back slightly and sighing. He felt almost as though a weight had been lifted when Jay didn’t jump up from the table and call him a freak.
“Wait,” Jay said, sounding confused. “That still doesn’t explain why you’ve been so weird lately.” He stared at Xander as though a terrifying thought had just popped into his brain. “You’re not in love with me, are you?” he whispered, panicked.
Xander almost laughed, but the weight had dropped back into his stomach and he couldn’t bring himself to.
“No,” he said, insulted, rolling his eyes. “Geez.”
“Then what is it?” Jay asked, sounding extremely relieved. “Is there someone?”
“Kind of,” Xander muttered unwillingly.
Jay paused. “Is this the part where I’m going to freak out?”
Frowning, Xander lowered his voice again. “You promised not to tell anyone, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Jay agreed impatiently. “Who is it?” He looked a little too eager and Xander hesitated, knowing exactly what Jay was going to think after he told him. It wasn’t like he and Kieran were actually anything anyway, especially after the day before and the way Xander had stormed out of the car.
He hated to admit it, but Kieran was right. He’d chosen Kieran because he’d been safe. There had been no danger of it becoming other than messing around. He wouldn’t have to deal with it in the real world, with any of the emotions that came with a relationship or the social pressure either.
He wasn’t sure why, but ever since his dad had died, Xander had developed a tendency to keep people at arm’s length, to keep relationships as uncomplicated as possible. It was honestly just easier.
“Xander?” Jay asked when Xander had been silent for over a minute, and Xander shook himself slightly, hesitating before he sighed.
“I’ve sort of been… hanging out with someone,” he muttered finally. “Like, you know.” He nodded his head slightly at Jay, who nodded back.
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he agreed.
“Right. Um.” He paused, shooting a nervous glance at Kieran’s table across the way. “It’s…”
Jay was staring at him intently, as though trying to see into his brain for the name as Xander hesitated again.
“It’s Kieran,” he said, the last word barely more than a whispered mumble, but Jay heard it nonetheless, his eyes going wide.
“Kieran?!” he said loudly, and Xander glared at him frantically.
“SHH!” he hissed, not daring to look up although he knew, he knew, that half the cafeteria was probably looking at them now, not least Kieran too.
“Sorry,” Jay whispered, hunching down as though that would protect them from being overhead. “Are you fucking serious?” he asked disbelievingly. “Kieran Donnelly? He’s the one you’ve been…” His eyes widened even further as he stared at Xander. “Oh my God, did you guys…?”
“You can’t say anything,” Xander hissed instead of replying to Jay’s question, which Jay seemed to take as acquiescence and sat back dumbly, mouth hanging open as if he simply couldn’t believe it. “It’s not anything anyway. Just messing around.”
Jay didn’t seem capable of speech as he blinked slowly, mouth still open.
Uneasy, Xander watched him carefully, hoping he wasn’t about to pass out or something. “Jay?”
Finally, Jay shook his head, as if coming out of a trance, finally closing his mouth.
“You and Kieran,” he said slowly. “I did not see that coming.”
“It’s not a me and Kieran,” Xander corrected him. “I mean, he just happened to be there… Well, I-You know, it was just something that happened. Nobody planned it.”
“So are you dating him?” Jay asked, making a face as the words came out of his mouth. “Oh, that sounded weird.”
“We’re not dating,” Xander muttered. “We’re not anything. We’re just… I don’t know.”
“Two people who make out on occasion?”
“Yeah,” Xander agreed, talking to the table. “Make out, other stuff.”
“Ew, okay,” Jay interrupted him quickly. “I don’t need details. Well, at least that explains things.”
Xander didn’t disagree as he sat back finally, taking a deep breath. He felt better now that Jay knew and wasn’t trying to burn him at the stake, but something was still nagging at him as he sat there, the lunch hour coming to a close and students starting to clean up and leave for classes.
“You know,” Jay said finally as they sat there. “You could have told me this a month ago. Might have saved us some trouble.”
He grabbed his bag off the table and stood up, climbing off the bench. Xander followed after a minute, swinging his own bag over his shoulder and gathering his trash. He caught sight of Kieran on the other side of the room leaving with his friends and he sighed.
“Somehow I don’t think so,” he mumbled as he rose and headed for the trash.
*
Despite the fact that he was fully expecting it, a knot of cold, hard dread settled into his stomach as he shoved books into his locker and listened to the students milling around, leaving school for their cars and beckoning houses.
There were too many books stuffed into his locker as Xander stood there trying to fit another in. As hard as he was concentrating on fitting the book in between his math book and the novel he was supposed to be reading for English, he couldn’t ignore Kieran sliding up to the locker next to him, a shoulder leaned casually against it as if that’s what lockers were made for.
Xander didn’t speak to him, and Kieran waited a minute, clearly waiting for Xander to do something or at least acknowledge him.
Xander didn’t do anything of the sort. He didn’t know what to say to Kieran at this point, or even what Kieran wanted him to say. He thought he’d made things pretty clear, hadn’t he? They weren’t ever going to be anything serious and he didn’t know why Kieran was making such a big deal out of his refusal.
“I heard someone say my name pretty loudly at lunch today,” Kieran said finally when it became clear that Xander was perfectly content ignoring him.
Truthfully, he wasn’t content since he could feel his stomach twisting nervously for a reason he couldn’t explain, but he didn’t want to have this conversation, not here.
“Great,” Xander muttered into his locker as he pushed at the books fruitlessly. There was very little room left.
“Does that mean you told Jay?” Kieran asked quietly, watching Xander pull out his math book to try to rearrange them, still not looking at him.
“It’s none of your business,” Xander muttered back.
“I think it kind of is,” Kieran replied slowly, arching an eyebrow. “I mean, if you and I-”
“What you and I?” Xander hissed sharply, eyes darting around them, but the hallway was emptying quickly and no one was listening in. “I told you it wasn’t serious.”
“If it isn’t, then why are you panicking?” Kieran pointed out obviously, and Xander scowled, turning back to his locker resolutely. He didn’t like the point Kieran was trying to make. “I’m guessing Jay didn’t freak out when you told him?” Xander didn’t meet his eyes and Kieran seemed to take it for a yes. “What’s going on here exactly?”
“Nothing,” Xander snapped, shoving his book in forcefully and the pages crumpled up on the sides, but he didn’t fix it as he slammed his locker shut and turned to Kieran, who just looked confused. “I told you I don’t have time and this should just be over. It was a mistake in the first place.”
Pushing past him, Xander headed for the front door, not pausing or glancing back because, as he told himself as the front doors banged open under his hands and he stepped out into the drizzling rain, he didn’t care.
Jay was waiting just outside the doors and Xander only shook his head sharply as Jay frowned, eyes flicking to Kieran down the hallway before the doors swung shut behind Xander and the grey water obscured everything else.
*
“No! Nonononono!” Xander shouted, thumb crashing down on the controller while Jay laughed raucously from beside him where they both sat on the floor in front of the couch, eyes fixed on the TV screen where Xander’s little green car went careening off the side of the track and Jay’s sped on ahead through the finish-line. “No!”
“Ha ha!” Jay crowed as Xander threw down his controller and it bounced on the carpet. “Still the champion! You may bow down to the King of Mario Karts if it so pleases you.”
“Fuck off,” Xander muttered, rolling his eyes and sitting back against the couch as the restart? button came on the screen.
Jay was still grinning and laughing as Xander watched him. Xander knew he was only trying to make up for the past month by coming over and playing video games, but Xander appreciated it all the same. It was nice to know that Jay wasn’t rejecting him because of what he’d told him. If anything, Jay had hardly mentioned it, almost like it hadn’t happened.
Sitting back against the couch, Jay dropped his controller too and reached for his forgotten soda sitting on the side table.
For a moment, no one said anything and the only sound in the room was the theme song playing from the TV.
“So,” Jay said after a prolonged minute in which Xander thought about the homework he was supposed to be doing and when his mom was getting home from work. “Am I, like, allowed to ask questions?”
“About what?” Xander asked, grabbing his controller and turning off the game, now thinking about getting something to eat.
“Kieran.”
Frowning, Xander didn’t look at Jay, staring down at his controller. It was a faded grey, the red and yellow buttons rubbed smooth over years of use.
“Didn’t know you wanted to,” he muttered finally, slightly worried at what Jay might ask him.
“I only have one,” Jay said quickly. “Well, actually, two.”
Xander didn’t see any way out of this, and he probably owed it to Jay to answer his questions as best he could.
“Fine,” he replied finally, pulling his knees up to his chin and waiting for the inevitable.
“Okay,” Jay said slowly. “I guess my first question is why Kieran? I’ve been trying to figure it out and it just doesn’t make sense. You guys weren’t friends - you barely talked to each other. How did it even happen?”
Xander shrugged unhelpfully in response. “I really don’t know, to be honest. We were just working on our physics project and then we were making out on my bed. And it seemed like good idea at the time, you know, ‘cause I didn’t talk to Kieran in school and we didn’t hang out ever. It was sort of like a business arrangement, you know?”
Jay looked thoughtful, eyebrows furrowed, and he set down his soda with a soft clunk against the wood. “So did you… I mean, you thought he was… Fuck, I mean. God, why is this so hard?”
“I thought he was hot?” Xander finished dully and Jay nodded thankfully.
“Yes!”
Xander shrugged a little. “Well, he kind of is, wouldn’t you say?”
Jay looked reluctant to answer and Xander sighed.
“Isa would say he is, I’m sure,” Xander finished as Jay continued to look uncomfortable by the question.
“Yeah, well, I have another question,” Jay said instead of replying.
“You know this is more than two, right?”
Jay ignored him. “Did you guys break up or something?”
“Break up?” Xander repeated skeptically. “There was nothing to break up. We weren’t dating or anything.”
“Well, you were fighting yesterday and he looked pretty-”
“He didn’t look anything,” Xander interrupted sharply. “I just told him it was over.”
“So you did break up?”
“No!” Xander huffed, frustrated. “You can’t break up if you’re not doing anything.”
“Why did you tell him it was over then?”
“Okay, this is way more than two questions,” Xander pointed out moodily, which only seemed to confirm something in Jay as he shook his head.
“You’re getting touchy,” he said as Xander scowled. “Which means you do care. So why did you tell him that?”
“Can you imagine me just announcing to the whole school that I’m sleeping with Kieran Donnelly? Their star of the swim team? Do you think it would go over well?”
“Who said you had to do that?” Jay asked obviously. “You kept it a secret this long. It’s not like he’s going to shout it from the rooftop.”
“Coming out is like shouting it from a rooftop,” Xander pointed out with a pang of annoyance when Jay just arched a skeptical eyebrow. “Especially if Kieran keeps talking to me.”
Jay was silent for a moment as they sat there, the TV screen blank and the room growing darker by the minute from the sky outside.
“Besides,” Xander continued simply, “I shouldn’t be wasting my time on something stupid when I have enough to do with school and my mom.”
“Have you convinced her to let you go east yet?”
“I don’t know if she’s convinced,” Xander muttered. “Actually, I was sort of thinking maybe I wouldn’t.”
“Why?” Jay demanded, surprised, which didn’t surprise Xander considering how long he’d been talking about leaving. “I thought you decided to go. She’s gonna be fine without you.”
“We don’t know that,” Xander replied sharply, glancing at the front door as if his mom was going to walk in at any moment. “She talked about him again the other day, like he was just away on a flight.”
Jay was the only person who knew about his mom and her little white lies she told. Jay was also one of the few people who even knew his dad was dead. When it had happened, Xander hadn’t wanted to tell people. He hadn’t wanted the looks of sympathy or a giant sympathy card from his class, so he’d begged his mom to just tell the school he was out sick for that whole week.
Of course, four years had passed and he wasn’t the scared little kid he was anymore, but it still wasn’t common knowledge what had happened.
“Have you talked to her about it?” Jay asked carefully and Xander sighed.
“Of course I have. She just brushes me off and says it’s easier that way. Sometimes I think she’s trying to protect me or something. But I don’t need it anymore. She doesn’t do it when we’re alone, you know, it’s just…” Xander sighed. “It’s just too much sometimes, and I can’t add someone else on top of it.”
“So it’s a self-sacrifice?” Jay asked finally, a hint of curiosity in his voice as Xander rolled his eyes. “A pre-emptive strike? Saving yourself the trouble of actually liking someone?”
Unamused, Xander frowned at Jay. “Where did you learn all those words?”
“I’m smart,” Jay replied, but Xander shook his head.
“It was Isa, wasn’t it?”
“Now, that’s not fair at all,” Jay said, but Xander was rolling his eyes and climbing up from his spot on the floor.
“I’m getting food,” Xander just said in reply. “Do you want anything?”
“I knew those words before Isa,” Jay protested, and Xander headed for the kitchen alone.
*
Considering it was such a small school, Xander did a pretty good job of avoiding Kieran over the next few days. As far as he was concerned, whatever they had was over and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Except… Except he still found himself thinking about Kieran and the way it hadn’t even been a week since Kieran had suggested having sex. It seemed an eternity ago now, that sunny afternoon cloistered in his bedroom. Of course, the weather hadn’t been nice since that day and Xander doubted it would improve as the on-set of winter became ominous.
Jay hadn’t said anything else about Kieran since their afternoon playing video games which Xander was glad for. He didn’t know how many more times he could explain himself, either to Jay, Kieran, or himself. He just wanted it all to go away.
He made it all the way until Thursday without having to confront anything, but he knew it was too good to last as he headed for his car after school, dumping his bag in the passenger’s side and nearly jumping out of his skin as he shut the door and a voice sounded behind him.
“You didn’t think you’d get out of it that easy, did you?”
Whipping around, Xander stared at Kieran behind him, heart thudding nervously in his chest. One of Kieran’s hands was stuffed in his front pocket, the other on the strap of his bag over his shoulder. He was wearing his sleek, black, swim team jacket, the front zipped halfway down despite the chill on the air.
“Kieran,” Xander said quickly, unable to help the way his eyes darted around the parking lot for anyone listening in. “What are you doing?”
Taking a step closer, Kieran frowned slightly. Xander watched as his hair fell into his eyes, and he looked away. He didn’t need to be remembering just how Kieran’s hair felt, soft and smooth against his fingers, or the way Kieran always seemed to like having it tugged on during… Xander shook himself sharply. He needed to stop thinking about it.
“I want to know what the fuck is going on,” Kieran said seriously as Xander stared at him, panic welling up inside him at his tone, at the look in his eyes.
“I thought we agreed nothing,” Xander replied firmly, or tried to, swallowing nervously as Kieran came closer again with a tired sigh.
“No, you agreed nothing. I got no say which is not fair.” Kieran was watching Xander and it was making him uncomfortable as they stood there. He just wanted to escape. Kieran hesitated for a moment before saying the next thing. “I know about your dad.”
Taken aback, Xander could only stare. “How-?” He stopped, shaking his head. “What… that, that has nothing to do with anything.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kieran asked seriously, and Xander looked away.
“Because I was thirteen and I didn’t want to tell anyone,” he replied sharply, but Kieran was shaking his head.
“I meant now. I mean, why is it a secret?”
“It’s not a secret,” Xander muttered. “It’s just not common knowledge.”
“Well, is that why you’re being stupid and unreasonable?” Kieran asked instead, ignoring the way Xander glared at him.
“I am not being unreasonable,” he argued back. “I can’t deal with… this.” He gestured at Kieran and everything else. “I have other things to do.”
“No, you don’t,” Kieran replied much to Xander’s annoyance. “You’ve spent the entire past month with me and it’s only now, when things are starting to get hard, that you’re backing out. Are you mad because I didn’t know about your dad? Or because if I had talked to you the past few years, I would have known?”
“No,” Xander said sharply, a ripple of anger covering the annoyance now. “I told you already, a million times, that I don’t care that you stopped talking to me! That’s not what this is about. No one else knows about my dad. I don’t get mad at them!”
“Then why are you mad at me?” Kieran demanded and Xander glared.
“Because you’re making this all too hard! Can’t you just accept that I don’t want anything else from you? That we’re done and whatever we were, it won’t be anything more?”
“I don’t believe you,” Kieran said stubbornly as a gust of wind blew past, messing up his hair and blowing it into his face.
“You don’t believe me?” Xander repeated incredulously. “Well, it doesn’t matter because you don’t get to decide this.”
“Well, you’re deciding wrong,” Kieran said sternly. “You’re just doing this because you’re scared of what people would say, of what your mom would say, of what it would do to your mom.”
“What do you know about my mom?” Xander snapped, and his stomach plummeted from the look Kieran gave him.
“I know what she said at dinner last week, and knowing what I know about your dad…”
“She’s not crazy,” Xander interrupted angrily. “She just does it to protect herself, to protect me.”
“Well, you can’t protect her forever,” Kieran pointed out. “And denying yourself things you want will only hurt more later.”
“What do you know about it?” Xander snapped, annoyed at the whole direction this conversation was taking. He was starting to feel bad as he stood there next to his banged-up old-model car. If he was really honest with himself, he didn’t want to end whatever it was with Kieran, if only because it was the only thing resembling a relationship other than his mom and Jay in his life. Not to mention, no one else wanted to have sex with him.
“All I know is that I like you,” Kieran said simply. “And I’m not gonna let you be an idiot and ruin this because you push everyone away. For the Salutatorian, you’re pretty dumb.”
“I’m not the Salutatorian ye-” Xander started to say, but Kieran’s free hand reached out, sliding around the back of his neck and jerking him forward.
Xander’s eyes were wide open as Kieran kissed him, his body stiff with surprise as he stumbled forward a step or two. He thought for a second about pushing Kieran away, but he couldn’t bring himself to, and he could feel himself melting a little, eyes closing and mouth relaxing enough to kiss Kieran back despite his reservations.
Kieran’s fingers stroked the back of his neck softly for a second before he pulled away.
Xander didn’t know what to say, but he was saved, or maybe not so, by an awkward cough to his right.
Kieran’s hand didn’t drop from Xander’s neck as they both looked over to find three of Kieran’s swim team friends staring awkwardly. Eyes widening, Xander wished the earth would just open and swallow him up at that very moment. Instead, a flush of embarrassment and terror spread into his cheeks and he bit his lip, looking away.
“Uh,” one of the guys said slowly while the other two looked just as confused and uncomfortable. “We were just gonna see if you wanted to hang out at the diner.”
Kieran paused and then quirked a small, nervous smile. “Yeah, uh, I don’t think so.”
“O-okay,” the guy replied, sounding glad to be able to leave. “See you later, Kier.”
“Yeah,” Kieran muttered as all three hurried away. “Shit, that was… awkward.”
“Awkward?” Xander repeated hollowly, eyes racing back to Kieran’s, and he was extremely aware of Kieran’s hand still around the back of his neck. “They’re gonna tell everyone.”
“Probably,” Kieran agreed, not sounding half as horrified as he should have been. “So we might as well give them something to talk about.”
“Kieran,” Xander said warningly, but Kieran shook his head to stop anymore excuses.
“You can try all you want, but I’m not letting your insecurities get in the way. Besides, I know you want me.”
“Don’t sound so sure of yourself,” Xander replied, unimpressed, and he swallowed nervously as Kieran’s other hand reached for his waist, pulling him in closer.
“But it’s true,” Kieran replied. “And I know you want me to fuck you again.” He paused, smiling slightly despite Xander’s frown. “You can’t scare me away.”
“Can’t I at least try?” Xander asked hopelessly, but he’d long known that Kieran was a stubborn person, possibly more stubborn than he was.
“You already did,” Kieran said simply, leaning in and kissing him.
They were in plain view of anyone in the parking lot, of anyone still in school, of anyone driving or walking by, but Xander let it happen, hands curling into Kieran’s jacket, and kissing him back. It was warm and familiar, and Xander hated to admit it, but he wanted it, maybe even needed it.
As Kieran backed him up against the side of the cold car, Xander broke away panting, nose pressed against Kieran’s.
“So when do I get to top?” he asked and Kieran’s mouth curled into a grin.
“Soon,” he replied simply, and Xander didn’t argue as Kieran kissed him again and it started to rain.
*
FIN.
A/N: Thanks again to everyone who's supported my writings! :D If you haven't already, please check out The Preposition Series!
*
Xander didn’t hear from Jay all weekend, not that he had expected to, but he was starting to feel more and more guilty as Saturday turned into Sunday which turned into Sunday afternoon and Kieran pushing his head down as they sat cramped in the backseat of Kieran’s shiny black sports car.
“Why aren’t we at your house?” Xander mumbled as Kieran groaned softly, shifting up so his jeans could come down farther and Xander’s hand slid over his cock slowly. Kieran was pressed up against the door, slumped halfway down, and out the window, the sky was a dark grey and the green of the park seemed to go on forever.
The parking lot was deserted around them, not surprising considering the day was cold and damp, and Kieran cursed under his breath as Xander leaned in, licking a stripe up his cock.
“Because my parents are coming home today,” he replied, slightly breathless, and Xander made a soft noise.
“So no more fucking?” Xander asked curiously, glancing up at the flush on Kieran’s neck.
Xander wasn’t going to deny that he wanted to do it again, now that he’d already done it twice. He was pretty sure Kieran wouldn’t say no either, if the way he looked down at Xander, eyes dark with intent, was any indication.
“Not unless you changed your mind,” Kieran breathed out slowly. “We’ll just have to find somewhere. How do you feel about this car?”
Xander actually caught himself thinking about it for a minute before shaking himself and rolling his eyes at Kieran’s smile. “Be quiet,” he told him instead, and it wasn’t hard to shut him up as he slid down and took Kieran in his mouth.
Xander had spent the past day and a half thinking about Kieran, or well, not necessarily about Kieran, but about what they’d done and what it might be leading to. It wasn’t as if they’d talked about anything really, and Xander was pretty sure Kieran wasn’t going to say anything to anyone, which was a slight comfort.
Kieran’s hand tightened over Xander’s shoulder as his hips jerked up into his mouth and he gasped. Xander knew what that meant and didn’t even need Kieran’s mumbled warning to pull off just before Kieran came, Xander’s hand pulling him through it, now sticky and wet as he shifted away.
“God,” Kieran breathed as he slid down an inch or two and Xander climbed awkwardly onto the seat next to him. The backseat wasn’t exactly spacious, but he’d grown to be quite familiar with the small space in the past few weeks, much to his slight chagrin.
Xander didn’t reply as he sat there, gazing out the rain-splattered window at the empty park, the trees blowing in the cold wind that swept down the mud-soaked path that led farther in.
“What are you going to tell Jay?” Kieran asked finally and Xander frowned at the wet leaves that tumbled across the pavement.
“What do you mean?”
Kieran glanced at him carefully. “He’s gonna know you had sex.”
“How would he know?” Xander asked skeptically. He somehow doubted that anyone could tell. He certainly couldn’t ever.
“He’s your best friend,” Kieran reminded him as if Xander would forget that fact. “It’s like sixth sense thing or something.”
Still skeptical, Xander looked away from the window and back to Kieran. “Okay, say he does know,” he said after a minute. “What am I supposed to tell him? That I’ve been hooking up with Kieran Donnelly, the guy who hasn’t talked to us for five years? That, on top of that, I’m gay and not interested in girls at all? I think the pure shock would just kill him.”
“The gay part or the me part?” Kieran asked slowly. “Does he really hate me?”
Xander shook his head with a huff. “No, he just thinks… I mean, it’s just weird that after five years you and I… you know. I mean, just talking and hanging out would have been weird enough, but blow jobs in the parking lot and sex on the weekends? It’s just surreal.”
“I didn’t stop talking to you,” Kieran said, eyebrows furrowed, but Xander shook his head.
“You don’t have to pretend you didn’t,” he said. “I’m not mad about it or anything. It’s not like we were good friends to begin with.”
“I went to your birthday party in seventh grade,” Kieran said after a minute.
“Yeah.” Xander shrugged. “So?” He was sort of surprised that Kieran remembered that since it had been shortly after that he’d become too cool to talk to him or Jay. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just saying that Jay wouldn’t understand why I did this.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know,” Xander muttered, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing at Kieran. Kieran was still slumped down on the seat, jeans pulled open, and Xander pulled his eyes away. “’Cause you were the first guy who actually kissed me, and you weren’t drunk, and you were easy, I guess. I mean, easy like, I didn’t have to think about things and I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
Kieran was silent for a moment, eyebrows furrowed, and Xander could hear the patter of rain as it hit the roof of the car, falling slowly, bigger drops coming off the overhanging trees.
“What are you afraid of?” he asked finally, pushing himself up and pulling up his jeans, closing them. On Xander’s questioning look, he sighed. “I mean, are you afraid people are going to hate you if come out? Or are you scared that you’ll come out and no one will care at all? How do you know Jay doesn’t already know? Are you so embarrassed by this that you just won’t tell anyone?”
Frowning, Xander stared at Kieran. He found it slightly insulting that Kieran thought he knew why he didn’t want to tell anyone. It was more than presumptuous.
“If I told people about me,” Xander pointed out sharply, “we couldn’t do this anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’d be too hard,” he said, starting to get angry. He didn’t know why, but something about the whole conversation was putting him on edge, and it wasn’t helping that Kieran just looked confused. “You’re the star swim team whatever and you can’t be gay and making out with the dorky music guy behind the gym. That’s just not how it works.”
Kieran was staring at him, eyebrows coming down, and Xander didn’t trust the look in his eyes. He needed to get out of there.
“You did this because I was safe,” Kieran said finally. “Because you thought I would never tell anyone and you could keep your secret, and we’d never have to do anything serious.”
“Who said anything about serious?” Xander asked loudly. “We’re not serious, remember? We’re just messing around for fun, something to do. Remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Kieran replied slowly. “I just want to know why it freaks you out so much, the possibility of actually coming out and having a relationship.”
“I can’t, okay?” Xander snapped. “I don’t want to. I don’t have enough time with my mom and school and everything, so just leave it alone. Leave me alone.”
Reaching for the door, he pushed it open, flecks of water streaming in as he shifted towards the door and Kieran sat behind him, looking taken aback.
“Xander,” he said as Xander climbed out the door and into the rain. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Xander said forcefully. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
And he slammed the door behind him and took off into the rain.
*
Xander spent most of Sunday night lying awake in bed, listening to the rain outside and wondering if Kieran would actually announce it to the whole school that they were sort of sleeping together. He didn’t think he would, but then again, he didn’t know that much about Kieran anymore. And Kieran didn’t know much about him either.
Sitting up in bed, Xander reached for the lamp on his bedside table, turning it on, and then rummaged underneath his bed, pulling out an old, slightly brow-beaten photo album. The first page was where he started and stopped, staring down at the three pictures slotted into the aging plastic.
A smiling man looked up at Xander from where his arms were thrown around an olive-skinned woman and a little kid with Xander’s messy dark hair and dark brown eyes. The man’s bald head shone in the sun of the day, and his eyes, the same color as Xander’s, sparkled as if it was the happiest moment of his life. He was an inch or two taller than Xander’s mom, and Xander sighed as he stared down at the photo.
There were plenty of others like it throughout the book, ranging from Xander at age one to Xander at age thirteen. After that, it was just pictures of Xander and his mom filling the rest of the pages.
Whenever his mom told people about his dad, it was always that he was a pilot and he was away on a flight. He had been a pilot, but if he was away on a flight, it was a permanent one. Xander tried not to think about the day the airline had called to tell them about a storm on the east coast and the resulting plane crash.
Sometimes Xander felt guilty when his mom talked about him going so far away to school, even if he hadn’t been accepted yet, but he wanted to go somewhere new and start over. She would manage fine without him even with the little white lies she told herself. Right now, though, she didn’t need any more stress, and he wasn’t going to dump his problems on her.
Sighing, Xander glanced at the clock, whose glaring red numbers told him it was nearly three in the morning. He really did need to go to sleep and stop thinking about all of this. It wasn’t helping anything except to make him more nervous than he already was.
Closing the album, then, he slipped it back under the bed and flipped off the lamp, lying down and staring at the dark ceiling. A feeling of dread was settling in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t shake it as he lay there in the dark and waited for morning.
*
The rain was still going strong the next morning as Xander got to school and jerked open his locker with very little disregard for the people around him. There was a dark, twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him nothing good was going to come from the day and he had no desire to prod it along.
He was lucky and made it through the little bit of time before classes started unharmed, but he knew he’d have to face Jay in English. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to it and he wondered if it was too late to fake being sick.
He knew it was, though, as he joined the throng of students surging down the halls towards their respective classes and he found himself outside his English class, sighing as he was bumped into by people passing by him to get inside.
When he finally did step inside, he found Jay immediately. He was sitting in his normal seat, apparently in conversation with Isa but Xander knew Jay saw him come in from the way he shifted slightly away from him even as Xander sighed and started down the row.
“Hi, Xander,” Isa greeted him cheerfully despite the way Jay frowned at her.
“Hey,” Xander muttered, dropping his bag by his chair and sitting down. He didn’t glance at Jay, rubbing a hand over his neck and the faded mark from the weekend. Jay had yet to notice anything, but Xander was sure it was because he was so wrapped up in Isa. He wasn’t exactly complaining.
“How was your weekend?” Isa asked, blue eyes wide and not heeding the look Jay was obviously sending to her to make her shut up.
“Fine,” Xander muttered to his desk instead of looking up, and he was extremely glad when the bell rang two seconds later and Isa couldn’t talk to him anymore.
He spent the rest of class focused on his notebook, trying to ignore the whispers of Isa behind him to Jay about saying something to him. He didn’t need her to help them with their problems. When the bell finally rang, Xander gathered his things and left before Isa could make anymore useless small talk. She didn’t need to play the peace-maker.
He wouldn’t say his next class was any easier as when he walked in, he nearly ran into Kieran in the doorway. Stumbling back a foot, he glared at the floor and stepped around him without a word. He knew Kieran was watching him but Xander didn’t afford him the pleasure of looking up at him.
Instead, he dropped into his seat and prayed that someone would come along and put him out of his misery before he had to face the rest of the day.
His best friend wasn’t talking to him and Kieran just being around was making everything worse. Setting his head down on his hands, Xander kept his eyes on the board as Kieran passed by him to his seat. He wondered if Kieran had told anyone, if he would tell Jay or talk to Jay. It was a scary thought as it passed through Xander’s mind. What if he did talk to Jay, ask what was wrong with him?
Xander felt as though he was going to be sick as he sat there and Mr. Lilliers entered the room with a stack of papers which he set on his desk and turned his back to the class. For a moment, he considered ditching the rest of his classes and just escaping home and hiding in his room for the rest of the day, but the bell rang and Mr. Lilliers closed the door before Xander could even finish the thought.
“I thought we’d start off with a pop quiz today,” Mr. Lilliers said to a general groan of displeasure from the rest of the class. Xander took the opportunity to sneak a glance at Kieran, only to find him watching him closely. Tearing his eyes away, Xander just sunk down in his desk and took the paper the girl in front of him passed back.
*
By the time lunch rolled around, Xander was pretty sure it was the worst day ever. He still hadn’t talked to either Kieran or Jay; he was avoiding Kieran and he was pretty sure Jay was avoiding him. He didn’t really know what to say to either.
Sitting at his lonely table near the window, Xander poked at his lunch uninterestedly. It was still damp outside, a heavy mist persisting through the morning, the sky dark grey with heavy clouds. Sighing, he pushed away his tray and set his head on his hand as he stared out.
He didn’t look up until a clatter of a bag dropping loudly onto the table made him jump and look over, shocked to see Jay standing at the table, looking more than slightly annoyed.
“Isa said I had to talk to you,” Jay said, clearly not pleased with her order. “So I’m here to talk to you but I don’t have anything to say.”
Xander stared up at him, frowning as his eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t know what he could really say that would make Jay less mad at him. Even if he told him the truth, odds were that he would still be upset.
“So you’re not going to explain anything either?” Jay demanded finally. “Like why you’ve been such a douche lately?”
“I have not,” Xander said before he could stop himself, cursing himself as he looked away, but he’d gotten Jay’s attention.
“Yeah, you have,” he replied sharply. “You’re never around and then you blame me for it.”
Annoyed, Xander turned back to him. “I didn’t blame you for anything,” he hissed, keeping his voice down since they were in the cafeteria after all. “And you’re never around either.”
“I have a girlfriend,” Jay replied obviously and Xander rolled his eyes. He was tired of this mantra.
“I know. God!”
“Well, maybe if you had one, you’d understand,” Jay shot back, and Xander stared for a second before biting his lip and looking away. He wished he could explain it to Jay, but he’d never be able to find the words.
Jay was staring at him as Xander didn’t reply, avoiding his eyes and rubbing at the mark on his neck absently, and it was a minute before he realized Jay was looking at the mark too. Pulling his hand away quickly, Xander fiddled with his napkin instead, but it was too late.
“What’s going on?” Jay asked, voice calmer now and lower since they’d been starting to attract gazes from around the room. “I mean, really. This isn’t about Isa, is it?”
“I told you no,” Xander muttered for what felt like the hundredth time. He didn’t meet Jay’s eyes as Jay climbed onto the bench and scooted closer, lowering his voice.
“Seriously, Xan, what the fuck is going on? You’re really starting to freak me out.”
“It’s nothing,” Xander mumbled, looking away from him and feeling the nervous flutter of his stomach.
“Bull,” Jay replied sharply and Xander winced at his tone. “Something is wrong with you.”
Jay was staring at Xander as if he hadn’t properly looked at him in a month, which he probably hadn’t, Xander thought vaguely.
“Xander,” Jay said seriously, and he looked worried now as Xander glanced at him. Frowning, Xander knew there was no way out now, although he’d prefer not to have this conversation in the middle of the cafeteria. The only good thing was that the din of other conversations was loud enough to cover theirs.
“Okay,” Xander said finally, feeling cornered and like there was really no way out. He was going to have to tell Jay. There was really no other option unless he lied. “But you have to swear that you won’t get mad or freaked out or anything if I tell you, and you can’t tell anyone else either, not even Isa.”
Jay looked shocked as Xander hissed the provisions at him, eyes wide and begging him to understand or at least not freak out completely.
“I-yeah, yeah, what?” he asked, concerned.
Sighing, Xander scrubbed a hand through his hair, eyes landing on a table across the room where Kieran was sitting with his friends. Xander got the feeling, as his eyes landed on Kieran, that Kieran had been watching him a second earlier.
“I think…” Xander said slowly while Jay leaned in closer, clearly scared of what he was going to say. “I think I’m… gay. Well, okay, I don’t think. I sort of know. I am, I am gay.”
Jay just stared at him for a second, blinking slowly as if he was absorbing it.
“Okay,” he said finally, nodding his head slightly. “Okay, yeah. You’re… gay.”
Xander watching him closely, looking for any signs of freaking out but there didn’t appear to be as Jay leaned back a little.
“Was-was that what I was supposed to freak out about?” Jay asked at length and Xander paused, biting his lower lip.
“Are you?”
“No,” Jay said slowly. “I mean, I kind of thought maybe… You’ve never had a girlfriend and you never talk about girls.”
Xander nodded, sitting back slightly and sighing. He felt almost as though a weight had been lifted when Jay didn’t jump up from the table and call him a freak.
“Wait,” Jay said, sounding confused. “That still doesn’t explain why you’ve been so weird lately.” He stared at Xander as though a terrifying thought had just popped into his brain. “You’re not in love with me, are you?” he whispered, panicked.
Xander almost laughed, but the weight had dropped back into his stomach and he couldn’t bring himself to.
“No,” he said, insulted, rolling his eyes. “Geez.”
“Then what is it?” Jay asked, sounding extremely relieved. “Is there someone?”
“Kind of,” Xander muttered unwillingly.
Jay paused. “Is this the part where I’m going to freak out?”
Frowning, Xander lowered his voice again. “You promised not to tell anyone, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Jay agreed impatiently. “Who is it?” He looked a little too eager and Xander hesitated, knowing exactly what Jay was going to think after he told him. It wasn’t like he and Kieran were actually anything anyway, especially after the day before and the way Xander had stormed out of the car.
He hated to admit it, but Kieran was right. He’d chosen Kieran because he’d been safe. There had been no danger of it becoming other than messing around. He wouldn’t have to deal with it in the real world, with any of the emotions that came with a relationship or the social pressure either.
He wasn’t sure why, but ever since his dad had died, Xander had developed a tendency to keep people at arm’s length, to keep relationships as uncomplicated as possible. It was honestly just easier.
“Xander?” Jay asked when Xander had been silent for over a minute, and Xander shook himself slightly, hesitating before he sighed.
“I’ve sort of been… hanging out with someone,” he muttered finally. “Like, you know.” He nodded his head slightly at Jay, who nodded back.
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he agreed.
“Right. Um.” He paused, shooting a nervous glance at Kieran’s table across the way. “It’s…”
Jay was staring at him intently, as though trying to see into his brain for the name as Xander hesitated again.
“It’s Kieran,” he said, the last word barely more than a whispered mumble, but Jay heard it nonetheless, his eyes going wide.
“Kieran?!” he said loudly, and Xander glared at him frantically.
“SHH!” he hissed, not daring to look up although he knew, he knew, that half the cafeteria was probably looking at them now, not least Kieran too.
“Sorry,” Jay whispered, hunching down as though that would protect them from being overhead. “Are you fucking serious?” he asked disbelievingly. “Kieran Donnelly? He’s the one you’ve been…” His eyes widened even further as he stared at Xander. “Oh my God, did you guys…?”
“You can’t say anything,” Xander hissed instead of replying to Jay’s question, which Jay seemed to take as acquiescence and sat back dumbly, mouth hanging open as if he simply couldn’t believe it. “It’s not anything anyway. Just messing around.”
Jay didn’t seem capable of speech as he blinked slowly, mouth still open.
Uneasy, Xander watched him carefully, hoping he wasn’t about to pass out or something. “Jay?”
Finally, Jay shook his head, as if coming out of a trance, finally closing his mouth.
“You and Kieran,” he said slowly. “I did not see that coming.”
“It’s not a me and Kieran,” Xander corrected him. “I mean, he just happened to be there… Well, I-You know, it was just something that happened. Nobody planned it.”
“So are you dating him?” Jay asked, making a face as the words came out of his mouth. “Oh, that sounded weird.”
“We’re not dating,” Xander muttered. “We’re not anything. We’re just… I don’t know.”
“Two people who make out on occasion?”
“Yeah,” Xander agreed, talking to the table. “Make out, other stuff.”
“Ew, okay,” Jay interrupted him quickly. “I don’t need details. Well, at least that explains things.”
Xander didn’t disagree as he sat back finally, taking a deep breath. He felt better now that Jay knew and wasn’t trying to burn him at the stake, but something was still nagging at him as he sat there, the lunch hour coming to a close and students starting to clean up and leave for classes.
“You know,” Jay said finally as they sat there. “You could have told me this a month ago. Might have saved us some trouble.”
He grabbed his bag off the table and stood up, climbing off the bench. Xander followed after a minute, swinging his own bag over his shoulder and gathering his trash. He caught sight of Kieran on the other side of the room leaving with his friends and he sighed.
“Somehow I don’t think so,” he mumbled as he rose and headed for the trash.
*
Despite the fact that he was fully expecting it, a knot of cold, hard dread settled into his stomach as he shoved books into his locker and listened to the students milling around, leaving school for their cars and beckoning houses.
There were too many books stuffed into his locker as Xander stood there trying to fit another in. As hard as he was concentrating on fitting the book in between his math book and the novel he was supposed to be reading for English, he couldn’t ignore Kieran sliding up to the locker next to him, a shoulder leaned casually against it as if that’s what lockers were made for.
Xander didn’t speak to him, and Kieran waited a minute, clearly waiting for Xander to do something or at least acknowledge him.
Xander didn’t do anything of the sort. He didn’t know what to say to Kieran at this point, or even what Kieran wanted him to say. He thought he’d made things pretty clear, hadn’t he? They weren’t ever going to be anything serious and he didn’t know why Kieran was making such a big deal out of his refusal.
“I heard someone say my name pretty loudly at lunch today,” Kieran said finally when it became clear that Xander was perfectly content ignoring him.
Truthfully, he wasn’t content since he could feel his stomach twisting nervously for a reason he couldn’t explain, but he didn’t want to have this conversation, not here.
“Great,” Xander muttered into his locker as he pushed at the books fruitlessly. There was very little room left.
“Does that mean you told Jay?” Kieran asked quietly, watching Xander pull out his math book to try to rearrange them, still not looking at him.
“It’s none of your business,” Xander muttered back.
“I think it kind of is,” Kieran replied slowly, arching an eyebrow. “I mean, if you and I-”
“What you and I?” Xander hissed sharply, eyes darting around them, but the hallway was emptying quickly and no one was listening in. “I told you it wasn’t serious.”
“If it isn’t, then why are you panicking?” Kieran pointed out obviously, and Xander scowled, turning back to his locker resolutely. He didn’t like the point Kieran was trying to make. “I’m guessing Jay didn’t freak out when you told him?” Xander didn’t meet his eyes and Kieran seemed to take it for a yes. “What’s going on here exactly?”
“Nothing,” Xander snapped, shoving his book in forcefully and the pages crumpled up on the sides, but he didn’t fix it as he slammed his locker shut and turned to Kieran, who just looked confused. “I told you I don’t have time and this should just be over. It was a mistake in the first place.”
Pushing past him, Xander headed for the front door, not pausing or glancing back because, as he told himself as the front doors banged open under his hands and he stepped out into the drizzling rain, he didn’t care.
Jay was waiting just outside the doors and Xander only shook his head sharply as Jay frowned, eyes flicking to Kieran down the hallway before the doors swung shut behind Xander and the grey water obscured everything else.
*
“No! Nonononono!” Xander shouted, thumb crashing down on the controller while Jay laughed raucously from beside him where they both sat on the floor in front of the couch, eyes fixed on the TV screen where Xander’s little green car went careening off the side of the track and Jay’s sped on ahead through the finish-line. “No!”
“Ha ha!” Jay crowed as Xander threw down his controller and it bounced on the carpet. “Still the champion! You may bow down to the King of Mario Karts if it so pleases you.”
“Fuck off,” Xander muttered, rolling his eyes and sitting back against the couch as the restart? button came on the screen.
Jay was still grinning and laughing as Xander watched him. Xander knew he was only trying to make up for the past month by coming over and playing video games, but Xander appreciated it all the same. It was nice to know that Jay wasn’t rejecting him because of what he’d told him. If anything, Jay had hardly mentioned it, almost like it hadn’t happened.
Sitting back against the couch, Jay dropped his controller too and reached for his forgotten soda sitting on the side table.
For a moment, no one said anything and the only sound in the room was the theme song playing from the TV.
“So,” Jay said after a prolonged minute in which Xander thought about the homework he was supposed to be doing and when his mom was getting home from work. “Am I, like, allowed to ask questions?”
“About what?” Xander asked, grabbing his controller and turning off the game, now thinking about getting something to eat.
“Kieran.”
Frowning, Xander didn’t look at Jay, staring down at his controller. It was a faded grey, the red and yellow buttons rubbed smooth over years of use.
“Didn’t know you wanted to,” he muttered finally, slightly worried at what Jay might ask him.
“I only have one,” Jay said quickly. “Well, actually, two.”
Xander didn’t see any way out of this, and he probably owed it to Jay to answer his questions as best he could.
“Fine,” he replied finally, pulling his knees up to his chin and waiting for the inevitable.
“Okay,” Jay said slowly. “I guess my first question is why Kieran? I’ve been trying to figure it out and it just doesn’t make sense. You guys weren’t friends - you barely talked to each other. How did it even happen?”
Xander shrugged unhelpfully in response. “I really don’t know, to be honest. We were just working on our physics project and then we were making out on my bed. And it seemed like good idea at the time, you know, ‘cause I didn’t talk to Kieran in school and we didn’t hang out ever. It was sort of like a business arrangement, you know?”
Jay looked thoughtful, eyebrows furrowed, and he set down his soda with a soft clunk against the wood. “So did you… I mean, you thought he was… Fuck, I mean. God, why is this so hard?”
“I thought he was hot?” Xander finished dully and Jay nodded thankfully.
“Yes!”
Xander shrugged a little. “Well, he kind of is, wouldn’t you say?”
Jay looked reluctant to answer and Xander sighed.
“Isa would say he is, I’m sure,” Xander finished as Jay continued to look uncomfortable by the question.
“Yeah, well, I have another question,” Jay said instead of replying.
“You know this is more than two, right?”
Jay ignored him. “Did you guys break up or something?”
“Break up?” Xander repeated skeptically. “There was nothing to break up. We weren’t dating or anything.”
“Well, you were fighting yesterday and he looked pretty-”
“He didn’t look anything,” Xander interrupted sharply. “I just told him it was over.”
“So you did break up?”
“No!” Xander huffed, frustrated. “You can’t break up if you’re not doing anything.”
“Why did you tell him it was over then?”
“Okay, this is way more than two questions,” Xander pointed out moodily, which only seemed to confirm something in Jay as he shook his head.
“You’re getting touchy,” he said as Xander scowled. “Which means you do care. So why did you tell him that?”
“Can you imagine me just announcing to the whole school that I’m sleeping with Kieran Donnelly? Their star of the swim team? Do you think it would go over well?”
“Who said you had to do that?” Jay asked obviously. “You kept it a secret this long. It’s not like he’s going to shout it from the rooftop.”
“Coming out is like shouting it from a rooftop,” Xander pointed out with a pang of annoyance when Jay just arched a skeptical eyebrow. “Especially if Kieran keeps talking to me.”
Jay was silent for a moment as they sat there, the TV screen blank and the room growing darker by the minute from the sky outside.
“Besides,” Xander continued simply, “I shouldn’t be wasting my time on something stupid when I have enough to do with school and my mom.”
“Have you convinced her to let you go east yet?”
“I don’t know if she’s convinced,” Xander muttered. “Actually, I was sort of thinking maybe I wouldn’t.”
“Why?” Jay demanded, surprised, which didn’t surprise Xander considering how long he’d been talking about leaving. “I thought you decided to go. She’s gonna be fine without you.”
“We don’t know that,” Xander replied sharply, glancing at the front door as if his mom was going to walk in at any moment. “She talked about him again the other day, like he was just away on a flight.”
Jay was the only person who knew about his mom and her little white lies she told. Jay was also one of the few people who even knew his dad was dead. When it had happened, Xander hadn’t wanted to tell people. He hadn’t wanted the looks of sympathy or a giant sympathy card from his class, so he’d begged his mom to just tell the school he was out sick for that whole week.
Of course, four years had passed and he wasn’t the scared little kid he was anymore, but it still wasn’t common knowledge what had happened.
“Have you talked to her about it?” Jay asked carefully and Xander sighed.
“Of course I have. She just brushes me off and says it’s easier that way. Sometimes I think she’s trying to protect me or something. But I don’t need it anymore. She doesn’t do it when we’re alone, you know, it’s just…” Xander sighed. “It’s just too much sometimes, and I can’t add someone else on top of it.”
“So it’s a self-sacrifice?” Jay asked finally, a hint of curiosity in his voice as Xander rolled his eyes. “A pre-emptive strike? Saving yourself the trouble of actually liking someone?”
Unamused, Xander frowned at Jay. “Where did you learn all those words?”
“I’m smart,” Jay replied, but Xander shook his head.
“It was Isa, wasn’t it?”
“Now, that’s not fair at all,” Jay said, but Xander was rolling his eyes and climbing up from his spot on the floor.
“I’m getting food,” Xander just said in reply. “Do you want anything?”
“I knew those words before Isa,” Jay protested, and Xander headed for the kitchen alone.
*
Considering it was such a small school, Xander did a pretty good job of avoiding Kieran over the next few days. As far as he was concerned, whatever they had was over and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Except… Except he still found himself thinking about Kieran and the way it hadn’t even been a week since Kieran had suggested having sex. It seemed an eternity ago now, that sunny afternoon cloistered in his bedroom. Of course, the weather hadn’t been nice since that day and Xander doubted it would improve as the on-set of winter became ominous.
Jay hadn’t said anything else about Kieran since their afternoon playing video games which Xander was glad for. He didn’t know how many more times he could explain himself, either to Jay, Kieran, or himself. He just wanted it all to go away.
He made it all the way until Thursday without having to confront anything, but he knew it was too good to last as he headed for his car after school, dumping his bag in the passenger’s side and nearly jumping out of his skin as he shut the door and a voice sounded behind him.
“You didn’t think you’d get out of it that easy, did you?”
Whipping around, Xander stared at Kieran behind him, heart thudding nervously in his chest. One of Kieran’s hands was stuffed in his front pocket, the other on the strap of his bag over his shoulder. He was wearing his sleek, black, swim team jacket, the front zipped halfway down despite the chill on the air.
“Kieran,” Xander said quickly, unable to help the way his eyes darted around the parking lot for anyone listening in. “What are you doing?”
Taking a step closer, Kieran frowned slightly. Xander watched as his hair fell into his eyes, and he looked away. He didn’t need to be remembering just how Kieran’s hair felt, soft and smooth against his fingers, or the way Kieran always seemed to like having it tugged on during… Xander shook himself sharply. He needed to stop thinking about it.
“I want to know what the fuck is going on,” Kieran said seriously as Xander stared at him, panic welling up inside him at his tone, at the look in his eyes.
“I thought we agreed nothing,” Xander replied firmly, or tried to, swallowing nervously as Kieran came closer again with a tired sigh.
“No, you agreed nothing. I got no say which is not fair.” Kieran was watching Xander and it was making him uncomfortable as they stood there. He just wanted to escape. Kieran hesitated for a moment before saying the next thing. “I know about your dad.”
Taken aback, Xander could only stare. “How-?” He stopped, shaking his head. “What… that, that has nothing to do with anything.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kieran asked seriously, and Xander looked away.
“Because I was thirteen and I didn’t want to tell anyone,” he replied sharply, but Kieran was shaking his head.
“I meant now. I mean, why is it a secret?”
“It’s not a secret,” Xander muttered. “It’s just not common knowledge.”
“Well, is that why you’re being stupid and unreasonable?” Kieran asked instead, ignoring the way Xander glared at him.
“I am not being unreasonable,” he argued back. “I can’t deal with… this.” He gestured at Kieran and everything else. “I have other things to do.”
“No, you don’t,” Kieran replied much to Xander’s annoyance. “You’ve spent the entire past month with me and it’s only now, when things are starting to get hard, that you’re backing out. Are you mad because I didn’t know about your dad? Or because if I had talked to you the past few years, I would have known?”
“No,” Xander said sharply, a ripple of anger covering the annoyance now. “I told you already, a million times, that I don’t care that you stopped talking to me! That’s not what this is about. No one else knows about my dad. I don’t get mad at them!”
“Then why are you mad at me?” Kieran demanded and Xander glared.
“Because you’re making this all too hard! Can’t you just accept that I don’t want anything else from you? That we’re done and whatever we were, it won’t be anything more?”
“I don’t believe you,” Kieran said stubbornly as a gust of wind blew past, messing up his hair and blowing it into his face.
“You don’t believe me?” Xander repeated incredulously. “Well, it doesn’t matter because you don’t get to decide this.”
“Well, you’re deciding wrong,” Kieran said sternly. “You’re just doing this because you’re scared of what people would say, of what your mom would say, of what it would do to your mom.”
“What do you know about my mom?” Xander snapped, and his stomach plummeted from the look Kieran gave him.
“I know what she said at dinner last week, and knowing what I know about your dad…”
“She’s not crazy,” Xander interrupted angrily. “She just does it to protect herself, to protect me.”
“Well, you can’t protect her forever,” Kieran pointed out. “And denying yourself things you want will only hurt more later.”
“What do you know about it?” Xander snapped, annoyed at the whole direction this conversation was taking. He was starting to feel bad as he stood there next to his banged-up old-model car. If he was really honest with himself, he didn’t want to end whatever it was with Kieran, if only because it was the only thing resembling a relationship other than his mom and Jay in his life. Not to mention, no one else wanted to have sex with him.
“All I know is that I like you,” Kieran said simply. “And I’m not gonna let you be an idiot and ruin this because you push everyone away. For the Salutatorian, you’re pretty dumb.”
“I’m not the Salutatorian ye-” Xander started to say, but Kieran’s free hand reached out, sliding around the back of his neck and jerking him forward.
Xander’s eyes were wide open as Kieran kissed him, his body stiff with surprise as he stumbled forward a step or two. He thought for a second about pushing Kieran away, but he couldn’t bring himself to, and he could feel himself melting a little, eyes closing and mouth relaxing enough to kiss Kieran back despite his reservations.
Kieran’s fingers stroked the back of his neck softly for a second before he pulled away.
Xander didn’t know what to say, but he was saved, or maybe not so, by an awkward cough to his right.
Kieran’s hand didn’t drop from Xander’s neck as they both looked over to find three of Kieran’s swim team friends staring awkwardly. Eyes widening, Xander wished the earth would just open and swallow him up at that very moment. Instead, a flush of embarrassment and terror spread into his cheeks and he bit his lip, looking away.
“Uh,” one of the guys said slowly while the other two looked just as confused and uncomfortable. “We were just gonna see if you wanted to hang out at the diner.”
Kieran paused and then quirked a small, nervous smile. “Yeah, uh, I don’t think so.”
“O-okay,” the guy replied, sounding glad to be able to leave. “See you later, Kier.”
“Yeah,” Kieran muttered as all three hurried away. “Shit, that was… awkward.”
“Awkward?” Xander repeated hollowly, eyes racing back to Kieran’s, and he was extremely aware of Kieran’s hand still around the back of his neck. “They’re gonna tell everyone.”
“Probably,” Kieran agreed, not sounding half as horrified as he should have been. “So we might as well give them something to talk about.”
“Kieran,” Xander said warningly, but Kieran shook his head to stop anymore excuses.
“You can try all you want, but I’m not letting your insecurities get in the way. Besides, I know you want me.”
“Don’t sound so sure of yourself,” Xander replied, unimpressed, and he swallowed nervously as Kieran’s other hand reached for his waist, pulling him in closer.
“But it’s true,” Kieran replied. “And I know you want me to fuck you again.” He paused, smiling slightly despite Xander’s frown. “You can’t scare me away.”
“Can’t I at least try?” Xander asked hopelessly, but he’d long known that Kieran was a stubborn person, possibly more stubborn than he was.
“You already did,” Kieran said simply, leaning in and kissing him.
They were in plain view of anyone in the parking lot, of anyone still in school, of anyone driving or walking by, but Xander let it happen, hands curling into Kieran’s jacket, and kissing him back. It was warm and familiar, and Xander hated to admit it, but he wanted it, maybe even needed it.
As Kieran backed him up against the side of the cold car, Xander broke away panting, nose pressed against Kieran’s.
“So when do I get to top?” he asked and Kieran’s mouth curled into a grin.
“Soon,” he replied simply, and Xander didn’t argue as Kieran kissed him again and it started to rain.
*
FIN.
A/N: Thanks again to everyone who's supported my writings! :D If you haven't already, please check out The Preposition Series!