Just A Perfect Apple
Reread Part Three.
*
It was a girl. Cash didn’t know anything about girls, well, except one thing which he was sure would be unhelpful with a child. He didn’t know anything about Alex either, for that matter.
Alex’s words kept revolving around his head, echoing over and over until he wanted to kill himself just to get them out.
Maybe I want you to be involved.
It couldn’t possibly mean what Cash thought it meant, though, right? Alex just meant that he wanted Cash to care. He always wanted Cash to care, always wanted Cash to notice him. But that didn’t mean anything.
They’d been friends for too long for it to mean anything but that.
As Cash sat on his old couch, drinking beer and watching cartoons in the middle of the day, he thought back on the past few months.
He hadn’t been avoiding Alex at first, not really. Sure, the sex had been awkward, but no worse than the time after prom with Lauren Miller. She’d cried. It had not been Cash’s finest moment, but it wasn’t any worse than sex with Alex except that Alex was his best friend and hadn’t cried so much as pretended he was someone else.
And it would have been fine too, maybe, if it hadn’t happened the second time, when Alex was desperate for it. Cash could still see every change in his expression, feel every press of his fingers, and no matter how many times he told himself he wasn’t gay, he couldn’t get the feel of Alex beneath him out of his mind. It was stuck there like a movie on repeat, playing over and over.
He didn’t like Alex like that, he told himself. Okay, so the sex had been a lot better the second time, but that hardly meant anything. Alex was his best friend, whom he’d known forever. He knew all of Alex’s secrets and Alex knew all of his. And he didn’t like him like that.
Except for the part where he maybe did.
Groaning, he buried his head in his hands as the television played some stupid cartoon. This was perfectly the wrong time for all of this to happen. Alex was fucking five and a half months pregnant. In less than four months, there would be a baby crying in his arms. Cash could already see his face - bright like the fucking sun as he held his baby. Alex would be ecstatic and Cash would be… nowhere to be found.
Cash knew for a fact - an unquestionable, irrefutable fact - that he would be the world’s worst father, and Alex should have known that, so where did he get off telling Cash he wanted him involved? What made him think it was a good idea? Cash was most likely to drop the baby, to heat the milk too hot, to put on the diaper too tight. He was not a good candidate for a father, and everyone knew it.
Maybe Johnson had been right, he thought, lifting his face from his hands. He should never have offered. The can was open; the worms were everywhere.
Cash had no answers to his problems, although one did tug at the back of his mind as he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, staring in at the line of beers there.
Only four more months, he thought as he stood there, and then the rest of his life. Fuck.
He knew what he had to do, but he just didn’t want to admit it.
*
Alex decided he didn’t want Cash to care. Well, that was a lie, but it was better than wondering if he was ever going to talk to Cash again because the thought made his insides crumble and he felt kind of like crying, which he totally blamed on the hormones.
Instead, he threw himself into the baby.
Marshall hadn’t wasted any time moving in with Ian, which meant that Alex had the apartment completely to himself. It was rather lonely without anyone else around, but it also gave him the opportunity to start work on the nursery.
He’d cleaned Marshall’s old room from head to toe and spent hours just sitting on the floor and staring at the empty walls. He tried picturing him sitting in there, maybe in a cool rocking chair or something, holding his baby and singing her to sleep.
He was thinking green or maybe yellow for the walls. He didn’t care that he knew it was a girl. When his kid got to be sixteen, she wouldn’t want pink walls. With his luck, she’d want to paint them black.
He’d bought a crib already but putting it together was another story.
He had it all laid out in pieces, the instructions spread out before him, screws in bags and pieces of wood waiting for something to happen. It was a little daunting as he looked around, wondering exactly where to start. He’d never been very good at putting things together. That was more of Cash’s area of expertise.
As he stared down at the pieces, he heard the front door open. He assumed it was Marshall, coming back for something he’d forgotten. He didn’t expect to hear Cash’s voice coming down the hallway.
“So this guy came into the shop today and he had this old, like, 60s Volkswagen van and he wants us to paint it in successive rainbow colors and restore the whole thing.” Cash was down the hallway now and Alex didn’t understand what was going on. “Why you are in Marshall’s room, and where is all his shit?”
Alex didn’t answer his question, staring at Cash, who just perched in the doorway, cool as anything, like none of the past few months had even happened.
“Marshall moved out; why are you here?” Alex said in one big rush.
“Where’d he go?” Cash asked, and Alex wasn’t answering that. Cash couldn’t just show up and act like nothing was wrong.
“Cash, what are you doing?”
Cash paused, leaning against the doorframe and eyes grazing over the scattered pieces of the crib.
“You know, DeLeon, sometimes I’m not as stupid as you think,” he said finally and Alex frowned. “I know why you want me involved.”
“You do?” Alex asked, slightly confused.
“Yeah,” Cash replied, giving him a look when Alex just looked confused. “It’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?”
Alex frowned. “I just think it’d be nice if you cared a little.”
“That’s it?” Cash asked, frowning now. How thick was he? Even Cash had figured it out by now, although he’d be damned if he was telling Alex that when he apparently didn’t know.
“What?” Alex asked when Cash stared at him. He fidgeted a little, tugging his shirt down over the very obvious bump. Biting his lip, he didn’t know what to say. He just wanted Cash to be interested. He didn’t have to be there all the time, just sometimes. “I miss you… You’re never around anymore. Is it because you’re afraid I’ll make you do stuff? ‘Cause I won’t, Cash, I can handle things. I want to do this. I just hate when you avoid me.”
Cash wanted to grab Alex and shake him, the idiot, but he didn’t, because he was pregnant, and that wouldn’t help anything. Alex was giving him that pitiful look, and Cash just sighed. This whole thing had been a horrible idea.
“Okay,” he said finally. “I’m here now. I’m not avoiding you. I… want to be here.” He wasn’t sure he should have said that, but Alex’s expression was brightening, and it made his stomach clench a little, and yeah, this was such a bad idea.
“Really?” Alex asked hopefully, and Cash shrugged vaguely after a second.
Cash sucked in a breath. Alex had at least stopped chewing his lip, and since when did he care so much about Alex’s mouth? Since he’d realized he was maybe, possibly in love with his pregnant best friend. Right.
Shaking himself, he looked away from Alex’s smile and to the scattered pieces of parts on the floor.
“How did you mess this shit up so bad?” he just muttered as he sunk down and Alex beamed behind him.
*
“Hey, Cash, where’ve you been?” Greta asked as she went behind the counter and Cash tapped his half-empty bottle of beer. “You didn’t find another place for free beer, did you?”
“Nah,” Cash replied, taking a sip. “Just been hanging out other places.”
Greta nodded slowly, glancing over to where Alex was talking with Brendon near the piano. “I don’t suppose this has anything to do with a certain pregnant friend?”
“No,” he muttered back, and she raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” she let on, grabbing him a new beer. “But if you’re not careful, someone’s secret is going to get slipped.”
Cash looked up as she left and Brendon slid up next to him at the bar. Cash didn’t think he could handle another lecture about Alex.
“Alex seems happy,” he commented as he sat there and Cash sunk in his seat a little.
“He’s usually happy,” he replied, and Brendon smiled a little.
“Have you told him yet?”
“Told him what?” Cash frowned, glancing over, and Brendon just smirked.
“I know you’ve got pretty much the rest of your life,” Brendon said, “but you’ve only got three more months until it’s not just the two of you anymore.”
“It’s not the two of us now,” Cash replied, a little too hard, pushing himself up and glancing back at Alex quickly. Alex was smiling at Greta, hands resting on his stomach, and he was practically glowing. Cash tried to ignore the coil in his stomach as he looked away. His gaze fell instead on Jon down the bar.
He wasn’t working, but instead grinning at Spencer, and Cash was more than a little confused when Spencer leaned over the counter to kiss Jon.
“When did they start fucking?” he asked Brendon, jerking his thumb down the counter.
Brendon peered down, still smirking. “Around about the time you started ignoring Alex’s texts.”
Alex shared too much with his boss, Cash decided, scowling.
“You should tell Alex,” Brendon said knowledgeably. “Sometimes he can be a little…”
“Stupid?” Cash asked, and Brendon laughed.
“Look who’s talking.”
Cash would have argued but Brendon was sliding away, shouting at Jon to get back to work, and for Spencer to distract the bartender on his own time.
Cash turned as Brendon left, not meaning to when his eyes fell on Alex again, and Alex gave him that same bright smile, waving a little. Cash didn’t wave back, turning back to the bar.
Why did his best friend have to be Alex DeLeon? And why did Cash have to like him? Why? It just wasn’t fair.
*
Alex liked having Cash back, even if he was still acting a little weird. At least he was there acting weird instead of somewhere else.
Things were finally starting to come together, and Alex couldn’t help but be overly excited. The nursery was mostly put together, although a lot of that was thanks to Cash and Ian, who’d really done most of the work. Alex and Marshall had put on Mulan and waited until it was done.
Alex had decided to go with a light turquoise color, more on the green side than blue. He might have gone overboard with the buying stuff, but he didn’t want to be unprepared, so if he had one too many car seats or a gadget he didn’t know what to do with, it was no big deal. He wanted his daughter to have the best.
The best, it turned out, included Disney movies, which was exactly why Saturday found Alex and Cash sitting on the couch, watching every Disney movie he owned, which happened to be a lot. Alex had talked Cash into it, offering to buy him a new string for his bass.
“You know the baby will be growing eyelashes soon?” Alex asked as they sat there watching Cinderella.
Cash glanced up from where he was slumped against Alex, thinking it should probably be the other way around, but Alex didn’t seem to mind, slipped down on the couch with his feet on the coffee table and his hands resting on his stomach.
He didn’t say anything in response. It still freaked him out a little when he thought that it was his kid, no matter how much he said he wasn’t involved.
“I’m kinda worried, though,” Alex said after a minute and Cash yawned. He was bored of Disney movies already. He kept his eyes on the screen, though, because if he looked at Alex, he’d find himself too close to Alex’s mouth, and that was just a bad idea.
“Why?” he mumbled instead, sighing and shifting up a little.
“Well, it’s been almost six and a half months, and I’ve felt it, like, move and stuff, but she still hasn’t - oh shit!”
“What?” Cash asked, confused, and felt as Alex went still.
“Oh,” Alex breathed, hands pressing against his stomach. “She kicked!”
Cash guessed that it was a good thing when Alex’s eyes lit up and he grinned.
“Come on, you gotta feel!” he said, grabbing Cash’s hand and pulling it onto his stomach before Cash could even protest.
“I don’t feel anything,” Cash said, trying to tug his hand away, but Alex’s fingers were wrapped around his wrist and he didn’t let him go.
“Just wait a second,” he breathed, like being quiet would help or something.
Cash waited impatiently, the sounds of singing mice reaching his ears, and he was about to try another escape when he felt it; a tiny pressure against the palm of his hand.
“That’s so cool,” Alex said, and Cash could hear the awed smile in his voice.
Eyes flicking up, he met Alex’s eyes, Alex’s smile, watching the way he bit his lip, and Cash couldn’t help himself.
He was pushing up before he could stop himself, not even giving Alex time to falter before his mouth was pressed against his.
Alex froze slightly when Cash’s tongue flicked out over his lip, and he fumbled for a second before jerking back.
“Cash?” he asked, and Cash’s eyes widened slightly as he realized.
“I-fuck,” he said, moving back quickly, and Alex’s grip on his wrist slackened and he pulled away. “Uhm.”
“Cash, what-” Alex tried to say, but Cash was already standing.
“I have to go,” he said quickly. “To… work. Yeah. I’ll see you later.”
He left before Alex could do much more than stutter his name, and as he waited by the elevator, he hit his head repeatedly with his hand.
“You are such a fuck-up, Cash,” he muttered to himself as the elevator dinged and he hurried inside, pressing the door-close button over and over until the doors finally slid shut.
*
Cash was in deep shit. He had kissed Alex, which was wrong in itself, but Alex hadn’t kissed him back. Alex had stared at him like he’d grown another head. Shit.
“Ow!” Johnson banged his head on the hood of the car and came up, staring at Cash, a wrench still in his hand. “You what?”
Cash rolled his eyes and huffed, opening the side door to the van and peering inside.
“I kissed him, and I’m not gay, okay? I just… like DeLeon.”
“Kissing a guy is totally gay,” Johnson told him. “Especially if it’s your best friend.”
“It’s not my fault,” Cash argued, picking at the old upholstery and the peace sign hanging in the front window. “He looked all happy and shit. What am I supposed to do?”
“Be his straight best friend who whores himself out to every girl he sees?” Johnson drawled, and maybe Johnson wasn’t the best person to ask for advice. He should have asked Frank.
“Dude, I’m screwed,” Cash said decidedly.
“Yeah,” Johnson agreed after a second. “And what are you going to tell DeLeon?”
“That I was high?” Cash guessed. He had no idea what Alex was thinking, especially since he’d been avoiding him the last few days… again. He was going to be the worst father ever.
His phone was filled with text messages from Alex, increasingly worried the longer he didn’t reply. The last one had been a hysterical guess about what had happened, and really, Alex needed to stop watching daytime soaps.
“I don’t think he’ll believe you,” Johnson said honestly, and Cash knew he was right.
“Then I’ll claim momentary insanity. He’ll believe that.” Cash shook his head. “I know, though, I know that he feels it too. Why else would he have asked me to be involved? Why else would he smile at me like that?”
Johnson was staring at him, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Dude, you sound like a girl.”
“Fuck you,” Cash snapped, punching him in the arm, and Johnson glared. “I’m just trying to figure this out.”
“It would be a hell of a lot easier if you’d just ask him,” Johnson pointed out, stepping out of Cash’s arm-punching range.
Cash scoffed. “Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, right,” Johnson repeated seriously. “Now gimme the screwdriver and shut up before Frank comes out and gives you the Miracle of Life speech.”
Cash rolled his eyes, but handed over the screwdriver anyway. Talking never solved anything.
*
Alex was freaking out. Cash had kissed him. And it hadn’t been just a kiss; it had been a kiss. Cash’s eyes had even been closed for those two seconds before Alex had pulled away. He’d seen it, and it scared him.
It scared him because it was Cash, and he tried not to think about Cash like that. Cash had been his best friend for a long time, and Alex had seen just about everything when it came to him. The only thing he hadn’t seen was Cash caring about someone else enough for it to matter.
Cash could be a self-centered jerk sometimes, and it didn’t really bother Alex so much, and it wasn’t really a surprise, then, that Cash didn’t have serious relationships or bother with names half the time.
But Cash had kissed him, on his own volition, without some sort of prior agreement, and Alex hadn’t been expecting it.
Cash hadn’t answered any of his texts either, which was more than a little annoying. He just wanted to know why.
Alex usually tried not to think about what might have happened if he hadn’t broken it. He could have let it go on, let Cash push him back against the couch and climb over him, the bump in the way. It would have been nice to feel someone again, especially if it was Cash.
Alex had never admitted it to anyone, or even really himself, but he’d always had something of a crush on Cash, ever since freshman year when Cash had turned his grin on Alex once and he’d felt a tingle in his stomach. Of course, he’d hated Cash for it at first, but hate had turned to grudging dislike to gradual acceptance of Cash in his life. Thirteen years later, he was pregnant with Cash’s kid and Cash was kissing him randomly on his couch.
Alex hadn’t told anyone about Cash’s actions yet. He was hoping that somehow, Cash would come back and explain it. He knew it was a stupid hope, but he still waited.
He spent the time reading out loud to his stomach. He’d read somewhere that it was good for the baby and would help it recognize his voice. The stack of children’s books on the coffee table was dwindling and he was due for another trip to the library soon. He was trying to find the ones he liked the best before the baby came so he’d know which to buy later.
He was halfway through Bill Peet’s The Little Bighorn when the front door opened without so much as a knock and Cash came in.
Struggling to push himself up, Alex opened his mouth but Cash was already talking.
“Okay, DeLeon,” he said, shutting the door behind him and coming over to the couch where Alex was sitting, the book perched over his stomach and staring up. “There is an explanation. I was momentarily insane, and it was an accident and… I didn’t mean to do it.”
Cash stopped, wondering if Alex bought it. From the look on his face, he didn’t.
Sighing, Cash’s fingers itched for a cigarette. “Alright, there, it didn’t happen. Now we can go back to being normal.”
Alex still stared, confused, and Cash groaned.
“Fuck, Alex, what do you want me to say?”
Alex paused for a second before struggling up. It was a lot harder now with the extra weight, and the book dropped to the ground with a flump.
“You called me ‘Alex’,” he said finally and Cash was confused.
“So?” He didn’t see what this had to do with anything. Alex wasn’t going with his ‘let’s pretend this didn’t happen’ plan very well.
“So you never call me Alex,” he said, steadying himself on the couch for a second.
“So?” Cash didn’t get it. “There’s too many. It gets confusing.”
“You did a couple times, though,” Alex continued quietly, and he didn’t know why he was saying this now. It wasn’t going to change anything. Obviously Cash wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. “When we…”
“We…?” Cash fished when Alex hesitated, biting his lip, and Cash really wished that he wouldn’t. This was not going the way he’d planned, and if he wasn’t careful, that disconnect between his brain and his body would kick in again.
“Had sex,” Alex finished finally, and oh.
“Oh,” Cash said, watching the way Alex twisted his hands and licked his dry lips.
Alex ducked his head for a second, curls falling into his face as he paused. He shouldn’t be saying it, but he wanted to get it out before he realized what he was doing and stopped.
“Cash,” he said after a second and Cash didn’t move, watching him carefully. “I think that I…”
Cash had to stop him, but he couldn’t think of any way other than being a complete asshole or…
Alex gave a surprised jerk as Cash pulled him forward, mouth landing on his, slightly off-center. His stomach was in the way as Cash pressed in, hands sliding up to his neck, one curling into his hair as his tongue flicked out.
It was unexpected again, and there was still no explanation. Cash was straight, Alex was pretty sure. Then again, they had had sex twice and he was here kissing him right now.
“Stop thinking so much,” Cash muttered against his lips, teeth sinking into his bottom lip and yeah, okay, Alex could do that.
Cash’s mouth was amazing, Alex thought as Cash kissed him, deeper and wetter than before, tongue flicking into his mouth until he was panting for breath.
“Cash,” he panted as Cash pulled away for just a second, biting at Alex’s jaw. “Do you think-”
“Shut up,” Cash breathed, thumb grazing across Alex’s lower lip. “Talking never solved anything.”
Alex’s response was a lost muffle as Cash kissed him again. They could figure out the rest later.
*
“Wait, he what?” Marshall stared at Alex, and Alex edged closer, lowering his voice so that no one else would hear.
Ian’s apartment was decorated with too many green balloons, several of which had Disney princesses stuck on them. The food was nearly gone, and the pile of gifts was stacked semi-neatly on a table in the corner.
The guests were lounging around arguing over which names were best, but Alex had cornered Marshall to talk to him about Cash.
“He kissed me,” he whispered, hands resting over his stomach and he felt the baby kick at his pelvis. It kind of hurt. “Can you believe it?”
Marshall stared for another second before laughing. “He kissed you,” he repeated again, and Alex nodded.
He still couldn’t believe it himself, but it had happened; Cash had kissed him again, had brushed back his hair and pulled him closer. He could still feel the butterflies flapping when he thought back on it.
“He likes me,” he murmured softly and Marshall rolled his eyes fondly.
“Of course he does,” he said, shaking his head. “You two are just the stupidest people I’ve ever met.”
Alex frowned at that, but Marshall pulled him over to the couch with everyone else, and he decided to let it go. Cash liked him, after all these years of Alex’s petty jealousy of Cash’s girlfriends, of Cash’s unfriendly commentary about everyone Alex ever went out with. Finally, things were working out in a good way.
“Hey,” Ian called from where he sat in the armchair, a bunch of little pieces of paper scattered over his lap. “How do you feel about the name Eleanor?”
Alex sat down on the couch with some difficulty, and Brendon shoved Spencer over to make room. He paused for a second and then smiled down at his stomach.
“Died alone.”
*
Cash was sick of Disney movies already, and when Alex tried to put on another one, he absolutely refused.
“No!” he said, grabbing the DVD out of his hand and backing up out of Alex’s reach. It wasn’t as though Alex could really come after him anyway, what with him lumbering around like a whale. “We are not watching any more Disney crap.” Alex looked scandalized. “I want some action or something.”
“Cash,” Alex tried to whine, but Cash wasn’t giving in this time. It had been weeks of nothing but Disney and he was sick of it.
“We’re watching Fast and the Furious,” he said firmly, shoving the Disney movie deep in the cupboard and pulling out the right movie.
Alex just sighed, too tired to argue. He’d been getting more and more tired lately, and he blamed the baby pushing at his pelvis like it was trying to stretch it apart.
It wasn’t so bad, though, when Cash pressed the DVD in and came back, flopping down on the couch next to him. He let Alex lean into him as the movie started, snuggling into his side and thankfully falling silent.
It didn’t last long, though, as he felt Alex shift against him. He tried to ignore it. Alex was always fidgeting these days from the baby. No position was comfortable for him.
Alex tried to watch the movie, but something was nagging at him, and he knew he was going to have to say something eventually, whether or not Cash just wanted to ignore the whole thing.
“Are we ever gonna talk about it?” he asked finally, looking up to where Cash sighed, eyes on the TV.
“What?”
Alex pushed himself up slightly, watching Cash more intently now. Cash didn’t meet his eyes. “You kissed me… twice.”
“What do you want to talk about?” Cash asked evasively, and Alex bit his lip.
“You like me, don’t you,” he said, watching Cash carefully, and Cash paused. “You like me and I’m gonna have a baby in, like, two months.”
“You’re gonna have my baby,” Cash corrected him, and his stomach fluttered nervously when Alex’s eyes brightened at his words. He hesitated. “I think I can kiss you if I want.”
“So you want to,” Alex continued slowly, turning Cash’s head with his fingers on his chin, touch light.
Cash paused then sighed. “DeLeon,” he said, pulling Alex’s wrist away. “You fucking talk too much.”
“I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with you-”
Cash pulled him forward, cutting off the end of his sentence and sighing slowly. “Yes, okay, I want to.”
Alex’s eyes flicked up before Cash was leaning in. He tried to press closer into the kiss, for the first time hating that his stomach was so big since it prevented any real intimacy.
“So,” Alex breathed quietly when the kiss broke slowly. “I want to too.”
Cash huffed out a laugh, breath hot on Alex’s lips. “Yeah, I figured that out.”
“Jerk,” Alex muttered affectionately, leaning in to kiss him again, smiling when Cash reached for his hips and pulled him closer.
Cash’s hand was twined in his hair, and Alex sighed against his mouth, hand sliding down his neck as Cash shifted more towards him. Alex could hear his heart pounding harder now, and he could hardly believe this was happening. Sure, it had happened before, but it had always been because of some prior arrangement, not Cash pushing up into him, mouth sliding over his.
He almost hesitated as he moved his hand down, pulling out of the kiss even as Cash let out a long breath.
“Is this okay?” Alex asked carefully, hand resting lightly on Cash’s stomach, and Cash nodded.
“Yeah, fuck, Alex,” he breathed, pulling his mouth back and groaning as Alex’s fingers fumbled with the zipper.
It was still a little strange, Alex thought, as he pushed his hand under the waist of Cash’s jeans and wrapped around him, hot and hard. But Cash was pushing up encouragingly, fingers tightening in his hair as he broke the kiss with a curse.
“Hurry up,” Cash gasped, pushing into Alex’s hand. He wanted to get off, hadn’t for weeks with anyone’s help. He could feel Alex’s hesitation, always there lingering in the background. He ignored it, though, growling as Alex’s hand tightened and he sped up.
Alex watched this time, watched as Cash came undone, eyes falling shut as he stroked harder. He watched Cash mouth curses, groaning when he finally came, wet and sticky on Alex’s hand. Alex paused before wiping his hand on Cash’s jeans as Cash looked down.
“Fucker,” he muttered and Alex paused, but then Cash was tugging him closer again, kissing his chin softly. “We’re having a baby,” he said quietly, and Alex smiled.
“Yeah.”
Cash was silent for a second and then, “What the fuck were we thinking?”
Alex just smiled and settled in to watch the movie.
*
October dissolved into November almost too fast, and Alex found himself lifting up the calendar just one month now to stare at the date circled there. He couldn’t believe it had happened so quickly. He was sure that he was completely, almost one hundred percent ready. He had everything prepared, and Brendon had already told him he didn’t expect to see him at work until at least three months after the baby was born.
The situation with Cash had improved a thousand times, although there were still moments when Alex could sense something was wrong. Cash didn’t say anything, though, just acted like everything was fine. He still went to work, still barged in unannounced, and now that Alex was living alone, he seemed to do it more often than normal.
“Gotta make sure you’re not dead,” Cash only said when Alex asked. It was close enough to affection for Alex, who knew Cash didn’t really show that side to anyone.
A few weeks away from his due date found Alex sitting up in bed - Dr. Beckett had told him he needed to rest, stay off his feet more now, so he sat in bed, surrounded by baby name books. Cash was lying next to him, picking at his bass, bored, as Alex went through the books.
“What about Iris?” Alex asked and Cash glanced up, putting his bass aside and pulling the book from Alex’s hand.
“I don’t know why you’re looking through fucking books. Names should have meaning.”
“And what does ‘Cash’ mean?” Alex asked pointedly.
“That I’m going to be fucking money,” Cash replied obviously. “And besides, Iris is a fucking sad song.”
“What do you suggest, then?” Alex asked, annoyed.
“How about Stacy?” Cash asked and Alex scoffed.
“We’re not naming our kid so the song makes you sound hot.”
“You’re the mom,” Cash pointed out. “It’d be about you.”
Alex paused slightly, but Cash was flipping through the book now. He sighed. “Name’s are hard.”
Cash didn’t agree or disagree, just tossed the book away and slid down, hands behind his head. Alex took a second before joining him. He lay on his side since it was uncomfortable to lay any other way.
“Only a couple weeks,” he murmured quietly. “And then we’ll have a baby. Can you believe it?”
Cash didn’t reply, staring up at the ceiling.
“She’ll be so tiny. And I know she’ll be perfect. Maybe she’ll have your nose, or your hair. I kinda hope she gets your hair and not mine. Do you think she’ll want to learn music? What if she likes sports?” He made a face, hand resting on Cash’s chest lightly. “I guess we’ll just put her in soccer or something. Maybe she’ll be a famous basketball player. Or maybe she’ll be a doctor. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
Cash still didn’t say anything, and Alex glanced up.
“Just imagine when she’s sixteen and starts dating. That’s gonna be… well, a nightmare, but it’ll be so cool, don’t you think? Cash?”
Cash sighed, rolling over a little, away from Alex.
Alex paused. “You know, Thanksgiving is soon. I think I might go home for a couple days. My mom’s been trying to get me to visit pretty much since I told her.”
Cash made a noise in response and Alex watched him carefully.
“You could come,” he offered quietly. “We could bring the sonogram pictures, tell her about the baby and everything. Cash?”
Cash sighed harshly. He really didn’t want to talk about the baby, didn’t really want to think about the future and what Alex’s mom would have to say.
“What?” Alex asked, concerned, and Cash’s eyes landed on his bass sitting by the bed.
“Your mom doesn’t like me,” he reminded Alex. “She never did. And do you actually think the baby will make it to age sixteen?” he asked finally, a sharp edge to his voice that made Alex pause.
“Sure, why wouldn’t she?” he asked, confused. “And my mom likes you… sort of.”
“Well, with me around,” Cash replied, staring at the neck of the bass. It had a blue and black fretboard that looked kind of like teeth clawing their way down.
Alex frowned slightly, reaching for Cash’s shoulder. “What are you talking about?”
Cash’s stomach was coiling and uncoiling angrily, partially at Alex’s words, that he just didn’t get it, partially at his concern.
“You know who I am, right?” Cash asked, rolling over and meeting Alex’s eyes. Alex was still frowning.
“You’re Cash?”
“I’m Cash Colligan,” Cash said, pushing himself up. “I spent almost my entire high school career high behind the art room. I almost didn’t graduate. I slept with half the cheerleading squad and jumped off the cafeteria roof on a bet - and I broke my leg. I exploded half of the chem. lab. You don’t remember that?”
“The lab was just an accident,” Alex started to say but Cash scoffed.
“Give it up, Alex, and just admit it. You remember. So with all of that shit, how am I supposed to be a good father? You said it yourself - I can’t even find my socks in the morning, so how the fuck am I supposed to match pink socks for a baby? I’ll drop her off the changing table and leave her in hot cars in the summer. I’m incapable of taking care of anyone else.”
“That’s not true,” Alex said, struggling up as Cash scoffed, wishing he had a cigarette, but he had been trying to cut back for the baby. “Cash, it’s gonna be fine.”
“You say that now,” Cash said, thinking back on the last few months. He’d already fucked up a lot about this, and Alex was just here with the blind faith, like always. “But when the kid is a slut, we’ll know who to blame, huh?”
“Cash,” Alex said as Cash rolled off the bed, pulling on his jacket. “Wait.”
“If our kid is a doctor, it’ll be because she got your brains, not mine,” Cash only said, leaving out the door and Alex struggled to follow him. It was much harder now, and he sort of rolled off the side, grabbing into the table to push himself up.
By the time he even made it into the living room, Cash was at the front door, halfway through it.
“Cash, wait a second,” he called, and Cash paused, glancing back. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” Cash muttered, eyes falling to Alex’s very pregnant stomach. “Somewhere I’m not going to screw anything up.”
Alex couldn’t stop him as he left, and he watched as the door shut behind him.
He’d known Cash was nervous, acting a little strange, but he hadn’t thought this was the reason. Cash had always been completely confident whether or not he messed things up. He had a natural charisma that made people like him despite all his flaws. Maybe he didn’t know that.
As Alex stood there staring at the closed door, he sighed. He wanted chocolate.
*
“Where’s Cash?” Greta asked she wiped off the bar. Jon was on his break, although Alex suspected that he wasn’t so much taking a break as making out with Spencer on the couch in the back office. He reminded himself not to sit there anymore.
Alex shrugged, picking at the label on his water bottle and wishing it were mountain dew. He heard Greta’s sigh and glanced up.
“Not another fight?” she asked. “What did he do this time?”
“Who?” Cassadee asked as she returned to the bar with her tray.
“Cash,” Alex muttered, “and he didn’t do anything. Really.”
Cassadee laughed, and Alex barely contained his glare. He still didn’t like that she’d gone out with Cash.
“He doesn’t do much of anything, does he?”
“What do you mean?” Alex asked, frowning, and Cassadee pushed her dark hair out of her eyes, shrugging.
“We went to this restaurant and all he did was talk about cars. It was so boring.”
Alex frowned. “I thought you and he…”
“What?” Cassadee asked with a look. Alex shrugged awkwardly and she made a face. “Ew, no. Cars aren’t my thing, Alex. Especially not the backseats.”
Alex fell silent as she breezed away, and only looked up when Greta cleared her throat.
“Are you afraid he’s still sleeping around?”
“No,” Alex muttered. “I’m just… He’s worried that he’ll be a bad parent and I don’t know how to tell him he won’t be.”
“You can’t tell him,” Greta counseled sagely. “He’ll figure it out for himself.”
“Not if he keeps running away, or he just doesn’t believe it.”
Greta paused for a second. “There’s hope for everyone.” She paused, watching Spencer and Jon come out from the back, Spencer straightening his clothes and a stupid grin on Jon’s face. “Trust me.”
Alex hoped she was right.
*
Seven days.
It sounded like a bad horror movie, but Cash couldn’t help thinking it as he frowned at the calendar hanging up in the shop. The picture across the top was a snowy scene, a sparkly Christmas tree lit up in the middle, and Cash really needed to suggest a more manly calendar for the next year.
“Excited yet?” A hand clapped him hard on the shoulder and Cash didn’t admit to jumping as he looked back at Frank. Frank was grinning at him, a jaunty Santa’s hat on his head, and Cash didn’t say anything about the fact that Christmas was still weeks away.
“Christmas?” he asked, moving away from Frank, and Frank shook his head, still grinning.
“No, dude. It’s almost the big day, isn’t it? How’s DeLeon doing? I bet he looks like a twig carrying a cocoon. He hasn’t freaked out yet, has he? I probably would by now.”
“No, he’s fine,” Cash muttered, thinking it was him that was the screw-up, yet again.
“You being the good buddy and sticking around, right?” Frank asked when Cash avoided his eyes. “I mean, if he went into labor early…”
“He’d freak out and I’d get a million texts in the span of two minutes,” Cash finished obviously, heading over to the car he was supposed to be painting cherry red.
“You know, I could give you paternity leave,” Frank said after a minute and Cash’s eyebrows furrowed. “Call it a Christmas gift.”
“Christmas is weeks away,” Cash muttered, and Frank shrugged.
Christmas was, in fact, twenty-five days away, and Cash had barely survived the last holiday. He hadn’t seen Alex for a while - Alex had apparently given in to his mother’s wishes and gone home, although it meant a lot of driving, probably too much for someone in his condition. Cash had stayed home, pretending he didn’t feel guilty, eating leftover pizza and watching football.
He knew Alex was trying to give him space, which was a nice change, but he also knew that Alex was dying to tell him he wasn’t a screw up and that he could do this. It didn’t matter, though. Cash knew what he knew, and everybody else did too.
“Think about it,” Frank told him seriously, plucking off his Santa hat and perching it on Cash’s head. “You might change your mind.”
Cash doubted it but waited until Frank had left to pull off the hat and toss it in a faraway corner.
*
The holidays were always a hassle, but Alex found it seemed to be worse this year. After Thanksgiving passed and December officially began, he found himself waiting anxiously.
Everything was ready, except one thing.
Alex hadn’t gotten Cash to talk to him about anything more than name suggestions, and even then, they still hadn’t come up with anything they both liked. At least Cash hadn’t run away completely, though, Alex thought as they sat on the couch, the TV on the news, but neither of them was really watching. Alex’s eyes kept flickering to the calendar. The date was creeping closer and closer and he couldn’t help but feel anxious.
“Cash,” he said as they sat there and Cash fiddled with a loose string on his sleeve. He made a noise in response. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
Slowly, Cash looked up. “Yeah, you are.”
“No,” Alex replied, turning towards him. “What if something goes wrong? I mean, it’s a baby.”
“That you wanted,” Cash reminded him, and Alex nodded, biting his lip nervously.
“I know. I just don’t… I’m just nervous.”
“You’re gonna be fine,” Cash said, sliding an arm over his shoulders and tugging him closer. The closeness still felt a little weird, but he liked when Alex sighed and curled into him.
“I’m glad you’re here anyway,” Alex muttered, and Cash’s stomach did that annoying clench as he brushed Alex’s hair away from his neck lightly.
“Where else would I be?” he muttered back and Alex shifted, looking up slightly and hesitating.
“Well, not with Cassadee,” he replied, and Cash frowned.
“What are you talking about?”
“You lied to me,” Alex said without moving, and Cash didn’t reply. “You said she and you did stuff.”
“Just fucking say what you mean,” Cash huffed, and Alex’s fingers curled into his shirt.
“You lied about Cassadee. You knew I was jealous.”
“You’re always jealous,” Cash replied. “’Cause I get more than you.”
Rolling his eyes, Alex sighed. “Well, I was jealous, and I think you wanted me to be.”
“That’s stupid,” Cash said, hand paused on the back of Alex’s neck.
“No, it’s not,” Alex continued. “You wanted me to.”
Cash sighed. “Does this have a point?”
The news wasn’t interesting, and Alex paused, feeling the rhythmic thud of Cash’s heart against his palm. It almost matched the shifting of the baby in his stomach. He almost couldn’t believe he was so close.
“Not really,” he admitted, hearing Cash’s annoyed sigh. “Just that neither of us are perfect, and we’ll always do stupid things, and it’s okay. I still like you.”
Cash paused and then let out a slow breath, fingers resuming their light brushing against his neck.
“Yeah,” he muttered. “I guess I like you too.”
Alex smiled, hidden from Cash. “Can we change the channel? I hate news.”
Cash already had the remote in hand.
*
Alex was late, no, not to work. He was late and not the girl kind of late either. It was far too late for that.
“Maybe I should call Dr. Beckett again,” Alex said, hand already pulling out his phone, but Cash snatched it away despite Alex’s glare.
“You already called him twice,” Cash said, tucking the phone away and taking a sip of his beer. Greta was playing something slow and jazzy at the piano, and Jon was spending most of his time at the other end of the bar talking to Spencer. Alex just didn’t have to time to worry about Jon doing his job when he had bigger fish to fry, like getting his phone back. “It’s only been a day, relax.”
“Easy for you to say,” Alex grumbled. “You don’t have a seven pound baby crushing your liver and making you need the bathroom every five seconds. What if something’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Cash scoffed, still not giving back the phone as Alex eyed him warily. “Dr. Beckett said it was perfectly normal to be late on the first kid.”
“You two having another kid?” Jon asked as he finally came over from Spencer to fix a drink for someone else. “Seems a little early, doesn’t it? I thought it should be out by now.”
“Needs a little more time in the oven,” Cash replied and Alex scowled.
“It’s not a cake. It’s a kid.”
“Well, it’s obviously not ready yet,” Cash said. “Can’t I say I blame it.”
Alex rolled his eyes but before he could argue, Brendon popped up, Ryan beside him.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked, catching sight of Alex. “I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.”
“No, I’m just not supposed to do anything strenuous,” Alex explained, picking at his bottle label and looking down at his stomach.
“Well, you’re not supposed to be at work,” Brendon told him, giving him a slight push and pointing an accusing finger at Cash. “You, take him home and don’t let him leave until it’s time to go to the hospital.”
Cash made a face but Brendon didn’t look as if he was joking, so Cash slid off his stool resignedly.
“And you,” Brendon said to Alex while Ryan peered around to watch - Alex could practically see the story formulating in his head. Writers were strange people. “Relax and don’t stress yourself out. I don’t want to see you back here until you’ve got a baby in your arms and your figure back.”
“That could be months,” Alex protested and Brendon grinned.
“Exactly. Get out of here, both of you.”
Rolling his eyes, Cash pulled on his jacket and helped Alex into his. As they left, Brendon sunk back onto his stool and grinned at Ryan, who took a sip of his beer.
“We should totally have a kid,” he said and Ryan made a noise. “Right now.”
As Ryan choked on his drink, Brendon grinned and winked at Jon down the counter.
*
Alex was going crazy. He couldn’t go to work, and he was still pregnant. It was December eleventh, for god’s sake! Four days past his due date. He tried not to hyperventilate on a regular basis since he was sure that would be bad for the baby. Instead, he forced himself not to think about it, although his regular calls to Dr. Beckett did help calm his nerves slightly.
Cash wasn’t much help, but he was there, which made Alex feel better. He didn’t like how empty the apartment seemed now that Marshall was gone. He contented himself by thinking that soon he’d never be alone, not with the new baby.
He tried to fill his time searching for the perfect baby name. It seemed impossible and he wasn’t sure they would ever find the right one.
“Cash,” he said one day, sighing and stretching out on the couch. There was pizza still sitting in a box on the coffee table and Cash was flopped beside him. “I’m tired and bored, and god, I just want this to happen. Why is she so late?”
Cash glanced over slowly. “I don’t know. Maybe she inherited my sense of time management.”
Alex wasn’t impressed as he tried to push himself up, but it wasn’t working so well. “What if something’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Cash said tiredly, reaching out to stop Alex from getting up all the way. He rolled over, hand on Alex’s stomach. “She’s just taking her time, like you should be.”
“Since when do you care?” Alex asked lightly, and Cash smiled slightly.
“Since I got my best friend knocked up and some sense knocked into me.”
“Yeah, right,” Alex muttered, but Cash leaned in and kissed him softly, and he couldn’t help smiling when it broke. “You’ll never be sensible.”
“No, but maybe the kid will be,” Cash replied, leaning down to Alex’s stomach. “You hear that, kid? You gotta be the smart one to take care of me in my old age.”
“Stop it,” Alex said affectionately, and Cash pulled back slowly.
“Just saying.”
“Well, don’t just say,” he repeated.
“Okay,” Cash agreed after a second, kissing him again. “But I still expect to be treated like a king around here.”
Alex laughed and didn’t reply, glancing at the calendar again and hating the days that had already passed.
*
Cash was half-covered in pink paint when the first text came. The shrill ring of his phone was barely audible over the paint sprayer and he could feel it vibrating in his pocket. He ignored it. He was only halfway done with the little sports car and stopping in the middle of a paintjob was a very bad idea.
The five subsequent texts were a little harder to ignore, and by the fifth one, Cash had to jerk off one of his gloves and shove his hand into his pocket, pulling out the still-vibrating phone.
where r u???? its happening! Cash plz come plz!!
“Fuck,” Cash cursed, dropping the paint sprayer and pulling off the paint clothes. He didn’t even bother turning it off as he scrambled out of the room, tripping as he tried to pull off the plastic coat.
“Where’s the fire?” Johnson asked as he dashed across the room, grabbing his coat from the office.
“Alex,” he was all he said as he wrenched open the door and left Johnson staring after him.
Cash was pretty sure he ran at least two red lights in the time it took to get to the hospital. He didn’t fucking care, though.
It was snowing when he arrived, a light dusting of white covering everything, gathering on his windshield the moment he turned off the car and kicked open the door.
The hospital was bright and cheery, and Cash nearly had a collision with a wheelchair as he searched for the front desk.
“Alex… DeLeon,” he said as soon as he got there, interrupting the nurse going through paperwork. “Where is he?”
The woman looked up, too cheerful for Cash’s mood. “Are you the father?”
“Yes, fuck, where is he?!” he demanded and the woman actually frowned at his language and looked down at her list pointedly.
“Delivery room three. If you’d like to go in, a nurse can assist you.”
“Yes,” Cash said quickly. “Get me a nurse to ‘assist’.” It might have come out a little sarcastically but he didn’t fucking care. He was late, and Alex was going to kill him if he didn’t get in there. Alex may have been a pushover about a lot of things, but he’d never forgive Cash if he didn’t show up for this.
After leaving the annoyed nurse, Cash was given a mask and showed to room three where he pushed open the door carefully.
“Oh, shit,” he said as he caught sight of way too much blood, and the nurses looked back at him sharply, ready to throw him out, but Alex lifted his head from where he was staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about what was happening down there, especially when the scalpel came out and he hoped for more drugs.
“Cash?” he asked hopefully, and Cash avoided looking at the mess - he hoped nothing was wrong.
“Nobody warned me about that part,” Cash muttered, heading for Alex’s head instead.
“What?” Alex asked worriedly. He had to admit, he was a little doped up on drugs, but he could still feel it and it still hurt.
“Nothing,” Cash lied, taking his hand when Alex bit his lip.
“Thank God you’re here,” he breathed. “I thought you weren’t gonna come.”
“Of course I was gonna come,” Cash said, though his heart was beating a mile a minute as he watched the doctor lean in.
“I see a head!” the doctor said and Alex squeezed Cash’s hand.
“I don’t like this part,” Alex whimpered and Cash nodded.
“Yeah. It does kind of suck. How many drugs are you on?”
“A lot,” Alex admitted and Cash looked around.
“Can I get some of those?”
The nurses frowned and ignored him. Alex made a noise of pain.
“It hurts.”
Cash sighed, letting Alex squeeze his hand tightly. “It’s almost over.”
Alex nodded. “I wanna see.”
“No, you don’t,” Cash assured him and Alex nodded again.
“Okay,” he agreed, lying back and gritting his teeth again. “Okay.”
“You’ll be fine,” Cash told him, although he had no idea what he was saying. The doctor, however, smiled up at them.
“You’ll be fine,” he repeated in a much more reassuring voice and Alex squeezed Cash’s hand again.
*
“You did that, huh?” Johnson asked, staring in through the glass at the row of babies. Cash thought he looked out of place standing there, but then Cash still had flecks of pink in his hair.
“Yep,” Cash said, staring in at the baby wrapped in a pink blanket, third from the left in the first row. She was asleep, eyes closed and mouth open slightly. She had a tiny tuft of dark hair on her head and Cash hoped her hair did turn out like Alex’s, no matter how much Alex hated it.
“Nice work,” Johnson commented and Cash scoffed.
“I’d like to see you do better.”
Johnson shrugged. “I’m gonna get coffee.”
He left Cash standing there and Cash paused as he watched the little baby shift inside her blanket. The name on the card read Deleon-Colligan, no first name. They still hadn’t quite figured that out.
“Maybe you’re not such a screw-up,” came a voice from beside him, and Cash glanced over to find Ian standing there, arms crossed and gazing in at the baby.
“Thanks,” Cash muttered sarcastically. “You come over here just to tell me that?”
“Of course not,” Ian replied. “I came to see the baby, and Marshall’s visiting DeLeon. Try not to let him get any ideas. Moving in is one thing but a baby is another.”
“Yeah, it is,” Cash replied, sighing at the baby. “We still don’t even have a name.”
“I’m sure it’ll come,” Ian said, sidling up and looking in. “She’s got your nose.”
Cash paused, but Ian was watching the baby and he didn’t say anything else as they stood there.
She did have his nose.
*
She was crying, crying, and Cash didn’t know what to do. Two days and he was already a horrible father. Alex was exhausted, he knew, so he’d offered to do baby duty while he rested, but the baby was crying and it was loud.
“Shh, shh, come on,” Cash whispered, lifting her out of the crib and feeling slightly awkward as he held her. He was not made to hold babies. “Come on. DeLeon, I mean, Alex, is sleeping. You don’t want to wake him up, do you?”
“Apparently she does.”
Alex stood in the doorway, looking tired, but he smiled when Cash turned to him.
“Shit.”
“Hey,” Alex protested at his language and Cash rolled his eyes.
“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” he told him, but Alex ignored him, coming over and leaning against him tiredly, gazing down at the crying baby in his arms.
There was silence except her cries for a moment and Cash tried to calm her unsuccessfully.
“Marion,” Alex finally said, and Cash arched an eyebrow.
“What?”
“Marion,” Alex repeated. “We should name her Marion.”
“That’s not a song,” Cash said as Alex took the baby from his arms and slid down into the rocking arm chair.
“No,” Alex agreed softly, gazing down at the baby.
Cash paused, watching Alex rock the chair gently, and listening as the baby slowly quieted. “Marion,” he repeated finally. “Like a certain movie you might own?”
“Like a poised, gracious woman,” Alex replied, and Cash came over, crouching down and running a soft thumb over the baby’s cheek. She was falling asleep now, tiny fingers curling around Alex’s thumb.
“I like it,” Cash said finally and Alex smiled at him.
The baby - Marion - was asleep now and Alex kept rocking.
It wasn’t so bad, this whole having a baby with Cash thing, he thought as Cash leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t his perfect white-picket vision. There was some dirt on the fence, but he could get used to this. Cash wasn’t a complete asshole all the time. Maybe he was getting better.
“So when the baby sleeps, we can fuck, right?” Cash asked after a few moments of quiet and Alex rolled his eyes.
Then again, maybe not, but that was okay.
*
FIN.
Extras:
A Fanmix by ahomegirlslife
Art by la_dissonance
*
It was a girl. Cash didn’t know anything about girls, well, except one thing which he was sure would be unhelpful with a child. He didn’t know anything about Alex either, for that matter.
Alex’s words kept revolving around his head, echoing over and over until he wanted to kill himself just to get them out.
Maybe I want you to be involved.
It couldn’t possibly mean what Cash thought it meant, though, right? Alex just meant that he wanted Cash to care. He always wanted Cash to care, always wanted Cash to notice him. But that didn’t mean anything.
They’d been friends for too long for it to mean anything but that.
As Cash sat on his old couch, drinking beer and watching cartoons in the middle of the day, he thought back on the past few months.
He hadn’t been avoiding Alex at first, not really. Sure, the sex had been awkward, but no worse than the time after prom with Lauren Miller. She’d cried. It had not been Cash’s finest moment, but it wasn’t any worse than sex with Alex except that Alex was his best friend and hadn’t cried so much as pretended he was someone else.
And it would have been fine too, maybe, if it hadn’t happened the second time, when Alex was desperate for it. Cash could still see every change in his expression, feel every press of his fingers, and no matter how many times he told himself he wasn’t gay, he couldn’t get the feel of Alex beneath him out of his mind. It was stuck there like a movie on repeat, playing over and over.
He didn’t like Alex like that, he told himself. Okay, so the sex had been a lot better the second time, but that hardly meant anything. Alex was his best friend, whom he’d known forever. He knew all of Alex’s secrets and Alex knew all of his. And he didn’t like him like that.
Except for the part where he maybe did.
Groaning, he buried his head in his hands as the television played some stupid cartoon. This was perfectly the wrong time for all of this to happen. Alex was fucking five and a half months pregnant. In less than four months, there would be a baby crying in his arms. Cash could already see his face - bright like the fucking sun as he held his baby. Alex would be ecstatic and Cash would be… nowhere to be found.
Cash knew for a fact - an unquestionable, irrefutable fact - that he would be the world’s worst father, and Alex should have known that, so where did he get off telling Cash he wanted him involved? What made him think it was a good idea? Cash was most likely to drop the baby, to heat the milk too hot, to put on the diaper too tight. He was not a good candidate for a father, and everyone knew it.
Maybe Johnson had been right, he thought, lifting his face from his hands. He should never have offered. The can was open; the worms were everywhere.
Cash had no answers to his problems, although one did tug at the back of his mind as he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, staring in at the line of beers there.
Only four more months, he thought as he stood there, and then the rest of his life. Fuck.
He knew what he had to do, but he just didn’t want to admit it.
*
Alex decided he didn’t want Cash to care. Well, that was a lie, but it was better than wondering if he was ever going to talk to Cash again because the thought made his insides crumble and he felt kind of like crying, which he totally blamed on the hormones.
Instead, he threw himself into the baby.
Marshall hadn’t wasted any time moving in with Ian, which meant that Alex had the apartment completely to himself. It was rather lonely without anyone else around, but it also gave him the opportunity to start work on the nursery.
He’d cleaned Marshall’s old room from head to toe and spent hours just sitting on the floor and staring at the empty walls. He tried picturing him sitting in there, maybe in a cool rocking chair or something, holding his baby and singing her to sleep.
He was thinking green or maybe yellow for the walls. He didn’t care that he knew it was a girl. When his kid got to be sixteen, she wouldn’t want pink walls. With his luck, she’d want to paint them black.
He’d bought a crib already but putting it together was another story.
He had it all laid out in pieces, the instructions spread out before him, screws in bags and pieces of wood waiting for something to happen. It was a little daunting as he looked around, wondering exactly where to start. He’d never been very good at putting things together. That was more of Cash’s area of expertise.
As he stared down at the pieces, he heard the front door open. He assumed it was Marshall, coming back for something he’d forgotten. He didn’t expect to hear Cash’s voice coming down the hallway.
“So this guy came into the shop today and he had this old, like, 60s Volkswagen van and he wants us to paint it in successive rainbow colors and restore the whole thing.” Cash was down the hallway now and Alex didn’t understand what was going on. “Why you are in Marshall’s room, and where is all his shit?”
Alex didn’t answer his question, staring at Cash, who just perched in the doorway, cool as anything, like none of the past few months had even happened.
“Marshall moved out; why are you here?” Alex said in one big rush.
“Where’d he go?” Cash asked, and Alex wasn’t answering that. Cash couldn’t just show up and act like nothing was wrong.
“Cash, what are you doing?”
Cash paused, leaning against the doorframe and eyes grazing over the scattered pieces of the crib.
“You know, DeLeon, sometimes I’m not as stupid as you think,” he said finally and Alex frowned. “I know why you want me involved.”
“You do?” Alex asked, slightly confused.
“Yeah,” Cash replied, giving him a look when Alex just looked confused. “It’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?”
Alex frowned. “I just think it’d be nice if you cared a little.”
“That’s it?” Cash asked, frowning now. How thick was he? Even Cash had figured it out by now, although he’d be damned if he was telling Alex that when he apparently didn’t know.
“What?” Alex asked when Cash stared at him. He fidgeted a little, tugging his shirt down over the very obvious bump. Biting his lip, he didn’t know what to say. He just wanted Cash to be interested. He didn’t have to be there all the time, just sometimes. “I miss you… You’re never around anymore. Is it because you’re afraid I’ll make you do stuff? ‘Cause I won’t, Cash, I can handle things. I want to do this. I just hate when you avoid me.”
Cash wanted to grab Alex and shake him, the idiot, but he didn’t, because he was pregnant, and that wouldn’t help anything. Alex was giving him that pitiful look, and Cash just sighed. This whole thing had been a horrible idea.
“Okay,” he said finally. “I’m here now. I’m not avoiding you. I… want to be here.” He wasn’t sure he should have said that, but Alex’s expression was brightening, and it made his stomach clench a little, and yeah, this was such a bad idea.
“Really?” Alex asked hopefully, and Cash shrugged vaguely after a second.
Cash sucked in a breath. Alex had at least stopped chewing his lip, and since when did he care so much about Alex’s mouth? Since he’d realized he was maybe, possibly in love with his pregnant best friend. Right.
Shaking himself, he looked away from Alex’s smile and to the scattered pieces of parts on the floor.
“How did you mess this shit up so bad?” he just muttered as he sunk down and Alex beamed behind him.
*
“Hey, Cash, where’ve you been?” Greta asked as she went behind the counter and Cash tapped his half-empty bottle of beer. “You didn’t find another place for free beer, did you?”
“Nah,” Cash replied, taking a sip. “Just been hanging out other places.”
Greta nodded slowly, glancing over to where Alex was talking with Brendon near the piano. “I don’t suppose this has anything to do with a certain pregnant friend?”
“No,” he muttered back, and she raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” she let on, grabbing him a new beer. “But if you’re not careful, someone’s secret is going to get slipped.”
Cash looked up as she left and Brendon slid up next to him at the bar. Cash didn’t think he could handle another lecture about Alex.
“Alex seems happy,” he commented as he sat there and Cash sunk in his seat a little.
“He’s usually happy,” he replied, and Brendon smiled a little.
“Have you told him yet?”
“Told him what?” Cash frowned, glancing over, and Brendon just smirked.
“I know you’ve got pretty much the rest of your life,” Brendon said, “but you’ve only got three more months until it’s not just the two of you anymore.”
“It’s not the two of us now,” Cash replied, a little too hard, pushing himself up and glancing back at Alex quickly. Alex was smiling at Greta, hands resting on his stomach, and he was practically glowing. Cash tried to ignore the coil in his stomach as he looked away. His gaze fell instead on Jon down the bar.
He wasn’t working, but instead grinning at Spencer, and Cash was more than a little confused when Spencer leaned over the counter to kiss Jon.
“When did they start fucking?” he asked Brendon, jerking his thumb down the counter.
Brendon peered down, still smirking. “Around about the time you started ignoring Alex’s texts.”
Alex shared too much with his boss, Cash decided, scowling.
“You should tell Alex,” Brendon said knowledgeably. “Sometimes he can be a little…”
“Stupid?” Cash asked, and Brendon laughed.
“Look who’s talking.”
Cash would have argued but Brendon was sliding away, shouting at Jon to get back to work, and for Spencer to distract the bartender on his own time.
Cash turned as Brendon left, not meaning to when his eyes fell on Alex again, and Alex gave him that same bright smile, waving a little. Cash didn’t wave back, turning back to the bar.
Why did his best friend have to be Alex DeLeon? And why did Cash have to like him? Why? It just wasn’t fair.
*
Alex liked having Cash back, even if he was still acting a little weird. At least he was there acting weird instead of somewhere else.
Things were finally starting to come together, and Alex couldn’t help but be overly excited. The nursery was mostly put together, although a lot of that was thanks to Cash and Ian, who’d really done most of the work. Alex and Marshall had put on Mulan and waited until it was done.
Alex had decided to go with a light turquoise color, more on the green side than blue. He might have gone overboard with the buying stuff, but he didn’t want to be unprepared, so if he had one too many car seats or a gadget he didn’t know what to do with, it was no big deal. He wanted his daughter to have the best.
The best, it turned out, included Disney movies, which was exactly why Saturday found Alex and Cash sitting on the couch, watching every Disney movie he owned, which happened to be a lot. Alex had talked Cash into it, offering to buy him a new string for his bass.
“You know the baby will be growing eyelashes soon?” Alex asked as they sat there watching Cinderella.
Cash glanced up from where he was slumped against Alex, thinking it should probably be the other way around, but Alex didn’t seem to mind, slipped down on the couch with his feet on the coffee table and his hands resting on his stomach.
He didn’t say anything in response. It still freaked him out a little when he thought that it was his kid, no matter how much he said he wasn’t involved.
“I’m kinda worried, though,” Alex said after a minute and Cash yawned. He was bored of Disney movies already. He kept his eyes on the screen, though, because if he looked at Alex, he’d find himself too close to Alex’s mouth, and that was just a bad idea.
“Why?” he mumbled instead, sighing and shifting up a little.
“Well, it’s been almost six and a half months, and I’ve felt it, like, move and stuff, but she still hasn’t - oh shit!”
“What?” Cash asked, confused, and felt as Alex went still.
“Oh,” Alex breathed, hands pressing against his stomach. “She kicked!”
Cash guessed that it was a good thing when Alex’s eyes lit up and he grinned.
“Come on, you gotta feel!” he said, grabbing Cash’s hand and pulling it onto his stomach before Cash could even protest.
“I don’t feel anything,” Cash said, trying to tug his hand away, but Alex’s fingers were wrapped around his wrist and he didn’t let him go.
“Just wait a second,” he breathed, like being quiet would help or something.
Cash waited impatiently, the sounds of singing mice reaching his ears, and he was about to try another escape when he felt it; a tiny pressure against the palm of his hand.
“That’s so cool,” Alex said, and Cash could hear the awed smile in his voice.
Eyes flicking up, he met Alex’s eyes, Alex’s smile, watching the way he bit his lip, and Cash couldn’t help himself.
He was pushing up before he could stop himself, not even giving Alex time to falter before his mouth was pressed against his.
Alex froze slightly when Cash’s tongue flicked out over his lip, and he fumbled for a second before jerking back.
“Cash?” he asked, and Cash’s eyes widened slightly as he realized.
“I-fuck,” he said, moving back quickly, and Alex’s grip on his wrist slackened and he pulled away. “Uhm.”
“Cash, what-” Alex tried to say, but Cash was already standing.
“I have to go,” he said quickly. “To… work. Yeah. I’ll see you later.”
He left before Alex could do much more than stutter his name, and as he waited by the elevator, he hit his head repeatedly with his hand.
“You are such a fuck-up, Cash,” he muttered to himself as the elevator dinged and he hurried inside, pressing the door-close button over and over until the doors finally slid shut.
*
Cash was in deep shit. He had kissed Alex, which was wrong in itself, but Alex hadn’t kissed him back. Alex had stared at him like he’d grown another head. Shit.
“Ow!” Johnson banged his head on the hood of the car and came up, staring at Cash, a wrench still in his hand. “You what?”
Cash rolled his eyes and huffed, opening the side door to the van and peering inside.
“I kissed him, and I’m not gay, okay? I just… like DeLeon.”
“Kissing a guy is totally gay,” Johnson told him. “Especially if it’s your best friend.”
“It’s not my fault,” Cash argued, picking at the old upholstery and the peace sign hanging in the front window. “He looked all happy and shit. What am I supposed to do?”
“Be his straight best friend who whores himself out to every girl he sees?” Johnson drawled, and maybe Johnson wasn’t the best person to ask for advice. He should have asked Frank.
“Dude, I’m screwed,” Cash said decidedly.
“Yeah,” Johnson agreed after a second. “And what are you going to tell DeLeon?”
“That I was high?” Cash guessed. He had no idea what Alex was thinking, especially since he’d been avoiding him the last few days… again. He was going to be the worst father ever.
His phone was filled with text messages from Alex, increasingly worried the longer he didn’t reply. The last one had been a hysterical guess about what had happened, and really, Alex needed to stop watching daytime soaps.
“I don’t think he’ll believe you,” Johnson said honestly, and Cash knew he was right.
“Then I’ll claim momentary insanity. He’ll believe that.” Cash shook his head. “I know, though, I know that he feels it too. Why else would he have asked me to be involved? Why else would he smile at me like that?”
Johnson was staring at him, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Dude, you sound like a girl.”
“Fuck you,” Cash snapped, punching him in the arm, and Johnson glared. “I’m just trying to figure this out.”
“It would be a hell of a lot easier if you’d just ask him,” Johnson pointed out, stepping out of Cash’s arm-punching range.
Cash scoffed. “Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, right,” Johnson repeated seriously. “Now gimme the screwdriver and shut up before Frank comes out and gives you the Miracle of Life speech.”
Cash rolled his eyes, but handed over the screwdriver anyway. Talking never solved anything.
*
Alex was freaking out. Cash had kissed him. And it hadn’t been just a kiss; it had been a kiss. Cash’s eyes had even been closed for those two seconds before Alex had pulled away. He’d seen it, and it scared him.
It scared him because it was Cash, and he tried not to think about Cash like that. Cash had been his best friend for a long time, and Alex had seen just about everything when it came to him. The only thing he hadn’t seen was Cash caring about someone else enough for it to matter.
Cash could be a self-centered jerk sometimes, and it didn’t really bother Alex so much, and it wasn’t really a surprise, then, that Cash didn’t have serious relationships or bother with names half the time.
But Cash had kissed him, on his own volition, without some sort of prior agreement, and Alex hadn’t been expecting it.
Cash hadn’t answered any of his texts either, which was more than a little annoying. He just wanted to know why.
Alex usually tried not to think about what might have happened if he hadn’t broken it. He could have let it go on, let Cash push him back against the couch and climb over him, the bump in the way. It would have been nice to feel someone again, especially if it was Cash.
Alex had never admitted it to anyone, or even really himself, but he’d always had something of a crush on Cash, ever since freshman year when Cash had turned his grin on Alex once and he’d felt a tingle in his stomach. Of course, he’d hated Cash for it at first, but hate had turned to grudging dislike to gradual acceptance of Cash in his life. Thirteen years later, he was pregnant with Cash’s kid and Cash was kissing him randomly on his couch.
Alex hadn’t told anyone about Cash’s actions yet. He was hoping that somehow, Cash would come back and explain it. He knew it was a stupid hope, but he still waited.
He spent the time reading out loud to his stomach. He’d read somewhere that it was good for the baby and would help it recognize his voice. The stack of children’s books on the coffee table was dwindling and he was due for another trip to the library soon. He was trying to find the ones he liked the best before the baby came so he’d know which to buy later.
He was halfway through Bill Peet’s The Little Bighorn when the front door opened without so much as a knock and Cash came in.
Struggling to push himself up, Alex opened his mouth but Cash was already talking.
“Okay, DeLeon,” he said, shutting the door behind him and coming over to the couch where Alex was sitting, the book perched over his stomach and staring up. “There is an explanation. I was momentarily insane, and it was an accident and… I didn’t mean to do it.”
Cash stopped, wondering if Alex bought it. From the look on his face, he didn’t.
Sighing, Cash’s fingers itched for a cigarette. “Alright, there, it didn’t happen. Now we can go back to being normal.”
Alex still stared, confused, and Cash groaned.
“Fuck, Alex, what do you want me to say?”
Alex paused for a second before struggling up. It was a lot harder now with the extra weight, and the book dropped to the ground with a flump.
“You called me ‘Alex’,” he said finally and Cash was confused.
“So?” He didn’t see what this had to do with anything. Alex wasn’t going with his ‘let’s pretend this didn’t happen’ plan very well.
“So you never call me Alex,” he said, steadying himself on the couch for a second.
“So?” Cash didn’t get it. “There’s too many. It gets confusing.”
“You did a couple times, though,” Alex continued quietly, and he didn’t know why he was saying this now. It wasn’t going to change anything. Obviously Cash wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. “When we…”
“We…?” Cash fished when Alex hesitated, biting his lip, and Cash really wished that he wouldn’t. This was not going the way he’d planned, and if he wasn’t careful, that disconnect between his brain and his body would kick in again.
“Had sex,” Alex finished finally, and oh.
“Oh,” Cash said, watching the way Alex twisted his hands and licked his dry lips.
Alex ducked his head for a second, curls falling into his face as he paused. He shouldn’t be saying it, but he wanted to get it out before he realized what he was doing and stopped.
“Cash,” he said after a second and Cash didn’t move, watching him carefully. “I think that I…”
Cash had to stop him, but he couldn’t think of any way other than being a complete asshole or…
Alex gave a surprised jerk as Cash pulled him forward, mouth landing on his, slightly off-center. His stomach was in the way as Cash pressed in, hands sliding up to his neck, one curling into his hair as his tongue flicked out.
It was unexpected again, and there was still no explanation. Cash was straight, Alex was pretty sure. Then again, they had had sex twice and he was here kissing him right now.
“Stop thinking so much,” Cash muttered against his lips, teeth sinking into his bottom lip and yeah, okay, Alex could do that.
Cash’s mouth was amazing, Alex thought as Cash kissed him, deeper and wetter than before, tongue flicking into his mouth until he was panting for breath.
“Cash,” he panted as Cash pulled away for just a second, biting at Alex’s jaw. “Do you think-”
“Shut up,” Cash breathed, thumb grazing across Alex’s lower lip. “Talking never solved anything.”
Alex’s response was a lost muffle as Cash kissed him again. They could figure out the rest later.
*
“Wait, he what?” Marshall stared at Alex, and Alex edged closer, lowering his voice so that no one else would hear.
Ian’s apartment was decorated with too many green balloons, several of which had Disney princesses stuck on them. The food was nearly gone, and the pile of gifts was stacked semi-neatly on a table in the corner.
The guests were lounging around arguing over which names were best, but Alex had cornered Marshall to talk to him about Cash.
“He kissed me,” he whispered, hands resting over his stomach and he felt the baby kick at his pelvis. It kind of hurt. “Can you believe it?”
Marshall stared for another second before laughing. “He kissed you,” he repeated again, and Alex nodded.
He still couldn’t believe it himself, but it had happened; Cash had kissed him again, had brushed back his hair and pulled him closer. He could still feel the butterflies flapping when he thought back on it.
“He likes me,” he murmured softly and Marshall rolled his eyes fondly.
“Of course he does,” he said, shaking his head. “You two are just the stupidest people I’ve ever met.”
Alex frowned at that, but Marshall pulled him over to the couch with everyone else, and he decided to let it go. Cash liked him, after all these years of Alex’s petty jealousy of Cash’s girlfriends, of Cash’s unfriendly commentary about everyone Alex ever went out with. Finally, things were working out in a good way.
“Hey,” Ian called from where he sat in the armchair, a bunch of little pieces of paper scattered over his lap. “How do you feel about the name Eleanor?”
Alex sat down on the couch with some difficulty, and Brendon shoved Spencer over to make room. He paused for a second and then smiled down at his stomach.
“Died alone.”
*
Cash was sick of Disney movies already, and when Alex tried to put on another one, he absolutely refused.
“No!” he said, grabbing the DVD out of his hand and backing up out of Alex’s reach. It wasn’t as though Alex could really come after him anyway, what with him lumbering around like a whale. “We are not watching any more Disney crap.” Alex looked scandalized. “I want some action or something.”
“Cash,” Alex tried to whine, but Cash wasn’t giving in this time. It had been weeks of nothing but Disney and he was sick of it.
“We’re watching Fast and the Furious,” he said firmly, shoving the Disney movie deep in the cupboard and pulling out the right movie.
Alex just sighed, too tired to argue. He’d been getting more and more tired lately, and he blamed the baby pushing at his pelvis like it was trying to stretch it apart.
It wasn’t so bad, though, when Cash pressed the DVD in and came back, flopping down on the couch next to him. He let Alex lean into him as the movie started, snuggling into his side and thankfully falling silent.
It didn’t last long, though, as he felt Alex shift against him. He tried to ignore it. Alex was always fidgeting these days from the baby. No position was comfortable for him.
Alex tried to watch the movie, but something was nagging at him, and he knew he was going to have to say something eventually, whether or not Cash just wanted to ignore the whole thing.
“Are we ever gonna talk about it?” he asked finally, looking up to where Cash sighed, eyes on the TV.
“What?”
Alex pushed himself up slightly, watching Cash more intently now. Cash didn’t meet his eyes. “You kissed me… twice.”
“What do you want to talk about?” Cash asked evasively, and Alex bit his lip.
“You like me, don’t you,” he said, watching Cash carefully, and Cash paused. “You like me and I’m gonna have a baby in, like, two months.”
“You’re gonna have my baby,” Cash corrected him, and his stomach fluttered nervously when Alex’s eyes brightened at his words. He hesitated. “I think I can kiss you if I want.”
“So you want to,” Alex continued slowly, turning Cash’s head with his fingers on his chin, touch light.
Cash paused then sighed. “DeLeon,” he said, pulling Alex’s wrist away. “You fucking talk too much.”
“I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with you-”
Cash pulled him forward, cutting off the end of his sentence and sighing slowly. “Yes, okay, I want to.”
Alex’s eyes flicked up before Cash was leaning in. He tried to press closer into the kiss, for the first time hating that his stomach was so big since it prevented any real intimacy.
“So,” Alex breathed quietly when the kiss broke slowly. “I want to too.”
Cash huffed out a laugh, breath hot on Alex’s lips. “Yeah, I figured that out.”
“Jerk,” Alex muttered affectionately, leaning in to kiss him again, smiling when Cash reached for his hips and pulled him closer.
Cash’s hand was twined in his hair, and Alex sighed against his mouth, hand sliding down his neck as Cash shifted more towards him. Alex could hear his heart pounding harder now, and he could hardly believe this was happening. Sure, it had happened before, but it had always been because of some prior arrangement, not Cash pushing up into him, mouth sliding over his.
He almost hesitated as he moved his hand down, pulling out of the kiss even as Cash let out a long breath.
“Is this okay?” Alex asked carefully, hand resting lightly on Cash’s stomach, and Cash nodded.
“Yeah, fuck, Alex,” he breathed, pulling his mouth back and groaning as Alex’s fingers fumbled with the zipper.
It was still a little strange, Alex thought, as he pushed his hand under the waist of Cash’s jeans and wrapped around him, hot and hard. But Cash was pushing up encouragingly, fingers tightening in his hair as he broke the kiss with a curse.
“Hurry up,” Cash gasped, pushing into Alex’s hand. He wanted to get off, hadn’t for weeks with anyone’s help. He could feel Alex’s hesitation, always there lingering in the background. He ignored it, though, growling as Alex’s hand tightened and he sped up.
Alex watched this time, watched as Cash came undone, eyes falling shut as he stroked harder. He watched Cash mouth curses, groaning when he finally came, wet and sticky on Alex’s hand. Alex paused before wiping his hand on Cash’s jeans as Cash looked down.
“Fucker,” he muttered and Alex paused, but then Cash was tugging him closer again, kissing his chin softly. “We’re having a baby,” he said quietly, and Alex smiled.
“Yeah.”
Cash was silent for a second and then, “What the fuck were we thinking?”
Alex just smiled and settled in to watch the movie.
*
October dissolved into November almost too fast, and Alex found himself lifting up the calendar just one month now to stare at the date circled there. He couldn’t believe it had happened so quickly. He was sure that he was completely, almost one hundred percent ready. He had everything prepared, and Brendon had already told him he didn’t expect to see him at work until at least three months after the baby was born.
The situation with Cash had improved a thousand times, although there were still moments when Alex could sense something was wrong. Cash didn’t say anything, though, just acted like everything was fine. He still went to work, still barged in unannounced, and now that Alex was living alone, he seemed to do it more often than normal.
“Gotta make sure you’re not dead,” Cash only said when Alex asked. It was close enough to affection for Alex, who knew Cash didn’t really show that side to anyone.
A few weeks away from his due date found Alex sitting up in bed - Dr. Beckett had told him he needed to rest, stay off his feet more now, so he sat in bed, surrounded by baby name books. Cash was lying next to him, picking at his bass, bored, as Alex went through the books.
“What about Iris?” Alex asked and Cash glanced up, putting his bass aside and pulling the book from Alex’s hand.
“I don’t know why you’re looking through fucking books. Names should have meaning.”
“And what does ‘Cash’ mean?” Alex asked pointedly.
“That I’m going to be fucking money,” Cash replied obviously. “And besides, Iris is a fucking sad song.”
“What do you suggest, then?” Alex asked, annoyed.
“How about Stacy?” Cash asked and Alex scoffed.
“We’re not naming our kid so the song makes you sound hot.”
“You’re the mom,” Cash pointed out. “It’d be about you.”
Alex paused slightly, but Cash was flipping through the book now. He sighed. “Name’s are hard.”
Cash didn’t agree or disagree, just tossed the book away and slid down, hands behind his head. Alex took a second before joining him. He lay on his side since it was uncomfortable to lay any other way.
“Only a couple weeks,” he murmured quietly. “And then we’ll have a baby. Can you believe it?”
Cash didn’t reply, staring up at the ceiling.
“She’ll be so tiny. And I know she’ll be perfect. Maybe she’ll have your nose, or your hair. I kinda hope she gets your hair and not mine. Do you think she’ll want to learn music? What if she likes sports?” He made a face, hand resting on Cash’s chest lightly. “I guess we’ll just put her in soccer or something. Maybe she’ll be a famous basketball player. Or maybe she’ll be a doctor. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
Cash still didn’t say anything, and Alex glanced up.
“Just imagine when she’s sixteen and starts dating. That’s gonna be… well, a nightmare, but it’ll be so cool, don’t you think? Cash?”
Cash sighed, rolling over a little, away from Alex.
Alex paused. “You know, Thanksgiving is soon. I think I might go home for a couple days. My mom’s been trying to get me to visit pretty much since I told her.”
Cash made a noise in response and Alex watched him carefully.
“You could come,” he offered quietly. “We could bring the sonogram pictures, tell her about the baby and everything. Cash?”
Cash sighed harshly. He really didn’t want to talk about the baby, didn’t really want to think about the future and what Alex’s mom would have to say.
“What?” Alex asked, concerned, and Cash’s eyes landed on his bass sitting by the bed.
“Your mom doesn’t like me,” he reminded Alex. “She never did. And do you actually think the baby will make it to age sixteen?” he asked finally, a sharp edge to his voice that made Alex pause.
“Sure, why wouldn’t she?” he asked, confused. “And my mom likes you… sort of.”
“Well, with me around,” Cash replied, staring at the neck of the bass. It had a blue and black fretboard that looked kind of like teeth clawing their way down.
Alex frowned slightly, reaching for Cash’s shoulder. “What are you talking about?”
Cash’s stomach was coiling and uncoiling angrily, partially at Alex’s words, that he just didn’t get it, partially at his concern.
“You know who I am, right?” Cash asked, rolling over and meeting Alex’s eyes. Alex was still frowning.
“You’re Cash?”
“I’m Cash Colligan,” Cash said, pushing himself up. “I spent almost my entire high school career high behind the art room. I almost didn’t graduate. I slept with half the cheerleading squad and jumped off the cafeteria roof on a bet - and I broke my leg. I exploded half of the chem. lab. You don’t remember that?”
“The lab was just an accident,” Alex started to say but Cash scoffed.
“Give it up, Alex, and just admit it. You remember. So with all of that shit, how am I supposed to be a good father? You said it yourself - I can’t even find my socks in the morning, so how the fuck am I supposed to match pink socks for a baby? I’ll drop her off the changing table and leave her in hot cars in the summer. I’m incapable of taking care of anyone else.”
“That’s not true,” Alex said, struggling up as Cash scoffed, wishing he had a cigarette, but he had been trying to cut back for the baby. “Cash, it’s gonna be fine.”
“You say that now,” Cash said, thinking back on the last few months. He’d already fucked up a lot about this, and Alex was just here with the blind faith, like always. “But when the kid is a slut, we’ll know who to blame, huh?”
“Cash,” Alex said as Cash rolled off the bed, pulling on his jacket. “Wait.”
“If our kid is a doctor, it’ll be because she got your brains, not mine,” Cash only said, leaving out the door and Alex struggled to follow him. It was much harder now, and he sort of rolled off the side, grabbing into the table to push himself up.
By the time he even made it into the living room, Cash was at the front door, halfway through it.
“Cash, wait a second,” he called, and Cash paused, glancing back. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” Cash muttered, eyes falling to Alex’s very pregnant stomach. “Somewhere I’m not going to screw anything up.”
Alex couldn’t stop him as he left, and he watched as the door shut behind him.
He’d known Cash was nervous, acting a little strange, but he hadn’t thought this was the reason. Cash had always been completely confident whether or not he messed things up. He had a natural charisma that made people like him despite all his flaws. Maybe he didn’t know that.
As Alex stood there staring at the closed door, he sighed. He wanted chocolate.
*
“Where’s Cash?” Greta asked she wiped off the bar. Jon was on his break, although Alex suspected that he wasn’t so much taking a break as making out with Spencer on the couch in the back office. He reminded himself not to sit there anymore.
Alex shrugged, picking at the label on his water bottle and wishing it were mountain dew. He heard Greta’s sigh and glanced up.
“Not another fight?” she asked. “What did he do this time?”
“Who?” Cassadee asked as she returned to the bar with her tray.
“Cash,” Alex muttered, “and he didn’t do anything. Really.”
Cassadee laughed, and Alex barely contained his glare. He still didn’t like that she’d gone out with Cash.
“He doesn’t do much of anything, does he?”
“What do you mean?” Alex asked, frowning, and Cassadee pushed her dark hair out of her eyes, shrugging.
“We went to this restaurant and all he did was talk about cars. It was so boring.”
Alex frowned. “I thought you and he…”
“What?” Cassadee asked with a look. Alex shrugged awkwardly and she made a face. “Ew, no. Cars aren’t my thing, Alex. Especially not the backseats.”
Alex fell silent as she breezed away, and only looked up when Greta cleared her throat.
“Are you afraid he’s still sleeping around?”
“No,” Alex muttered. “I’m just… He’s worried that he’ll be a bad parent and I don’t know how to tell him he won’t be.”
“You can’t tell him,” Greta counseled sagely. “He’ll figure it out for himself.”
“Not if he keeps running away, or he just doesn’t believe it.”
Greta paused for a second. “There’s hope for everyone.” She paused, watching Spencer and Jon come out from the back, Spencer straightening his clothes and a stupid grin on Jon’s face. “Trust me.”
Alex hoped she was right.
*
Seven days.
It sounded like a bad horror movie, but Cash couldn’t help thinking it as he frowned at the calendar hanging up in the shop. The picture across the top was a snowy scene, a sparkly Christmas tree lit up in the middle, and Cash really needed to suggest a more manly calendar for the next year.
“Excited yet?” A hand clapped him hard on the shoulder and Cash didn’t admit to jumping as he looked back at Frank. Frank was grinning at him, a jaunty Santa’s hat on his head, and Cash didn’t say anything about the fact that Christmas was still weeks away.
“Christmas?” he asked, moving away from Frank, and Frank shook his head, still grinning.
“No, dude. It’s almost the big day, isn’t it? How’s DeLeon doing? I bet he looks like a twig carrying a cocoon. He hasn’t freaked out yet, has he? I probably would by now.”
“No, he’s fine,” Cash muttered, thinking it was him that was the screw-up, yet again.
“You being the good buddy and sticking around, right?” Frank asked when Cash avoided his eyes. “I mean, if he went into labor early…”
“He’d freak out and I’d get a million texts in the span of two minutes,” Cash finished obviously, heading over to the car he was supposed to be painting cherry red.
“You know, I could give you paternity leave,” Frank said after a minute and Cash’s eyebrows furrowed. “Call it a Christmas gift.”
“Christmas is weeks away,” Cash muttered, and Frank shrugged.
Christmas was, in fact, twenty-five days away, and Cash had barely survived the last holiday. He hadn’t seen Alex for a while - Alex had apparently given in to his mother’s wishes and gone home, although it meant a lot of driving, probably too much for someone in his condition. Cash had stayed home, pretending he didn’t feel guilty, eating leftover pizza and watching football.
He knew Alex was trying to give him space, which was a nice change, but he also knew that Alex was dying to tell him he wasn’t a screw up and that he could do this. It didn’t matter, though. Cash knew what he knew, and everybody else did too.
“Think about it,” Frank told him seriously, plucking off his Santa hat and perching it on Cash’s head. “You might change your mind.”
Cash doubted it but waited until Frank had left to pull off the hat and toss it in a faraway corner.
*
The holidays were always a hassle, but Alex found it seemed to be worse this year. After Thanksgiving passed and December officially began, he found himself waiting anxiously.
Everything was ready, except one thing.
Alex hadn’t gotten Cash to talk to him about anything more than name suggestions, and even then, they still hadn’t come up with anything they both liked. At least Cash hadn’t run away completely, though, Alex thought as they sat on the couch, the TV on the news, but neither of them was really watching. Alex’s eyes kept flickering to the calendar. The date was creeping closer and closer and he couldn’t help but feel anxious.
“Cash,” he said as they sat there and Cash fiddled with a loose string on his sleeve. He made a noise in response. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
Slowly, Cash looked up. “Yeah, you are.”
“No,” Alex replied, turning towards him. “What if something goes wrong? I mean, it’s a baby.”
“That you wanted,” Cash reminded him, and Alex nodded, biting his lip nervously.
“I know. I just don’t… I’m just nervous.”
“You’re gonna be fine,” Cash said, sliding an arm over his shoulders and tugging him closer. The closeness still felt a little weird, but he liked when Alex sighed and curled into him.
“I’m glad you’re here anyway,” Alex muttered, and Cash’s stomach did that annoying clench as he brushed Alex’s hair away from his neck lightly.
“Where else would I be?” he muttered back and Alex shifted, looking up slightly and hesitating.
“Well, not with Cassadee,” he replied, and Cash frowned.
“What are you talking about?”
“You lied to me,” Alex said without moving, and Cash didn’t reply. “You said she and you did stuff.”
“Just fucking say what you mean,” Cash huffed, and Alex’s fingers curled into his shirt.
“You lied about Cassadee. You knew I was jealous.”
“You’re always jealous,” Cash replied. “’Cause I get more than you.”
Rolling his eyes, Alex sighed. “Well, I was jealous, and I think you wanted me to be.”
“That’s stupid,” Cash said, hand paused on the back of Alex’s neck.
“No, it’s not,” Alex continued. “You wanted me to.”
Cash sighed. “Does this have a point?”
The news wasn’t interesting, and Alex paused, feeling the rhythmic thud of Cash’s heart against his palm. It almost matched the shifting of the baby in his stomach. He almost couldn’t believe he was so close.
“Not really,” he admitted, hearing Cash’s annoyed sigh. “Just that neither of us are perfect, and we’ll always do stupid things, and it’s okay. I still like you.”
Cash paused and then let out a slow breath, fingers resuming their light brushing against his neck.
“Yeah,” he muttered. “I guess I like you too.”
Alex smiled, hidden from Cash. “Can we change the channel? I hate news.”
Cash already had the remote in hand.
*
Alex was late, no, not to work. He was late and not the girl kind of late either. It was far too late for that.
“Maybe I should call Dr. Beckett again,” Alex said, hand already pulling out his phone, but Cash snatched it away despite Alex’s glare.
“You already called him twice,” Cash said, tucking the phone away and taking a sip of his beer. Greta was playing something slow and jazzy at the piano, and Jon was spending most of his time at the other end of the bar talking to Spencer. Alex just didn’t have to time to worry about Jon doing his job when he had bigger fish to fry, like getting his phone back. “It’s only been a day, relax.”
“Easy for you to say,” Alex grumbled. “You don’t have a seven pound baby crushing your liver and making you need the bathroom every five seconds. What if something’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Cash scoffed, still not giving back the phone as Alex eyed him warily. “Dr. Beckett said it was perfectly normal to be late on the first kid.”
“You two having another kid?” Jon asked as he finally came over from Spencer to fix a drink for someone else. “Seems a little early, doesn’t it? I thought it should be out by now.”
“Needs a little more time in the oven,” Cash replied and Alex scowled.
“It’s not a cake. It’s a kid.”
“Well, it’s obviously not ready yet,” Cash said. “Can’t I say I blame it.”
Alex rolled his eyes but before he could argue, Brendon popped up, Ryan beside him.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked, catching sight of Alex. “I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.”
“No, I’m just not supposed to do anything strenuous,” Alex explained, picking at his bottle label and looking down at his stomach.
“Well, you’re not supposed to be at work,” Brendon told him, giving him a slight push and pointing an accusing finger at Cash. “You, take him home and don’t let him leave until it’s time to go to the hospital.”
Cash made a face but Brendon didn’t look as if he was joking, so Cash slid off his stool resignedly.
“And you,” Brendon said to Alex while Ryan peered around to watch - Alex could practically see the story formulating in his head. Writers were strange people. “Relax and don’t stress yourself out. I don’t want to see you back here until you’ve got a baby in your arms and your figure back.”
“That could be months,” Alex protested and Brendon grinned.
“Exactly. Get out of here, both of you.”
Rolling his eyes, Cash pulled on his jacket and helped Alex into his. As they left, Brendon sunk back onto his stool and grinned at Ryan, who took a sip of his beer.
“We should totally have a kid,” he said and Ryan made a noise. “Right now.”
As Ryan choked on his drink, Brendon grinned and winked at Jon down the counter.
*
Alex was going crazy. He couldn’t go to work, and he was still pregnant. It was December eleventh, for god’s sake! Four days past his due date. He tried not to hyperventilate on a regular basis since he was sure that would be bad for the baby. Instead, he forced himself not to think about it, although his regular calls to Dr. Beckett did help calm his nerves slightly.
Cash wasn’t much help, but he was there, which made Alex feel better. He didn’t like how empty the apartment seemed now that Marshall was gone. He contented himself by thinking that soon he’d never be alone, not with the new baby.
He tried to fill his time searching for the perfect baby name. It seemed impossible and he wasn’t sure they would ever find the right one.
“Cash,” he said one day, sighing and stretching out on the couch. There was pizza still sitting in a box on the coffee table and Cash was flopped beside him. “I’m tired and bored, and god, I just want this to happen. Why is she so late?”
Cash glanced over slowly. “I don’t know. Maybe she inherited my sense of time management.”
Alex wasn’t impressed as he tried to push himself up, but it wasn’t working so well. “What if something’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Cash said tiredly, reaching out to stop Alex from getting up all the way. He rolled over, hand on Alex’s stomach. “She’s just taking her time, like you should be.”
“Since when do you care?” Alex asked lightly, and Cash smiled slightly.
“Since I got my best friend knocked up and some sense knocked into me.”
“Yeah, right,” Alex muttered, but Cash leaned in and kissed him softly, and he couldn’t help smiling when it broke. “You’ll never be sensible.”
“No, but maybe the kid will be,” Cash replied, leaning down to Alex’s stomach. “You hear that, kid? You gotta be the smart one to take care of me in my old age.”
“Stop it,” Alex said affectionately, and Cash pulled back slowly.
“Just saying.”
“Well, don’t just say,” he repeated.
“Okay,” Cash agreed after a second, kissing him again. “But I still expect to be treated like a king around here.”
Alex laughed and didn’t reply, glancing at the calendar again and hating the days that had already passed.
*
Cash was half-covered in pink paint when the first text came. The shrill ring of his phone was barely audible over the paint sprayer and he could feel it vibrating in his pocket. He ignored it. He was only halfway done with the little sports car and stopping in the middle of a paintjob was a very bad idea.
The five subsequent texts were a little harder to ignore, and by the fifth one, Cash had to jerk off one of his gloves and shove his hand into his pocket, pulling out the still-vibrating phone.
where r u???? its happening! Cash plz come plz!!
“Fuck,” Cash cursed, dropping the paint sprayer and pulling off the paint clothes. He didn’t even bother turning it off as he scrambled out of the room, tripping as he tried to pull off the plastic coat.
“Where’s the fire?” Johnson asked as he dashed across the room, grabbing his coat from the office.
“Alex,” he was all he said as he wrenched open the door and left Johnson staring after him.
Cash was pretty sure he ran at least two red lights in the time it took to get to the hospital. He didn’t fucking care, though.
It was snowing when he arrived, a light dusting of white covering everything, gathering on his windshield the moment he turned off the car and kicked open the door.
The hospital was bright and cheery, and Cash nearly had a collision with a wheelchair as he searched for the front desk.
“Alex… DeLeon,” he said as soon as he got there, interrupting the nurse going through paperwork. “Where is he?”
The woman looked up, too cheerful for Cash’s mood. “Are you the father?”
“Yes, fuck, where is he?!” he demanded and the woman actually frowned at his language and looked down at her list pointedly.
“Delivery room three. If you’d like to go in, a nurse can assist you.”
“Yes,” Cash said quickly. “Get me a nurse to ‘assist’.” It might have come out a little sarcastically but he didn’t fucking care. He was late, and Alex was going to kill him if he didn’t get in there. Alex may have been a pushover about a lot of things, but he’d never forgive Cash if he didn’t show up for this.
After leaving the annoyed nurse, Cash was given a mask and showed to room three where he pushed open the door carefully.
“Oh, shit,” he said as he caught sight of way too much blood, and the nurses looked back at him sharply, ready to throw him out, but Alex lifted his head from where he was staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about what was happening down there, especially when the scalpel came out and he hoped for more drugs.
“Cash?” he asked hopefully, and Cash avoided looking at the mess - he hoped nothing was wrong.
“Nobody warned me about that part,” Cash muttered, heading for Alex’s head instead.
“What?” Alex asked worriedly. He had to admit, he was a little doped up on drugs, but he could still feel it and it still hurt.
“Nothing,” Cash lied, taking his hand when Alex bit his lip.
“Thank God you’re here,” he breathed. “I thought you weren’t gonna come.”
“Of course I was gonna come,” Cash said, though his heart was beating a mile a minute as he watched the doctor lean in.
“I see a head!” the doctor said and Alex squeezed Cash’s hand.
“I don’t like this part,” Alex whimpered and Cash nodded.
“Yeah. It does kind of suck. How many drugs are you on?”
“A lot,” Alex admitted and Cash looked around.
“Can I get some of those?”
The nurses frowned and ignored him. Alex made a noise of pain.
“It hurts.”
Cash sighed, letting Alex squeeze his hand tightly. “It’s almost over.”
Alex nodded. “I wanna see.”
“No, you don’t,” Cash assured him and Alex nodded again.
“Okay,” he agreed, lying back and gritting his teeth again. “Okay.”
“You’ll be fine,” Cash told him, although he had no idea what he was saying. The doctor, however, smiled up at them.
“You’ll be fine,” he repeated in a much more reassuring voice and Alex squeezed Cash’s hand again.
*
“You did that, huh?” Johnson asked, staring in through the glass at the row of babies. Cash thought he looked out of place standing there, but then Cash still had flecks of pink in his hair.
“Yep,” Cash said, staring in at the baby wrapped in a pink blanket, third from the left in the first row. She was asleep, eyes closed and mouth open slightly. She had a tiny tuft of dark hair on her head and Cash hoped her hair did turn out like Alex’s, no matter how much Alex hated it.
“Nice work,” Johnson commented and Cash scoffed.
“I’d like to see you do better.”
Johnson shrugged. “I’m gonna get coffee.”
He left Cash standing there and Cash paused as he watched the little baby shift inside her blanket. The name on the card read Deleon-Colligan, no first name. They still hadn’t quite figured that out.
“Maybe you’re not such a screw-up,” came a voice from beside him, and Cash glanced over to find Ian standing there, arms crossed and gazing in at the baby.
“Thanks,” Cash muttered sarcastically. “You come over here just to tell me that?”
“Of course not,” Ian replied. “I came to see the baby, and Marshall’s visiting DeLeon. Try not to let him get any ideas. Moving in is one thing but a baby is another.”
“Yeah, it is,” Cash replied, sighing at the baby. “We still don’t even have a name.”
“I’m sure it’ll come,” Ian said, sidling up and looking in. “She’s got your nose.”
Cash paused, but Ian was watching the baby and he didn’t say anything else as they stood there.
She did have his nose.
*
She was crying, crying, and Cash didn’t know what to do. Two days and he was already a horrible father. Alex was exhausted, he knew, so he’d offered to do baby duty while he rested, but the baby was crying and it was loud.
“Shh, shh, come on,” Cash whispered, lifting her out of the crib and feeling slightly awkward as he held her. He was not made to hold babies. “Come on. DeLeon, I mean, Alex, is sleeping. You don’t want to wake him up, do you?”
“Apparently she does.”
Alex stood in the doorway, looking tired, but he smiled when Cash turned to him.
“Shit.”
“Hey,” Alex protested at his language and Cash rolled his eyes.
“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” he told him, but Alex ignored him, coming over and leaning against him tiredly, gazing down at the crying baby in his arms.
There was silence except her cries for a moment and Cash tried to calm her unsuccessfully.
“Marion,” Alex finally said, and Cash arched an eyebrow.
“What?”
“Marion,” Alex repeated. “We should name her Marion.”
“That’s not a song,” Cash said as Alex took the baby from his arms and slid down into the rocking arm chair.
“No,” Alex agreed softly, gazing down at the baby.
Cash paused, watching Alex rock the chair gently, and listening as the baby slowly quieted. “Marion,” he repeated finally. “Like a certain movie you might own?”
“Like a poised, gracious woman,” Alex replied, and Cash came over, crouching down and running a soft thumb over the baby’s cheek. She was falling asleep now, tiny fingers curling around Alex’s thumb.
“I like it,” Cash said finally and Alex smiled at him.
The baby - Marion - was asleep now and Alex kept rocking.
It wasn’t so bad, this whole having a baby with Cash thing, he thought as Cash leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t his perfect white-picket vision. There was some dirt on the fence, but he could get used to this. Cash wasn’t a complete asshole all the time. Maybe he was getting better.
“So when the baby sleeps, we can fuck, right?” Cash asked after a few moments of quiet and Alex rolled his eyes.
Then again, maybe not, but that was okay.
*
FIN.
Extras:
A Fanmix by ahomegirlslife
Art by la_dissonance