F Is For Frank [Frank/Gerard standalone R]
Part three of F is for Frank.
Reread part two.
*
Things improved after that and Frank didn’t feel as awkward coming into the playground. He would talk with Gerard about horror movies and all the things Frank couldn’t do now that he had Sofia. He hoped she would grow to love horror films so that he could eventually watch them with her in the same room.
The new apartment was a Godsend and Frank thanked Ray every day for suggesting it. He could actually walk from the door to the kitchen without tripping over a stray box now.
Sofia’s room had been decorated head to toe in blue. There was even a big blue octopus cut-out taped to the back of her door. Frank didn’t know where Victoria had found it, but she had and had given it to Frank as a secret present to Sofia.
Sofia was currently sitting behind Frank’s desk and working diligently on a red octopus to accompany Walter, the blue octopus that was still taped precariously to Frank’s filing cabinet.
Leaving her for a moment, Frank made his way over to the bar where Pete was encouraging a few girls to do body shots.
“You’d almost think he was straight,” Frank commented as he took the stool near Victoria.
She laughed as she poured a drink for a man nearby and slid it down. “You want some juice for Sofia or something?”
“Nah.” Frank shook his head, glancing back at the office where he could just see her head as she concentrated hard on her drawing.
“So what are you doing next week?” she asked, pulling her long hair back and tying it up loosely.
“What’s next week?” Frank asked, still watching Sofia.
Victoria stopped with her hand halfway up to her hair.
“Frank, it’s Thanksgiving.”
Frank blinked. “What?”
“Yeah,” Victoria said seriously. “Did you forget? Frank. It’s one of the major holidays.”
Frank groaned, burying his face in his hands. How could he have forgotten Thanksgiving? Usually he went over to Jamia’s and Jamia made the dinner while Frank watched the parade and made fun of the dancers.
“Shit,” he cursed, looking back at Sofia, who was happily coloring. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Make dinner,” Victoria prompted, handing William a tray of drinks as he came to the counter.
“Frank’s making dinner?” he asked as he balanced the tray. “Hope there’s a fire extinguisher nearby.”
Frank just glared as William breezed away. Victoria ignored him.
“It’s not that hard, Frank. They have instructions that come with the turkey.”
Frank stared. “For one, I’m a vegan. For another, I can’t even make mac and cheese, Vicky,” he said plainly. “What makes you think I could cook a turkey?”
“You learned how to braid, didn’t you?” She asked with a pointed look at Sofia, whose hair was in a slightly messy French braid. “And they have tofurkey.”
“I googled it,” Frank deadpanned but she just scoffed.
“So google turkeys.”
“What?” Gabe asked as he passed by on his way to the door and Frank groaned. “Frank, now I know you swing the other way, but I’m pretty sure that shit is illegal.”
“Go away, Gabe,” Victoria just said simply, shooting him a cool look.
“I’ll google you, Victoria,” he leered with a wink and she just glared back.
“Don’t think William would like that.”
“What William doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Gabe said but winced at a sharp poke to his side and turned to find William there, an eyebrow arched and the tray empty. “Bilvy!”
William just rolled his eyes and passed the tray to Victoria. “I need two Long Island Iced teas.”
“Comin’ up,” she replied with a smug smirk at Gabe, who just shrugged and turned away with William, whispering something in his ear that Frank didn’t care to hear.
Instead, he slid off the stool and headed back to the office where Sofia held up his drawing once he appeared in the doorway.
“Daddy, lookit!”
Frank came over to the desk to take in the - artistic was the operative word, but Frank chose to go with it - red octopus.
“It’s beautiful,” he just said when she put it back on the table and began writing her name in the corner. Frank was pretty sure she hadn’t been able to do that three months ago. Her F was backwards, but it looked pretty neat to Frank for a four year old. “What’s its name?”
“Ray,” she said decisively.
“Ray the red octopus,” Frank repeated slowly, grinning. “I like it. How about we put him up with Walter so they can chat when we’re not here?”
“Okay!” Sofia agreed readily, hopping off the chair and stretching for the tape on Frank’s desk. She got it stuck to her fingers but pried it off, going to the cabinet and waiting for Frank so he could stick it up next to Walter.
“A perfect pair,” he stated and Sofia grinned.
“Daddy,” she said, tugging on his pants’ leg and looking up at him. “What if Stuart dies?”
“What?” Frank turned to her, meeting her eyes that were big and round. “Why would you think that?” Frank had no idea how long octopi lived but he hoped it was a long time.
Sofia’s lip trembled and he quickly dropped to her level. “The man at the aquarium said they only live two years. And I’m four.”
He didn’t know where this was coming from but he could see the breakdown coming again.
“Well, Sof, when things die, well, depending on what you believe - actually, I don’t really know. I guess that’s Buddhist, right?”
She just stared at him and he bit his lip again, feeling stupid.
“Sometimes things just have to die,” he said finally. “It’s just how things work.”
“But I don’t want Stuart to die,” she said, burying her face in Frank’s shirt as he pulled her into a hug.
“I know,” he murmured. “Just try not to think about it, okay?”
Her nod was small against his shirt and he glanced up at the pictures of Ray and Walter watching over them.
*
Frank was getting more and more worried as Thursday approached and Thanksgiving loomed on the horizon. At school Sofia made turkeys out of her hands and came back with glitter all over her face. Frank secretly blamed Gerard that night when he was trying to wash it all off. She talked about Thanksgiving and how she wanted pumpkin pie. Frank desperately hoped they sold that at the store.
The Wednesday before the break found Frank leaning against his car, a cigarette in his hand as he watched the playground. The rain had taken a break for the hour and the sun peeked through the dark clouds, highlighting the puddles and the drips of rain that fell onto his jacket as he leaned against his car under the big Elm.
The other parents mostly ignored him now as he smoked, one hand securely in his pocket. It was getting colder and he knew it wouldn’t be long until it started snowing.
Flicking the cigarette away, he made his way towards the playground where the kids were running around and shrieking happily, tripping in the bark chips and laughing. Frank slid in the gate and ambled over to where Gerard was standing with one of the other teachers. Frank hadn’t met her, but he thought she taught the three year olds.
“Oh, hello, Frank,” Gerard greeted him as he came up. “This is Ms. Ivarrson. She teaches the threes.”
Frank nodded politely at the tall woman. She seemed to sense something between the two and looked out at the playground.
“Looks like Mackenzie took a spill,” she said and left them to comfort the crying girl near the slide.
Frank looked out too, searching for Sofia. He found her on the jungle gym, hanging upside down on the climbing structure. Her hair dangled down and Frank didn’t look forward to combing it out later.
“We did this activity today,” Gerard said after a minute and Frank glanced over, seeing a hint of purple glitter in his hair. He really wanted to know where it came from. “Where I asked the kids what they were thankful for.”
Frank paused, chewing on his lip ring again and looking out at Sofia.
Gerard shuffled closer just barely. “She said you.”
Frank looked up quickly. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Gerard smiled. “You must be doing something right.”
“Well, she’s still alive,” Frank joked. Although I doubt she will be after tomorrow, he added silently, thinking of the tofurkey in his fridge and the ten pages of instructions that he printed out from online.
“You should give yourself more credit,” Gerard said, nudging his shoulder and Frank felt his stomach jump.
“Uh, yeah,” he mumbled. "Well, we’ll see how much she likes me after tomorrow.”
Gerard raised an eyebrow, but Frank just shrugged it off, throwing him a smile, probably the first real smile he’d given in this place.
“We should get going. I have to get back to work. I guess I’ll see you on Monday.”
Gerard didn’t say anything when Frank called to Sofia and she ran to him, full of stories for the way home. Eyeing her curls unhappily, he just sighed and left Gerard with a smile, shunting her to the car as she skipped along and rambled about pilgrims and Indians.
*
Frank stared at the bag sitting on his counter. He had pages and pages of printed instructions on the counter next to it but he just bit his lip and eyed it uneasily.
The television in the living room was on and he could see the beginnings of the parade while Sofia sat on the couch, completely enthralled. He wasn’t sure if she really knew what was going on with the holiday, but she wasn’t crying so he counted it a success.
He’d called his mother earlier to beg for help but she’d never understood his vegan tendencies and just told him to look it up online. So an hour later, he was still staring at the wrapped tofurkey and wondering how badly he could possibly screw up this holiday.
Turning to the oven, he carefully turned it on to the specified 350 degrees and waited for it to explode. When it didn’t, he let out a sigh and turned back to his instructions. He had a wrestling match with the pans as he struggled to drag out the big roasting pan, falling on his ass and exclaiming loudly.
“Daddy, you said a bad word,” Sofia piped up from the couch and Frank grumbled, making a mark on a piece of paper held on the fridge with a butterfly magnet. When the list got to twenty, Frank had to throw away a pack of his cigarettes and wasn’t allowed to buy them back.
Pushing himself up, he turned back to the ball of tofurkey and glared. He was going to cook this thing if it was the last thing he did.
Reading the instructions carefully, taking in every word, Frank carefully unwrapped the ball of tofurkey. He felt for Jamia now when she’d had to make dinner every year.
Some group was dancing on the television and Frank had a momentary pang of longing as he remembered last year when he and Sofia had spread out and giggled through most of the parade and she’d tried to dance along. Now it was just Sofia watching, enraptured, while Frank struggled to make a real dinner.
He didn’t have high hopes for his tofurkey. The only bright side was that he couldn’t possibly burn the pumpkin pie because he’d bought one from the store. At least they’d have dessert.
So Frank shoved the tofurkey in the oven and prayed to the heavens that nothing went wrong.
Flopping down next to Sofia, he ran a hand through her curly hair and frowned at the tangles he felt. She just giggled and snuggled into him, though.
“Is Santa coming, daddy?” she asked, obviously remembering the end of the parade from the year before.
“At the end,” he replied, watching as Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera pretended to be cold in their inside studio.
Outside, the sky was grey and there was a steady stream of rain dripping off everything. He was glad to be warm and cozy in their new apartment.
They watched the rest of the parade and Frank checked the tofurkey periodically, hoping everything went all right. When the parade ended, Frank switched it over to the dog show and watched as Sofia’s eyes widened at all the different dogs on the screen. He made a mental note to think about getting a dog once things were all figured out.
He left her in the living room to take a quick shower before finishing the dinner. Standing under the hot water, he tried to relax. He tried not to think about Christmas, which was less than a month away. Was he supposed to play Santa? How did that even work? All he’d done before was show up on Christmas day with presents and sing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.
When he stepped out of the shower and dressed, he paused to look at himself in the mirror. He thought for a second that he looked older than he had a few months ago. His hair was getting longer and his eyes looked tired. Rubbing his hair with the towel, he sighed and turned away, only to hear a yell through the door.
“Daddy!”
Dropping the towel, Frank ran out to the living room. Sofia was standing in the living room, pointing at the kitchen.
“Daddy!” she said again, her eyes wide as she stared.
Frank turned around just as the smoke alarm went off, a horribly loud beeping sound filling the apartment.
“Fuck!” he cursed, dashing over to the oven and opening it only to let a puff of smoke fill the apartment. Closing it quickly, he turned off the oven and ran to the window, opening it and then returning to the smoke alarm, fanning it with one of the many internet instructions.
Sofia had her hands over her ears in the corner by the TV as Frank fanned frantically.
Finally, the alarm stopped and Frank let out a relieved sigh. Moving cautiously to the oven, he paused before opening it again. A burnt smell reached his nose and he cringed away from it. Pulling down the door completely, he grabbed a pot holder and dragged out the pan.
Sofia came over to investigate, looking at the ruined tofurkey curiously. Frank hauled it up onto the stove and sighed.
“Well," he said after a minute. “How do you feel about pie?”
Sofia just looked up at him and Frank knew this was definitely another one for the Worst Dad Ever column. He had a list tucked away in his bedroom, under his pillow.
Sighing to himself, he pushed the tofurkey away and leaned back against the counter.
“Daddy?” Sofia asked, tugging on his jeans. He looked down, forcing a smile on his face. “Are we going to a restaurant?”
Frank laughed slightly and patted her head. “Nah, we’ll just have microwave mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. How does that sound?”
“Yummy,” Sofia declared, hugging his knees.
Frank smiled sadly and gave her a little push. “Why don’t you go watch the dog show and I’ll get something ready, okay?”
Sofia nodded, releasing his legs and returning to the couch where the Toy group was on.
Turning back to the kitchen, Frank sighed. He couldn’t even cook a tofu turkey. Glancing back, he watched Sofia’s eyes widen at the Pug that waddled across the screen.
Moving to get rid of the turkey, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. The window was still open and Frank reminded himself to close it as he crossed to the door. Sofia was too engrossed by the television to notice the door. Frank figured it was one of the neighbors who must have heard the alarm.
He was shocked then when he opened the door and Gerard stood on his little porch, a ceramic platter in his hands.
“Mr. Way,” he said, shocked. “What are you doing here?”
Gerard shrugged slightly. “Well, I figured you guys were probably alone and there’s no sense being alone on a holiday.”
Frank just stared but Sofia noticed now and her squeal was loud as she rolled off the couch and launched herself at Gerard.
“Mr. Way!” she cried, hugging his knees tightly.
“Hey, Sofia,” Gerard greeted her with a smile. “How are you?”
“Daddy burned the turkey,” Sofia said matter-of-factly and Frank just wanted to disappear right then as the flush flared on his neck.
“That’s enough, Sof,” he said instead, guiding her away from Gerard. He looked up at Gerard, who was trying not to smile.
“Well, I guess you’re in luck then,” Gerard said, pulling the top off his dish and Frank stared at the golden-brown lump of tofurkey there. “Sofia mentioned you didn’t eat meat.”
Frank just stared. “Uh, yeah, I’m a vegan.”
Gerard nodded and paused as Frank just stared. “So can I come in?”
“Oh, yeah, of course,” Frank said, feeling like an idiot as he stepped back and let Gerard in. He closed the door behind him and moved to the window as well.
Gerard came in, looking around while Sofia talked a mile a minute.
“And daddy let me pick out everything in my room,” she was saying, dragging Gerard to her room and showing him.
“It looks great,” he replied as Sofia pointed out her clock with a blue octopus on it and the bedspread with an ocean theme.
When he finally managed to get her to show him the kitchen, he set his tofurkey down on the counter and smiled as he saw Frank’s ruined attempt.
Frank glanced over at it and just shrugged. “I can’t cook.”
Gerard just laughed. “Doesn’t look like that stopped you.”
Shaking his head, Frank smiled. “I’m kind of stubborn that way.” He paused, looking at Gerard, who was still smiling at him. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be with your family or something?”
Gerard shrugged, looking at whatever Sofia was trying to show him. He made an interested noise and handed it back. She hurried back into her room for something else.
“I usually spend it with my brother, but he and his wife went to my parent’s this year and I didn’t feel like tagging along.”
Frank wasn’t sure he believed him, but he had no room to complain when Gerard had brought over edible food.
“So you’re a vegan,” Gerard said after a minute. “But Sofia always has cheese and things.”
Frank gave a half-shrug, moving to the pantry and pulling down plates. “I don’t want to force her to be vegan or vegetarian. She can decide when she’s old enough.”
“That’s big of you,” Gerard commented and Frank laughed.
“It was Jamia’s idea, but I think it’s a good one.”
“Mr. Way.” Sofia appeared next to him, pulling on his jeans and he glanced down. Frank caught another sparkle of glitter as he did so.
“Yes, Sofia?” he asked, crouching down and giving her a smile.
“Did you bring a turkey?”
“Sort of,” Gerard allowed, meeting Frank’s eyes and smiling.
Frank smiled back and felt that annoying jump again. Pushing it away, he bit his lip and turned back to the cupboard, getting out cups.
“Are you going to eat with us?” Sofia’s eyes were big and it wasn’t as though Frank would have said no anyway.
“Yeah, he’s gonna stay,” Frank said and Gerard smiled again. “Is that okay, Sof?”
“Yeah!” she cried happily, hugging Gerard. “Daddy never has people over.”
Frank internally cursed but Gerard just smiled at Sofia.
“We should change that, then.”
Sofia just giggled and Frank turned to her. “Here, Sof, put the cups on the table.” He handed her three cups and watched her head towards their brand new dining table. He had figured that if he was going to get a new apartment, he might as well try a real dining room complete with table and chairs. Maybe that would help him not be such failure. He wasn’t sure how well it was working.
Gerard rose back up and smirked at Frank. Frank was surprised to see something other than the soft smile he used for all the children.
“You’re not a hermit, are you?”
Frank frowned slightly. “I just haven’t had a lot of time to have friends over since I got Sofia. She takes a lot of time.”
“You don’t have to sacrifice everything, you know,” was all Gerard said before he grabbed the plates and went to help Sofia set the table.
*
The dinner was actually decent, Frank thought, once they finished and Sofia was sprawled across the couch, sleepily watching Alice in Wonderland on TV. Frank and Gerard were on either side of her, talking quietly.
“You know, this is probably the most fucked-up Disney movie ever,” Frank commented as Alice ate the mushroom and shot up ten feet.
“Pretty sure some heavy drugs were involved,” Gerard agreed.
Frank laughed and looked over. Gerard was watching the movie, but met his eyes with a quiet smile. Glancing down, Frank saw that Sofia had fallen asleep completely.
“Must have been the turkey,” Gerard commented and Frank grinned.
“It wasn’t real turkey.”
“Tasted real enough.”
Frank paused. “Did you actually make that?”
Gerard hesitated and then gave a guilty smile. “Well, I know this cook. My friend, Lyn-Z. She made it for me.”
Frank’s eyes narrowed playfully. “I knew it.”
Gerard shrugged helplessly. “But I can make mac and cheese,” he defended.
“Maybe I should have you over more often,” Frank joked and then stopped, realizing what he’d just said. “Um,” he said into the silence. “I should put Sofia to bed.”
Carefully, he scooped Sofia up and left Gerard in the living room. In Sofia’s room, he tucked her in lightly and stood watching her for a few moments before gathering himself and going back out.
Shutting the door quietly behind him, he turned to find Gerard still on the couch, watching the movie.
“Wow,” he said when Frank sat back down. “Could there be any more drug allusions in this thing?”
“Probably,” Frank replied. “But then it wouldn’t be rated G.”
Gerard nodded understandingly. “Suppose not.”
Frank just nodded and settled back onto the couch, wondering how awkward it was going to get now that Sofia was gone.
He watched the movie for a while but didn’t comment when the Cheshire Cat appeared, and that had always been his favorite part.
“Mr. Way,” he said after a while and Gerard turned to him.
“Can you call me Gerard? It feels strange outside of school unless it’s one of my kids.”
“Okay,” Frank agreed slowly. “Gerard, why did you come over today?”
Gerard paused, looking thoughtful. “Frank,” he said finally. “You are probably the hardest working dad I’ve ever met. You’re working so hard to make sure that Sofia is happy and I know that maybe you feel like it isn’t working, but just the fact that you’re trying makes all the difference.”
Frank was slightly confused but didn’t say anything when Gerard paused.
“The thing is, sometimes too many people live for their kids. That’s how people get the Empty Nest Syndrome. They focus on their child entirely and when the kid leaves, they have nothing left. I don’t want you to be one of those people because you have a lot going for you if you’d just take the time to remember.”
Frank frowned but didn’t know what to say. Gerard shifted on the couch, turning fully towards him.
“I get that you’re trying to do what’s best for Sofia and I respect that. It’s admirable, but you can’t forget yourself in the process.”
“What are you trying to say?” Frank asked after a minute although he had a feeling. He didn’t deny that since he’d gotten Sofia, he had let his own life fall to the wayside. He didn’t go out with friends anymore or hang out in the bar in his off-time. He didn’t even have Ray or Bob over for a night of watching stupid comedies and getting drunk. It all felt irresponsible now.
“Frank,” Gerard said slowly, sitting up closer. “When you kissed me before, did you want to?”
Frank’s stomach was jumping all over the place and his heart was speeding up unnecessarily. His teeth immediately went for his lip ring, chewing on it nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied finally. “You’re my daughter’s preschool teacher and I’m her fucked-up father who’s just trying not to burn down the house.”
Gerard didn’t back off. “It does matter. If it’s what you want then it matters. You can’t lose yourself. I’ve seen too many people do it. They’re the ones who put their kids in ten clubs, who make sure there’s always an activity to do, whether it’s sports or arts. They never take time for themselves and they get lost.”
Frank stared at Gerard, seeing the sparkle of glitter in his hair again.
“How can I be good father to her if I don’t focus on her?” he asked finally. “She doesn’t have a mom now and I have to make up for that. I can barely make up for myself let alone Jamia.”
Gerard shook his head. “You know, the great thing about little kids is that they love you despite your faults.”
Frank paused, glancing at the door to Sofia’s bedroom. He knew Gerard had a point. Hell, he was probably completely right, but Frank couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that by letting himself enjoy himself, he would somehow be wronging Sofia.
Frank glanced back at Gerard, who was just waiting patiently, and Frank wondered if he was always like this. It must have come with working with kids for so long.
“Gerard,” he said slowly and Gerard licked his lips in response. “I shouldn’t.”
“But you want to,” Gerard said, his voice nearly a whisper.
Frank wanted to, yes. He wanted to. He wanted to kiss Gerard again without his daughter sleeping in the same room. He wanted to drag him back into his bedroom and lock the door, to test the sound-proofedness of the walls.
“Yes, I want to,” he admitted in a rush. “But I can’t.”
Gerard gave him a long look. “I don’t want you to lose yourself, Frank.”
Something snapped in Frank, and before he could stop himself, he was kissing Gerard.
It wasn’t dry and hesitant like the first time. Frank pressed forward, sliding his tongue against the seam of Gerard’s lips and wasn’t surprised when they opened for him. He felt the quick exhale of breath when Gerard opened his mouth and let Frank’s tongue slide inside.
Frank’s hands were on Gerard, one on his cheek and the other on his neck. He couldn’t believe how much he’d missed just kissing someone. His last boyfriend seemed like so long ago now.
Gerard tasted like coffee and pumpkin pie and he kissed Frank back, a hand grasping the side of his tee-shirt. Frank pressed closer, biting at Gerard’s lips and ignoring the slide of his lip ring against Gerard’s mouth. A muffled moan passed between the two and Frank couldn’t be sure whose it was. He just kissed Gerard hard, hoping he wasn’t going to regret this later.
“Frank,” Gerard mumbled against his mouth when Frank pulled away to pant for breath. He let Frank rest their foreheads together and pant against his mouth.
“Sorry,” Frank whispered. “Couldn’t help it.” He bit his lip again and was surprised when Gerard surged up, kissing him deeply.
He somehow ended up on his back on the couch with Gerard over him, a hand carding through his hair as they kissed.
“Mph,” Frank tried to say as he shifted under Gerard and looked up at him, feeling slightly dazed. “Gerard, we can’t do this.”
Gerard blinked, and Frank saw him swallow and let out a breath.
“Here,” Frank continued. “Sofia’s right there. If I’m going to feel bad for thinking of myself, I’m not going to feel worse for doing it on the couch right next to her room.”
Gerard stopped a second and then smiled when Frank wiggled out from under him. He let Frank stand up and followed him off the couch to a door on the opposite side.
“I’m going to be a gentleman and not guess that you had ulterior motives for choosing this apartment,” Gerard said, glancing at the distance between rooms.
“Well, when she’s a teenager, I’m certainly not going to want to hear what goes on in there,” Frank answered honestly but smiled as Gerard leaned into him and nipped at his neck. “And maybe there was an idea or two in my subconscious.”
He could feel Gerard’s smile against his neck as he reached for the door to his room and they tumbled backwards.
Frank had a fleeting flash of indecision as the door was shut and they were thrown into darkness. His mind flew to Sofia across the living room and what she would think about this, if she would even understand it. He wondered how Gerard would handle it at school.
“Don’t worry about me,” came Gerard’s voice through the darkness and Frank jumped.
“I wasn’t,” he replied although he was obviously lying. He’d never been good at it.
Leaving Gerard, he felt his way to the bed and found the lamp chain. Pulling it on, he looked back at Gerard, who was still by the door. He sighed and put on a smile, sitting down on the bed, one leg curled underneath him.
“It’s just, are you sure?” he asked earnestly. “What if something goes wrong? What if Sofia gets hurt?”
Frank was surprised that these questions came to mind when before they never would have entered his mind.
Gerard came over, sinking down next to him on the bed and placing a hand on his thigh. “I told you. I won’t let that happen.”
Frank felt stupid almost. He knew Gerard was a great guy. He worked with four year olds all day for fuck’s sake. Anyone who could endure that had to be golden.
“I guess I just worry too much,” he muttered and saw Gerard’s soft smile.
“Sofia’s lucky,” he just murmured, pressing a kiss to Frank’s jaw, and Frank sighed, closing his eyes as another kiss was pressed to the side of his mouth. “Some parents don’t worry at all and bad things happen.”
Frank only nodded slightly when Gerard reached his mouth, kissing him softly.
“My mom worried about me,” he muttered in between kisses, letting Gerard push him back on the bed. “And I turned out okay.”
“Better than okay,” Gerard mumbled against his lips and Frank grinned.
“Better than okay,” he echoed, dragging a hand under Gerard’s shirt and feeling how Gerard arched into his touch. “Hey, so will you explain the glitter?”
“Glitter?” Gerard didn’t look up from where he’d slid down to Frank’s neck and was busy leaving a very visible mark that Frank didn’t fancy explaining to the other parents. He’d just tell Sofia it was a vampire.
Frank fingered Gerard’s hair and came away with glitter on his fingers. Gerard glanced at it for a second before shrugging and kissing Frank again and the glitter was smeared across his cheeks from Frank’s hand on his face.
“I like glitter,” he just said when he pulled away. “If you came over to my apartment, you’d probably have it everywhere too.”
“One step at a time,” Frank joked and Gerard laughed.
“Okay, okay, your place first.”
Smiling, Frank ducked down for a kiss before letting his head fall back and his eyes close as Gerard slipped further down.
*
Frank woke to the sun shining in his eyes; he hadn’t shut the curtain the night before. Wincing, he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.
“Not a morning person, huh?” came a voice from beside him and Frank’s eyes shot open. It took him only a second to realize who it was but longer than that for his heart to calm down.
“Gerard,” he said, turning back over and flinching in the light. Gerard was sitting up and smiled at him. His hair was messier than normal, sleep-tousled, and Frank thought he looked quite cute.
“Morning,” he said and Frank smiled slowly.
“Morning. Why are you awake?”
“You know, someday, you’re going to have a teenage daughter who will want to go shopping much earlier than this on Black Friday.”
“Well, that’ll have to wait a few years,” Frank replied, snuggling against the pillow. “When she can drive herself.”
Gerard laughed but didn’t force Frank up.
“Hey, Frank,” he said after a minute and Frank gave a sleepy reply, his eyes still closed. “What’s this?”
Frank cracked open an eye but could only see a vague outline of a piece of paper. Sighing, he reached for it and pulled it down to his level.
Across the top, scribbled in his messy handwriting, the heading “Worst Dad Ever” glared at him and he groaned and pushed it away.
“Add burning the tofurkey to that,” he mumbled.
Gerard frowned. “You actually keep a list?”
“Yeah,” Frank replied. “To remind me how I suck at this dad thing. And maybe when Sofia’s old and fucked-up, we can go back to the list and figure out where it all went wrong.”
“You can’t be serious.” Gerard stared at him incredulously but Frank just shrugged, resolving himself to the fact that he was awake now. Pushing himself up, he rubbed his hair blearily and blinked at the list.
“’Course I am.”
Gerard stared. Frank gave him a questioning glance.
“What?”
“This is ridiculous, Frank,” Gerard said seriously and Frank shrugged.
“I think it’s useful. Maybe I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice.”
Gerard laughed for a second. “Frank, raising a kid isn’t about being perfect. It’s about learning and growing. If you burn a few meals, she’s not gonna hate you for it.”
“Maybe not, but she’ll remember it.”
Gerard rolled his eyes and took back the list. “She’ll remember that you tried your best and she’ll love you for it.”
“You seem awfully confident in her feelings,” Frank said, playfully accusing him. “Do you know something I don’t?”
“I know after working with kids for the past five years that they don’t judge like adults do and that they are pretty forgiving of human follies.”
Frank just sighed and sat up completely, stretching. “So what does that mean?”
“It means we are getting rid of your list,” Gerard said seriously, and Frank’s eyes widened.
“But you can’t!”
“I can.” Gerard lifted it and Frank watched, his mouth open and his eyes wide, as Gerard ripped it down the middle.
“But how will we be able to tell where it all went wrong?” he asked worriedly.
Gerard shook his head, tossing the pieces aside. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you try.”
Frank looked at the pieces on the floor and bit his lip again. Finally, he sighed and looked up at Gerard.
“Fine, you can destroy my list, but you can’t tell me I’m a good cook.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Gerard promised with a smile and Frank nodded, content.
“Good. Now, would you care to make it up to me?”
Gerard only grinned as he met Frank’s lips for a kiss and Frank only worried slightly what he was going to say to Sofia when she woke up.
*
“So are Ray and Walter happy together?” Ray asked, staring at his namesake on Frank’s filing cabinet.
Frank grinned as he bounced up from his desk. “They’re getting there. Turns out the whole color difference wasn’t a big deal.”
“I don’t know,” Gabe piped up from behind Ray and Ray swatted at him, but he ducked out of the way. “Blue and Red, two pretty opposite colors. But put them together and you get purple!”
“Go away,” Ray grumbled, shooing Gabe back to his job.
Frank just grinned, glancing at the picture of Sofia sitting on his desk.
“Purple is a pretty awesome color,” he agreed, patting Ray on the shoulder as he walked out. “Now, how about we get some good music in here? You’ve had crap bands for the past few months.”
Ray just stared as Frank waltzed out into the bar, grinning at nothing in particular, and finally feeling like life was looking up.
*
epilogue.
“Gerard!” Sofia ran out of her bedroom, clutching a piece of paper to her chest and looking up at Gerard nervously. She bit her lip and Gerard had to laugh. It was so like her father.
“Sofia, come help set the table,” Frank called.
Another tofurkey, perfectly brown thanks to Lyn-Z, sat on the counter and store-bought pumpkin pie joined it. Frank was busy putting out knives and forks. In the middle of the table sat a brown puff ball that Sofia insisted was a turkey she’d made at school.
“Yeah, Sof?” Gerard asked, leaning forward and ignoring the dog show on TV.
“I made this for you,” she said, almost nervously as she held out the paper. It was a drawing of three people, two men and a little girl in front of a white picket-fenced house. Bluebirds sat in the tree and the sun was shining brightly overhead.
“I love it,” Gerard told her honestly and her face lit up. She gave him a hug before running off to help Frank at the table.
Frank announced themselves ready and Gerard wandered over. Glancing around, he smiled.
“Nothing burned. I’m impressed, Iero.”
“Shut up,” Frank replied playfully, handing Sofia her napkin and taking his seat.
“Daddy,” Sofia said, turning to Frank. “Mr. Urie said, he said he’d take me to the aquarium next week.”
“Did he now?” Frank asked, sneaking a glance at Gerard, who shrugged.
“I can’t control Brendon. It’s not my fault he comes to your bar even though he’s not her teacher anymore.”
Frank paused, giving him a fake glare before he grinned and reached over to ruffle Sofia’s hair. She pushed his hand away quickly.
“Can I go, please?” she asked, her eyes big and her lip pouting.
“Well, I guess,” he said and Sofia’s face lit up. “As long as you promise to bring me back a picture of Stuart.”
“I promise!” she cried, hugging him tightly before settling back in her chair.
Frank just grinned and sat back in his chair as Gerard cut the tofurkey and passed Sofia a piece.
*
“The night is young,” Gerard murmured into Frank’s collar bone and Frank grinned.
“What did you have in mind?” Silence met his ears and he frowned. “Gee?”
He was surprised when Gerard pulled away, heading over to his bag on the floor. “I have something for you.”
“For me?”
“Well, it is technically our anniversary.”
Frank opened his mouth but Gerard just laughed.
“It’s nothing big, and don’t worry, I don’t want anything back.”
Frank frowned, but couldn’t complain. He waited impatiently then when Gerard dug something out of his bag and brought it over, crawling onto the bed with him.
It was wrapped in newspaper but Frank just gave him a curious look before tearing off the paper.
He pulled out a picture frame and turned it over, his mouth falling open as the light fell across the front.
“World’s Best Dad?” He read the heading on the top of the frame and his eyes skimmed down to his old, crumpled list, still with the tear down the middle, his cramped handwriting declaring his many faults down the page. “But why?”
Gerard smiled. “Because you cared enough to make a list.”
Frank stared at the frame and then smiled. “I thought you said it was ridiculous.”
“At the time, it was,” Gerard allowed. “But I think it shows something about you.”
“That I still can’t cook?”
Gerard shook his head but smiled. “That you were willing to try so hard just to make your daughter happy.”
“Yeah, good thing I don’t do that anymore,” Frank joked and Gerard gave his shoulder a light push.
“You’re a good father whether you like it or not.”
Frank paused, glancing at the list before setting it gently on the bedside table.
“I think I can handle that,” he said finally, smiling and pulling Gerard to his lips and kissing him softly.
“Good,” Gerard murmured when Frank pulled back. “I would have made you otherwise.”
Frank laughed and just pulled Gerard to him, tumbling back on the bed and smiling when Gerard landed on top of him.
“Thanks,” he whispered against his lips. “For not giving up.”
“I’m kind of stubborn that way,” Gerard just murmured back and Frank smiled into the kiss.
*
FIN.
Reread part two.
*
Things improved after that and Frank didn’t feel as awkward coming into the playground. He would talk with Gerard about horror movies and all the things Frank couldn’t do now that he had Sofia. He hoped she would grow to love horror films so that he could eventually watch them with her in the same room.
The new apartment was a Godsend and Frank thanked Ray every day for suggesting it. He could actually walk from the door to the kitchen without tripping over a stray box now.
Sofia’s room had been decorated head to toe in blue. There was even a big blue octopus cut-out taped to the back of her door. Frank didn’t know where Victoria had found it, but she had and had given it to Frank as a secret present to Sofia.
Sofia was currently sitting behind Frank’s desk and working diligently on a red octopus to accompany Walter, the blue octopus that was still taped precariously to Frank’s filing cabinet.
Leaving her for a moment, Frank made his way over to the bar where Pete was encouraging a few girls to do body shots.
“You’d almost think he was straight,” Frank commented as he took the stool near Victoria.
She laughed as she poured a drink for a man nearby and slid it down. “You want some juice for Sofia or something?”
“Nah.” Frank shook his head, glancing back at the office where he could just see her head as she concentrated hard on her drawing.
“So what are you doing next week?” she asked, pulling her long hair back and tying it up loosely.
“What’s next week?” Frank asked, still watching Sofia.
Victoria stopped with her hand halfway up to her hair.
“Frank, it’s Thanksgiving.”
Frank blinked. “What?”
“Yeah,” Victoria said seriously. “Did you forget? Frank. It’s one of the major holidays.”
Frank groaned, burying his face in his hands. How could he have forgotten Thanksgiving? Usually he went over to Jamia’s and Jamia made the dinner while Frank watched the parade and made fun of the dancers.
“Shit,” he cursed, looking back at Sofia, who was happily coloring. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Make dinner,” Victoria prompted, handing William a tray of drinks as he came to the counter.
“Frank’s making dinner?” he asked as he balanced the tray. “Hope there’s a fire extinguisher nearby.”
Frank just glared as William breezed away. Victoria ignored him.
“It’s not that hard, Frank. They have instructions that come with the turkey.”
Frank stared. “For one, I’m a vegan. For another, I can’t even make mac and cheese, Vicky,” he said plainly. “What makes you think I could cook a turkey?”
“You learned how to braid, didn’t you?” She asked with a pointed look at Sofia, whose hair was in a slightly messy French braid. “And they have tofurkey.”
“I googled it,” Frank deadpanned but she just scoffed.
“So google turkeys.”
“What?” Gabe asked as he passed by on his way to the door and Frank groaned. “Frank, now I know you swing the other way, but I’m pretty sure that shit is illegal.”
“Go away, Gabe,” Victoria just said simply, shooting him a cool look.
“I’ll google you, Victoria,” he leered with a wink and she just glared back.
“Don’t think William would like that.”
“What William doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Gabe said but winced at a sharp poke to his side and turned to find William there, an eyebrow arched and the tray empty. “Bilvy!”
William just rolled his eyes and passed the tray to Victoria. “I need two Long Island Iced teas.”
“Comin’ up,” she replied with a smug smirk at Gabe, who just shrugged and turned away with William, whispering something in his ear that Frank didn’t care to hear.
Instead, he slid off the stool and headed back to the office where Sofia held up his drawing once he appeared in the doorway.
“Daddy, lookit!”
Frank came over to the desk to take in the - artistic was the operative word, but Frank chose to go with it - red octopus.
“It’s beautiful,” he just said when she put it back on the table and began writing her name in the corner. Frank was pretty sure she hadn’t been able to do that three months ago. Her F was backwards, but it looked pretty neat to Frank for a four year old. “What’s its name?”
“Ray,” she said decisively.
“Ray the red octopus,” Frank repeated slowly, grinning. “I like it. How about we put him up with Walter so they can chat when we’re not here?”
“Okay!” Sofia agreed readily, hopping off the chair and stretching for the tape on Frank’s desk. She got it stuck to her fingers but pried it off, going to the cabinet and waiting for Frank so he could stick it up next to Walter.
“A perfect pair,” he stated and Sofia grinned.
“Daddy,” she said, tugging on his pants’ leg and looking up at him. “What if Stuart dies?”
“What?” Frank turned to her, meeting her eyes that were big and round. “Why would you think that?” Frank had no idea how long octopi lived but he hoped it was a long time.
Sofia’s lip trembled and he quickly dropped to her level. “The man at the aquarium said they only live two years. And I’m four.”
He didn’t know where this was coming from but he could see the breakdown coming again.
“Well, Sof, when things die, well, depending on what you believe - actually, I don’t really know. I guess that’s Buddhist, right?”
She just stared at him and he bit his lip again, feeling stupid.
“Sometimes things just have to die,” he said finally. “It’s just how things work.”
“But I don’t want Stuart to die,” she said, burying her face in Frank’s shirt as he pulled her into a hug.
“I know,” he murmured. “Just try not to think about it, okay?”
Her nod was small against his shirt and he glanced up at the pictures of Ray and Walter watching over them.
*
Frank was getting more and more worried as Thursday approached and Thanksgiving loomed on the horizon. At school Sofia made turkeys out of her hands and came back with glitter all over her face. Frank secretly blamed Gerard that night when he was trying to wash it all off. She talked about Thanksgiving and how she wanted pumpkin pie. Frank desperately hoped they sold that at the store.
The Wednesday before the break found Frank leaning against his car, a cigarette in his hand as he watched the playground. The rain had taken a break for the hour and the sun peeked through the dark clouds, highlighting the puddles and the drips of rain that fell onto his jacket as he leaned against his car under the big Elm.
The other parents mostly ignored him now as he smoked, one hand securely in his pocket. It was getting colder and he knew it wouldn’t be long until it started snowing.
Flicking the cigarette away, he made his way towards the playground where the kids were running around and shrieking happily, tripping in the bark chips and laughing. Frank slid in the gate and ambled over to where Gerard was standing with one of the other teachers. Frank hadn’t met her, but he thought she taught the three year olds.
“Oh, hello, Frank,” Gerard greeted him as he came up. “This is Ms. Ivarrson. She teaches the threes.”
Frank nodded politely at the tall woman. She seemed to sense something between the two and looked out at the playground.
“Looks like Mackenzie took a spill,” she said and left them to comfort the crying girl near the slide.
Frank looked out too, searching for Sofia. He found her on the jungle gym, hanging upside down on the climbing structure. Her hair dangled down and Frank didn’t look forward to combing it out later.
“We did this activity today,” Gerard said after a minute and Frank glanced over, seeing a hint of purple glitter in his hair. He really wanted to know where it came from. “Where I asked the kids what they were thankful for.”
Frank paused, chewing on his lip ring again and looking out at Sofia.
Gerard shuffled closer just barely. “She said you.”
Frank looked up quickly. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Gerard smiled. “You must be doing something right.”
“Well, she’s still alive,” Frank joked. Although I doubt she will be after tomorrow, he added silently, thinking of the tofurkey in his fridge and the ten pages of instructions that he printed out from online.
“You should give yourself more credit,” Gerard said, nudging his shoulder and Frank felt his stomach jump.
“Uh, yeah,” he mumbled. "Well, we’ll see how much she likes me after tomorrow.”
Gerard raised an eyebrow, but Frank just shrugged it off, throwing him a smile, probably the first real smile he’d given in this place.
“We should get going. I have to get back to work. I guess I’ll see you on Monday.”
Gerard didn’t say anything when Frank called to Sofia and she ran to him, full of stories for the way home. Eyeing her curls unhappily, he just sighed and left Gerard with a smile, shunting her to the car as she skipped along and rambled about pilgrims and Indians.
*
Frank stared at the bag sitting on his counter. He had pages and pages of printed instructions on the counter next to it but he just bit his lip and eyed it uneasily.
The television in the living room was on and he could see the beginnings of the parade while Sofia sat on the couch, completely enthralled. He wasn’t sure if she really knew what was going on with the holiday, but she wasn’t crying so he counted it a success.
He’d called his mother earlier to beg for help but she’d never understood his vegan tendencies and just told him to look it up online. So an hour later, he was still staring at the wrapped tofurkey and wondering how badly he could possibly screw up this holiday.
Turning to the oven, he carefully turned it on to the specified 350 degrees and waited for it to explode. When it didn’t, he let out a sigh and turned back to his instructions. He had a wrestling match with the pans as he struggled to drag out the big roasting pan, falling on his ass and exclaiming loudly.
“Daddy, you said a bad word,” Sofia piped up from the couch and Frank grumbled, making a mark on a piece of paper held on the fridge with a butterfly magnet. When the list got to twenty, Frank had to throw away a pack of his cigarettes and wasn’t allowed to buy them back.
Pushing himself up, he turned back to the ball of tofurkey and glared. He was going to cook this thing if it was the last thing he did.
Reading the instructions carefully, taking in every word, Frank carefully unwrapped the ball of tofurkey. He felt for Jamia now when she’d had to make dinner every year.
Some group was dancing on the television and Frank had a momentary pang of longing as he remembered last year when he and Sofia had spread out and giggled through most of the parade and she’d tried to dance along. Now it was just Sofia watching, enraptured, while Frank struggled to make a real dinner.
He didn’t have high hopes for his tofurkey. The only bright side was that he couldn’t possibly burn the pumpkin pie because he’d bought one from the store. At least they’d have dessert.
So Frank shoved the tofurkey in the oven and prayed to the heavens that nothing went wrong.
Flopping down next to Sofia, he ran a hand through her curly hair and frowned at the tangles he felt. She just giggled and snuggled into him, though.
“Is Santa coming, daddy?” she asked, obviously remembering the end of the parade from the year before.
“At the end,” he replied, watching as Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera pretended to be cold in their inside studio.
Outside, the sky was grey and there was a steady stream of rain dripping off everything. He was glad to be warm and cozy in their new apartment.
They watched the rest of the parade and Frank checked the tofurkey periodically, hoping everything went all right. When the parade ended, Frank switched it over to the dog show and watched as Sofia’s eyes widened at all the different dogs on the screen. He made a mental note to think about getting a dog once things were all figured out.
He left her in the living room to take a quick shower before finishing the dinner. Standing under the hot water, he tried to relax. He tried not to think about Christmas, which was less than a month away. Was he supposed to play Santa? How did that even work? All he’d done before was show up on Christmas day with presents and sing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.
When he stepped out of the shower and dressed, he paused to look at himself in the mirror. He thought for a second that he looked older than he had a few months ago. His hair was getting longer and his eyes looked tired. Rubbing his hair with the towel, he sighed and turned away, only to hear a yell through the door.
“Daddy!”
Dropping the towel, Frank ran out to the living room. Sofia was standing in the living room, pointing at the kitchen.
“Daddy!” she said again, her eyes wide as she stared.
Frank turned around just as the smoke alarm went off, a horribly loud beeping sound filling the apartment.
“Fuck!” he cursed, dashing over to the oven and opening it only to let a puff of smoke fill the apartment. Closing it quickly, he turned off the oven and ran to the window, opening it and then returning to the smoke alarm, fanning it with one of the many internet instructions.
Sofia had her hands over her ears in the corner by the TV as Frank fanned frantically.
Finally, the alarm stopped and Frank let out a relieved sigh. Moving cautiously to the oven, he paused before opening it again. A burnt smell reached his nose and he cringed away from it. Pulling down the door completely, he grabbed a pot holder and dragged out the pan.
Sofia came over to investigate, looking at the ruined tofurkey curiously. Frank hauled it up onto the stove and sighed.
“Well," he said after a minute. “How do you feel about pie?”
Sofia just looked up at him and Frank knew this was definitely another one for the Worst Dad Ever column. He had a list tucked away in his bedroom, under his pillow.
Sighing to himself, he pushed the tofurkey away and leaned back against the counter.
“Daddy?” Sofia asked, tugging on his jeans. He looked down, forcing a smile on his face. “Are we going to a restaurant?”
Frank laughed slightly and patted her head. “Nah, we’ll just have microwave mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. How does that sound?”
“Yummy,” Sofia declared, hugging his knees.
Frank smiled sadly and gave her a little push. “Why don’t you go watch the dog show and I’ll get something ready, okay?”
Sofia nodded, releasing his legs and returning to the couch where the Toy group was on.
Turning back to the kitchen, Frank sighed. He couldn’t even cook a tofu turkey. Glancing back, he watched Sofia’s eyes widen at the Pug that waddled across the screen.
Moving to get rid of the turkey, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. The window was still open and Frank reminded himself to close it as he crossed to the door. Sofia was too engrossed by the television to notice the door. Frank figured it was one of the neighbors who must have heard the alarm.
He was shocked then when he opened the door and Gerard stood on his little porch, a ceramic platter in his hands.
“Mr. Way,” he said, shocked. “What are you doing here?”
Gerard shrugged slightly. “Well, I figured you guys were probably alone and there’s no sense being alone on a holiday.”
Frank just stared but Sofia noticed now and her squeal was loud as she rolled off the couch and launched herself at Gerard.
“Mr. Way!” she cried, hugging his knees tightly.
“Hey, Sofia,” Gerard greeted her with a smile. “How are you?”
“Daddy burned the turkey,” Sofia said matter-of-factly and Frank just wanted to disappear right then as the flush flared on his neck.
“That’s enough, Sof,” he said instead, guiding her away from Gerard. He looked up at Gerard, who was trying not to smile.
“Well, I guess you’re in luck then,” Gerard said, pulling the top off his dish and Frank stared at the golden-brown lump of tofurkey there. “Sofia mentioned you didn’t eat meat.”
Frank just stared. “Uh, yeah, I’m a vegan.”
Gerard nodded and paused as Frank just stared. “So can I come in?”
“Oh, yeah, of course,” Frank said, feeling like an idiot as he stepped back and let Gerard in. He closed the door behind him and moved to the window as well.
Gerard came in, looking around while Sofia talked a mile a minute.
“And daddy let me pick out everything in my room,” she was saying, dragging Gerard to her room and showing him.
“It looks great,” he replied as Sofia pointed out her clock with a blue octopus on it and the bedspread with an ocean theme.
When he finally managed to get her to show him the kitchen, he set his tofurkey down on the counter and smiled as he saw Frank’s ruined attempt.
Frank glanced over at it and just shrugged. “I can’t cook.”
Gerard just laughed. “Doesn’t look like that stopped you.”
Shaking his head, Frank smiled. “I’m kind of stubborn that way.” He paused, looking at Gerard, who was still smiling at him. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be with your family or something?”
Gerard shrugged, looking at whatever Sofia was trying to show him. He made an interested noise and handed it back. She hurried back into her room for something else.
“I usually spend it with my brother, but he and his wife went to my parent’s this year and I didn’t feel like tagging along.”
Frank wasn’t sure he believed him, but he had no room to complain when Gerard had brought over edible food.
“So you’re a vegan,” Gerard said after a minute. “But Sofia always has cheese and things.”
Frank gave a half-shrug, moving to the pantry and pulling down plates. “I don’t want to force her to be vegan or vegetarian. She can decide when she’s old enough.”
“That’s big of you,” Gerard commented and Frank laughed.
“It was Jamia’s idea, but I think it’s a good one.”
“Mr. Way.” Sofia appeared next to him, pulling on his jeans and he glanced down. Frank caught another sparkle of glitter as he did so.
“Yes, Sofia?” he asked, crouching down and giving her a smile.
“Did you bring a turkey?”
“Sort of,” Gerard allowed, meeting Frank’s eyes and smiling.
Frank smiled back and felt that annoying jump again. Pushing it away, he bit his lip and turned back to the cupboard, getting out cups.
“Are you going to eat with us?” Sofia’s eyes were big and it wasn’t as though Frank would have said no anyway.
“Yeah, he’s gonna stay,” Frank said and Gerard smiled again. “Is that okay, Sof?”
“Yeah!” she cried happily, hugging Gerard. “Daddy never has people over.”
Frank internally cursed but Gerard just smiled at Sofia.
“We should change that, then.”
Sofia just giggled and Frank turned to her. “Here, Sof, put the cups on the table.” He handed her three cups and watched her head towards their brand new dining table. He had figured that if he was going to get a new apartment, he might as well try a real dining room complete with table and chairs. Maybe that would help him not be such failure. He wasn’t sure how well it was working.
Gerard rose back up and smirked at Frank. Frank was surprised to see something other than the soft smile he used for all the children.
“You’re not a hermit, are you?”
Frank frowned slightly. “I just haven’t had a lot of time to have friends over since I got Sofia. She takes a lot of time.”
“You don’t have to sacrifice everything, you know,” was all Gerard said before he grabbed the plates and went to help Sofia set the table.
*
The dinner was actually decent, Frank thought, once they finished and Sofia was sprawled across the couch, sleepily watching Alice in Wonderland on TV. Frank and Gerard were on either side of her, talking quietly.
“You know, this is probably the most fucked-up Disney movie ever,” Frank commented as Alice ate the mushroom and shot up ten feet.
“Pretty sure some heavy drugs were involved,” Gerard agreed.
Frank laughed and looked over. Gerard was watching the movie, but met his eyes with a quiet smile. Glancing down, Frank saw that Sofia had fallen asleep completely.
“Must have been the turkey,” Gerard commented and Frank grinned.
“It wasn’t real turkey.”
“Tasted real enough.”
Frank paused. “Did you actually make that?”
Gerard hesitated and then gave a guilty smile. “Well, I know this cook. My friend, Lyn-Z. She made it for me.”
Frank’s eyes narrowed playfully. “I knew it.”
Gerard shrugged helplessly. “But I can make mac and cheese,” he defended.
“Maybe I should have you over more often,” Frank joked and then stopped, realizing what he’d just said. “Um,” he said into the silence. “I should put Sofia to bed.”
Carefully, he scooped Sofia up and left Gerard in the living room. In Sofia’s room, he tucked her in lightly and stood watching her for a few moments before gathering himself and going back out.
Shutting the door quietly behind him, he turned to find Gerard still on the couch, watching the movie.
“Wow,” he said when Frank sat back down. “Could there be any more drug allusions in this thing?”
“Probably,” Frank replied. “But then it wouldn’t be rated G.”
Gerard nodded understandingly. “Suppose not.”
Frank just nodded and settled back onto the couch, wondering how awkward it was going to get now that Sofia was gone.
He watched the movie for a while but didn’t comment when the Cheshire Cat appeared, and that had always been his favorite part.
“Mr. Way,” he said after a while and Gerard turned to him.
“Can you call me Gerard? It feels strange outside of school unless it’s one of my kids.”
“Okay,” Frank agreed slowly. “Gerard, why did you come over today?”
Gerard paused, looking thoughtful. “Frank,” he said finally. “You are probably the hardest working dad I’ve ever met. You’re working so hard to make sure that Sofia is happy and I know that maybe you feel like it isn’t working, but just the fact that you’re trying makes all the difference.”
Frank was slightly confused but didn’t say anything when Gerard paused.
“The thing is, sometimes too many people live for their kids. That’s how people get the Empty Nest Syndrome. They focus on their child entirely and when the kid leaves, they have nothing left. I don’t want you to be one of those people because you have a lot going for you if you’d just take the time to remember.”
Frank frowned but didn’t know what to say. Gerard shifted on the couch, turning fully towards him.
“I get that you’re trying to do what’s best for Sofia and I respect that. It’s admirable, but you can’t forget yourself in the process.”
“What are you trying to say?” Frank asked after a minute although he had a feeling. He didn’t deny that since he’d gotten Sofia, he had let his own life fall to the wayside. He didn’t go out with friends anymore or hang out in the bar in his off-time. He didn’t even have Ray or Bob over for a night of watching stupid comedies and getting drunk. It all felt irresponsible now.
“Frank,” Gerard said slowly, sitting up closer. “When you kissed me before, did you want to?”
Frank’s stomach was jumping all over the place and his heart was speeding up unnecessarily. His teeth immediately went for his lip ring, chewing on it nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” he replied finally. “You’re my daughter’s preschool teacher and I’m her fucked-up father who’s just trying not to burn down the house.”
Gerard didn’t back off. “It does matter. If it’s what you want then it matters. You can’t lose yourself. I’ve seen too many people do it. They’re the ones who put their kids in ten clubs, who make sure there’s always an activity to do, whether it’s sports or arts. They never take time for themselves and they get lost.”
Frank stared at Gerard, seeing the sparkle of glitter in his hair again.
“How can I be good father to her if I don’t focus on her?” he asked finally. “She doesn’t have a mom now and I have to make up for that. I can barely make up for myself let alone Jamia.”
Gerard shook his head. “You know, the great thing about little kids is that they love you despite your faults.”
Frank paused, glancing at the door to Sofia’s bedroom. He knew Gerard had a point. Hell, he was probably completely right, but Frank couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that by letting himself enjoy himself, he would somehow be wronging Sofia.
Frank glanced back at Gerard, who was just waiting patiently, and Frank wondered if he was always like this. It must have come with working with kids for so long.
“Gerard,” he said slowly and Gerard licked his lips in response. “I shouldn’t.”
“But you want to,” Gerard said, his voice nearly a whisper.
Frank wanted to, yes. He wanted to. He wanted to kiss Gerard again without his daughter sleeping in the same room. He wanted to drag him back into his bedroom and lock the door, to test the sound-proofedness of the walls.
“Yes, I want to,” he admitted in a rush. “But I can’t.”
Gerard gave him a long look. “I don’t want you to lose yourself, Frank.”
Something snapped in Frank, and before he could stop himself, he was kissing Gerard.
It wasn’t dry and hesitant like the first time. Frank pressed forward, sliding his tongue against the seam of Gerard’s lips and wasn’t surprised when they opened for him. He felt the quick exhale of breath when Gerard opened his mouth and let Frank’s tongue slide inside.
Frank’s hands were on Gerard, one on his cheek and the other on his neck. He couldn’t believe how much he’d missed just kissing someone. His last boyfriend seemed like so long ago now.
Gerard tasted like coffee and pumpkin pie and he kissed Frank back, a hand grasping the side of his tee-shirt. Frank pressed closer, biting at Gerard’s lips and ignoring the slide of his lip ring against Gerard’s mouth. A muffled moan passed between the two and Frank couldn’t be sure whose it was. He just kissed Gerard hard, hoping he wasn’t going to regret this later.
“Frank,” Gerard mumbled against his mouth when Frank pulled away to pant for breath. He let Frank rest their foreheads together and pant against his mouth.
“Sorry,” Frank whispered. “Couldn’t help it.” He bit his lip again and was surprised when Gerard surged up, kissing him deeply.
He somehow ended up on his back on the couch with Gerard over him, a hand carding through his hair as they kissed.
“Mph,” Frank tried to say as he shifted under Gerard and looked up at him, feeling slightly dazed. “Gerard, we can’t do this.”
Gerard blinked, and Frank saw him swallow and let out a breath.
“Here,” Frank continued. “Sofia’s right there. If I’m going to feel bad for thinking of myself, I’m not going to feel worse for doing it on the couch right next to her room.”
Gerard stopped a second and then smiled when Frank wiggled out from under him. He let Frank stand up and followed him off the couch to a door on the opposite side.
“I’m going to be a gentleman and not guess that you had ulterior motives for choosing this apartment,” Gerard said, glancing at the distance between rooms.
“Well, when she’s a teenager, I’m certainly not going to want to hear what goes on in there,” Frank answered honestly but smiled as Gerard leaned into him and nipped at his neck. “And maybe there was an idea or two in my subconscious.”
He could feel Gerard’s smile against his neck as he reached for the door to his room and they tumbled backwards.
Frank had a fleeting flash of indecision as the door was shut and they were thrown into darkness. His mind flew to Sofia across the living room and what she would think about this, if she would even understand it. He wondered how Gerard would handle it at school.
“Don’t worry about me,” came Gerard’s voice through the darkness and Frank jumped.
“I wasn’t,” he replied although he was obviously lying. He’d never been good at it.
Leaving Gerard, he felt his way to the bed and found the lamp chain. Pulling it on, he looked back at Gerard, who was still by the door. He sighed and put on a smile, sitting down on the bed, one leg curled underneath him.
“It’s just, are you sure?” he asked earnestly. “What if something goes wrong? What if Sofia gets hurt?”
Frank was surprised that these questions came to mind when before they never would have entered his mind.
Gerard came over, sinking down next to him on the bed and placing a hand on his thigh. “I told you. I won’t let that happen.”
Frank felt stupid almost. He knew Gerard was a great guy. He worked with four year olds all day for fuck’s sake. Anyone who could endure that had to be golden.
“I guess I just worry too much,” he muttered and saw Gerard’s soft smile.
“Sofia’s lucky,” he just murmured, pressing a kiss to Frank’s jaw, and Frank sighed, closing his eyes as another kiss was pressed to the side of his mouth. “Some parents don’t worry at all and bad things happen.”
Frank only nodded slightly when Gerard reached his mouth, kissing him softly.
“My mom worried about me,” he muttered in between kisses, letting Gerard push him back on the bed. “And I turned out okay.”
“Better than okay,” Gerard mumbled against his lips and Frank grinned.
“Better than okay,” he echoed, dragging a hand under Gerard’s shirt and feeling how Gerard arched into his touch. “Hey, so will you explain the glitter?”
“Glitter?” Gerard didn’t look up from where he’d slid down to Frank’s neck and was busy leaving a very visible mark that Frank didn’t fancy explaining to the other parents. He’d just tell Sofia it was a vampire.
Frank fingered Gerard’s hair and came away with glitter on his fingers. Gerard glanced at it for a second before shrugging and kissing Frank again and the glitter was smeared across his cheeks from Frank’s hand on his face.
“I like glitter,” he just said when he pulled away. “If you came over to my apartment, you’d probably have it everywhere too.”
“One step at a time,” Frank joked and Gerard laughed.
“Okay, okay, your place first.”
Smiling, Frank ducked down for a kiss before letting his head fall back and his eyes close as Gerard slipped further down.
*
Frank woke to the sun shining in his eyes; he hadn’t shut the curtain the night before. Wincing, he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.
“Not a morning person, huh?” came a voice from beside him and Frank’s eyes shot open. It took him only a second to realize who it was but longer than that for his heart to calm down.
“Gerard,” he said, turning back over and flinching in the light. Gerard was sitting up and smiled at him. His hair was messier than normal, sleep-tousled, and Frank thought he looked quite cute.
“Morning,” he said and Frank smiled slowly.
“Morning. Why are you awake?”
“You know, someday, you’re going to have a teenage daughter who will want to go shopping much earlier than this on Black Friday.”
“Well, that’ll have to wait a few years,” Frank replied, snuggling against the pillow. “When she can drive herself.”
Gerard laughed but didn’t force Frank up.
“Hey, Frank,” he said after a minute and Frank gave a sleepy reply, his eyes still closed. “What’s this?”
Frank cracked open an eye but could only see a vague outline of a piece of paper. Sighing, he reached for it and pulled it down to his level.
Across the top, scribbled in his messy handwriting, the heading “Worst Dad Ever” glared at him and he groaned and pushed it away.
“Add burning the tofurkey to that,” he mumbled.
Gerard frowned. “You actually keep a list?”
“Yeah,” Frank replied. “To remind me how I suck at this dad thing. And maybe when Sofia’s old and fucked-up, we can go back to the list and figure out where it all went wrong.”
“You can’t be serious.” Gerard stared at him incredulously but Frank just shrugged, resolving himself to the fact that he was awake now. Pushing himself up, he rubbed his hair blearily and blinked at the list.
“’Course I am.”
Gerard stared. Frank gave him a questioning glance.
“What?”
“This is ridiculous, Frank,” Gerard said seriously and Frank shrugged.
“I think it’s useful. Maybe I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice.”
Gerard laughed for a second. “Frank, raising a kid isn’t about being perfect. It’s about learning and growing. If you burn a few meals, she’s not gonna hate you for it.”
“Maybe not, but she’ll remember it.”
Gerard rolled his eyes and took back the list. “She’ll remember that you tried your best and she’ll love you for it.”
“You seem awfully confident in her feelings,” Frank said, playfully accusing him. “Do you know something I don’t?”
“I know after working with kids for the past five years that they don’t judge like adults do and that they are pretty forgiving of human follies.”
Frank just sighed and sat up completely, stretching. “So what does that mean?”
“It means we are getting rid of your list,” Gerard said seriously, and Frank’s eyes widened.
“But you can’t!”
“I can.” Gerard lifted it and Frank watched, his mouth open and his eyes wide, as Gerard ripped it down the middle.
“But how will we be able to tell where it all went wrong?” he asked worriedly.
Gerard shook his head, tossing the pieces aside. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you try.”
Frank looked at the pieces on the floor and bit his lip again. Finally, he sighed and looked up at Gerard.
“Fine, you can destroy my list, but you can’t tell me I’m a good cook.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Gerard promised with a smile and Frank nodded, content.
“Good. Now, would you care to make it up to me?”
Gerard only grinned as he met Frank’s lips for a kiss and Frank only worried slightly what he was going to say to Sofia when she woke up.
*
“So are Ray and Walter happy together?” Ray asked, staring at his namesake on Frank’s filing cabinet.
Frank grinned as he bounced up from his desk. “They’re getting there. Turns out the whole color difference wasn’t a big deal.”
“I don’t know,” Gabe piped up from behind Ray and Ray swatted at him, but he ducked out of the way. “Blue and Red, two pretty opposite colors. But put them together and you get purple!”
“Go away,” Ray grumbled, shooing Gabe back to his job.
Frank just grinned, glancing at the picture of Sofia sitting on his desk.
“Purple is a pretty awesome color,” he agreed, patting Ray on the shoulder as he walked out. “Now, how about we get some good music in here? You’ve had crap bands for the past few months.”
Ray just stared as Frank waltzed out into the bar, grinning at nothing in particular, and finally feeling like life was looking up.
*
epilogue.
“Gerard!” Sofia ran out of her bedroom, clutching a piece of paper to her chest and looking up at Gerard nervously. She bit her lip and Gerard had to laugh. It was so like her father.
“Sofia, come help set the table,” Frank called.
Another tofurkey, perfectly brown thanks to Lyn-Z, sat on the counter and store-bought pumpkin pie joined it. Frank was busy putting out knives and forks. In the middle of the table sat a brown puff ball that Sofia insisted was a turkey she’d made at school.
“Yeah, Sof?” Gerard asked, leaning forward and ignoring the dog show on TV.
“I made this for you,” she said, almost nervously as she held out the paper. It was a drawing of three people, two men and a little girl in front of a white picket-fenced house. Bluebirds sat in the tree and the sun was shining brightly overhead.
“I love it,” Gerard told her honestly and her face lit up. She gave him a hug before running off to help Frank at the table.
Frank announced themselves ready and Gerard wandered over. Glancing around, he smiled.
“Nothing burned. I’m impressed, Iero.”
“Shut up,” Frank replied playfully, handing Sofia her napkin and taking his seat.
“Daddy,” Sofia said, turning to Frank. “Mr. Urie said, he said he’d take me to the aquarium next week.”
“Did he now?” Frank asked, sneaking a glance at Gerard, who shrugged.
“I can’t control Brendon. It’s not my fault he comes to your bar even though he’s not her teacher anymore.”
Frank paused, giving him a fake glare before he grinned and reached over to ruffle Sofia’s hair. She pushed his hand away quickly.
“Can I go, please?” she asked, her eyes big and her lip pouting.
“Well, I guess,” he said and Sofia’s face lit up. “As long as you promise to bring me back a picture of Stuart.”
“I promise!” she cried, hugging him tightly before settling back in her chair.
Frank just grinned and sat back in his chair as Gerard cut the tofurkey and passed Sofia a piece.
*
“The night is young,” Gerard murmured into Frank’s collar bone and Frank grinned.
“What did you have in mind?” Silence met his ears and he frowned. “Gee?”
He was surprised when Gerard pulled away, heading over to his bag on the floor. “I have something for you.”
“For me?”
“Well, it is technically our anniversary.”
Frank opened his mouth but Gerard just laughed.
“It’s nothing big, and don’t worry, I don’t want anything back.”
Frank frowned, but couldn’t complain. He waited impatiently then when Gerard dug something out of his bag and brought it over, crawling onto the bed with him.
It was wrapped in newspaper but Frank just gave him a curious look before tearing off the paper.
He pulled out a picture frame and turned it over, his mouth falling open as the light fell across the front.
“World’s Best Dad?” He read the heading on the top of the frame and his eyes skimmed down to his old, crumpled list, still with the tear down the middle, his cramped handwriting declaring his many faults down the page. “But why?”
Gerard smiled. “Because you cared enough to make a list.”
Frank stared at the frame and then smiled. “I thought you said it was ridiculous.”
“At the time, it was,” Gerard allowed. “But I think it shows something about you.”
“That I still can’t cook?”
Gerard shook his head but smiled. “That you were willing to try so hard just to make your daughter happy.”
“Yeah, good thing I don’t do that anymore,” Frank joked and Gerard gave his shoulder a light push.
“You’re a good father whether you like it or not.”
Frank paused, glancing at the list before setting it gently on the bedside table.
“I think I can handle that,” he said finally, smiling and pulling Gerard to his lips and kissing him softly.
“Good,” Gerard murmured when Frank pulled back. “I would have made you otherwise.”
Frank laughed and just pulled Gerard to him, tumbling back on the bed and smiling when Gerard landed on top of him.
“Thanks,” he whispered against his lips. “For not giving up.”
“I’m kind of stubborn that way,” Gerard just murmured back and Frank smiled into the kiss.
*
FIN.