(no subject)
If my mum dies im so fucked. Theres this voice in my head that keeps whispering to me. This could be it.
1st round of chemo bought her a year, 2nd bought her fuck all as it didnt work at all and she was bleeding the next month,
and if this one doesnt work then I don't know. She can't have surgery, she's already too messed up in there and last time she was on the table the DR was so glad that she just managed to survive the procedure after nearly dying on the table. After that he said she couldnt have surgery again. So this chemo has to work, it just fucking has to.
I remember what I was like after my dad died and while he was sick, and previous times when my mum was sick. I went on a complete downward spiral. I'd drink anything with a percentage, kiss anything with lips, smoke anything you can roll, never said no, stop or enough. I lost alot of friends, I allienated myself, fucked myself over and over, got myself into situations i still cant beleive I made out of alive. I tend to freak out when people touch me. Especially when i'm crying, if you ever actually have to endure the sight of that for the love of god dont touch me because I will scare you.
If my mum dies i wont have a family anymore. I dont know how to be in a world my dad isnt but i've got to do it anyway, but how do you be in a world when none of your parents are there? How do you cope? I'm trying to deal with everything with a smile on my face.
When I was talking to the DR about her and he told me there wasnt a chance of curing her now I smiled because she was watching, I smiled. Inside my heart had just ripped itself apart into ribbons and were falling through me in pieces. I need my mum to survive here, even for the selfish reason alone i need her to survive.
I wish I could give her my health. I wish I could of given my dad my health. I wish we got the choice. Why do bad things happen to good people. This holiday has been the worst. and i'm begging you 2010, be a better year. Dont take my mum.
I remember when my dad died, I remember the pain he'd be in for so long, I remember how his face looked, how white he was, I remember the moment he took his last breath and exactly how he looked as he did it. It was in slow motion. I died a bit with him that day. I remember i started shouting at the nurse after he went (sorry nurse) and climbing onto the bed next to him and just lying there next to him, holding him, until people came to take me away. I can;t go through it again with my mum i just can't. it'll destroy me. I cant see her die. I cant watch another person die. not my dad. not my mum.