Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Argh. This is turning out to be a bad week.
But as of tomorrow, I guess I shall be a free bird in a manner of speaking.
I think i'm going to get a bird tattooed either on my neck, hip, ribs, wrist or back in like, symbolicness of me actually taking this step. You know, the whole leaving school thing, i've always thought about it, but I always thought when it came down to it, and it was completely in my hands, it would be in my hands, not thrust out of them, and basically a choice already been made. I'm not complaining, that would be selfish, I just wish I could of had a little more control over it. But I guess this is it, no more school for Ronit.
It's really scary, i mean, what am I actually going to do now, i'll have a job at the weekend and things, but what after that? I really want to be a tattoo artist, and now what if i can't? this sucks so much.
One thing I really really wanted to do in my life was art, it's everything I aspire to everything I want to do, and now i probably won't really be able to do any of it, apart from if im lucky work in a frame fitting shop which sadly was not exactly what I had in mind. What I had in mind? Tattoo artist tattoo artist tattoo artist....and art school but hey...oh well.
I guess I could start building a port folio of designs over the next couple of years, then when i'm actually 18 go out looking to see if i could get an apprenticeship, begging to get one.
i'm kind of sad, i mean, i was actually really looking forward to the student life you know?
Like, uni, having a sorta shabby but cosy flat somewhere with some room mates, never having enough money for food as it's all spend on going out, clothes, alcohol and transportation etc, so resorting to tinned goods most days, meeting new people, getting stoned on the uni grounds, actually being able to have really good intelligent talks with people, being able to sit there surrounded by people with the same interest as me, be able to share the same experiances as my friends, not being left out.
Now i'm so scared when they all go off to uni, and i'll be working a crap hour job with crap pay, while they are all going out together, having fun, studying, getting somewhere in life, being successful, while i'll be sitting alone with the choices I don't really remember getting to make.
I've never really thought myself as someone who could even come close to any of my friends, but i always thought I would have the chance of really being able to do what i wanted.
I'm going to do everything I can to try and get there on my own, but it's going to be so hard. All i'm going to have are a few int 2's...
oh my god. I sound so pathetic and so stupid. I am so stupid. Why couldn't i be smarter...seriously why.
Man. And it's not just me thinking that, out of everyone i know, i'm the stupid one, you know, like the one no one really takes seriously, or at least thats how it feels most of the time.
All my friends have at least one thing going for them thats only theirs you know, theyre own personality trait that only they have, I used to think I had lots, but now it's like theres nothing that shows me for me, it's like i'm just this empty shell walking around, no map, no compass. I feel so completely lost now, I feel so far away from everything I used to know. And I have the feeling that if the people I know, didnt know me, they would either be the exact same, or miles better, i feel like I hold everyone back, or just annoy everyone, or, god I don't know. what's the point in all this seriously, what;s the point if these are the choices you get, and even though you do get to make them, you sorta kind of don't.
Still, i'm going to try and look on the positive side of this I guess. I can start building a port folio. I get to be there for her and take care of her now, she'll need me. I get to start earning some money if only a little, i dont need to worry about exams but god i'd love to have taken them now come to think of it, i don't know, think positive, positive, positive, positive.
Well I guess one really good thing, i'll no longer be caged, i'll be a free bird, (que lyrnard skynard) and this bird you cannot change.
''Fly high free bird.''
Blah. I need a few good friends right now, but i doubt anyone will bother, or i'll bother them.