So...
I think I'm in the midst of a mental breakdown. How delightful. As everyone who read my post yesterday knows (thank you very much for your condolences Kimmie...I really appreciate it) my cat of 13-14 years just died. Today is my favorite holiday of the year...Halloween (Samhein). I don't know why I'm so upset about this because I never ritual anyway but even so, Samhein has always had a place in my heart. Apparently, my boyfriend decided that today...a day after me being devastated by my cat's death was a good day to cancel our Halloween plans that we had for over two weeks. We weren't going to do anything more major then go trick or treating, but WTF? My favorite holiday and you're canceling on me? Needless to say I was less then happy with the situation. My bf often accuses me of never wanting him to hang out with his friends! I'm not going to lie when he talks to his friends 24/7 (one of them txts him constantly) I do get annoyed. What happened to spending time with me? So he was invited to go to a birthday/Halloween party where many of his friends that he hasn't seen since he graduated over a year ago will be attending. He wanted to go and I didn't want to be that bitch that told him he couldn't hang out with his friends. It's not like I don't understand. I don't want him to be unhappy and to not be able to hang out with his friends. But...we had plans...and now I'm alone...on my favorite holiday of the year...a day after my cat died...and I can't stop crying.
I know it's not the fact that he canceled on me so much as the fact that I realized I don't have but one friend in my life anymore and even then I don't see them but seldom. Angie is the only person I hang out with and she's moving to Jersey soon. I could have gone to an anime convention with her this weekend but I said no (she was going to let me go for free too!) because I wanted to spend time with Jussy (who ended up canceling on me anyway). That and I had to go to work but I could have gotten out of that easily enough.
Back to the facts though...I have never been able to have a group of close friends to hang out with. Sure I had friends in high school but they never felt too close. The closest was Rae and Nicole who I had a huge love hate relationship with. I still talk to Cole but not often. And then there's Kimmie who I adore but admittingly we've never really had a "outside of school" relationship. It's not like we ever hung out at each other's houses or went to the mall together..etc. My best friends all left CT long ago, the ones I had in high school I seem to have burned all my bridges with or are away at college like I should be, and all my Americorps and College friends live so far away. I feel so alone here and it's not so much that my bf wanted to hang out with his friends, but the sick realization that I didn't have any friends to make alternative plans with. How pathetic is that? Now I'm going to go with my sister to hang out with HER friends...(my life story, eh) and maybe have fun...but in all liklihood feel incredibly out of place all night because in the end I don't know these people and they are her friends. Not mine...
Wow...I feel pathetic.
-Tasha-
I know it's not the fact that he canceled on me so much as the fact that I realized I don't have but one friend in my life anymore and even then I don't see them but seldom. Angie is the only person I hang out with and she's moving to Jersey soon. I could have gone to an anime convention with her this weekend but I said no (she was going to let me go for free too!) because I wanted to spend time with Jussy (who ended up canceling on me anyway). That and I had to go to work but I could have gotten out of that easily enough.
Back to the facts though...I have never been able to have a group of close friends to hang out with. Sure I had friends in high school but they never felt too close. The closest was Rae and Nicole who I had a huge love hate relationship with. I still talk to Cole but not often. And then there's Kimmie who I adore but admittingly we've never really had a "outside of school" relationship. It's not like we ever hung out at each other's houses or went to the mall together..etc. My best friends all left CT long ago, the ones I had in high school I seem to have burned all my bridges with or are away at college like I should be, and all my Americorps and College friends live so far away. I feel so alone here and it's not so much that my bf wanted to hang out with his friends, but the sick realization that I didn't have any friends to make alternative plans with. How pathetic is that? Now I'm going to go with my sister to hang out with HER friends...(my life story, eh) and maybe have fun...but in all liklihood feel incredibly out of place all night because in the end I don't know these people and they are her friends. Not mine...
Wow...I feel pathetic.
-Tasha-