hey all
Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while. Life's going crazy now and my heart is beyond broken.I tried to patch things up and stay friends with Jaysen, but he insisted that Peg's feelings and demands come first, so I had to cut the tie. Now I'm hurting terribly. I ache inside. It feels like a part of me has been ripped out. I just sat at Common Ground and reread our journal. He loved me sooooo much. He wrote it and said how he doesn't deserve me and how wonderful I am and yet SHE was able to come along and rip us apart. I tried so much to accept this polyamorous thing. But I can't love Rich. He is her husband for 13 years. All I want is Jaysen, in my arms, snoring like a buzzsaw and holding me close. I had to set him free. So why does it feel like there's a void that will never be filled again? Why does it feel like I've lost part of my soul? I still plan on moving forward in my life, and getting my own place and stuff, but as of now I have no drive at all to be with anyone. It seems pointless now, to want or try to love anyone. I have all my friends, yes, but I still feel so utterly alone. I want for him to look at her one day and realize that he really wants me there. Wishful thinking. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I bother to love? It always ends up hurting me so much. First David, then cary....now Jaysen. I want to be able to have what I want for once. I know now that if he showed up and had a job and a place of his own, and I was on my own, I'd tell everyone to mind their own business and take him back. As long as Peg was FAR out of the picture. I can't fault her, In let him experiment with her, I just didn't expect him to latch on to her and claim to love her. She replaced me. Now she has him and her husband, and I am alone. I guess I'm just supposed to be that way. I wish someone would get it through to him what a huge mistake he's making. I don't want him to realize it 3 years from now like David did. We were going to have our home together, he promised me that, said he'd often dreamt of it, too. Where did I go wrong? Must be going, now. Ciao.