(no subject)
Well, that's that. I knew it was a one in a million shot, but if that 0.0001% chance had been the end result, to me, that was worth all the risks, every minute of sorrow, every tear.
I don't want to hear about how I'm an idiot, or how he's an asshole, because maybe I am, but he isn't. To all the "friends" who've tried to defend me by talking badly about him, to his face and behind his back, I say "fuck off. I don't need defending, I can do it myself, this situation doesn't concern you, you don't know the details, and you're not helping." If I thought for one second that he got some sort of kick out of this, or that he could hurt me without hurting himself, you better believe I'd hurt him back. But he doesn't, and he can't.
He wants so badly to love me the way I love him. That's what it boils down to. This whole time he's been searching for gthe thing that will make him say "yes. That's it, that's why I love her," the thing that will make sure he never leaves or never wants to leave, no matter what may happen. When he told me that, all I could say is "it isn't something about you that makes me feel that way. It's not something you do, something between us, or something in our relationship. It's you." He cried when he said "I want to bad to be able to say that. I've tried so hard to feel that, and I just can't."
So before you go and try to cheer me up by talking shit about him to me, him, or anyone else, stop. Just don't. It's not his fault he feels the way he does, or that I feel the way I do, and as nice as it would be, it's impossible to make yourself feel otherwise. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just not the same kind of love, and that's hurting him as much as it hurts me.
If you want to be the friends you've claimed to be, try actually being a friend. Not someone who tells me that they're here for me, and we'll still hang out, and never contacts me after that. I've tried. I've reached out this summer and made an effort to talk to people or to actually see people, and what have I got? One word answers to my questions, no response, or vague "yeah, we should do something sometime". When I say "I'm free X time and date", I get "I'm busy then", or "that might work" and then don't hear from them again. I'm done. I've accepted that we aren't friends anymore and maybe never really were and I've moved on. But for fuck's sake, if you call yourself Mike's friends, try actually being there for him. Maybe listen to him, and see how he's hurting, instead of telling him he's an asshole who just wants to hurt me. Try seeing his point of view, rather than spreading rumours behind his back about how he's been cheating on me (he hasn't.) If you really were his friends, you'd know he's not that guy. It's a very depressing place to be, when the girl you've just told that you don't love enough to be in a relationship with is the best/only friend you have.
I don't want to hear about how I'm an idiot, or how he's an asshole, because maybe I am, but he isn't. To all the "friends" who've tried to defend me by talking badly about him, to his face and behind his back, I say "fuck off. I don't need defending, I can do it myself, this situation doesn't concern you, you don't know the details, and you're not helping." If I thought for one second that he got some sort of kick out of this, or that he could hurt me without hurting himself, you better believe I'd hurt him back. But he doesn't, and he can't.
He wants so badly to love me the way I love him. That's what it boils down to. This whole time he's been searching for gthe thing that will make him say "yes. That's it, that's why I love her," the thing that will make sure he never leaves or never wants to leave, no matter what may happen. When he told me that, all I could say is "it isn't something about you that makes me feel that way. It's not something you do, something between us, or something in our relationship. It's you." He cried when he said "I want to bad to be able to say that. I've tried so hard to feel that, and I just can't."
So before you go and try to cheer me up by talking shit about him to me, him, or anyone else, stop. Just don't. It's not his fault he feels the way he does, or that I feel the way I do, and as nice as it would be, it's impossible to make yourself feel otherwise. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just not the same kind of love, and that's hurting him as much as it hurts me.
If you want to be the friends you've claimed to be, try actually being a friend. Not someone who tells me that they're here for me, and we'll still hang out, and never contacts me after that. I've tried. I've reached out this summer and made an effort to talk to people or to actually see people, and what have I got? One word answers to my questions, no response, or vague "yeah, we should do something sometime". When I say "I'm free X time and date", I get "I'm busy then", or "that might work" and then don't hear from them again. I'm done. I've accepted that we aren't friends anymore and maybe never really were and I've moved on. But for fuck's sake, if you call yourself Mike's friends, try actually being there for him. Maybe listen to him, and see how he's hurting, instead of telling him he's an asshole who just wants to hurt me. Try seeing his point of view, rather than spreading rumours behind his back about how he's been cheating on me (he hasn't.) If you really were his friends, you'd know he's not that guy. It's a very depressing place to be, when the girl you've just told that you don't love enough to be in a relationship with is the best/only friend you have.