I really only seem to post when I have bad news
If you haven't heard by now, Mike and I broke up a week ago, on the weekend we celebrated our 6th anniversary. Yesterday, I went to talk to him to see if there was a chance of trying to work through the problems and came home questioning everything that has ever happened in our relationship. I don't want to bad-mouth him, because he's not a bad person, and God help me, I still love him, but I am very angry and hurt and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again, so there's no hope of ever "trying again in the future, when we've both grown and changed" like he suggested there may be. Apparently he has had problems with our relationship and with me since the last time we broke up and got back together (FOUR YEARS AGO!), and he decided that since talking about the problems would upset me, and he didn't want to do that, he'd "try to fix things on his own" and never tell me that he was having problems. So when I asked him if we could try to fix things, he doesn't think they can be fixed because he's tired of trying. And then we had a huge fight about everything.
And now I feel completely lost, because for 6 years he's been one of the most important things in my life. My plans for the future involved him, and where we would live & where I would work when he got into the RCMP. I lost/gave up on friendships years ago, because Mike is more shy than he would have people believe, so when he felt uncomfortable around my friends and I had to choose between spending time with them and spending time with him, I chose him. And now it's years later, he's not part ofmy life anymore, and the only friendships I have are with people who were "our friends." People who (for the most part), as wonderful as they are and as much as I enjoy hanging out with them, are not necessarily people I would be friends with on my own. I don't know where my life is going, or who I am, and all the things I like to do now remind me of him, and somehow I have to get through all my final exams this week, and then start work next week, and all I want to do is cry and sleep for a week. I wish there was some way I could easily get over this and over him, but I'm afraid it's going to take a very long time, some therapy (also to deal with issues that were present before this happened) and possibly going back on medication for a while, which I have tried very hard to avoid.
I have no idea what this summer will be like, because my closest friends are all far away and I can't just hang out with them whenever I feel lost, and everything I was looking forward to about summer involved Mike in some way and now that's out of the question. So I feel like all I'm going to be doing is working and studying for my VTNE (certifiation exam) and moving back in with my parents, which may be a good thing for my emotional state right now, but may also result in some wicked fights with my dad or my sister, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to be working on my self-esteem issue when the only person who ever made me feel beautiful and loved and confident is gone from my life.
And now I feel completely lost, because for 6 years he's been one of the most important things in my life. My plans for the future involved him, and where we would live & where I would work when he got into the RCMP. I lost/gave up on friendships years ago, because Mike is more shy than he would have people believe, so when he felt uncomfortable around my friends and I had to choose between spending time with them and spending time with him, I chose him. And now it's years later, he's not part ofmy life anymore, and the only friendships I have are with people who were "our friends." People who (for the most part), as wonderful as they are and as much as I enjoy hanging out with them, are not necessarily people I would be friends with on my own. I don't know where my life is going, or who I am, and all the things I like to do now remind me of him, and somehow I have to get through all my final exams this week, and then start work next week, and all I want to do is cry and sleep for a week. I wish there was some way I could easily get over this and over him, but I'm afraid it's going to take a very long time, some therapy (also to deal with issues that were present before this happened) and possibly going back on medication for a while, which I have tried very hard to avoid.
I have no idea what this summer will be like, because my closest friends are all far away and I can't just hang out with them whenever I feel lost, and everything I was looking forward to about summer involved Mike in some way and now that's out of the question. So I feel like all I'm going to be doing is working and studying for my VTNE (certifiation exam) and moving back in with my parents, which may be a good thing for my emotional state right now, but may also result in some wicked fights with my dad or my sister, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to be working on my self-esteem issue when the only person who ever made me feel beautiful and loved and confident is gone from my life.