Ever decreasing circles
I thought briefly about locking this for only people on my "friends" list to see. And then the absurdity of doing so struck me given the subject matter
Today, Lily was supposed to be coming home from Devon. I had arranged with Lisa weeks ago that we would go down today, collect Lily and her stuff, and bring her back. I had said to Lisa at the time, we can do it whenever it suits you, so she picked the day, and when I expressed a worry that something might happen to prevent her keeping to the deal (as is often the case and has been more so this year) she assured me that it would be fine and if she couldn't drive for whatever reason, then Gav would do it instead. I had the petrol money safely put by.
I emailed her in the week, just to remind her as she is notorious for "double booking" herself. I tried phoning yesterday, 3 or 4 times, left messages just asking what time she thought we would be leaving this morning. I was on the phone late last night myself, but people can still leave a message if mine is in use. I logged on briefly to Twitter before I went to bed at 11pm, and saw that Lisa had been online at 10.30. Checked my phone: no message. No emails. No DM on Twitter. Nothing.
Had trouble sleeping, and got up at 5am.
Lisa has said before that the baby wakes them up around 7 so it is fine for me to call from then on. I try. I try again. I check emails, have a shower and get myself ready to go. I try again and leave a message.
By now I am upset. I dont know if I am being ignored, or if something bad has happened for no one to be at their house on a Sunday morning. I am worried for them and getting angry over the possibility that doormat-syndrome has struck me again.
Finally at 9.45 I get Gav on the phone. Lisa is in bed. I ask if she forgot that we were picking Lily up today, and Gav says no and sorry, but he was supposed to phone me last night and he forgot, because Lisa's hips are giving her pain again, so she cant drive, and she's been in bed for 12 hours. And he is just on his way out to his Gran's because she has something she needs him to fix. I did not even bother to mention his being volunteered for driving if Lisa couldn't manage it. I just said for him to get her to phone me later.
I am furious. Furious that Lisa couldnt phone me herself yesterday just to let me know. Furious that I KNOW she was online less than 12 hours ago.
I try to contain my fury. Think clearly. Is there anyone else I could ask. Well, I do have a brother who lives about 30 miles from where Lily is, but who didnt drop in last year when they drove practically past our door, and who I havent heard anything from since Xmas despite sending a birrthday present for their son's 1st birthday back in April (they did not acknowledge Lily's 18th last year). Its a long shot, but I phoned. No answer. And even if they were in, he would probably be on call this weekend, and they generally only have a landrover on the road that wouldn't hold all Lily's stuff. But I tried.
Time to phone Lily and explain. She is in tears, I am in tears. I am appologising for something I have no control over. I tell her that I will explain to her friend's mum if she will put her on the phone, but Lily says no and that she will do it. Then Lily drops the latest dombshell / last straw: she was supposed to be going out for a curry with her dad last night, but he sent her a text while she was in the shower getting ready to say he couldnt make it because he has been sick and has blood poisoning. And then a few minutes later, because she hadn't answered, he sent another text saying "like you care". I've never sworn with the F word infront of Lily before but I did then.
Neither of us need this right now. Five days ago was the anniversary of my mum's death in 2000. The week after next sees the anniversary of her dad's death, my favourite grandad, and what would have been her birthday. The week after marks 5 years since my dad died. I have been strugling with all of this since about March when the death anniversaries start for us, knowing that cancer is stakling us and not content with taking my family it is now trying to pick off my friends too. And those friends are becoming fewer by their own actions anyway.
I am angry with everything. Anyone who thinks losing people close to you gets easier as time passes is sorely mistaken and I hope to all the Gods that none of you reading this have to deal with it in the constant waves that I have. I am furious with my parents for making such lousy financial decisions and then dying on me. I'm furious with their relatives, I hesitate to say "my family" anymore, for being so self-centred. I am furious with myself for chosing such a waste of air to be Lily's father and for not getting out sooner or for not fighting back with some implement on the night I left him. I am furious for letting people walk all over me because I give them the benefit of the doubt and I'm a sucker for a sob story. I'm fed up with people treating me like shit and having absolutely no conscience about it. I am angry that no one does what they say they will these days, from companies to people who call themselves friends. I dont want anyone to promise me anything anymore.
I try so fuckin hard to be self-reliant. I KNOW no one likes someone always asking for favours, but most people have a family they can ask first. There are some things I just cannot do by myself, because I AM by myself. For any favour I have asked of any of you reading this, I need you to know that there were many I did not trouble you with - many that I have worked through or around on my own. Friendships are meant to be give and take arent they? Finding compromises that suit both freinds, doing fun things together, sharing the good and the bad. When did all that change? I like spending time with people I consider to be my friends, and yet I can see the same pattern now happening with me as it did my parents: always them going to other people, no one ever visiting us. Do I smell? Is my home that uncomfortable or unwelcoming? Am I committing some dreadful social sin that no one has felt the need to tell me about?
So here I am seething into the keyboard, yet another day completely turned upside down because of my inability to be like everyone else and drive, have a normal family, have a partner that can help pay the bills and live in a nice house, watch daytime TV and play online bingo. I'm doing my best and it just doesnt seem to be good enough for anyone. There doesnt even seem much point in taking tomorrow off sick because I have a new temp starting that I have to train so that I dont have to do a whole part time couirse data collection myself. You see, I dont like letting people down. I try not to promise things I dont think I can deliver on. And I cannot afford to yell at people and lose my job either.
Today, Lily was supposed to be coming home from Devon. I had arranged with Lisa weeks ago that we would go down today, collect Lily and her stuff, and bring her back. I had said to Lisa at the time, we can do it whenever it suits you, so she picked the day, and when I expressed a worry that something might happen to prevent her keeping to the deal (as is often the case and has been more so this year) she assured me that it would be fine and if she couldn't drive for whatever reason, then Gav would do it instead. I had the petrol money safely put by.
I emailed her in the week, just to remind her as she is notorious for "double booking" herself. I tried phoning yesterday, 3 or 4 times, left messages just asking what time she thought we would be leaving this morning. I was on the phone late last night myself, but people can still leave a message if mine is in use. I logged on briefly to Twitter before I went to bed at 11pm, and saw that Lisa had been online at 10.30. Checked my phone: no message. No emails. No DM on Twitter. Nothing.
Had trouble sleeping, and got up at 5am.
Lisa has said before that the baby wakes them up around 7 so it is fine for me to call from then on. I try. I try again. I check emails, have a shower and get myself ready to go. I try again and leave a message.
By now I am upset. I dont know if I am being ignored, or if something bad has happened for no one to be at their house on a Sunday morning. I am worried for them and getting angry over the possibility that doormat-syndrome has struck me again.
Finally at 9.45 I get Gav on the phone. Lisa is in bed. I ask if she forgot that we were picking Lily up today, and Gav says no and sorry, but he was supposed to phone me last night and he forgot, because Lisa's hips are giving her pain again, so she cant drive, and she's been in bed for 12 hours. And he is just on his way out to his Gran's because she has something she needs him to fix. I did not even bother to mention his being volunteered for driving if Lisa couldn't manage it. I just said for him to get her to phone me later.
I am furious. Furious that Lisa couldnt phone me herself yesterday just to let me know. Furious that I KNOW she was online less than 12 hours ago.
I try to contain my fury. Think clearly. Is there anyone else I could ask. Well, I do have a brother who lives about 30 miles from where Lily is, but who didnt drop in last year when they drove practically past our door, and who I havent heard anything from since Xmas despite sending a birrthday present for their son's 1st birthday back in April (they did not acknowledge Lily's 18th last year). Its a long shot, but I phoned. No answer. And even if they were in, he would probably be on call this weekend, and they generally only have a landrover on the road that wouldn't hold all Lily's stuff. But I tried.
Time to phone Lily and explain. She is in tears, I am in tears. I am appologising for something I have no control over. I tell her that I will explain to her friend's mum if she will put her on the phone, but Lily says no and that she will do it. Then Lily drops the latest dombshell / last straw: she was supposed to be going out for a curry with her dad last night, but he sent her a text while she was in the shower getting ready to say he couldnt make it because he has been sick and has blood poisoning. And then a few minutes later, because she hadn't answered, he sent another text saying "like you care". I've never sworn with the F word infront of Lily before but I did then.
Neither of us need this right now. Five days ago was the anniversary of my mum's death in 2000. The week after next sees the anniversary of her dad's death, my favourite grandad, and what would have been her birthday. The week after marks 5 years since my dad died. I have been strugling with all of this since about March when the death anniversaries start for us, knowing that cancer is stakling us and not content with taking my family it is now trying to pick off my friends too. And those friends are becoming fewer by their own actions anyway.
I am angry with everything. Anyone who thinks losing people close to you gets easier as time passes is sorely mistaken and I hope to all the Gods that none of you reading this have to deal with it in the constant waves that I have. I am furious with my parents for making such lousy financial decisions and then dying on me. I'm furious with their relatives, I hesitate to say "my family" anymore, for being so self-centred. I am furious with myself for chosing such a waste of air to be Lily's father and for not getting out sooner or for not fighting back with some implement on the night I left him. I am furious for letting people walk all over me because I give them the benefit of the doubt and I'm a sucker for a sob story. I'm fed up with people treating me like shit and having absolutely no conscience about it. I am angry that no one does what they say they will these days, from companies to people who call themselves friends. I dont want anyone to promise me anything anymore.
I try so fuckin hard to be self-reliant. I KNOW no one likes someone always asking for favours, but most people have a family they can ask first. There are some things I just cannot do by myself, because I AM by myself. For any favour I have asked of any of you reading this, I need you to know that there were many I did not trouble you with - many that I have worked through or around on my own. Friendships are meant to be give and take arent they? Finding compromises that suit both freinds, doing fun things together, sharing the good and the bad. When did all that change? I like spending time with people I consider to be my friends, and yet I can see the same pattern now happening with me as it did my parents: always them going to other people, no one ever visiting us. Do I smell? Is my home that uncomfortable or unwelcoming? Am I committing some dreadful social sin that no one has felt the need to tell me about?
So here I am seething into the keyboard, yet another day completely turned upside down because of my inability to be like everyone else and drive, have a normal family, have a partner that can help pay the bills and live in a nice house, watch daytime TV and play online bingo. I'm doing my best and it just doesnt seem to be good enough for anyone. There doesnt even seem much point in taking tomorrow off sick because I have a new temp starting that I have to train so that I dont have to do a whole part time couirse data collection myself. You see, I dont like letting people down. I try not to promise things I dont think I can deliver on. And I cannot afford to yell at people and lose my job either.