Coming to terms.
i think the following post will be the most personal one up to date.
as some of you have read in my past posts already i'm a baha'i, and as it comes with religion, there are certain laws, commands and pricipals that accompany it. things like chastity, obligatory prayer, the equality of men and women, no backbiting or alcohol etc. it is not that you'll be damned if you go against these laws and beliefs, or that you'll go to hell, or that god will love you less. it your own responsibility if you allow you soul to spiritually progress, if you manage to come closer to god or not. it is strictly something between you and god. no one will look at you like you're some freak or a dirty bastard. people will accept you the way you are, but as it is, you tend to be your own worst critic. the past few years i've been unsatisfied with the way i live, and scared that people will think me queer for some of the things i enjoy. but once they knew about it they were totally cool with it. i think i was the one who thought the worst of myself. but today i've started the process of making peace with myself, and some people that are not from lj and will read this post...people that know me personally will be surprised by reading this post and finding things out about me. but i know you'll still love me, and i know that god loves me despite all the things i've done wrong.
things i've done that i'm not proud of, things i can't live without, and things i've cured myself from:
* biting my nails
* backbiting
* swearing
* forgetting my obligatory prayer for months
* getting off
* reading nc-17 rated fanfic
* watching 'queer as folk'
* being pro male/male relationships
* crude music
* hateing myself
* hating my life
* thinking about suicide
* being antisocial
* being mean to people i call friends
***
probably more things i can't think of right now.
i love you and i know you love me, and i know that some things i'll be able to get over, and some things i'll do forever, but i am beginning to love myself too.
greetings and lots of chocolate.
♥
silmarwen_85
as some of you have read in my past posts already i'm a baha'i, and as it comes with religion, there are certain laws, commands and pricipals that accompany it. things like chastity, obligatory prayer, the equality of men and women, no backbiting or alcohol etc. it is not that you'll be damned if you go against these laws and beliefs, or that you'll go to hell, or that god will love you less. it your own responsibility if you allow you soul to spiritually progress, if you manage to come closer to god or not. it is strictly something between you and god. no one will look at you like you're some freak or a dirty bastard. people will accept you the way you are, but as it is, you tend to be your own worst critic. the past few years i've been unsatisfied with the way i live, and scared that people will think me queer for some of the things i enjoy. but once they knew about it they were totally cool with it. i think i was the one who thought the worst of myself. but today i've started the process of making peace with myself, and some people that are not from lj and will read this post...people that know me personally will be surprised by reading this post and finding things out about me. but i know you'll still love me, and i know that god loves me despite all the things i've done wrong.
things i've done that i'm not proud of, things i can't live without, and things i've cured myself from:
* biting my nails
* backbiting
* swearing
* forgetting my obligatory prayer for months
* getting off
* reading nc-17 rated fanfic
* watching 'queer as folk'
* being pro male/male relationships
* crude music
* hateing myself
* hating my life
* thinking about suicide
* being antisocial
* being mean to people i call friends
***
probably more things i can't think of right now.
i love you and i know you love me, and i know that some things i'll be able to get over, and some things i'll do forever, but i am beginning to love myself too.
greetings and lots of chocolate.
♥
silmarwen_85