Deafening Silence - Chapter 2 of 5
Title: Deafening Silence - Chapter 2 of 5
Author: silmanumenel
Disclaimer: Nothing in here belongs to me, all is property of CBS, and I’m also not making any money with this.
Rating: PG-13, for some language
Pairing: Danny/Steve, pre-slash, will turn into slash
Warnings: Angst
Word Count: Overall: ~17.500 - Chapter 2: 3.525
Summary: Danny is behaving strangely and no one knows why. When Steve finally finds out, he might not like the answers he gets.
Notes: This is more of a character introspection, Danny just likes to think a lot.
Chapter 1
It’s different, but Danny’s had to deal with enough changes in his life that he knows he’ll manage this as well. In fact, he’s even familiar with some of it because it’s pretty similar to how it was when he first came to Hawaii and started working for the HPD, only that now - to his surprise - there are actually more people talking to him. He wouldn’t have thought it possible, had more or less expected the opposite would be true, but it seems that exposing Kaleo as the mole helped with his standing in the department. Meka was very popular, and he’s heard through the grapevine that even though everyone was too afraid of IA to say anything at the time, they are more than happy that Meka’s name was cleared. So Danny’s more or less in their good books now, and despite the occasional ‘haole’ or the jabs at his continued persistence to dress as a mainlander, coming to the precinct is okay and not the hassle it was in the beginning.
The work is of course also different, a lot quieter, with significantly less gunfights and car chases and instead more witness interviews and yes, more paperwork, but he’s at least used to that, he did his own and Steve’s paperwork most of the time anyway. But that’s not something he likes thinking about, so he pushes it away and leans back against the armrest of his - for once folded up - couch, contemplating what he could possibly do during another empty weekend that stretches in front of him like molasses.
He doesn’t have Grace, hasn’t seen his Monkey in nearly seven weeks because she’s in England with her grandparents where Danny persuaded Rachel to go for the summer after the whole Foster thing went to hell in a handbasket. He doesn’t think he could go on living if something happened to her because they couldn’t get a conviction and Foster decided to enact revenge. He’s working the case on the side now, but completely by the book, his captain knows about it, painstakingly going through all the records again, trying to find new evidence, anything they might’ve overlooked that will be admissible and lead to an indictment. It’s not easy, Foster was nothing if not careful, but Danny certainly won’t give up, he owes it to Leilani and Satoko and Rebecca, and also to himself because he’s not deceiving himself into thinking that he’s blameless in all of this.
Sometimes he’s so angry with himself that he doesn’t know what to do with all that fury. He knows Steve, knows how he operates, knows about his complete inability to slow down and think when he’s geared up to go and focused on the target, so why, why didn’t he try harder to stop him? There’s a traitorous part of him telling him that he knows exactly why, that he couldn’t refuse Steve anything from the beginning, but that only makes him still angrier because look where it got him. He was trained to follow procedure, to stick to the rules so that justice could be done, and what happens? Along comes Steve and all his convictions get thrown out the window. And now he’s back to square one in a case that’s threatening to tear him apart, without the team that has become family for him.
He hates feeling so out of his depth, hates feeling as if he’s stranded somewhere without quite knowing what to do, and so he tries everything to ignore these sensations which really brings the biggest difference into focus - the one in himself. He’s not stupid, he notices what he is doing, notices that certain increased amount of starch in his shirts, notices that all the buttons are done up, that his ties are now all in a double instead of a half Windsor and that he doesn’t roll up his sleeves anymore.
And Danny is self-aware enough that he knows why he is doing it. He’s hiding, plain and simple. Hiding behind his clothes that so clearly set him apart from others, that tell everyone he’s not from here and would rather be anywhere else. They’re almost like an armor, protecting him from comments about the transfer, comments that might hit too close to the mark, and deflecting questions from nosy people who want to know what the falling-out was about because as soon as they see him, they usually tease him about his appearance and forget anything else they might’ve wanted to say. And then his clothes are helping him to create a certain image.
It’s easy after all to assume the persona of the blustering mainlander cop who hates pineapple on pizza, who has an opinion about anything and everything and is not afraid to share it loudly when you’re wearing the appropriate clothes to go along with that.
Perhaps that’s the coward’s way out, Danny’s not sure anymore, but he can’t help it. And alright, his mom always said that emotions were there to be expressed and that he should never be ashamed of what he’s feeling, but it’s a simple fact that some emotions are easier to express than others. Anger, for example, because he’s never seen the sense in holding back when he thinks someone’s being an idiot or refrained from telling someone when they’re pissing him off.
Affection’s also never been a problem for him. He comes from a large family where everybody always hugged everybody else or touched each other, and he can’t really remember a day during his childhood and teenage years that he wasn’t glomped by a sibling or a cousin or an aunt or his parents or his nana. And then he’s of course grown up with three sisters, and as their big brother he usually was the go-to guy when there was boyfriend trouble or unrequited love - yes, Shannon actually used that expression in a fit of 15-year-old melodrama - or any other kind of problem, which means he’s also no stranger to tears and emotional outbursts. It also means that it’s basically SOP for Danny to touch in order to show that he cares or listens or whatever, be it a hand on the arm, or an arm around the shoulder or a simple backslap.
He’s missed it since coming here, his family and their sheer presence in his life, even if it could sometimes be overwhelming, and he has to admit that during the first few months here, when the only person he got to hug was Grace, he felt horrible. Then of course came 5-0, and with it something - someone - completely new that made things all the more complicated for Danny.
Surprisingly enough it’s easiest with Kono because for all that she’s tough as nails and could kick his ass into next week without much effort, she’s also very affectionate and not shy about it. Perhaps because she comes from a similar, if not even larger family than Danny and understands what it’s like. Kono doesn’t even bat an eyelash when he slings an arm around her shoulder or leans against her during movie marathons or kisses her cheek after a job well done, and it’s almost like having a fourth little sister and goes a long way towards making Danny feel more at home in this strange, sunny place he now finds himself in.
Not surprisingly at all it’s hardest with Steve because he’s got to be the most closed off person Danny’s ever met. Sometimes Danny gets this vibe - and yes, he knows how stupid that sounds - that Steve wants to open up, but just can’t because of all the shit he’s gone through and the training he’s had. Danny actually thought they were getting somewhere, the electricity between them was undeniable, and it’s quite telling when even a convict in prison asks you how long you’ve been married, but…
Danny shakes his head resolutely, pushing these kinds of thoughts away. They’re getting him nowhere, and it’s not as if he hasn’t thought about this enough during the past few weeks. This, if he is completely honest with himself which he usually tries to be because self-delusion never helped anyone, is probably true the reason for all his hiding and his new clothing choices. These feelings that he’s having, this strange mix of anger and hurt and sadness, and that he wants no one to see because it’s nobody’s business but his own.
His first reaction when he thinks about the Foster Fiasco - as he’s taken to calling it - is most often still blind fury. How could Steve have been so monumentally stupid? Why did he not listen to Danny? Why could he not get it into his stubborn head that his immunity and means did not extend to the courts, and that the judges could - and would, as they’d painfully seen now - throw their cases out when they didn’t follow the letter of the law? Is he so much of an adrenaline junkie that he doesn’t care what happens after the gunfire ceases and the perps are arrested? It was always ‘book ‘em, Danno’ after all, Danny isn’t even sure whether Steve’s ever completed the whole processes of booking an offender by himself.
But it still always comes back to this one question: Why hadn’t Steve listened to him? And that hurts more than he likes to acknowledge because it makes him feel… unimportant. As if Steve doesn’t care one whit about what his opinion or his objections are. As if he doesn’t respect Danny at all. Which, alright, is most likely not true, but Danny can’t help feeling like it. Steve can be obstinate as hell and usually insists on doing things his way, but just once Danny would like to hear him say something along the lines of, ‘Okay, I’ve heard what you said, I don’t really agree, but you might have a point’. And perhaps they could reach a compromise or something.
That’s not likely to happen though, as Danny’s not even sure Steve knows the meaning of the word ‘compromise’, and then… he transferred after all, didn’t he?
Danny hasn’t seen Steve in more than six weeks, since Steve showed up at his apartment about a week after Grace left to convince him to return and he flipped out completely. He had still been so angry and had been missing Grace so much and couldn’t cope with Steve trying to tell him his transfer was stupid. He’d yelled, and he’d threatened bodily harm, and he’d said that Steve should just leave him alone.
And now… now he doesn’t know whether to regret it or to be proud that he stuck to his decision. Because he has to admit that he really, truly misses Steve. Sometimes, when he’s at a crime scene, he turns around because he noticed something interesting and has a comment on the tip of his tongue… and there’s no Steve there. And his heart clenches painfully for just a moment. It’s just all so confusing because it’s hard to separate his professional anger and his absolute certainty that Steve can’t continue like this, that he can’t properly work with someone like that indefinitely, from his personal feelings.
It would be ridiculous, how Steve has become such a big and important part of his life that he feels adrift when the other is not there, even if it’s simply for some silly back-and-forth bantering, if it didn’t make him so sad all the time. With Grace gone as well there are moments he feels so terribly lonely that he’d like to cry. Which he knows is not fair because he still sees Kono often enough and Chin slightly less, but what can he do? His emotions are rarely rational, especially where Steve is concerned, but that’s a whole other can of worms he’s not touching with a ten-foot pole right now.
Speaking of the devil, there’s a knock at his door, and Danny suddenly remembers that he has another surfing lesson with Kono scheduled for today. So the weekend isn’t going to be a complete failure which makes him feel a tiny bit better.
“Hey Danny, you ready? Maybe we’ll even get into the water today.”
Kono breezes in without so much as a by your leave, hugging Danny tight for a moment and then kissing his cheek, and he loves her just a little bit for it.
“Yeah, gimme a sec to get my stuff. And I’ll have you know that my technique is perfect and that if we don’t try this in the water today, it’s probably the teacher’s fault.”
Kono simply laughs, and Danny can do nothing but join her, grabbing the bag he now specifically keeps for their outings to the beach and following her to the car.
----
Afterwards, and yes, Danny was in the water and even managed to stand up on his board - for about a second, but it still counts - they’re sitting on one of Kono’s big beach towels, eating a shave ice and letting the sun dry them off.
“So, how are you? And don’t say fine, or I’ll kick you back into the water,” Kono says after a few minutes of silence, giving him one of her penetrating stares.
Danny sighs and doesn’t even think of lying to her. Somehow, she’s become his confidante during the past few weeks, and he’s learned that talking to her actually helps at least a bit. Quite apart from the fact that she can see through him in a way that’s somewhat scary, but bodes really well for her future career.
“I’m… okay, I guess. I mean, I miss Gracie terribly, but that’s a given, right? We talk on the phone every day, but it’s just not the same. I only hope we’ll… I’ll catch a break soon, I want to see Foster behind bars. Other than that… Work is alright. My life expectancy’s increased by at least ten years now, and that’s… something. So yeah…”
Kono studies him for a moment, then puts a hand on his arm.
“You don’t look okay, Danny. Come on, tell me what’s going on in your head. You know you want to, you like talking.”
Danny gives her a small smile and wraps his arms around his bended knees. She knows him too well.
“It’s… it’s just all so confusing. Not working with you anymore, not seeing you all the time… How are you all anyway?”
Kono rolls her eyes, as if saying that she knows what he’s doing and is onto him, but he’s grateful when she answers anyway.
“We miss you, as I’ve told you before. Steve misses you somewhat awful, even if he’d never say it. You know what? He’s started reading the perps their Miranda rights. And he’s always asking Chin if he’s doing things right. It’s… sometimes it’s really sad to see him like this.”
Danny turns away from her and looks out at the glittering waves of the ocean, unable to voice his thoughts which are one cluttered mess. When he continues to remain silent, Kono scoots closer and puts her head on his shoulder.
“Why won’t you come back, Danny? Steve knows he made a big mistake, and he’s really sorry. If you returned… we could work on the case together again. I’m sure we could get Foster, put him away for good. Are you really still that angry with Steve?”
“Yes… no… It’s not just that, I…” Danny stutters, taking a deep breath and trying to corral his thoughts into a semblance of order. “Yes, I’m still angry Foster walked, and I’m angry Steve didn’t follow protocol. But… he’s done stuff like that before. And it’s not just that, it’s… Alright, I’m saying it, and you won’t repeat this to anyone ever or… or I’ll burn all your surfboards.
“It hurts, okay? It hurts that he doesn’t seem to take me seriously, that he just brushes me and my objections off, time and again, and that he makes fun of my training. I know. I know he probably doesn’t mean it like that, but that’s how it comes across. I’m a good cop, Kono, and I know what I’m doing. Would it be so hard for him to recognize that from time to time?”
Kono takes her time, obviously choosing her words carefully, and Danny is grateful that she isn’t flatly telling him that he’s crazy.
“Have you… have you ever told him you feel like that?”
“Are you kidding me? As if talking about that is my idea of a good time!”
Danny glances to the side, and she has that stubborn look on her face, the one that says that the unfortunate person who just crossed her path is going to regret it. He swallows hard and can’t help thinking that perhaps he’d like to be somewhere else right about now.
“I think you should. I mean, we both know Steve’s not very good at - what do you like to call it? Mammal-to-mammal interactions? I’m sure he has no idea that he’s upsetting you so much. So I’d say talk to him! And then let’s get back to normal. It’s really exhausting, you dejected, Steve moping around… Honestly, what’s a girl to do?”
Danny chuckles quietly and winds one of his arms around her shoulders, drawing her closer and pressing a kiss to her temple.
“You’re cute, you know that?”
She wrinkles her nose and sticks her tongue out at him, but joins in his laughter. Danny has to admit that he already feels much better than he did this morning.
“Nice, Williams, really nice. But seriously, don’t you think you could sit Steve down and have this all out in the open for once? He’s not stupid, I’m sure he’d get it. And you have to believe me that he’s really so, so sorry.”
“It’s not that easy, Kono,” Danny tells her, willing her to understand. “I don’t think this can be cleared up with just a conversation. And you know, sometimes a simple sorry isn’t enough. And then, even if we talked about this, things might still go back to exactly as they were before. I don’t know if I want to take that risk. I’ve honestly had enough of it.”
Kono huffs out a breath, as if she can’t believe how dense Danny is being, and for a moment he is insanely thankful that he has friends like her, who will be pushing and prodding him even when he doesn’t want them to just because they know he needs it.
“I think it could, and I’m still convinced you should talk to him. But alright, I’ll let it go for now. Just promise me you’ll think about it. And now…” She suddenly jumps up and holds out her hand to him, “let’s go. You owe me another shave ice.”
Danny lets her help tug him to his feet and tries to brush off all the sand, but is not very successful and doesn’t even want to think of all the places he’ll find it in this evening.
“I do? And why is that?”
“Because I’m awesome and because I’m sacrificing my time trying to teach a near-hopeless case how to surf,” she tells him with a mischievous smile as she packs up her towel, and Danny can do nothing but empty the rest of his water bottle over her head in retaliation and then run as fast as possible.
To his surprise, he’s feeling a lot more lighthearted, and though he doesn’t want to make any promises to her, he resolves to mull over what she’s said.
----
It happens about a week after his surfing lesson, and Danny doesn’t expect it at all. Which is only natural, no one ever expects something like that. It’s a routine interview, Danny and the detective with him - he doesn’t have a new partner yet - don’t notice anything amiss until the guy panics and produces a gun from somewhere.
After that, it’s complete chaos, the guy is shooting around aimlessly, and they have to dive for cover before there’s any chance to subdue him. Between concentrating on getting off a good shot and berating himself for missing the fact that they had a nervous, trigger-happy lunatic on their hands it takes a few seconds until the searing pain in his right leg registers with Danny.
He crashes to his knees, only just seeing Kai put down their perp before there’s nothing else he can focus on but the pain and the blood running down his leg and covering his hand when he lays it over the wound. As he’s sinking to the ground, he’s noting detachedly that there’s quite a lot of blood and asking himself if there shouldn’t be less. He can feel it’s a through-and-through, and it’s just his thigh.
Someone is shouting his name, but things are getting fuzzy really fast, and Danny has a feeling that he’d like to go to sleep right about now.
His last thought is, ‘Huh, so I also get shot when Steve’s not there. Figures, Fate’s a bitch.’
And then there’s only darkness.
TBC
Next Chapter
Author: silmanumenel
Disclaimer: Nothing in here belongs to me, all is property of CBS, and I’m also not making any money with this.
Rating: PG-13, for some language
Pairing: Danny/Steve, pre-slash, will turn into slash
Warnings: Angst
Word Count: Overall: ~17.500 - Chapter 2: 3.525
Summary: Danny is behaving strangely and no one knows why. When Steve finally finds out, he might not like the answers he gets.
Notes: This is more of a character introspection, Danny just likes to think a lot.
Chapter 1
It’s different, but Danny’s had to deal with enough changes in his life that he knows he’ll manage this as well. In fact, he’s even familiar with some of it because it’s pretty similar to how it was when he first came to Hawaii and started working for the HPD, only that now - to his surprise - there are actually more people talking to him. He wouldn’t have thought it possible, had more or less expected the opposite would be true, but it seems that exposing Kaleo as the mole helped with his standing in the department. Meka was very popular, and he’s heard through the grapevine that even though everyone was too afraid of IA to say anything at the time, they are more than happy that Meka’s name was cleared. So Danny’s more or less in their good books now, and despite the occasional ‘haole’ or the jabs at his continued persistence to dress as a mainlander, coming to the precinct is okay and not the hassle it was in the beginning.
The work is of course also different, a lot quieter, with significantly less gunfights and car chases and instead more witness interviews and yes, more paperwork, but he’s at least used to that, he did his own and Steve’s paperwork most of the time anyway. But that’s not something he likes thinking about, so he pushes it away and leans back against the armrest of his - for once folded up - couch, contemplating what he could possibly do during another empty weekend that stretches in front of him like molasses.
He doesn’t have Grace, hasn’t seen his Monkey in nearly seven weeks because she’s in England with her grandparents where Danny persuaded Rachel to go for the summer after the whole Foster thing went to hell in a handbasket. He doesn’t think he could go on living if something happened to her because they couldn’t get a conviction and Foster decided to enact revenge. He’s working the case on the side now, but completely by the book, his captain knows about it, painstakingly going through all the records again, trying to find new evidence, anything they might’ve overlooked that will be admissible and lead to an indictment. It’s not easy, Foster was nothing if not careful, but Danny certainly won’t give up, he owes it to Leilani and Satoko and Rebecca, and also to himself because he’s not deceiving himself into thinking that he’s blameless in all of this.
Sometimes he’s so angry with himself that he doesn’t know what to do with all that fury. He knows Steve, knows how he operates, knows about his complete inability to slow down and think when he’s geared up to go and focused on the target, so why, why didn’t he try harder to stop him? There’s a traitorous part of him telling him that he knows exactly why, that he couldn’t refuse Steve anything from the beginning, but that only makes him still angrier because look where it got him. He was trained to follow procedure, to stick to the rules so that justice could be done, and what happens? Along comes Steve and all his convictions get thrown out the window. And now he’s back to square one in a case that’s threatening to tear him apart, without the team that has become family for him.
He hates feeling so out of his depth, hates feeling as if he’s stranded somewhere without quite knowing what to do, and so he tries everything to ignore these sensations which really brings the biggest difference into focus - the one in himself. He’s not stupid, he notices what he is doing, notices that certain increased amount of starch in his shirts, notices that all the buttons are done up, that his ties are now all in a double instead of a half Windsor and that he doesn’t roll up his sleeves anymore.
And Danny is self-aware enough that he knows why he is doing it. He’s hiding, plain and simple. Hiding behind his clothes that so clearly set him apart from others, that tell everyone he’s not from here and would rather be anywhere else. They’re almost like an armor, protecting him from comments about the transfer, comments that might hit too close to the mark, and deflecting questions from nosy people who want to know what the falling-out was about because as soon as they see him, they usually tease him about his appearance and forget anything else they might’ve wanted to say. And then his clothes are helping him to create a certain image.
It’s easy after all to assume the persona of the blustering mainlander cop who hates pineapple on pizza, who has an opinion about anything and everything and is not afraid to share it loudly when you’re wearing the appropriate clothes to go along with that.
Perhaps that’s the coward’s way out, Danny’s not sure anymore, but he can’t help it. And alright, his mom always said that emotions were there to be expressed and that he should never be ashamed of what he’s feeling, but it’s a simple fact that some emotions are easier to express than others. Anger, for example, because he’s never seen the sense in holding back when he thinks someone’s being an idiot or refrained from telling someone when they’re pissing him off.
Affection’s also never been a problem for him. He comes from a large family where everybody always hugged everybody else or touched each other, and he can’t really remember a day during his childhood and teenage years that he wasn’t glomped by a sibling or a cousin or an aunt or his parents or his nana. And then he’s of course grown up with three sisters, and as their big brother he usually was the go-to guy when there was boyfriend trouble or unrequited love - yes, Shannon actually used that expression in a fit of 15-year-old melodrama - or any other kind of problem, which means he’s also no stranger to tears and emotional outbursts. It also means that it’s basically SOP for Danny to touch in order to show that he cares or listens or whatever, be it a hand on the arm, or an arm around the shoulder or a simple backslap.
He’s missed it since coming here, his family and their sheer presence in his life, even if it could sometimes be overwhelming, and he has to admit that during the first few months here, when the only person he got to hug was Grace, he felt horrible. Then of course came 5-0, and with it something - someone - completely new that made things all the more complicated for Danny.
Surprisingly enough it’s easiest with Kono because for all that she’s tough as nails and could kick his ass into next week without much effort, she’s also very affectionate and not shy about it. Perhaps because she comes from a similar, if not even larger family than Danny and understands what it’s like. Kono doesn’t even bat an eyelash when he slings an arm around her shoulder or leans against her during movie marathons or kisses her cheek after a job well done, and it’s almost like having a fourth little sister and goes a long way towards making Danny feel more at home in this strange, sunny place he now finds himself in.
Not surprisingly at all it’s hardest with Steve because he’s got to be the most closed off person Danny’s ever met. Sometimes Danny gets this vibe - and yes, he knows how stupid that sounds - that Steve wants to open up, but just can’t because of all the shit he’s gone through and the training he’s had. Danny actually thought they were getting somewhere, the electricity between them was undeniable, and it’s quite telling when even a convict in prison asks you how long you’ve been married, but…
Danny shakes his head resolutely, pushing these kinds of thoughts away. They’re getting him nowhere, and it’s not as if he hasn’t thought about this enough during the past few weeks. This, if he is completely honest with himself which he usually tries to be because self-delusion never helped anyone, is probably true the reason for all his hiding and his new clothing choices. These feelings that he’s having, this strange mix of anger and hurt and sadness, and that he wants no one to see because it’s nobody’s business but his own.
His first reaction when he thinks about the Foster Fiasco - as he’s taken to calling it - is most often still blind fury. How could Steve have been so monumentally stupid? Why did he not listen to Danny? Why could he not get it into his stubborn head that his immunity and means did not extend to the courts, and that the judges could - and would, as they’d painfully seen now - throw their cases out when they didn’t follow the letter of the law? Is he so much of an adrenaline junkie that he doesn’t care what happens after the gunfire ceases and the perps are arrested? It was always ‘book ‘em, Danno’ after all, Danny isn’t even sure whether Steve’s ever completed the whole processes of booking an offender by himself.
But it still always comes back to this one question: Why hadn’t Steve listened to him? And that hurts more than he likes to acknowledge because it makes him feel… unimportant. As if Steve doesn’t care one whit about what his opinion or his objections are. As if he doesn’t respect Danny at all. Which, alright, is most likely not true, but Danny can’t help feeling like it. Steve can be obstinate as hell and usually insists on doing things his way, but just once Danny would like to hear him say something along the lines of, ‘Okay, I’ve heard what you said, I don’t really agree, but you might have a point’. And perhaps they could reach a compromise or something.
That’s not likely to happen though, as Danny’s not even sure Steve knows the meaning of the word ‘compromise’, and then… he transferred after all, didn’t he?
Danny hasn’t seen Steve in more than six weeks, since Steve showed up at his apartment about a week after Grace left to convince him to return and he flipped out completely. He had still been so angry and had been missing Grace so much and couldn’t cope with Steve trying to tell him his transfer was stupid. He’d yelled, and he’d threatened bodily harm, and he’d said that Steve should just leave him alone.
And now… now he doesn’t know whether to regret it or to be proud that he stuck to his decision. Because he has to admit that he really, truly misses Steve. Sometimes, when he’s at a crime scene, he turns around because he noticed something interesting and has a comment on the tip of his tongue… and there’s no Steve there. And his heart clenches painfully for just a moment. It’s just all so confusing because it’s hard to separate his professional anger and his absolute certainty that Steve can’t continue like this, that he can’t properly work with someone like that indefinitely, from his personal feelings.
It would be ridiculous, how Steve has become such a big and important part of his life that he feels adrift when the other is not there, even if it’s simply for some silly back-and-forth bantering, if it didn’t make him so sad all the time. With Grace gone as well there are moments he feels so terribly lonely that he’d like to cry. Which he knows is not fair because he still sees Kono often enough and Chin slightly less, but what can he do? His emotions are rarely rational, especially where Steve is concerned, but that’s a whole other can of worms he’s not touching with a ten-foot pole right now.
Speaking of the devil, there’s a knock at his door, and Danny suddenly remembers that he has another surfing lesson with Kono scheduled for today. So the weekend isn’t going to be a complete failure which makes him feel a tiny bit better.
“Hey Danny, you ready? Maybe we’ll even get into the water today.”
Kono breezes in without so much as a by your leave, hugging Danny tight for a moment and then kissing his cheek, and he loves her just a little bit for it.
“Yeah, gimme a sec to get my stuff. And I’ll have you know that my technique is perfect and that if we don’t try this in the water today, it’s probably the teacher’s fault.”
Kono simply laughs, and Danny can do nothing but join her, grabbing the bag he now specifically keeps for their outings to the beach and following her to the car.
----
Afterwards, and yes, Danny was in the water and even managed to stand up on his board - for about a second, but it still counts - they’re sitting on one of Kono’s big beach towels, eating a shave ice and letting the sun dry them off.
“So, how are you? And don’t say fine, or I’ll kick you back into the water,” Kono says after a few minutes of silence, giving him one of her penetrating stares.
Danny sighs and doesn’t even think of lying to her. Somehow, she’s become his confidante during the past few weeks, and he’s learned that talking to her actually helps at least a bit. Quite apart from the fact that she can see through him in a way that’s somewhat scary, but bodes really well for her future career.
“I’m… okay, I guess. I mean, I miss Gracie terribly, but that’s a given, right? We talk on the phone every day, but it’s just not the same. I only hope we’ll… I’ll catch a break soon, I want to see Foster behind bars. Other than that… Work is alright. My life expectancy’s increased by at least ten years now, and that’s… something. So yeah…”
Kono studies him for a moment, then puts a hand on his arm.
“You don’t look okay, Danny. Come on, tell me what’s going on in your head. You know you want to, you like talking.”
Danny gives her a small smile and wraps his arms around his bended knees. She knows him too well.
“It’s… it’s just all so confusing. Not working with you anymore, not seeing you all the time… How are you all anyway?”
Kono rolls her eyes, as if saying that she knows what he’s doing and is onto him, but he’s grateful when she answers anyway.
“We miss you, as I’ve told you before. Steve misses you somewhat awful, even if he’d never say it. You know what? He’s started reading the perps their Miranda rights. And he’s always asking Chin if he’s doing things right. It’s… sometimes it’s really sad to see him like this.”
Danny turns away from her and looks out at the glittering waves of the ocean, unable to voice his thoughts which are one cluttered mess. When he continues to remain silent, Kono scoots closer and puts her head on his shoulder.
“Why won’t you come back, Danny? Steve knows he made a big mistake, and he’s really sorry. If you returned… we could work on the case together again. I’m sure we could get Foster, put him away for good. Are you really still that angry with Steve?”
“Yes… no… It’s not just that, I…” Danny stutters, taking a deep breath and trying to corral his thoughts into a semblance of order. “Yes, I’m still angry Foster walked, and I’m angry Steve didn’t follow protocol. But… he’s done stuff like that before. And it’s not just that, it’s… Alright, I’m saying it, and you won’t repeat this to anyone ever or… or I’ll burn all your surfboards.
“It hurts, okay? It hurts that he doesn’t seem to take me seriously, that he just brushes me and my objections off, time and again, and that he makes fun of my training. I know. I know he probably doesn’t mean it like that, but that’s how it comes across. I’m a good cop, Kono, and I know what I’m doing. Would it be so hard for him to recognize that from time to time?”
Kono takes her time, obviously choosing her words carefully, and Danny is grateful that she isn’t flatly telling him that he’s crazy.
“Have you… have you ever told him you feel like that?”
“Are you kidding me? As if talking about that is my idea of a good time!”
Danny glances to the side, and she has that stubborn look on her face, the one that says that the unfortunate person who just crossed her path is going to regret it. He swallows hard and can’t help thinking that perhaps he’d like to be somewhere else right about now.
“I think you should. I mean, we both know Steve’s not very good at - what do you like to call it? Mammal-to-mammal interactions? I’m sure he has no idea that he’s upsetting you so much. So I’d say talk to him! And then let’s get back to normal. It’s really exhausting, you dejected, Steve moping around… Honestly, what’s a girl to do?”
Danny chuckles quietly and winds one of his arms around her shoulders, drawing her closer and pressing a kiss to her temple.
“You’re cute, you know that?”
She wrinkles her nose and sticks her tongue out at him, but joins in his laughter. Danny has to admit that he already feels much better than he did this morning.
“Nice, Williams, really nice. But seriously, don’t you think you could sit Steve down and have this all out in the open for once? He’s not stupid, I’m sure he’d get it. And you have to believe me that he’s really so, so sorry.”
“It’s not that easy, Kono,” Danny tells her, willing her to understand. “I don’t think this can be cleared up with just a conversation. And you know, sometimes a simple sorry isn’t enough. And then, even if we talked about this, things might still go back to exactly as they were before. I don’t know if I want to take that risk. I’ve honestly had enough of it.”
Kono huffs out a breath, as if she can’t believe how dense Danny is being, and for a moment he is insanely thankful that he has friends like her, who will be pushing and prodding him even when he doesn’t want them to just because they know he needs it.
“I think it could, and I’m still convinced you should talk to him. But alright, I’ll let it go for now. Just promise me you’ll think about it. And now…” She suddenly jumps up and holds out her hand to him, “let’s go. You owe me another shave ice.”
Danny lets her help tug him to his feet and tries to brush off all the sand, but is not very successful and doesn’t even want to think of all the places he’ll find it in this evening.
“I do? And why is that?”
“Because I’m awesome and because I’m sacrificing my time trying to teach a near-hopeless case how to surf,” she tells him with a mischievous smile as she packs up her towel, and Danny can do nothing but empty the rest of his water bottle over her head in retaliation and then run as fast as possible.
To his surprise, he’s feeling a lot more lighthearted, and though he doesn’t want to make any promises to her, he resolves to mull over what she’s said.
----
It happens about a week after his surfing lesson, and Danny doesn’t expect it at all. Which is only natural, no one ever expects something like that. It’s a routine interview, Danny and the detective with him - he doesn’t have a new partner yet - don’t notice anything amiss until the guy panics and produces a gun from somewhere.
After that, it’s complete chaos, the guy is shooting around aimlessly, and they have to dive for cover before there’s any chance to subdue him. Between concentrating on getting off a good shot and berating himself for missing the fact that they had a nervous, trigger-happy lunatic on their hands it takes a few seconds until the searing pain in his right leg registers with Danny.
He crashes to his knees, only just seeing Kai put down their perp before there’s nothing else he can focus on but the pain and the blood running down his leg and covering his hand when he lays it over the wound. As he’s sinking to the ground, he’s noting detachedly that there’s quite a lot of blood and asking himself if there shouldn’t be less. He can feel it’s a through-and-through, and it’s just his thigh.
Someone is shouting his name, but things are getting fuzzy really fast, and Danny has a feeling that he’d like to go to sleep right about now.
His last thought is, ‘Huh, so I also get shot when Steve’s not there. Figures, Fate’s a bitch.’
And then there’s only darkness.
TBC
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