(no subject)
As I've already said, I feel like I'm here for no particular reason.
This overwhelming sence of losing time hit me extremely hard this morning in Fundamentals of Music. I hate this class with a passion more vehement than I could possibly fathom, and as I sat there, looking down at my deplorable test grade, I thought to myself, "Who gives a fuck? This has nothing to do with the rest of my life. Why do I care and why am I doing this?"
This is a question that most people answer for themselves with "I'm doing this because I want a good job and to be educated." So, I thought about it, because I almost answered myself the same way. I thought about the "good job" and the "educated" and I realized that I feel like I'm in high school all over again, working towards nothing in particular and blindly fed the belief that this information is important. The "good job" I feel like I'm working for is some stupid ass generic job that they are going to plug me into that I will pretend to enjoy. I hate this thought.
When I consider my fantasies about the rest of my life, they are almost entirely intangable on the track which I am currently riding. The biggest question is how do I get where I want? Everything I'm doing now could not be less relevent.
I'm stuck in a stupid, immature job that I hate. I don't hate it meaning that I cannot stand to be inside the walls, I mean it in that I'm stuck with people who don't understand me, doing work that I have no interest in for no reason besides a little cash. When I work, I want to achieve something. This job will never achieve anything. When I quit, I will not have reached any new development in my life. Similarly, while I am there, I am surrounded by people who are stuck in the same dead end position, only they don't realize it. They mistake the things they do for important and meaningful...neither of these is true.
Everytime I think about where and who I want to be in four years....I realize that it's nowhere I'm headed right now. How do I get there?
I am bound here, and I hate every second of it.
rachel
This overwhelming sence of losing time hit me extremely hard this morning in Fundamentals of Music. I hate this class with a passion more vehement than I could possibly fathom, and as I sat there, looking down at my deplorable test grade, I thought to myself, "Who gives a fuck? This has nothing to do with the rest of my life. Why do I care and why am I doing this?"
This is a question that most people answer for themselves with "I'm doing this because I want a good job and to be educated." So, I thought about it, because I almost answered myself the same way. I thought about the "good job" and the "educated" and I realized that I feel like I'm in high school all over again, working towards nothing in particular and blindly fed the belief that this information is important. The "good job" I feel like I'm working for is some stupid ass generic job that they are going to plug me into that I will pretend to enjoy. I hate this thought.
When I consider my fantasies about the rest of my life, they are almost entirely intangable on the track which I am currently riding. The biggest question is how do I get where I want? Everything I'm doing now could not be less relevent.
I'm stuck in a stupid, immature job that I hate. I don't hate it meaning that I cannot stand to be inside the walls, I mean it in that I'm stuck with people who don't understand me, doing work that I have no interest in for no reason besides a little cash. When I work, I want to achieve something. This job will never achieve anything. When I quit, I will not have reached any new development in my life. Similarly, while I am there, I am surrounded by people who are stuck in the same dead end position, only they don't realize it. They mistake the things they do for important and meaningful...neither of these is true.
Everytime I think about where and who I want to be in four years....I realize that it's nowhere I'm headed right now. How do I get there?
I am bound here, and I hate every second of it.
rachel