an update
Dear Journal,
i dont know why i dont update as much as i used to... i would love to say its because im soooooo busy but that is far from the truth... i guess the truth is that some of the things i have had on my mind are a bit too personal for this journal and i know who reads it and so thats what my psesonal journal (comp nb and pen) and my poetry book is for also i have my best friend to vent to...
i dont know lately i just feel like i dont fit in. i feel like i could stand in the middle of campus and scream and no one would even lift an eye brow... friday ralph asked me if i knew some kid and i said no because i dont socialize wit ne one... he asked me why and i said its because im here to go to school and not to make friends... i pretend it doesnt bother me but it really does... maybe its all on me maybe i need to do what is evry1 else does... thats going to parties and and being care free... but thats not who i am... and there is nothing here that i can get involved in so that sucks and to top it all off... this semester i have 3 night classes 3 nights in a row... so ne time so socialize has been taken away because of that...blah
2 weeks and 1 day till justin comes home... yay! that means spring break is right around the corner...
apex has a regional in trenton this weekend but i have to stay home for roberts 3rd bday... maybe ill give him his gifts and then leave... but next weekend they have a show at kingsway and im helping out at that show...
speaking of the kids... robert is in his terrible years (2 & 3) so right now we are dealing with the temper tantrums and he is learning that the tantrums get him his way so thats fun cuz all i hear is "crissy hes only 3" i hate that i worked with 2 yr olds that have better manners and dont throw nearly as many tantrums as this kid does... it kinda bothers me that cathy and tiffany dont feel that im gonna be a good teacher... they say its because i cant deal with robert... but they seem to forget that ive raised 2 kids and worked with kids between the ages of 2 and 13 for the past 5 years... and not to mention the kids i teach in guard thats the ages 10-21... but no i should look into something else beause robert is spoiled... it bothers me that i walk around every day doubting myself because nobody believes in me... the only person that believes in me is justin and to be quite honest that really doesnt make me feel ne better... riley on the other hand is easier to work with because hes younger
we saw lydia on saturday... and she decided that it would be a good idea to get in the car with us and she was durnk and high... and i wanted to kill her... why me... yes i love my sister simply because she is my sister... but i hate her so much for the lies and her selfishness... i hate the fact that people are so willing to help her and she doesnt even appreicate it... all she does is hurt people even more... i know she tricked and im worried in the off chance that she does go into a rehab and somehow cleans herself up im going to find out that shes dying of aids... were all the drugs and lies worth it... it makes me so angry and it really hurts me so much that the one person i looked up to and loved so much left me... she promised me that she would never leave me and she did...
i wish i could be more true to myself... i wish that i could let myself feel... i wish i could let everything go... i wish i could put my feelings before everyoneelse... i wish i could go back to the time when i wasnt this numb...
well i guess thats all for now ill write later
kisses
cristina
8th semester of college
i dont know why i dont update as much as i used to... i would love to say its because im soooooo busy but that is far from the truth... i guess the truth is that some of the things i have had on my mind are a bit too personal for this journal and i know who reads it and so thats what my psesonal journal (comp nb and pen) and my poetry book is for also i have my best friend to vent to...
i dont know lately i just feel like i dont fit in. i feel like i could stand in the middle of campus and scream and no one would even lift an eye brow... friday ralph asked me if i knew some kid and i said no because i dont socialize wit ne one... he asked me why and i said its because im here to go to school and not to make friends... i pretend it doesnt bother me but it really does... maybe its all on me maybe i need to do what is evry1 else does... thats going to parties and and being care free... but thats not who i am... and there is nothing here that i can get involved in so that sucks and to top it all off... this semester i have 3 night classes 3 nights in a row... so ne time so socialize has been taken away because of that...blah
2 weeks and 1 day till justin comes home... yay! that means spring break is right around the corner...
apex has a regional in trenton this weekend but i have to stay home for roberts 3rd bday... maybe ill give him his gifts and then leave... but next weekend they have a show at kingsway and im helping out at that show...
speaking of the kids... robert is in his terrible years (2 & 3) so right now we are dealing with the temper tantrums and he is learning that the tantrums get him his way so thats fun cuz all i hear is "crissy hes only 3" i hate that i worked with 2 yr olds that have better manners and dont throw nearly as many tantrums as this kid does... it kinda bothers me that cathy and tiffany dont feel that im gonna be a good teacher... they say its because i cant deal with robert... but they seem to forget that ive raised 2 kids and worked with kids between the ages of 2 and 13 for the past 5 years... and not to mention the kids i teach in guard thats the ages 10-21... but no i should look into something else beause robert is spoiled... it bothers me that i walk around every day doubting myself because nobody believes in me... the only person that believes in me is justin and to be quite honest that really doesnt make me feel ne better... riley on the other hand is easier to work with because hes younger
we saw lydia on saturday... and she decided that it would be a good idea to get in the car with us and she was durnk and high... and i wanted to kill her... why me... yes i love my sister simply because she is my sister... but i hate her so much for the lies and her selfishness... i hate the fact that people are so willing to help her and she doesnt even appreicate it... all she does is hurt people even more... i know she tricked and im worried in the off chance that she does go into a rehab and somehow cleans herself up im going to find out that shes dying of aids... were all the drugs and lies worth it... it makes me so angry and it really hurts me so much that the one person i looked up to and loved so much left me... she promised me that she would never leave me and she did...
i wish i could be more true to myself... i wish that i could let myself feel... i wish i could let everything go... i wish i could put my feelings before everyoneelse... i wish i could go back to the time when i wasnt this numb...
well i guess thats all for now ill write later
kisses
cristina
8th semester of college