broken heart bleeding on all that is pure

[sillysot]

I'm torn broken hearted and the most ubset that I have been in a long time, I need to get a job but getting up in the morning is so fucking hard I just want to die or crawl in to the darkness inside and fuck the outside world. But I can't give up on myself It's just so hard I don't know how I'm going to do it but I have to if I ever want to be happy again. I've started I guess I've quit smoking pot but it's only been a couple of days and that doesn't mean much and I can't even go a couple of days without a cigaret. But I'm trying. Every time I hear a song it reminds me of julie everytime I see a girl walking past I see Julie walking away from me...god it's hard. A friend of mine put things in perspective for me though he asked if I loved her, I said yes he asked if I want to spend the rest of my life with her I said yes he asked if I enjoyed the time I spent with her more then the time I spent smoking pot and I said yes and his responce was well why aren't you doing everything in your ability and more to get her back. It's sad that I had to have it spelled out for me like that but none the less it helped galvinize me to act... no more feeling sorry for myself I'm going to do this

I love you Julie (if you happen to read this)
and I will fight for that love with all I have

Brandon