would it be okay if i just talked for a while...
Do you ever sometimes feel sick like something is bothering you.. Like something is constantly in the back of your head, like its an object, just weighing down the back of your head, giving you this awesome headache, and making you dizzy when you look in too many directions? i feel like that. i just dont know what the problem is, nothing's exactly wrong at all. i just keep thinking about something, and it isnt important, its just something. i think everybody gets those somethings, that arent really important, but are really heavy to think about. Especially those somethings that aren't a strict topic, like when one thought hits another and then you somehow have this amazing memory and youre retracing every word you could have said or could have been said to you 3 years ago, and then wondering if you'd chosen different ones, would you have the headache you're having right now? Maybe I'm just waiting for something amazing to happen to me, and have it give me 1000 words to write down, and lots of nights to sleep sound through. maybe something amazing already has, and I just havent realized it. Right now i think im just questioning too large a number of decisions i've made, to make sense of what it is im trying to accomplish, by writing and typing away in my trendy little livejournal until i feel secure with the last sentence i write.
See, I've got this handful of things. they arent really things, they're just memories of bad things that have happened. they are reasonably awful memories, and the way i thouroughly re-think them years later is probably ridiculously unhealthy. I find myself missing summer, even in july. I feel sick at the thought of -september-. the thought of sitting through a hundred classes a day, a hundred minutes a piece, and having no art 112, no stained glass to go to in place of an awful class, it makes me cry and its ridiculous. I'm just waiting through march every day of my life. and im just staying up too late to wake up in the morning, and taking for granted something beautiful. i think i'd give anything to wake up 3 years ago, even after everything had happened. i'd have it all happen anyways and i'd wake up at 4:00 am not sleeping and take the walk i walked outside the condo and sit on that same rock, and watch the sky and feel 100% beautiful. Because the sky is always there in san diego. That day, i was alive at the worst time i ever had in my life, watching the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. and it was warm at night, and you have to come with me.
Sometimes i wonder, if i hadn't gotten sick that once after many times of eating tuna, would i still be allergic to it? Or if my bustop wasnt switched, would i have met ricky? or if i hadn't started smoking, would i have met charlie that day? If i had said more than "thank you" the last time i saw him, could i have seen him again? If i hadnt given him jon a hug, would he have let me just go back up the stairs? If i had bought that prom dress that day, would i still be with tom? i wonder if i would feel better if i'd watched fight club instead of recounting my handful of decisions in paragraphs.
Who'd have thought i'd miss that day. That day we spent all alone, just me and you in my head. That day i couldnt keep my head straight and talked until it fell off.