random out of nowhere psychopost
okay so i need to vent, i probably won't even post this, but if i do most people who read it are so minute to me that i haven't even bothered speaking to them in years. i feel godawful. like.. i feel the exact same way as i did when luc and i broke up (ossh i haven't posted since we've been dating, yeah not an item anymore) though i'm not breaking up with anyone. i have that same shaky nervous feeling that i felt when i cried in his arms that night soaking his clothes in my salty weakness. i don't think it was pain so much as fear. i didn't know then how to live without him, and now i just don't know how to live.
all these random melancholy feelings of course revolve around a boy. that's obvious, i mean look at my entire profile, all my blogs, it's all about some guy or another kissing mike, flirting with john, the beginning with luc, always about boys. but none of them really hit me this hard. i've never been this shaken by my emotions, it's not like me.
for those of you who know me, and those of you who don't know my well, i'm a cynical, dark, outladish bitch. i know everything all the time, i'm always right and if you're below me, which i honestly usually feel like most of you are, i won't bother with you. let's face it kids, i'm a cunt. it took me less than twenty four hours to get over the thensaid love of my life, and through every other breakup, i didn't even flinch. but now, just the idea of feeling the way i do brings me almost to tears.
he's typical, younger and inconviently placed in jersey, aka drama i don't need in my epic day to day. he's my best friend's psudeo boyfriend's step brother who i saw on the internet because acutely infatuated with and mentioned to chris, it became a joke. "going to fuckkk your step brother and his hot ass" "gunna rail him to peices" "damnnnn what a hottie." typical priscilla shit. i didn't even expect to like him. when i met him it took me a while to warm up to him, but by the second night i couldn't keep my hands off him, also and incredibly non me thing. i, the girl who flinches and gets up and walks away when being touched, touched by men i've been with for obscenely long times, the kind who i've trusted myself with, the kind who i've told i loved, canoodling with a stranger? should have been the first sign, should have stopped it there. it only got worse.
hour long phone calls at night turned into two hour long ones, to three to five to good morning calls as well. i honest to god felt like i would bust if i had to wait any longer to see him again. i picked him up saturday and it was a little uncomfortable being in the car with him and my fam on my way to my bro's bball game after spending two weeks pouring my heart out on the phone to someone, but things progressively got better.
"tell me something"
"like how i'm going to fuck you?" okay, his response freaked me out a little, and it only pissed me off about an hour later when he was on the phone and asked chris to give him a ride home. i kind of felt like the two things correlated from me telling him that we weren't going to have sex to him not feeling too hot about spending the night. i got over it.
at like fourish chris came by we drove around for a bit matt asked if he should go home i told him probably not. he stayed, under the pretence of no sex, i'm not sure if he really wanted to or not, but things progressed as the night went on, kissing, handcuffs, touching, sex. i wouldn't be me if i kept my word.
it was needless to say that he was perfect, maybe i wouldn't feel like this if he wasn't, everything about touching him excited me above and beyond anything else i could possibly think of, his lips, his movement, the way he raun his hands over my skin, perfection. i hate it.
more kissing, hugging and laying there after the fact, touching his hair, smelling his skin, falling asleep in his sweatshirt. and of course the next morning, seeing him there again, it just felt so right, too right.
so right that it petrifies every part of me. everytime i breathe i feel like i'm fucking it up, it's like walking on broken glass.
i went to see him today at his dad's before he went home, we watched a movie, made fun of each other, watched videos on youtube, nothing major. everytime i kissed him i felt this overwhelming unexplainable feeling like i wanted to just hug him forever but was of course scared to, his father is already incredibly unimpressed with me since he slept over my house without permission, and got caught. it's just like, not me at all. he let me read his notebooks, he writes, he writes a lot, he writes better than me, it kind of meant a lot to me, it made me just want to hug him more.
it's like everytime he opens his mouth intellegence oozes out and i can't find the language to put the words together for a second to explain how i feel, and even if i did would he want to hear them? after all.. wasn't he set on leaving when he found out sex wasn't involved?
i'm not sure anymore, all i know is that i miss the uncertainty of not caring enough, putting your emotions out there is fucking scary.
all these random melancholy feelings of course revolve around a boy. that's obvious, i mean look at my entire profile, all my blogs, it's all about some guy or another kissing mike, flirting with john, the beginning with luc, always about boys. but none of them really hit me this hard. i've never been this shaken by my emotions, it's not like me.
for those of you who know me, and those of you who don't know my well, i'm a cynical, dark, outladish bitch. i know everything all the time, i'm always right and if you're below me, which i honestly usually feel like most of you are, i won't bother with you. let's face it kids, i'm a cunt. it took me less than twenty four hours to get over the thensaid love of my life, and through every other breakup, i didn't even flinch. but now, just the idea of feeling the way i do brings me almost to tears.
he's typical, younger and inconviently placed in jersey, aka drama i don't need in my epic day to day. he's my best friend's psudeo boyfriend's step brother who i saw on the internet because acutely infatuated with and mentioned to chris, it became a joke. "going to fuckkk your step brother and his hot ass" "gunna rail him to peices" "damnnnn what a hottie." typical priscilla shit. i didn't even expect to like him. when i met him it took me a while to warm up to him, but by the second night i couldn't keep my hands off him, also and incredibly non me thing. i, the girl who flinches and gets up and walks away when being touched, touched by men i've been with for obscenely long times, the kind who i've trusted myself with, the kind who i've told i loved, canoodling with a stranger? should have been the first sign, should have stopped it there. it only got worse.
hour long phone calls at night turned into two hour long ones, to three to five to good morning calls as well. i honest to god felt like i would bust if i had to wait any longer to see him again. i picked him up saturday and it was a little uncomfortable being in the car with him and my fam on my way to my bro's bball game after spending two weeks pouring my heart out on the phone to someone, but things progressively got better.
"tell me something"
"like how i'm going to fuck you?" okay, his response freaked me out a little, and it only pissed me off about an hour later when he was on the phone and asked chris to give him a ride home. i kind of felt like the two things correlated from me telling him that we weren't going to have sex to him not feeling too hot about spending the night. i got over it.
at like fourish chris came by we drove around for a bit matt asked if he should go home i told him probably not. he stayed, under the pretence of no sex, i'm not sure if he really wanted to or not, but things progressed as the night went on, kissing, handcuffs, touching, sex. i wouldn't be me if i kept my word.
it was needless to say that he was perfect, maybe i wouldn't feel like this if he wasn't, everything about touching him excited me above and beyond anything else i could possibly think of, his lips, his movement, the way he raun his hands over my skin, perfection. i hate it.
more kissing, hugging and laying there after the fact, touching his hair, smelling his skin, falling asleep in his sweatshirt. and of course the next morning, seeing him there again, it just felt so right, too right.
so right that it petrifies every part of me. everytime i breathe i feel like i'm fucking it up, it's like walking on broken glass.
i went to see him today at his dad's before he went home, we watched a movie, made fun of each other, watched videos on youtube, nothing major. everytime i kissed him i felt this overwhelming unexplainable feeling like i wanted to just hug him forever but was of course scared to, his father is already incredibly unimpressed with me since he slept over my house without permission, and got caught. it's just like, not me at all. he let me read his notebooks, he writes, he writes a lot, he writes better than me, it kind of meant a lot to me, it made me just want to hug him more.
it's like everytime he opens his mouth intellegence oozes out and i can't find the language to put the words together for a second to explain how i feel, and even if i did would he want to hear them? after all.. wasn't he set on leaving when he found out sex wasn't involved?
i'm not sure anymore, all i know is that i miss the uncertainty of not caring enough, putting your emotions out there is fucking scary.