i think about love more than anyone ever should

[sillyrabbittrix]

do you think you wake up one day and you're happy?
all of a sudden?
or maybe do you wake up knowing exactly how to make yourself happy?

i can't ever imagine that

right now you're making me miserable... and i want to tell you...

i want to say how fragile i feel about everything
thursday cant come soon enough

i keep thinking that i'd be very satisfied if you never felt happy again... that that would be ok by me... its not true... i dont want you to never be happy... i just dont want to see it happen

i kinda dont want to see any of you happy... right now... its just too much for me...

i want to shake all thoughts of you out of my head... i've done such a good job of that this past week or so... but not right now... not today...
i want to talk but i dont want to say anything... or hear anything
i want to watch a film... but not a happy film... and not a sad film... not a funny one... or a violent one... i dont want to be scared by it... or bored by it... i dont want to dance or sing... i want to watch a film so that i can stop thinking for just a while

what happens if thursday is a disappointment... what the fuck do i do?
at least if thursday brings good news... a pleasant surprise... at least then i can spend the next year preparing my MA application

i just want to stop thinking for a little while...