(no subject)
i feel so confused
i dont think im pissed off at my flat mates... i bought margarine yesterday and woke up to find 'someone' had opened it and used it... so i texted 'someone' to remind them to buy lurpak on their way home because they seemed to have run out...
ive been feeling so lost for so long though... theres something in the air i think
so it wasnt even that when i walked home from the cinema with my head phones on really loud because i couldnt bare to listens to all the couples who seemed to really need to walk near me and talk very loudly... it wasnt that when i got into the flat i still didnt want to talk to anymore... or the fact ric saw me come in and followed me to the door of my room making me take my head phones out so he could tell me he used some of my balsamic vinegar 'is that ok? i'll buy you some more' and then i stood there and sighed... with my foot propping the door open as he stood in the way and he asked me if i was 'ok?' and i couldnt answer him so i just 'hmmed' at him... and he looked at me... and i asked him what he wanted me to say 'well... are you ok?' 'yea... sure'
its not margarine or balsamic vinegar ric... im sorry it just isnt... not really... i wish it was... because then i know what i'd do to fix it... move my food into my bedroom... buy a mini fridge... if it was margarine and balsamic vinegar i'd hide away from the flat completely... but its not that... its so much bigger than that
its realising you've spent the last 5 years of your life wasting you're time doing something you'll never really be very good at... its the paranoia that brings with it... its feeling like you dont belong in your own skin... its dying for someone to be able to tell you what you need to do... and dying a little bit inside when you realise noone else CAN tell you what to do... you're just meant to know... its not being able to sleep because you dont know what your lifes passion is... and its not being able to get out of bed for fear of having to face the decisions in life you've made
and its empty beds and not being able to tell you what to do... because i know you feel exactly the same and theres nothing i can do for you... its the hairdresser cutting my fringe wonky and too short... its hormones... its not hearing from you again...
its needing a hug and having to wait another week... and its wanting not to cry anymore...
i dont think im pissed off at my flat mates... i bought margarine yesterday and woke up to find 'someone' had opened it and used it... so i texted 'someone' to remind them to buy lurpak on their way home because they seemed to have run out...
ive been feeling so lost for so long though... theres something in the air i think
so it wasnt even that when i walked home from the cinema with my head phones on really loud because i couldnt bare to listens to all the couples who seemed to really need to walk near me and talk very loudly... it wasnt that when i got into the flat i still didnt want to talk to anymore... or the fact ric saw me come in and followed me to the door of my room making me take my head phones out so he could tell me he used some of my balsamic vinegar 'is that ok? i'll buy you some more' and then i stood there and sighed... with my foot propping the door open as he stood in the way and he asked me if i was 'ok?' and i couldnt answer him so i just 'hmmed' at him... and he looked at me... and i asked him what he wanted me to say 'well... are you ok?' 'yea... sure'
its not margarine or balsamic vinegar ric... im sorry it just isnt... not really... i wish it was... because then i know what i'd do to fix it... move my food into my bedroom... buy a mini fridge... if it was margarine and balsamic vinegar i'd hide away from the flat completely... but its not that... its so much bigger than that
its realising you've spent the last 5 years of your life wasting you're time doing something you'll never really be very good at... its the paranoia that brings with it... its feeling like you dont belong in your own skin... its dying for someone to be able to tell you what you need to do... and dying a little bit inside when you realise noone else CAN tell you what to do... you're just meant to know... its not being able to sleep because you dont know what your lifes passion is... and its not being able to get out of bed for fear of having to face the decisions in life you've made
and its empty beds and not being able to tell you what to do... because i know you feel exactly the same and theres nothing i can do for you... its the hairdresser cutting my fringe wonky and too short... its hormones... its not hearing from you again...
its needing a hug and having to wait another week... and its wanting not to cry anymore...