i talk to god but the sky is empty
i feel like im losing it... again...
i keep making filtered posts and then making them private...
i keep answering the phone when he calls
i keep not doing work
today i finished series 2 of greys anatomy... just 10 minutes ago actually... and now ive got no excuse... not really
it feels like what im doing here is purposefully confusing myself
i feel like im trying to hurt myself in the most drawn out way
i feel like im dragging people down with me
and i just dont want to
i threw a strop on saturday night because i am childish and selfish and a horrible person
truthfully? and i love you and you deserve the truth no matter how ashamed i am of it...
i thought you were mad at me because i was flirting
i was mad at me because i was flirting
i was mad at me because im not sure how not to flirt
but in the same breath i felt neglected...
i was mad at me because on YOUR day... which you kindly invited me to... i couldnt help but try to take peoples attention
i was mad at me because when i realised this i was so horribly bad at covering that up
and i know you probably dont remember that but i cant help but feel bad about it
and why the fuck do i keep answering the phone?!
its 2am
its not like he's even sober
i dont really know what im getting myself into... at all
i might just write christmas off completely... i dont want anything to do with it this year
i dont want to see my friends or have responsibilities... i want to wake up at 12 and make crumpets and then spend the afternoon flicking through the digital channels
i dont want to catch up because then i'll have to lie again
and im tired of lying...
uni isnt going well...
i feel alienated from my flat mates
im not a very good friend at all
and im a horrible immoral person
not to mention paranoid... attention seeking... and self pittying
and its all my own fault
i keep making filtered posts and then making them private...
i keep answering the phone when he calls
i keep not doing work
today i finished series 2 of greys anatomy... just 10 minutes ago actually... and now ive got no excuse... not really
it feels like what im doing here is purposefully confusing myself
i feel like im trying to hurt myself in the most drawn out way
i feel like im dragging people down with me
and i just dont want to
i threw a strop on saturday night because i am childish and selfish and a horrible person
truthfully? and i love you and you deserve the truth no matter how ashamed i am of it...
i thought you were mad at me because i was flirting
i was mad at me because i was flirting
i was mad at me because im not sure how not to flirt
but in the same breath i felt neglected...
i was mad at me because on YOUR day... which you kindly invited me to... i couldnt help but try to take peoples attention
i was mad at me because when i realised this i was so horribly bad at covering that up
and i know you probably dont remember that but i cant help but feel bad about it
and why the fuck do i keep answering the phone?!
its 2am
its not like he's even sober
i dont really know what im getting myself into... at all
i might just write christmas off completely... i dont want anything to do with it this year
i dont want to see my friends or have responsibilities... i want to wake up at 12 and make crumpets and then spend the afternoon flicking through the digital channels
i dont want to catch up because then i'll have to lie again
and im tired of lying...
uni isnt going well...
i feel alienated from my flat mates
im not a very good friend at all
and im a horrible immoral person
not to mention paranoid... attention seeking... and self pittying
and its all my own fault