(no subject)
Hahaha, so Debbie talked to Mr. Poynter and such, and I am basically through with school until January. I have to come up next week to take some tests, and that's it. You'd think I would be happy, but mainly I am just freaking out.
I feel like I am reaching a crossroads. I have finally reached a point where I am realizing school is not the most important thing in life, yet I can't break myself of my habitual tendencies to worry about everything remotely school related.
My grandma called the other day, and when I told her everything I was worried about, she told me to relax because everything has a way of working out the way it should. Then when my mom came over the other night, she gave me similar advice -- just in a much more morbid manner. She told me to look around me because life doesn't get any better than it is right now. We can work and work for material possessions or prestige and status, but in the end we all die, so we might as well die doing what makes us happy. Usually I disagree with my mom and her "life philosophies" because most of them are just something she uses as an excuse to justify her drug habits, but in this case I kind of agree with her. I am not happy worrying about school and the future all the time. I work so hard so I can go to a good college, but when it comes down to it, I have no motivation to do anything after college, and isn't that kind of the whole point of going? To educate yourself in an area you can then use to get a job and support yourself?
I don't want to do anything with my life other than be a professional slacker. I want to watch movies and travel. I want to write, but I don't necessarily want to get paid for it. I want time to hang out with my friends. I realize that to do a lot of what I want to do, I need money, but why do I feel like my job has to be something "special" or prestigious? Why can't it just be something to provide me with the funds needed to do the things I really enjoy? I don't understand these people who tell me it's important to enjoy my job. I want my life to be more than just a job.
Right now I feel like I can already predict my future and what I see doesn't make me happy: I will graduate high school in the top ten people in my class. I will go to NYU or BU or maybe Eugene Lang, and I will major in English. After college, I won't know what to do next, so I'll end up doing something stupid like applying to law school. I'll go to law school and be the same competitive ass I am right now. Before I know what the fuck is going on, I'll be a licensed lawyer, and I'll finally realize that everything I've worked so hard for means absolutely nothing to me in the long run.
Last night I was watching TV, and I came across the first Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters has been my favorite movie since the golden days of yore. Back in the day, I didn't realize it was a comedy; I just thought it was the best damn action movie I'd ever seen. Mr. Stay Puft was the most villainous creature I'd ever encountered. As I grew older, I came to appreciate the comedy and fell in love with Dr. Peter Venkman's sarcastic, fuck-it approach to life. Watching that movie last night, laughing at the silly one-liners and ridiculous plot line, I realized my priorities in life right now are nothing like what I want them to be. I know what you may be thinking: How can anyone derive philosophical meaning from Ghostbusters? My response to that: How can anyone not?
I think what I am afraid of is that my worrisome and competitive nature will consume me and make me miserable for the rest of my life. I envy Michael and Justin's approach to life. I bet they are happier than me.
The more I struggle to catch up in school, the more I can't help but feel it doesn't matter. And the more I feel it doesn't matter, the more I struggle.
I hate change. I never know what to do. The fact that college is now becoming a reality is really beginning to hit me. I really want to break old habits before I go. I don’t want college to be a high school repeat. That would suck real bad.
The end.
I feel like I am reaching a crossroads. I have finally reached a point where I am realizing school is not the most important thing in life, yet I can't break myself of my habitual tendencies to worry about everything remotely school related.
My grandma called the other day, and when I told her everything I was worried about, she told me to relax because everything has a way of working out the way it should. Then when my mom came over the other night, she gave me similar advice -- just in a much more morbid manner. She told me to look around me because life doesn't get any better than it is right now. We can work and work for material possessions or prestige and status, but in the end we all die, so we might as well die doing what makes us happy. Usually I disagree with my mom and her "life philosophies" because most of them are just something she uses as an excuse to justify her drug habits, but in this case I kind of agree with her. I am not happy worrying about school and the future all the time. I work so hard so I can go to a good college, but when it comes down to it, I have no motivation to do anything after college, and isn't that kind of the whole point of going? To educate yourself in an area you can then use to get a job and support yourself?
I don't want to do anything with my life other than be a professional slacker. I want to watch movies and travel. I want to write, but I don't necessarily want to get paid for it. I want time to hang out with my friends. I realize that to do a lot of what I want to do, I need money, but why do I feel like my job has to be something "special" or prestigious? Why can't it just be something to provide me with the funds needed to do the things I really enjoy? I don't understand these people who tell me it's important to enjoy my job. I want my life to be more than just a job.
Right now I feel like I can already predict my future and what I see doesn't make me happy: I will graduate high school in the top ten people in my class. I will go to NYU or BU or maybe Eugene Lang, and I will major in English. After college, I won't know what to do next, so I'll end up doing something stupid like applying to law school. I'll go to law school and be the same competitive ass I am right now. Before I know what the fuck is going on, I'll be a licensed lawyer, and I'll finally realize that everything I've worked so hard for means absolutely nothing to me in the long run.
Last night I was watching TV, and I came across the first Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters has been my favorite movie since the golden days of yore. Back in the day, I didn't realize it was a comedy; I just thought it was the best damn action movie I'd ever seen. Mr. Stay Puft was the most villainous creature I'd ever encountered. As I grew older, I came to appreciate the comedy and fell in love with Dr. Peter Venkman's sarcastic, fuck-it approach to life. Watching that movie last night, laughing at the silly one-liners and ridiculous plot line, I realized my priorities in life right now are nothing like what I want them to be. I know what you may be thinking: How can anyone derive philosophical meaning from Ghostbusters? My response to that: How can anyone not?
I think what I am afraid of is that my worrisome and competitive nature will consume me and make me miserable for the rest of my life. I envy Michael and Justin's approach to life. I bet they are happier than me.
The more I struggle to catch up in school, the more I can't help but feel it doesn't matter. And the more I feel it doesn't matter, the more I struggle.
I hate change. I never know what to do. The fact that college is now becoming a reality is really beginning to hit me. I really want to break old habits before I go. I don’t want college to be a high school repeat. That would suck real bad.
The end.