Things Change.
*A blog on myspace from 1-14-07*
As the days go on, I find myself drifting into depression... I don't know why, and that bothers me. Things are going well. Maybe it's my job that bothers me. Who knows. Depression doesn't make sense. Feelings don't make sense.
People tease me sometimes, and lately it's been bothering me a lot. But I just let it go. Sticks and stones and all that perhaps.
The last time I was extremely depressed (not including when Adam broke up with me), was years and years ago. Freshman year, so about 7 years. It was hard to eat, but I gained weight anyways. I was so unhappy. I found myself staying up later and later... Of course, when I was getting up at 6 am or whatever for school, I was staying up till midnight or 1 am... Now I'm staying up past 4.. sometimes till 7 or 8. It's 8 am now.
I have something serious on my mind. It surfaced a few days ago, perhaps a week, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I need to talk to one specific person about it, but how. How how how? It's going to be hard.
I feel this weight in my chest, pushing me down. It pulls on my shoulders and drags at my feet. I need to do something about it soon or I'm going to end up sick again.
I feel like I shouldn't be depressed at all. I'm living with the man I love in our apartment, I can cook and bake, people say it's fun to hang out with me, I am intelligent (cept for when it comes to math), I can draw... whatever. But like I said, depression doesn't make sense.
Well... now that it is 8 am, and I need to get up by 1 to get to work at 2, I'll only have 5 hours of sleep. Hopefully I will be tired enough tomorrow that I won't be up till dawn and after, considering my next day off isn't till Wednesday.
I will go lay in bed next to my dear, sweet man, and let the rain lull me into relaxation, then sleep.
Goodnight,
Janiece
Blog from tonight, 1-17-07
I'm having a problem... I am having severe problems with my relationship right now. It's all me. No, it really is! I love him.. SO much...
But...
From talking to two of my dear friends, they say it sounds like I want to be single again. Why now..? 7 months and I've been so happy. This feeling hit me all of the sudden... like a car crash or something. I don't understand. What's worse, is that I think I agree. I think I don't want to be in such a serious relationship right now.
Talked to him, and we are on a break. However, it's really hard to take a break from someone when you live in the same 1 bedroom appt. And he drives you to and from work. And you are ALWAYS around each other. And he keeps saying 'I love you.' What can I do? Ignore him? No, I say it back, because I do love him. And it's all stupid, because this isn't a break. I don't have any space to think about the one thing that is bothering me in peace, because he's always there!
This just might not be the right time in my life for another serious relationship. I dated Adam for 3 yrs, from the time I was 16-19, had maybe a year break (if that) and here I am in another serious relationship. Maybe I feel like I need to run around and party or something. I really don't know. I want to date people. Not right away or anything, but I want... freedom? That's sucha horrible word to describe it, makes it sound like I think I am trapped or something. But I can't think of anything else.
How can I tell him? How can I tell him with out breaking his heart, and then mine in the process? It's driving me mad. I'm so depressed and having anxiety attacks still. I don't know how to cope, so I'm making bad decesions... Stayed up till 8 am for every day for like a week, and for the last three days I've been drinking before I go to bed. Not a lot (ok last night was alot >>) but enough to take that horrible edge off of this depression.
I don't know what to say or do... I need to get away for a while... How will I do that? I don't know where to go. I wish I had a car, cuz then I could just drive away for a time. Drive myself to work and all that. Go out after work if I wanted to (with people or alone, it doesn't matter). But I'm trapped.
As the days go on, I find myself drifting into depression... I don't know why, and that bothers me. Things are going well. Maybe it's my job that bothers me. Who knows. Depression doesn't make sense. Feelings don't make sense.
People tease me sometimes, and lately it's been bothering me a lot. But I just let it go. Sticks and stones and all that perhaps.
The last time I was extremely depressed (not including when Adam broke up with me), was years and years ago. Freshman year, so about 7 years. It was hard to eat, but I gained weight anyways. I was so unhappy. I found myself staying up later and later... Of course, when I was getting up at 6 am or whatever for school, I was staying up till midnight or 1 am... Now I'm staying up past 4.. sometimes till 7 or 8. It's 8 am now.
I have something serious on my mind. It surfaced a few days ago, perhaps a week, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I need to talk to one specific person about it, but how. How how how? It's going to be hard.
I feel this weight in my chest, pushing me down. It pulls on my shoulders and drags at my feet. I need to do something about it soon or I'm going to end up sick again.
I feel like I shouldn't be depressed at all. I'm living with the man I love in our apartment, I can cook and bake, people say it's fun to hang out with me, I am intelligent (cept for when it comes to math), I can draw... whatever. But like I said, depression doesn't make sense.
Well... now that it is 8 am, and I need to get up by 1 to get to work at 2, I'll only have 5 hours of sleep. Hopefully I will be tired enough tomorrow that I won't be up till dawn and after, considering my next day off isn't till Wednesday.
I will go lay in bed next to my dear, sweet man, and let the rain lull me into relaxation, then sleep.
Goodnight,
Janiece
Blog from tonight, 1-17-07
I'm having a problem... I am having severe problems with my relationship right now. It's all me. No, it really is! I love him.. SO much...
But...
From talking to two of my dear friends, they say it sounds like I want to be single again. Why now..? 7 months and I've been so happy. This feeling hit me all of the sudden... like a car crash or something. I don't understand. What's worse, is that I think I agree. I think I don't want to be in such a serious relationship right now.
Talked to him, and we are on a break. However, it's really hard to take a break from someone when you live in the same 1 bedroom appt. And he drives you to and from work. And you are ALWAYS around each other. And he keeps saying 'I love you.' What can I do? Ignore him? No, I say it back, because I do love him. And it's all stupid, because this isn't a break. I don't have any space to think about the one thing that is bothering me in peace, because he's always there!
This just might not be the right time in my life for another serious relationship. I dated Adam for 3 yrs, from the time I was 16-19, had maybe a year break (if that) and here I am in another serious relationship. Maybe I feel like I need to run around and party or something. I really don't know. I want to date people. Not right away or anything, but I want... freedom? That's sucha horrible word to describe it, makes it sound like I think I am trapped or something. But I can't think of anything else.
How can I tell him? How can I tell him with out breaking his heart, and then mine in the process? It's driving me mad. I'm so depressed and having anxiety attacks still. I don't know how to cope, so I'm making bad decesions... Stayed up till 8 am for every day for like a week, and for the last three days I've been drinking before I go to bed. Not a lot (ok last night was alot >>) but enough to take that horrible edge off of this depression.
I don't know what to say or do... I need to get away for a while... How will I do that? I don't know where to go. I wish I had a car, cuz then I could just drive away for a time. Drive myself to work and all that. Go out after work if I wanted to (with people or alone, it doesn't matter). But I'm trapped.