A bit unrelated but... Toe Socks Pawn All
Yes, I'm updating again. But I'll spare you all and put my many ramblings behind a cut this time because now I'm going to actually have a meaningful post, not some short ickle whim of a thought.
I'm venting right now. I want to scream random things. Have a Harry Potter from "Order of the Phoenix" moment and just yell in CAPS-LOCKS for a good long time. But I won't. I don't. I keep it in. I haven't cried in a long time. Perhaps I need to.
I don't feel like ME. I had said awhile back that I wanted to find out who I am. Well, all I really did was become someone that conforms to those around her. To make them like what they see on the outside.
So who am I really?
That's a superb question. One that tops all others. Hell, I could die before I find out the answer. There might not even be one true answer.
I want to clean up my buddy lists but I don't. Why? I don't know. I haven't talked to many people in AGES. If I went by my MSN Plus!'s handy little contact list cleanup thing and deleted all the people who I haven't spoken to in over 2 months, there would be... four people on that list, not counting myself. Pathetic, I know. Yet, something holds me back from deleting those people. I just have trouble letting go of the past.
I know what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to be. But... my family is too worried about other things regarding me. One day I had said, "Fine, I just go join up with the Army or something." And do you know what my mother's response was? "Well, they do pay for college."
So... yeah. I wanted to move to Fort Worth, Texas which is where FUNimation is but now I'm seriously debating getting a hunter's license and learning to shoot a gun. I could become some markswoman or sharpshooter or something.
And for that, for how easily I would give up on my dreams, I want to fall over and cry.
I need some new friends too. No one's ever online. No one calls. It's like I live in a hole. My gawd... I totally understand this comic strip. That totally belongs to DC Comics, etc., etc...
I want to scream. I want to shout out. I want... I don't know. I just want... someone who will listen to me and hold me. But not be family because that's different. If all you have is family and no friends, it makes you feel repulsive. Like you give off some horrible pulsating aura that repels everyone who isn't related.
I want to feel- no, I want to be pretty. And be able to have that sort of attitude some people have that just oozes confidence because they know how good they look.
I love to dance when no one's looking. I love to sing, even when people are listening but no one tells me I have a nice voice. I have posted pics of myself online. But that's only after a LOT of problems with self confidence and trying to be okay with how I look. One guy told me that I looked chubby.
I thought we were all supposed to say that we thought everyone looked nice or pretty or something... I mean, some of us don't have to lie through our fingers because some others have been been blessed to looked gorgey but even so... I thought you never say anything negative, you compliment them on something. Oh, well. At least he was honest.
How ironic. "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 just came on. For most people this would seem depressing and sad but it's the exact opposite for me. I mean, it doesn't make me go hopping around singing happily but it calms me down. I become more serene.
You know, some people have the ability to just make you feel so special with just little things. And I think those little things help me get by. Right now, if I were asked what little things help me get by I'd say:
Anime, Harry Potter, Music, and some of my conversations with Max.
Now if you asked him what's so special about those conversations, he'd probably have no clue. But that's okay. I guess I just remember when he would be all egotistical and stuff and sometimes he's still like that but you just have to see past that.
I remember when I was still part of VirtualHogwarts, I was often asked why I still bothered trying to talk to him. Because I'm stubborn. And because... I dunno. I found him intruiging and I liked him, I suppose.
Now when I talk to him, he's either in a good mood or a horrible one. Or a "lemme-alone-I'm-busy" sort of mood or usually relatively-okay-until-I-call-him-old-man-into-which-he-turns-quite-angry-and-then-I-become-mad mood. It all depends. Last conversation was rather nice. *smiles* And since he talks to me, it makes me feel special... yes, I realise how dorky that sounds. I never said that I was the coolest of all people. (Also, obviously Max would be one of the 4 who would remain on my MSN list.)
So here's something I've thought about. If I died or something bad happened to me and I was hospitalised for a long period of time, none of you would know about. Why? Because none of my RL friends know about my LiveJournal or GreatestJournal. And they don't know anyone from my MSN messenger list.
EDIT: Another thing that helps me get by... Finding all sorts of cute icons for GJ. It's fun and they're awesome.
I think that's all of the truth that you can handle for now. Plus, I think I've temporarily run out of things to say.
Oh, send me toe socks for Christmas. Those things PAWN.
You hear me?
Me = Pwned by toe socks
I'm venting right now. I want to scream random things. Have a Harry Potter from "Order of the Phoenix" moment and just yell in CAPS-LOCKS for a good long time. But I won't. I don't. I keep it in. I haven't cried in a long time. Perhaps I need to.
I don't feel like ME. I had said awhile back that I wanted to find out who I am. Well, all I really did was become someone that conforms to those around her. To make them like what they see on the outside.
So who am I really?
That's a superb question. One that tops all others. Hell, I could die before I find out the answer. There might not even be one true answer.
I want to clean up my buddy lists but I don't. Why? I don't know. I haven't talked to many people in AGES. If I went by my MSN Plus!'s handy little contact list cleanup thing and deleted all the people who I haven't spoken to in over 2 months, there would be... four people on that list, not counting myself. Pathetic, I know. Yet, something holds me back from deleting those people. I just have trouble letting go of the past.
I know what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to be. But... my family is too worried about other things regarding me. One day I had said, "Fine, I just go join up with the Army or something." And do you know what my mother's response was? "Well, they do pay for college."
So... yeah. I wanted to move to Fort Worth, Texas which is where FUNimation is but now I'm seriously debating getting a hunter's license and learning to shoot a gun. I could become some markswoman or sharpshooter or something.
And for that, for how easily I would give up on my dreams, I want to fall over and cry.
I need some new friends too. No one's ever online. No one calls. It's like I live in a hole. My gawd... I totally understand this comic strip. That totally belongs to DC Comics, etc., etc...
I want to scream. I want to shout out. I want... I don't know. I just want... someone who will listen to me and hold me. But not be family because that's different. If all you have is family and no friends, it makes you feel repulsive. Like you give off some horrible pulsating aura that repels everyone who isn't related.
I want to feel- no, I want to be pretty. And be able to have that sort of attitude some people have that just oozes confidence because they know how good they look.
I love to dance when no one's looking. I love to sing, even when people are listening but no one tells me I have a nice voice. I have posted pics of myself online. But that's only after a LOT of problems with self confidence and trying to be okay with how I look. One guy told me that I looked chubby.
I thought we were all supposed to say that we thought everyone looked nice or pretty or something... I mean, some of us don't have to lie through our fingers because some others have been been blessed to looked gorgey but even so... I thought you never say anything negative, you compliment them on something. Oh, well. At least he was honest.
How ironic. "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 just came on. For most people this would seem depressing and sad but it's the exact opposite for me. I mean, it doesn't make me go hopping around singing happily but it calms me down. I become more serene.
You know, some people have the ability to just make you feel so special with just little things. And I think those little things help me get by. Right now, if I were asked what little things help me get by I'd say:
Anime, Harry Potter, Music, and some of my conversations with Max.
Now if you asked him what's so special about those conversations, he'd probably have no clue. But that's okay. I guess I just remember when he would be all egotistical and stuff and sometimes he's still like that but you just have to see past that.
I remember when I was still part of VirtualHogwarts, I was often asked why I still bothered trying to talk to him. Because I'm stubborn. And because... I dunno. I found him intruiging and I liked him, I suppose.
Now when I talk to him, he's either in a good mood or a horrible one. Or a "lemme-alone-I'm-busy" sort of mood or usually relatively-okay-until-I-call-him-old-man-into-which-he-turns-quite-angry-and-then-I-become-mad mood. It all depends. Last conversation was rather nice. *smiles* And since he talks to me, it makes me feel special... yes, I realise how dorky that sounds. I never said that I was the coolest of all people. (Also, obviously Max would be one of the 4 who would remain on my MSN list.)
So here's something I've thought about. If I died or something bad happened to me and I was hospitalised for a long period of time, none of you would know about. Why? Because none of my RL friends know about my LiveJournal or GreatestJournal. And they don't know anyone from my MSN messenger list.
EDIT: Another thing that helps me get by... Finding all sorts of cute icons for GJ. It's fun and they're awesome.
I think that's all of the truth that you can handle for now. Plus, I think I've temporarily run out of things to say.
Oh, send me toe socks for Christmas. Those things PAWN.
You hear me?
Me = Pwned by toe socks