Blog entry dealing with Valeri #1574
This has got to end.
I've been dreaming of Valeri, about conversations, opening drawers in my mind with photos I took in my head from when we were really young, and I miss him so much. I dreamed of hugging him and we both were crying, because we missed each other.
I read through a lot of old entries on my old website, pre-LJ, and I don't like myself.
I keep wondering, did I do the right thing?
According to my logs, he tried to win me back so many times and apologised profoundly, and even though I still loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, I said, sorry, but I can't - can we please be friends.
My rational memory tells me that it was right, that I was always honest with him, he always knew where he was at. I would tell him that I still loved him etc.
How hard would that have been for him! This went on for so long! No wonder he was battling depression! No wonder! But what option did I have? There was someone so angry, who really hadn't always been that nice to me, in spite of that huge love we had.
We ended up with clinical depression, both of us. And I worry that a lot of his was my fault. I would have caused him so much pain.
Did I have a distorted perception of him? He did so much for me, he was a good guy, so helpful and caring - but on the downside, he was sometimes disrespectful and condescending. Knowing my mum's life, that really got me on the wrong foot.
What would I do differently today?
Hard to say, as Valeri is maybe the smartest man I have ever met, and he always knew. You couldn't really argue, because he'd admit he wouldn't budge even if he was wrong, and being assertive was just not easily possible for me at the time.
Obviously the discussion about whether we could have saved our relationship is perfectly futile. I'm happy here in NZ and he's married in Germany. Things are great for me at least and I can only hope he's good, too.
I just think about whether we could have saved our friendship. How we could have managed to save it.
And then I wonder, if I just wish we were still friends because I still love him now. Maybe we really can't be friends. Maybe I just tell myself that. And maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me. It must be that. I've never been able to just be his friend on an emotional level, no matter what I said.
After all these years, so many years, how can he still be so present in my life. He doesn't even know it. I think of him at least a few times a week. No one else! Not even my beloved grandma or grandpa! Just him. I'm jinxed.
Where would life have gone, had Julia and I never burned that cake when we were 12 years old. I can't even imagine. I think I would have turned out much straighter. People in the A class of my year were overall much quirkier and offbeat than the ones in my class. My class was overall straighter. Had I not fallen in love with Valeri, I wouldn't have befriended a lot of people who very much shaped me in my very early teens.
I wish my mind would stop sending me all those memories. The way his black winter jacket felt, him laughing while leading against Christian's shed, his funny fingers, I always loved the shape of his fingers, they were quite different, us hugging and crying behind the church on a little wall, the way his room smelled, our trip to Texel... Man all that stuff. What happened...
I hope he's happy.
I've been dreaming of Valeri, about conversations, opening drawers in my mind with photos I took in my head from when we were really young, and I miss him so much. I dreamed of hugging him and we both were crying, because we missed each other.
I read through a lot of old entries on my old website, pre-LJ, and I don't like myself.
I keep wondering, did I do the right thing?
According to my logs, he tried to win me back so many times and apologised profoundly, and even though I still loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, I said, sorry, but I can't - can we please be friends.
My rational memory tells me that it was right, that I was always honest with him, he always knew where he was at. I would tell him that I still loved him etc.
How hard would that have been for him! This went on for so long! No wonder he was battling depression! No wonder! But what option did I have? There was someone so angry, who really hadn't always been that nice to me, in spite of that huge love we had.
We ended up with clinical depression, both of us. And I worry that a lot of his was my fault. I would have caused him so much pain.
Did I have a distorted perception of him? He did so much for me, he was a good guy, so helpful and caring - but on the downside, he was sometimes disrespectful and condescending. Knowing my mum's life, that really got me on the wrong foot.
What would I do differently today?
Hard to say, as Valeri is maybe the smartest man I have ever met, and he always knew. You couldn't really argue, because he'd admit he wouldn't budge even if he was wrong, and being assertive was just not easily possible for me at the time.
Obviously the discussion about whether we could have saved our relationship is perfectly futile. I'm happy here in NZ and he's married in Germany. Things are great for me at least and I can only hope he's good, too.
I just think about whether we could have saved our friendship. How we could have managed to save it.
And then I wonder, if I just wish we were still friends because I still love him now. Maybe we really can't be friends. Maybe I just tell myself that. And maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me. It must be that. I've never been able to just be his friend on an emotional level, no matter what I said.
After all these years, so many years, how can he still be so present in my life. He doesn't even know it. I think of him at least a few times a week. No one else! Not even my beloved grandma or grandpa! Just him. I'm jinxed.
Where would life have gone, had Julia and I never burned that cake when we were 12 years old. I can't even imagine. I think I would have turned out much straighter. People in the A class of my year were overall much quirkier and offbeat than the ones in my class. My class was overall straighter. Had I not fallen in love with Valeri, I wouldn't have befriended a lot of people who very much shaped me in my very early teens.
I wish my mind would stop sending me all those memories. The way his black winter jacket felt, him laughing while leading against Christian's shed, his funny fingers, I always loved the shape of his fingers, they were quite different, us hugging and crying behind the church on a little wall, the way his room smelled, our trip to Texel... Man all that stuff. What happened...
I hope he's happy.