Thoughts on Sharing a Life Beyond the Relationship
What happens to romantic relationships as they grow and mature. I often feel like precious little attention is paid to relationships (in the general sense, not the specific), after around the 1 year wedding anniversary or the 3-4 year dating anniversary. It's as if most people suddenly just stop talking about their relationships. Why is this, I wonder? I know that I myself find that lately I have precious little to say about my relationship... though I have not really understood why. I belong to a few relationship communities and I go to write an entry updating people on my relationship... I mean, how could I not want to update, I am overall so happy with it, have so much to brag about... yet I go to put pen to paper and find I have nothing to say. Huh? How did that happen? I have stuff to say, but as I go to say it, I notice it has really little to do with our relationship, and mostly to do with our life, the life we share... and only to do with our relationship in the sense that it is the life of two people in a relationship.
Today, an idea stuck me. I don't know if it has any merit really, but I think it is worth considering. When a relationship is new, it is a big part of a person's life... the joys, struggles, and milestones of the relationship naturally become the milestones, memorable instances, and even defining moments of the person's life. But then perhaps, after time has passed and patterns of relating have been established, the relationship becomes more of an integrated component of the person's life, rather than a new and unpredictable defining feature.
When it comes to more mature relationships, there is often talk about keeping things interesting, keeping things exciting. Yet I wonder, are these missing the point. Early in a relationship, patterns are being established, two people are learning to get along with one another, an incredible bond is being created essentially out of nothing. This is exciting, hopefully joyous, sometimes a struggle, and probably marked with many meaningful milestones along the way. Falling in love becomes a person's whole world, or near enough to it. Navigating all this is a popular topic for discussion, because it's difficult and there are always people out there trying to figure out how to do it right.
In contrast, a more mature relationship is very different--the patterns have been established, understanding increases intimacy but comes at the cost of the excitement created by the unknown and unpredictable. Hopefully there is still plenty of joy and love, and from time to time there will still be struggles--but the character is fundamentally changed because while the relationship may be altered an enhanced, it is no longer being created for the first time. I think that perhaps having a partner becomes more of the internal identity and less a thing of external interest... the relationship becomes yet another of many layers of life, it should be an important and enhancing aspect of how we each experience life, but I think perhaps something which simply cannot remain the sole focal point.
I think this is perhaps why so much of the advice for more mature relationships focuses so much suggesting to try new things, take time for hobbies, and so forth... because if a relationship is a way to experience life, it's only going to be fulfilling if the life itself is worth while. And I think perhaps also why so little is said about more mature relationships, because while a relationship may remain a very important and gratifying part of a person's life, it ceases to be the focal point once it is established. I think perhaps it is natural for the maturation of a romantic relationship to leave a void in a person's life that needs to be filled in a new way (as so many people eventually experience), but that maybe this void should not be interpreted as a sign that the relationship has ceased to serve it's function, or that love has departed. The caterpillar may be gone, and in going it may have created a void... but perhaps it would be best to enjoy and cherish the butterfly for what it is, rather than asking it to fulfill the exact same role as the caterpillar. Perhaps it's time for something other than a romantic relationship to fill that role most of the time, to be the primary source of excitement, change, growth, and challenge in life.
Today, an idea stuck me. I don't know if it has any merit really, but I think it is worth considering. When a relationship is new, it is a big part of a person's life... the joys, struggles, and milestones of the relationship naturally become the milestones, memorable instances, and even defining moments of the person's life. But then perhaps, after time has passed and patterns of relating have been established, the relationship becomes more of an integrated component of the person's life, rather than a new and unpredictable defining feature.
When it comes to more mature relationships, there is often talk about keeping things interesting, keeping things exciting. Yet I wonder, are these missing the point. Early in a relationship, patterns are being established, two people are learning to get along with one another, an incredible bond is being created essentially out of nothing. This is exciting, hopefully joyous, sometimes a struggle, and probably marked with many meaningful milestones along the way. Falling in love becomes a person's whole world, or near enough to it. Navigating all this is a popular topic for discussion, because it's difficult and there are always people out there trying to figure out how to do it right.
In contrast, a more mature relationship is very different--the patterns have been established, understanding increases intimacy but comes at the cost of the excitement created by the unknown and unpredictable. Hopefully there is still plenty of joy and love, and from time to time there will still be struggles--but the character is fundamentally changed because while the relationship may be altered an enhanced, it is no longer being created for the first time. I think that perhaps having a partner becomes more of the internal identity and less a thing of external interest... the relationship becomes yet another of many layers of life, it should be an important and enhancing aspect of how we each experience life, but I think perhaps something which simply cannot remain the sole focal point.
I think this is perhaps why so much of the advice for more mature relationships focuses so much suggesting to try new things, take time for hobbies, and so forth... because if a relationship is a way to experience life, it's only going to be fulfilling if the life itself is worth while. And I think perhaps also why so little is said about more mature relationships, because while a relationship may remain a very important and gratifying part of a person's life, it ceases to be the focal point once it is established. I think perhaps it is natural for the maturation of a romantic relationship to leave a void in a person's life that needs to be filled in a new way (as so many people eventually experience), but that maybe this void should not be interpreted as a sign that the relationship has ceased to serve it's function, or that love has departed. The caterpillar may be gone, and in going it may have created a void... but perhaps it would be best to enjoy and cherish the butterfly for what it is, rather than asking it to fulfill the exact same role as the caterpillar. Perhaps it's time for something other than a romantic relationship to fill that role most of the time, to be the primary source of excitement, change, growth, and challenge in life.