hi blog.
hey. i know i've been kind of patchy with my posting lately, and i've finally come up with the reason why. i don't want you to be upset or anything. you've done the best you can. but, blog, the reason i haven't been telling you things is because i feel like i can't trust you.
i know, i know. and i'm sorry. it's absurd. i know of two people who actually read you, and still, i cannot bear to spill my guts to you, like i wanted from the very start, like i intended, and like i so badly want to right now.
i don't even have anything juicy; my talk is withering, crunchy, and brown; i am a fall leave amongst the blossoms. things, blog, that i know you've heard aplenty. maybe i don't want to bore you, maybe i'm afraid you'll judge me, maybe i'm afraid of putting into words the fleeting strands of ideas and emotions that simultaneously fill me up and leave me empty.
at any rate, i'm sorry. and this marks the beginning of my attempts to change. as i sit here at one oh three in this very early hour on the sixth of june, and from here on out, you and i will be one in the same. you will know everything i'm thinking; you will be an extension of me.
i know this arrangement seems drastic; it is. but in this summer before i leave my childhood, adolescent, and young adult home for quite possibly the rest of my life, you need to be a part of me.
i hope this suits you. i look forward to our impending connections.
let's start with recent happenings, i suppose. i am unsure as to whether i should begin by digressing or end with it. so promise you won't judge me, blog?
okay, thanks. then here goes nothing.
as of late, everything seems to have been so loud. commotion about commencement, i've cut off all my hair, rap music is constantly thumping, people are always in crowds. this displeases me on two levels. watching awkward communcative exchanges go awry is painful for me; i do not enjoy surrounding myself with discomfort. perhaps i am imagining this forced and alleged connection amongst the people around me, but i'd prefer to think that i can see the proverbial strings being pulled better than most.
the second, that quiet simply cannot work its way in. since i've begin to grow up, i vastly prefer the visceral, cerebral qualities of soundlessness than the pulsing shake of noise. quiet, in its simplistic and modest ways, is nearly always beaten by sound's triumphant and captivating allure. i miss the quiet; it's easy to think in the quiet. the noise prevents any sort of evaluative thought, which is the only medium of thought in which i prevail.
it's been nice hanging out with girls again; after a time of strange interaction and gossip we seem to gelling well. i am pleased to have a group of friends i enjoy and in which i feel accepted and included.
i hope, blog, that soon we will become the best of friends, that you will know my inner workings better than i do. sorry this relationship is so one-sided; if at any time you have something to say, please pipe up.