The truth shall set me free!
Today was probably been one of my better days in a while. Especially since all this drama with Chad has really come to an end yesterday and I could not be more thankful about it. I know this sounds crazy since last week I was questioning everything about anything, but I finally was able to see the truth behind things in so many different ways. I just feel free.
I called him yesterday afternoon and we talked and actually got along again. Who would have thought it? Then, I signed online not too long afterwards and there he was online. But thanks to the wonderful yahoo messager chat rooms, I was able to see if he was in a room and sure enough, he was. So, I just lost it and IMed him. I asked him would there ever be an us again... and he answered, "I do not know the answer to that Valerie, nor am I in any rush to try to answer that question." Then I started talking to him about how I would like us to sit down and talk about things... but he didn't see anything else to talk about, however, I did because I still had questions. So, I figured what the hell do I have to lose so I just said basically everything that was on my mind and that has been on my mind. If you have read everything before now... you will understand. He told me that he feels things are on hold till each of us gets our lives straight again and of course I asked could he explain this more and never got an answer. The entire conversation I was opening up and saying what my heart felt and all I got was one sentence responses from him... but this is when everything came together for me was this part right here:
Me: because the way I feel a lot is... my best was not good enough for you.
Chad: your best was too much for me and not nearly enough for you
Me: I don't believe that
Chad: I do
Me: Why?
Chad: because I do
Me: Can you explain it to me?
Chad: I have tried, but failed
Me: because of being selfish?
Chad: you are not being selfish enough
Me: huh? selfish enough with... life, love, money?
Chad: all of the above
Chad: ego is a virtue Valerie
Chad: and you do not possess it
Chad: do I have to be anymore blunt
Me: yeah, because I do have pride about myself
Chad: then exercise it
Me: how do you figure I don't?
Chad: get a job that you enjoy
Chad: take pride and passion in your school work
Me: I do
Me: i have been working my ass off this term
Me: I take pride in everything that I do
Me: even my work at work
Chad: i've failed again
And finally...
Me: so you do feel that I just don't have a drive in life?
Chad: yes
Me: Well, I do
Chad: then we have to leave it that we disagree and move on
Me: so is that your main issue with me?
Chad: yes
Me: so even in love I wasn't selfish enough?
Chad: I do not have a response to that
Me: because in love, I always thought that selflessness was important
Me: and that was one of the things that you loved about me...
Chad: I loved you for you giving nature
Chad: but after time went on I realized that it was to an extreme
Me: I give to people in ways because they give back to me... I gave to you so much because you gave me love, trust, friendship, and security
Me: I never asked anything from you, but that
Of course he really didn't say anything after this comment I made. So...
Here are my thoughts on this: I am damn proud that I do not have an ego and that my nature is to give to people that give to me. That is why the world is the way it is today, because everyone is all about me, me, me and never thinks about the other person. Sad, isn't it? And if I didn't have a drive in life, as my friend Steven said, people like that just jump off bridges because they have nothing to live for and I do. I have friends, family, school, and my career as a teacher. Because I want to make a difference in childrens' lives, to me, that is pride right there. I am sorry I am not a bitch about things and force people to do things just for me with nothing to give back. And no, I am not going to change my good nature because the people that know me know that I am someone they can count on if they are in need. And I really have to agree with my friend Brenda on this, Chad was with me for this long and learned nothing about me... granted I am not perfect, but damn! I guess that ideal woman is out there, but I am not the one and I never will be that egoistical person. So Chad, my prayers are with you that you find that person and that you truly find happiness because it will never be here. Best wishes.
So ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, I am over this drama and happy that now I see how things really are. It is just a comforting feeling. Everything truly happens for a reason and all I can be is thankful. I just really have a hopeful lookout for the future and I know that I will be able to make it through anything I am placed against.
So until next time...
Remember that sometimes the grass is really greener on the other side. Take care everyone!