God if you can hear me... please help!
My life is really starting to fall apart right before my eyes. Just when I was the happiest I ever thought I could be, it is amazing how things change so quickly. I still worried about my mom and her smoking and I still haven't hear from my other friend. Then there is my boyfriend. He was really distance this weekend towards me and then he drops the boom this morning. He might be moving back to Texas by the end of the year if not sooner. He said he wanted me to think about this. Of course, I was upset at first, then throughout the day, I basically made up my mind that if that is what I had to do, I would do it just because I care about him that much. Well... the conversation we had tonight was not for the best. It seems like he is pushing me away and could care less about anything. Even though I told him that I would be willing to move with him, he then said well how would you be able to support yourself. Whoa... I would have to change colleges, states, jobs, and you want me to support myself, how in the hell I am suppose to do that? God, if you could understand half of the pain I am going through right now. I am basically just a stress ball and I am ready to break. Then classes started today and I still have all this in the back of my mind.
I am not sure what changed, and I keep trying to find something wrong with me. Maybe it is because I gained weight, or maybe because I still have to depend on my parents at the age of 20, or maybe it is because I am simply not good enough. Every weekend I do dishes, clothes, take out trash, take care of the dog, and anything and everything else I can do to help Chad around the house... but I guess it is not good enough. Maybe if I was older and prettier I would be able to be on the same level as him. I just don't understand anything anymore. I am tired of crying and tired of hurting so much. When it rains, it truly pours... and there is nothing I can do about anything. I am lost and even the one person, my soul mate, who I thought had my back can't even give me the emotional support I need anymore. I should have known that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess it was too true to be true for me to be able to find happiness with someone. I always told myself that I was going to live alone and truthfully thinking this idea is probably going to be the best way for me to go because I can not deal crap. If I wanted someone to hurt me, I could do that myself... God I am asking now for your strength because I need you more than ever now. Please led me in the right direction and please help heel all the pain I have. I know that I am not prefect nor will I ever be, but I try my best at everything I do and want to the people around me to be happy and I don't want to cause them any pain.
Anyways, I hope everyone else is well because I would not want anyone to feel the pain that I am going through right now.
Until next time...
I am not sure what changed, and I keep trying to find something wrong with me. Maybe it is because I gained weight, or maybe because I still have to depend on my parents at the age of 20, or maybe it is because I am simply not good enough. Every weekend I do dishes, clothes, take out trash, take care of the dog, and anything and everything else I can do to help Chad around the house... but I guess it is not good enough. Maybe if I was older and prettier I would be able to be on the same level as him. I just don't understand anything anymore. I am tired of crying and tired of hurting so much. When it rains, it truly pours... and there is nothing I can do about anything. I am lost and even the one person, my soul mate, who I thought had my back can't even give me the emotional support I need anymore. I should have known that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess it was too true to be true for me to be able to find happiness with someone. I always told myself that I was going to live alone and truthfully thinking this idea is probably going to be the best way for me to go because I can not deal crap. If I wanted someone to hurt me, I could do that myself... God I am asking now for your strength because I need you more than ever now. Please led me in the right direction and please help heel all the pain I have. I know that I am not prefect nor will I ever be, but I try my best at everything I do and want to the people around me to be happy and I don't want to cause them any pain.
Anyways, I hope everyone else is well because I would not want anyone to feel the pain that I am going through right now.
Until next time...