he really left me.
I cannot believe he really left me. Today is the end of an era. He says this is not going to be permanent. He says we will still see each other. That he is going to come and visit all the time. As soon as his bills are taken care of, he'll be back. But....I just don't believe it. I want it to be true. I really do. I want nothing more than for him to come back in the door and say Just kidding. Even keke is gone. Keke. It just feels weird being at home and Keke's not walking around or hiding in the closet or under Mark's bed. The sudden freak out moment I have when I've left the patio door open and have to frantically search for Keke so I know he didn't jump off the balcony. Never again. Waking up every Sunday morning knowing we're about to have breakfast together and watch a movie. Never again. I used to come home from work and I'd sit down to watch tv and see People Magazine and would just know he did the crossword puzzle. I've tried to do the crossword puzzles. They're hard. Who's going to do my crossword puzzles? Who am I going to wait up for just to say hi before I go to bed? Who am I going to annoy when the door slams early in the morning when I talk Rocco outside? Who's going to annoy me and leave little lick marks on the couch like Keke did? No one. Its all so depressing. My great aunt lives with her college roommate still. She's 70. lol and her roommate is a lady. (we think she's a lesbian but who knows). I wanted to be my great aunt with mark. Best friends forever. Sure...we're still friends. But he'll start to hang out with Shay again. Maybe meet some new people down in Beaumont. I know I'll still talk to him. But I just feel like Im going to be left out of it. I feel like Im in the middle of a divorce. Its fucking rough. Who gets the house? Who gets this cup? Who gets custody of which pet? I know he was just my roommate but he was so much more to me. So much more. I feel like a piece of my life just moved back to Beaumont. When I told Jeremy he asked when I was going to move back. I'm not. I can't. I have put too much into my life in Austin to abandon it back for Beaumont. Too much is going on for me right now. In just a few months I'm eligible to transfer and maybe move up in the company. I just wish I had more friends. Maybe this would be easier. But I don't. I'm going to die all alone with my dog. Lol I'll be the little old dog guy. Trapped inside with all those dogs to be my companion. I wish things with Jeff were going better. Like I had one certainty I could depend on. The only thing Im depending on right now is me. I don't even know if I will be able to stay in this apartment till June. Mark's mom told him to break the lease. He said he wasn't going to, but what if he gets desperate. I wish life weren't so complicated. I understand why he has to leave. Im not angry. .. Im just ... unhappy.