Hmmm
Well I certainly haven't used this in quite some time, but I have been itching to write. So I figure, why not? I'm pretty sure hardly anyone else uses this anymore... but if you do- do you ever have the desire to be more than content with life? I am back home for the summer, settled into the familar routine I left behind before FSU; filled with school, work, and friends.... and so I am content, if not happy... perhaps even overjoyed to be back in a comfortable place. To be home, really. But I feel like life needs to be more than contentment. I'm a very passionate person, I am not one to sit and just be content. I thrive on exceptionally emotional experiences, however draining they may be. They make you feel alive... fully human. To know that you are capable of experiencing such drastic circumstances and thriving anyway is such an empowering feeling. I know this may sound strange, and maybe it is- but this is me. Maybe it stems from growing up in a home full of chaos. I always longed for the day when things would settle down and my relationship with my father would be peaceful. I suppose it isn't quite "peaceful" yet, certainly subdued however; and it many ways it leaves a vacancy.
This whole thing is not quite as twisted as I'm begining to realize it may sound. I am in NO way craving some sort of absurd drama filled life, oh GOD no- it's the last thing I want. I don't desire for my father to become an obsessive control freak yet again (or moreso.) I don't desire any sort of negativity at all. I just feel like I need something more. Some sort of EMOTION, preferably not negatively natured. I think perhaps it comes from being so settled in my OWN life. Like everything I do these days revolves around me, and me alone. I miss volunteering... I miss seeing the same group of kids at work and knowing I'm making some sort of impact on them... I miss making positive impacts at all. It seems these days all I can do is bitch and moan about other people, instead of cheering them up. Not sure where I'm going with this. EVerything is so much more articulate in my head, haha. I guess I just miss that rush of emotions you get when you're so intertwined with another person... not that I don't have great close relationships. I guess there's just a difference between being someone's equal and being someone's rock. I guess life is just less fulfilling when you know there are so few to be strong for. This is why I need to a job working with kids, they're so needy. I guess I just need to feel needed? It's odd but it's true and really it's very fulfilling. Draining yes, but I always have been a glutton for punishment.
This whole thing is not quite as twisted as I'm begining to realize it may sound. I am in NO way craving some sort of absurd drama filled life, oh GOD no- it's the last thing I want. I don't desire for my father to become an obsessive control freak yet again (or moreso.) I don't desire any sort of negativity at all. I just feel like I need something more. Some sort of EMOTION, preferably not negatively natured. I think perhaps it comes from being so settled in my OWN life. Like everything I do these days revolves around me, and me alone. I miss volunteering... I miss seeing the same group of kids at work and knowing I'm making some sort of impact on them... I miss making positive impacts at all. It seems these days all I can do is bitch and moan about other people, instead of cheering them up. Not sure where I'm going with this. EVerything is so much more articulate in my head, haha. I guess I just miss that rush of emotions you get when you're so intertwined with another person... not that I don't have great close relationships. I guess there's just a difference between being someone's equal and being someone's rock. I guess life is just less fulfilling when you know there are so few to be strong for. This is why I need to a job working with kids, they're so needy. I guess I just need to feel needed? It's odd but it's true and really it's very fulfilling. Draining yes, but I always have been a glutton for punishment.