October is Anti Bullying month.
I've been thinking about everything I went through when I see the bully begone sign on the front page of LJ. So to you, the graduating class of 2001 for St. Viator's catholic school... fuck you, it makes me happy to see how many of you are now as ugly on the outside as you are on the inside. To the administration of St Viator's catholic school, you did nothing. when I needed people to step in, you stood by. (Literally in some cases!)
~~~
I went to a private Catholic School. Any one that tries to tell you that Catholic schools are free from bullying is lying through their teeth. My family was not exactly high class or rich. I went to school with the spawn of some prominent doctors, lawyer, and politicians in Nevada and specifically the city of Las Vegas. When I was 7 my brother burned down our house (the childproof lighter was kept in the highest cupboard in the house.)and it was as we were still recovering for that that I went to this school. From the get go I did not stand a chance.
I was a pudgy child, and starting to soothe my issues with food. At the time I was very shy and socially awkward. I started to get teased at school. Stuff about my glasses, my weight, and farting in class. The teasing was bad enough that I would try not to poop, and that I stopped eating refried and beans in general. To this day I avoid beans at all costs. I’d get excused to the bathroom and take as long as I could. I’d do what I could to get to school late and get out as early as I could. I would play sick to stay home. I would come home and go sleep because I’d have such awful migraines. If I was a bird I’d have started plucking, as it was, I coped by eating.
My lunch box used to go missing. More than once it went missing right before lunch time. One memorable occasion my parents had packed my lunch with left overs from a really nice dinner they’d had with my Dad’s boss. My lunch went missing that day. A week later it turned up with rotten melon and Proscutto (or how ever it’s spelled.) still inside. At lunch where I sat at the table was the no zone. No one sat near me. We had class seating where your class sat at one long row of tables and people would rather be crowded than sit near me.
At recess I sprinted to the library to take refuge in the books and to stay away from the other kids. I dove into reading as an escape. I would read on average 4-5 books, full novels, in a day. I was reading Tolkien’s Return of the King in 5th grade. More people started to tease me, an I started getting boobies in 5th grade. I had my bra strap snap during class and was teased for that.
That’s when the sexual harassment and the harassment started to increase. I was in the bathroom, skort down peeing when the cheerleaders kicked open the bathroom door on me. Before then I had made it a point to go to the bathroom when I knew it’d be safe. During class, after school when everyone else was gone, stuff like that. That day I had to pee. I was cornered once again in the bathroom by the cheerleaders…
Nicole B. You horrid little bitch. You and your posse surrounded me in the bathroom and told me that Mark L. only talked to me or played checkers with me because I sucked his dick complete with tongue in cheek pantomimes. (I was sexually molested by a babysitter, who had me do what that girl pantomimed.)To this day any one who jokes with me about giving people sexual favors of any sort is an extremely sore spot. I do not care if it’s about role play toons(which is me violating the in-character actions =/= out of character actions rule.), or social situations in general. I do apologize because it’s not fair for me to get vicious about something that’s supposed to be meant as a joke but I just remember being surrounded by these tiny skinny cheerleaders jeering at me. Telling me that’s the only way I get people to like me is by sucking them off. Or worse. I think I grabbed her by the shirt when she refused to let me get past and shook her a bit. I do remember getting a talking to.
I had boys calling me at home. They’d ask me out and laugh. My mother was quite irate. Through all of this my parents complained to the school and the school would do nothing because the children responsible were the offspring of “VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.” and by very important people, these are high up politicians, and people in power.
In 6-8th grade they moved from my lunchbox to stealing my books and playing keep away. I loved my science teacher because she yelled at them for taking my book, and she would stop it in her class. My religious education teacher (Catholic private schools.) was an entirely different case.
In 7th grade I was sitting behind a girl named Adrianne. This was in 2000, after the huge horrors of Columbine High, and many schools put in a no tolerance policy after that, and I think his place did but I’m fuzzy on that. But during religious ed, she’d twist about in her chair and SLAM her eraseable ball point pen into the cover of my notebook. This was a nice notebook with a plastic cover. She thought it was fricken HILARIOUS. I kept telling her to stop. After about ten nice large punctures into my notebook I put my hand over my book and told her again to stop it. *Bear in mind the teacher was in the class room.* She turned around and BAM. She stabbed me, in the hand between my first and middle fingers. It’s only by the grace of god that she didn’t make it through the skin of my palm.
The look on her face is one I will remember fondly for the rest of my life. She went white in that OH SHIT way. And I remember looking at my hand and thinking “so that’s what the inside of my hand looks like. I held it carefully as we went up to the teacher.
There was to my memory/knowledge no repercussions to her actions. The next year in 8th grade I brought it up. And she was flippant about it because oh it was nothing. I look at the scar today and I have some pain from it still.
In 8th grade one of the worst of my male bullies hopped on my bike. He rode it about the parking lot despite me yelling for him to give me my bike back. I had a ketchup packet and I twisted it up so that it was ready to pop and when he got close I popped it on him. Garret L. you and your posse made my life hell along with the bitches. He bitched about how I had ruined his white polo shirt and I smirked and laughed at him. I remember screaming at him that ketchup comes out and he’d know that if he’d ever learned how to do laundry.
He also took my Gary Larson books and was refusing to give them back. I snapped and grabbed him by the collar and told him to give me back my books and I shook him. He later claimed I threw him against the wall and beat the shit outta him. I laugh now because no, that didn’t happen.
In high school I still had a ton of social isolation. I was hanging around a group that liked Lord of the Rings. One member of the group approached me and told me that LoTR was “THEIR” thing and that I was just an outsider barging in and that I needed to stop. I remember being excluded from my group when we were supposed to host our gallery event.
I still have several issues from being bullied. One of them being low self esteem, easily triggered by “dick sucking” comments be they gently teasing or strangers on the internet being jerks, and the huge emotional (depression and worse.) and social issues. (I am a homebody and I don’t trust people in person.)
and in closing, I cried while I wrote this. A lot of this is stuff that I've kept bottled up. Some of it is stuff that I've tried to block out but when I started writing this down it all came out. Like how I prayed to god for my bullies to flunk out and be expelled... or how I prayed so hard for awful things to happen to me so that it would stop.
It's emotional vomit on my LJ, and while parts of it probably leave the reader feeling bad for me, don't.
I was a victim then, but as I listen to Tony Robbins and the self help... Fuck them. I'm my own knight in shining armor. Now if I could remember that more often I'd be set.
~~~
I went to a private Catholic School. Any one that tries to tell you that Catholic schools are free from bullying is lying through their teeth. My family was not exactly high class or rich. I went to school with the spawn of some prominent doctors, lawyer, and politicians in Nevada and specifically the city of Las Vegas. When I was 7 my brother burned down our house (the childproof lighter was kept in the highest cupboard in the house.)and it was as we were still recovering for that that I went to this school. From the get go I did not stand a chance.
I was a pudgy child, and starting to soothe my issues with food. At the time I was very shy and socially awkward. I started to get teased at school. Stuff about my glasses, my weight, and farting in class. The teasing was bad enough that I would try not to poop, and that I stopped eating refried and beans in general. To this day I avoid beans at all costs. I’d get excused to the bathroom and take as long as I could. I’d do what I could to get to school late and get out as early as I could. I would play sick to stay home. I would come home and go sleep because I’d have such awful migraines. If I was a bird I’d have started plucking, as it was, I coped by eating.
My lunch box used to go missing. More than once it went missing right before lunch time. One memorable occasion my parents had packed my lunch with left overs from a really nice dinner they’d had with my Dad’s boss. My lunch went missing that day. A week later it turned up with rotten melon and Proscutto (or how ever it’s spelled.) still inside. At lunch where I sat at the table was the no zone. No one sat near me. We had class seating where your class sat at one long row of tables and people would rather be crowded than sit near me.
At recess I sprinted to the library to take refuge in the books and to stay away from the other kids. I dove into reading as an escape. I would read on average 4-5 books, full novels, in a day. I was reading Tolkien’s Return of the King in 5th grade. More people started to tease me, an I started getting boobies in 5th grade. I had my bra strap snap during class and was teased for that.
That’s when the sexual harassment and the harassment started to increase. I was in the bathroom, skort down peeing when the cheerleaders kicked open the bathroom door on me. Before then I had made it a point to go to the bathroom when I knew it’d be safe. During class, after school when everyone else was gone, stuff like that. That day I had to pee. I was cornered once again in the bathroom by the cheerleaders…
Nicole B. You horrid little bitch. You and your posse surrounded me in the bathroom and told me that Mark L. only talked to me or played checkers with me because I sucked his dick complete with tongue in cheek pantomimes. (I was sexually molested by a babysitter, who had me do what that girl pantomimed.)To this day any one who jokes with me about giving people sexual favors of any sort is an extremely sore spot. I do not care if it’s about role play toons(which is me violating the in-character actions =/= out of character actions rule.), or social situations in general. I do apologize because it’s not fair for me to get vicious about something that’s supposed to be meant as a joke but I just remember being surrounded by these tiny skinny cheerleaders jeering at me. Telling me that’s the only way I get people to like me is by sucking them off. Or worse. I think I grabbed her by the shirt when she refused to let me get past and shook her a bit. I do remember getting a talking to.
I had boys calling me at home. They’d ask me out and laugh. My mother was quite irate. Through all of this my parents complained to the school and the school would do nothing because the children responsible were the offspring of “VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE.” and by very important people, these are high up politicians, and people in power.
In 6-8th grade they moved from my lunchbox to stealing my books and playing keep away. I loved my science teacher because she yelled at them for taking my book, and she would stop it in her class. My religious education teacher (Catholic private schools.) was an entirely different case.
In 7th grade I was sitting behind a girl named Adrianne. This was in 2000, after the huge horrors of Columbine High, and many schools put in a no tolerance policy after that, and I think his place did but I’m fuzzy on that. But during religious ed, she’d twist about in her chair and SLAM her eraseable ball point pen into the cover of my notebook. This was a nice notebook with a plastic cover. She thought it was fricken HILARIOUS. I kept telling her to stop. After about ten nice large punctures into my notebook I put my hand over my book and told her again to stop it. *Bear in mind the teacher was in the class room.* She turned around and BAM. She stabbed me, in the hand between my first and middle fingers. It’s only by the grace of god that she didn’t make it through the skin of my palm.
The look on her face is one I will remember fondly for the rest of my life. She went white in that OH SHIT way. And I remember looking at my hand and thinking “so that’s what the inside of my hand looks like. I held it carefully as we went up to the teacher.
There was to my memory/knowledge no repercussions to her actions. The next year in 8th grade I brought it up. And she was flippant about it because oh it was nothing. I look at the scar today and I have some pain from it still.
In 8th grade one of the worst of my male bullies hopped on my bike. He rode it about the parking lot despite me yelling for him to give me my bike back. I had a ketchup packet and I twisted it up so that it was ready to pop and when he got close I popped it on him. Garret L. you and your posse made my life hell along with the bitches. He bitched about how I had ruined his white polo shirt and I smirked and laughed at him. I remember screaming at him that ketchup comes out and he’d know that if he’d ever learned how to do laundry.
He also took my Gary Larson books and was refusing to give them back. I snapped and grabbed him by the collar and told him to give me back my books and I shook him. He later claimed I threw him against the wall and beat the shit outta him. I laugh now because no, that didn’t happen.
In high school I still had a ton of social isolation. I was hanging around a group that liked Lord of the Rings. One member of the group approached me and told me that LoTR was “THEIR” thing and that I was just an outsider barging in and that I needed to stop. I remember being excluded from my group when we were supposed to host our gallery event.
I still have several issues from being bullied. One of them being low self esteem, easily triggered by “dick sucking” comments be they gently teasing or strangers on the internet being jerks, and the huge emotional (depression and worse.) and social issues. (I am a homebody and I don’t trust people in person.)
and in closing, I cried while I wrote this. A lot of this is stuff that I've kept bottled up. Some of it is stuff that I've tried to block out but when I started writing this down it all came out. Like how I prayed to god for my bullies to flunk out and be expelled... or how I prayed so hard for awful things to happen to me so that it would stop.
It's emotional vomit on my LJ, and while parts of it probably leave the reader feeling bad for me, don't.
I was a victim then, but as I listen to Tony Robbins and the self help... Fuck them. I'm my own knight in shining armor. Now if I could remember that more often I'd be set.