(no subject)
This will be pointless, I must say. And no one will care, but I want to write about my day, and the urge to type is too strong to ignore.
Doctors at 10 this morning..wasnt as bad as i thought. mom tried telling me i had to get a physical. i refused. sarcastically, of course, because if i had to get one for it all..then it had to be done. i'd never even met this doctor before today. no way im having some strange person all up on me. then my mom tried saying that she'd be in the room. my ass. "i'll close my eyes.." i dont care if you put fucking duct tape over them and turn around, no way you'll be in there when im getting checked out. but alas, no physical was needed. just the usual "deep breath, and out..deep breath, and out..any pain here? here?.." i practically got lightheaded from the 8 deep breathes in a row. got my acne prescription. mary thinks she has acne. she hasn't seen me without foundation. last few days...its just..wow. very embarrassing. very self conscious. got the referral to Dr. KanKam. i had to talk to Dr. Chambers a bit about how i've been feelings and all that good stuff...didnt go in depth at all. still cried. dont think they noticed. "Depression and Post Traumatic Stress." need appointment for next doctor..go to her for God knows what reason. then therapy. "20 sessions." and what if im not magically cured in 20 sessions? 4 months. joe had 4 years. i dont want her paying more money for therapy just for me. but then again, to have to start all over with another therapist...go through it all over again...simply to pay a lower price...*sigh.* i dwell too much. im sorry. hmm, apparently im off tomorrow. girls are going to their grandmother's. nice. off monday too. think im hanging out with my dad. because im cool like that. got a slip 'n slide. it hurt my hip bone. it has a hole in it now. used it once. i think the more i eat like i want to and don't do anything, the better my body looks, whereas when i eat less, excercise more, body looks bad. what the fuck. maybe its all psychological. got a lot of that going on. it'd be nice to like...go do something. im not sure what i want to do..but its something. def wanna go shopping. get paid possibly all tomorrow, or some tomorrow, some saturday. as if thats of any interest to you. or if anyone's reading this neways. cleaned bedroom...moved around some things. looks nice. spacious. i feel like crying. or am crying. both apply. im not sure if i really need a day to myself, or a day with anyone and everyone. i love frank..im glad that shes back to her "usual self." or something of the such. might as well go upstairs. no one to talk to. nothing else to write. god...this got so..blah. im sorry. so many problems. so few solutions. love.
Doctors at 10 this morning..wasnt as bad as i thought. mom tried telling me i had to get a physical. i refused. sarcastically, of course, because if i had to get one for it all..then it had to be done. i'd never even met this doctor before today. no way im having some strange person all up on me. then my mom tried saying that she'd be in the room. my ass. "i'll close my eyes.." i dont care if you put fucking duct tape over them and turn around, no way you'll be in there when im getting checked out. but alas, no physical was needed. just the usual "deep breath, and out..deep breath, and out..any pain here? here?.." i practically got lightheaded from the 8 deep breathes in a row. got my acne prescription. mary thinks she has acne. she hasn't seen me without foundation. last few days...its just..wow. very embarrassing. very self conscious. got the referral to Dr. KanKam. i had to talk to Dr. Chambers a bit about how i've been feelings and all that good stuff...didnt go in depth at all. still cried. dont think they noticed. "Depression and Post Traumatic Stress." need appointment for next doctor..go to her for God knows what reason. then therapy. "20 sessions." and what if im not magically cured in 20 sessions? 4 months. joe had 4 years. i dont want her paying more money for therapy just for me. but then again, to have to start all over with another therapist...go through it all over again...simply to pay a lower price...*sigh.* i dwell too much. im sorry. hmm, apparently im off tomorrow. girls are going to their grandmother's. nice. off monday too. think im hanging out with my dad. because im cool like that. got a slip 'n slide. it hurt my hip bone. it has a hole in it now. used it once. i think the more i eat like i want to and don't do anything, the better my body looks, whereas when i eat less, excercise more, body looks bad. what the fuck. maybe its all psychological. got a lot of that going on. it'd be nice to like...go do something. im not sure what i want to do..but its something. def wanna go shopping. get paid possibly all tomorrow, or some tomorrow, some saturday. as if thats of any interest to you. or if anyone's reading this neways. cleaned bedroom...moved around some things. looks nice. spacious. i feel like crying. or am crying. both apply. im not sure if i really need a day to myself, or a day with anyone and everyone. i love frank..im glad that shes back to her "usual self." or something of the such. might as well go upstairs. no one to talk to. nothing else to write. god...this got so..blah. im sorry. so many problems. so few solutions. love.