(no subject)
My cousin killed himself today.
There are so many things in my head right now fighting for priority.
Like, his brother killed himself seven years ago. That means my aunt and uncle will outlive both of their children. And both of their children killed themselves.
Also, I’m angry at him. He always was a selfish bastard, but he killed himself on Father’s Day. What a horrible thing to do to his children. They are messed up enough, anyway. The last thing on Earth that they needed was to spend every Father’s Day reminded of their father killing himself.
This makes the second suicide in my family in less than a year. My aunt killed herself just before Christmas.
It also ups the total number of suicides/suicide attempts in my family to six people. His brother tried once before succeeding a second attempt. One aunt tried and failed. Oddly, both attempts that failed were gunshots to the head, so I have two family members who survived headshots - one on each side of my family. And when I say 'survived' I mean no real physical damage. In my cousin's case, no damage, period. In my aunt's case, it just sort of deleted the filter from her brain to her mouth. But there wasn't much of one to begin with so it wasn't that different. She was also a lot happier and a lot nicer after she shot herself in the head.
Most of the people in my family who have killed themselves used guns. One aunt overdosed. That was before Christmas this past year. And my cousin today overdosed.
At least my great-grandfather and my other cousin chose to kill themselves because they couldn’t deal with increasing physical pain. My great-grandfather had a brain tumor. It was long enough ago that the only ‘treatment’ was giving him morphine for the pain. He didn’t like being drugged up, so he shot himself. My cousin (the brother of the one who killed himself today) had a spinal injury that caused him a lot of pain. He had dealt with addiction, and was quite limited in medical treatment for pain as a result. The spinal injury wasn’t the reason for his first suicide attempt, but it was why he ended up killing himself.
I also think of the depression that runs rampant in my family and wonder who's next.