From the inside out
Caitlin’s explanation of all this is from a perspective of love uncertainty and attention. It has all the details laid out in a nice linear order.
At the time, I couldn’t comprehend time or space or memory or how they were supposed to be so I have to write in a way that is hard to follow because my memory is hard to follow. Kody has been known to play silly jokes. I didn’t believe him., he asked me ‘are you feeling this, oh my god!?’ then ‘nathan, are you like, really high?’ we had only eaten one pot cookie each and so far I felt fine, just happily and mildly stoned. He started asking questions that told me he was losing reality. He was asking my how I was feeling. As if to check in with the way things should be. He vanished up to his room to lie down. I stayed with Caitlin in the kitchen trying to understand her Dutch, feeling like I couldn’t connect with her.
Suddenly I felt very weird. Indescribably weird. I just wanted to lie down. But I didn’t either, I was afraid of what would happen if I lay down. I was afraid of being taken over by what I was starting to feel. I went up to caitlins room, climbed in her bed and just watched helplessly as the feeling progressed on a blind march down the steps of hell. To put it one way- the walls drapped themselves in black pressed sateen sheets of winged amphibious fear. The panic button of my soul had been pushed. The center of my existence was being twisted and warped inside of a computer program. Turned into liquid, copied and then pasted out____ else ware. I wouldn’t let myself close my eyes. I felt if I did I would become lost wondering through the endless wasteland of black hypnotic shapes and drugged out green and blue eyes.
I started shaking. My muscles all started twitching… all of them. I could control some of them, my face, my eyes, and my toung. But I couldn’t control my arms, legs or chest. I tried to keep fear out, but couldn’t. the decent had begun long ago, and I knew it was just going deeper. I was shaking harder, I tried to fight the images of my heart turning black and old and stopping. I tried to fight the burning in my chest. The idea of dieing was terrifying. I prayed that I wouldn’t die. That didn't help me feel better… I moved on to trying to control my energy, that didn’t work either, I tried thinking of love for Caitlin, but couldn’t feel it, I tried thinking of the mist outside, but it distracted me from controlling my convulsions and they would get worse. I had to keep my attention on my body, on my energy, I felt like I could let it run away. I didn’t want to SEE what I was feeling. My soul was having massive hallucinations.. but I couldn’t see them with my eye, or feel them on my skin. If I closed my eyes all I would see are dark spiritual colors in intercit shapes with sharp angles and lots of eyes. Logically, I couldn’t tell ware things were. There was no set form. Everything that was still was illogical. And everything in motion was still. I couldn’t place myself in time and space. I simply didn’t care. Survival was most important. Caitlin kept touching me. But her energy was so intense that I felt massive heat where she touched me. It, along with everything else was overflowing with fear. The experience penetrated so deep into my being I … I can’t even begin to say... so much fear.
After half an hour, the rapid spasms slowed, I could take control of myself again. I put my hands in the prayer pose and centered my energy. I felt the universe in prayer. I kept still, trying desperately not to float up out of my body -not to die. It worked. I slowly got up and found gravity again. I found time and space, my dear old friends.
I went and talked to kody. He had let sleep come to him, only It wasn’t sleep. For me the soul trip manifesting as violent shaking as it did with me. Kody let his mind run, exactly what I tried to stop. His mind was moving so fast and his energy was so chaotic. He was lost in it.
The paramedics came and all that…. I kept looking at their equipment as though it was a hundred, or a thousand year old technology, as if it was useless. I kept trying to get them to leave him alone because I thought he was going to be fine. That he was just in a bad trip. The paramedics became annoyed with me. I was still really out there, just in control enough to bring my self back and stand and talk. They knew I had eaten the cookies. Anyway, enough of them, they annoyed me with their incompetence. Even though they were helping.
My memory gets fuzzy around now... some time passed... im getting tired of writing this out. Caitlin put her hand on my forehead and it felt like a flashlight in a bat cave. I saw/felt all these black winged spirits scatter in my mind as she put her hand on my head... kody puked... then I puked... it was horrible. More time and fear passes. I was feeling so relieved that it was getting better. I felt as if I had climbed the steps of a pyramid, passed through the pupil of the eye of satan at the peek, then slowly rolled down the other side. After some weaning, Caitlin turned off the light. After a short barrage of visions of dark spiritual forms I went to sleep and gave in to the endless floating darkness. i woke up the next morning with no memory of dreaming, greatful the hell was lessend, feeling happy about the world but still in a daze. happyness was like looking back in time through an acid burned 1920s photograph
At this point I still feel strange, things aren’t quite right. i think it all was the result of accidentally eating a large dose of bad lsd unexpectedly. I had a hard time riding my motorcycle back home today. My yurt is warm and peaceful; the rain is falling thru the huge redwood trees over my roof. I feel joy in the world again. I’m grateful for my life. I feel like I don’t know anything.
At the time, I couldn’t comprehend time or space or memory or how they were supposed to be so I have to write in a way that is hard to follow because my memory is hard to follow. Kody has been known to play silly jokes. I didn’t believe him., he asked me ‘are you feeling this, oh my god!?’ then ‘nathan, are you like, really high?’ we had only eaten one pot cookie each and so far I felt fine, just happily and mildly stoned. He started asking questions that told me he was losing reality. He was asking my how I was feeling. As if to check in with the way things should be. He vanished up to his room to lie down. I stayed with Caitlin in the kitchen trying to understand her Dutch, feeling like I couldn’t connect with her.
Suddenly I felt very weird. Indescribably weird. I just wanted to lie down. But I didn’t either, I was afraid of what would happen if I lay down. I was afraid of being taken over by what I was starting to feel. I went up to caitlins room, climbed in her bed and just watched helplessly as the feeling progressed on a blind march down the steps of hell. To put it one way- the walls drapped themselves in black pressed sateen sheets of winged amphibious fear. The panic button of my soul had been pushed. The center of my existence was being twisted and warped inside of a computer program. Turned into liquid, copied and then pasted out____ else ware. I wouldn’t let myself close my eyes. I felt if I did I would become lost wondering through the endless wasteland of black hypnotic shapes and drugged out green and blue eyes.
I started shaking. My muscles all started twitching… all of them. I could control some of them, my face, my eyes, and my toung. But I couldn’t control my arms, legs or chest. I tried to keep fear out, but couldn’t. the decent had begun long ago, and I knew it was just going deeper. I was shaking harder, I tried to fight the images of my heart turning black and old and stopping. I tried to fight the burning in my chest. The idea of dieing was terrifying. I prayed that I wouldn’t die. That didn't help me feel better… I moved on to trying to control my energy, that didn’t work either, I tried thinking of love for Caitlin, but couldn’t feel it, I tried thinking of the mist outside, but it distracted me from controlling my convulsions and they would get worse. I had to keep my attention on my body, on my energy, I felt like I could let it run away. I didn’t want to SEE what I was feeling. My soul was having massive hallucinations.. but I couldn’t see them with my eye, or feel them on my skin. If I closed my eyes all I would see are dark spiritual colors in intercit shapes with sharp angles and lots of eyes. Logically, I couldn’t tell ware things were. There was no set form. Everything that was still was illogical. And everything in motion was still. I couldn’t place myself in time and space. I simply didn’t care. Survival was most important. Caitlin kept touching me. But her energy was so intense that I felt massive heat where she touched me. It, along with everything else was overflowing with fear. The experience penetrated so deep into my being I … I can’t even begin to say... so much fear.
After half an hour, the rapid spasms slowed, I could take control of myself again. I put my hands in the prayer pose and centered my energy. I felt the universe in prayer. I kept still, trying desperately not to float up out of my body -not to die. It worked. I slowly got up and found gravity again. I found time and space, my dear old friends.
I went and talked to kody. He had let sleep come to him, only It wasn’t sleep. For me the soul trip manifesting as violent shaking as it did with me. Kody let his mind run, exactly what I tried to stop. His mind was moving so fast and his energy was so chaotic. He was lost in it.
The paramedics came and all that…. I kept looking at their equipment as though it was a hundred, or a thousand year old technology, as if it was useless. I kept trying to get them to leave him alone because I thought he was going to be fine. That he was just in a bad trip. The paramedics became annoyed with me. I was still really out there, just in control enough to bring my self back and stand and talk. They knew I had eaten the cookies. Anyway, enough of them, they annoyed me with their incompetence. Even though they were helping.
My memory gets fuzzy around now... some time passed... im getting tired of writing this out. Caitlin put her hand on my forehead and it felt like a flashlight in a bat cave. I saw/felt all these black winged spirits scatter in my mind as she put her hand on my head... kody puked... then I puked... it was horrible. More time and fear passes. I was feeling so relieved that it was getting better. I felt as if I had climbed the steps of a pyramid, passed through the pupil of the eye of satan at the peek, then slowly rolled down the other side. After some weaning, Caitlin turned off the light. After a short barrage of visions of dark spiritual forms I went to sleep and gave in to the endless floating darkness. i woke up the next morning with no memory of dreaming, greatful the hell was lessend, feeling happy about the world but still in a daze. happyness was like looking back in time through an acid burned 1920s photograph
At this point I still feel strange, things aren’t quite right. i think it all was the result of accidentally eating a large dose of bad lsd unexpectedly. I had a hard time riding my motorcycle back home today. My yurt is warm and peaceful; the rain is falling thru the huge redwood trees over my roof. I feel joy in the world again. I’m grateful for my life. I feel like I don’t know anything.