up on the ladder
I think I've outgrown this journal. There's so much pain and depression soaked into it that everytime I think about posting here I get a little sad. And I miss writing! I'm so glad that I was able to write while I was so depressed. I never want to forget the pain and fire that forged me into who I am today.
My life now is... wonderful. It's complicated, and emotional, and kind of strange, but I like all of those things. And I think I've finally learned what happiness is. How to be happy. I've stopped focusing so much on the future and started focusing on now. Because now is what matters. The only way I can think of to get past that fear of death is to enjoy the moment. I think I'm starting to understand why and how people can say "If I died right now, I'd be happy/okay" For the longest time I could never understand that because I feel like holding onto my life with all of my strength and force to keep it from being torn unfairly, untimely from me. And I do still feel that way. But I've experience such joy and happiness by just teaching myself to stop wishing so much.
Anyway. i think I'm going to move to a new journal, for a new chapter in my life. I'll friend anyone who's still around.
<3
My life now is... wonderful. It's complicated, and emotional, and kind of strange, but I like all of those things. And I think I've finally learned what happiness is. How to be happy. I've stopped focusing so much on the future and started focusing on now. Because now is what matters. The only way I can think of to get past that fear of death is to enjoy the moment. I think I'm starting to understand why and how people can say "If I died right now, I'd be happy/okay" For the longest time I could never understand that because I feel like holding onto my life with all of my strength and force to keep it from being torn unfairly, untimely from me. And I do still feel that way. But I've experience such joy and happiness by just teaching myself to stop wishing so much.
Anyway. i think I'm going to move to a new journal, for a new chapter in my life. I'll friend anyone who's still around.
<3