JFT #38/Broke Apart
JFT #38
Broke Apart
I felt all broken inside.
Curt helped Jack get dressed, but he kept stealing glances at me. Me. Like
I was the one who was sick. Or dying.
Maybe I was.
"Curt," I began hoarsely.
"You don't have to say anything, man."
"Yeah, I do. I mean...I know you hate me, but...make sure he gets to the
hospital, all right?"
Curt nodded, but he looked so fucking tragic. Kinda like he did when Brian
went missing.
Jack had to be really sick. He never went out in public without make-up.
He seemed almost..vulnerable. Which was a shock to me. Jack was always
strong. Always.
I handed a small totebag to Brian. "You packed?" he asked curiously.
"Just a few things he might need."
Jack turned to face me, probably unaware that he was leaning on Curt for
support. That would have hurt some more. If I could possibly feel any
worse.
"What have I done to you, my love?" he whispered.
I shook my head dumbly. I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't.
"I wanted to spare you--"
"You shut me out," I whispered back, astonished that I could still be so
angry when all I wanted to do was cry.
"If I had the strength, I would shake you," he said with a faint smile.
"You need to go," I said quickly. I was losing what little control I had
left, and I wanted him gone when I did. Gone. What a fucking awful word.
Suddenly there was a hole in my chest so wide and so deep that it hurt to
breathe.
"Y'know, it's funny," I said. "I came here to convince you that we should
stay together--"
Jack sagged against Curt, as if he'd taken a blow, and Curt grimaced. "I
know you feel betrayed, but you're wrong--"
"I know."
"You do?"
I laughed, but the sound felt brittle and empty. Like me. "I know you're
not lovers. But I'm still fucking jealous. Isn't that stupid?"
Jack reached out to caress the side of my face, and I couldn't keep from
leaning into his trembling hand. "No, my love, you've never been stupid.
But I have. I held you at arm's length when I should have buried myself
deep inside you. And that's why you hurt."
He understood. Oh, God, he understood. How could I give that up?
With visible effort, Jack pushed himself forward till his lips touched my
ear. "But I do love you. Oh, so very much."
I stared at him, my mouth working to produce some kind of a sound, but
nothing came out. So I followed my broken heart and kissed him. "I love
you, too," I choked out.
"Take as long as you need. To think, I mean." Jack stopped, frowned, and I
could sense frustration pouring off him in waves. It wasn't like him to be
at a loss for words. But then, we'd never been to anywhere as dark as this
place before.
His hand gripped mine. Hard. Then he was gone.
I imagined that Curt and Brian had their hands full just getting him into
the taxi, but now I had no doubt that he would get into hospital. With
Jack away in hospital, there was no longer any reason for me to leave.
So I decided to stay. For now.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and contemplated how long Jack must have
lain here, pretending nothing was wrong, pretending we were all right.
Only it didn't make me mad anymore. Just incredibly sad.
That's when I realized that the pain in my hand was real. I hadn't even
registered that I was clenching my fists till now. I opened my left hand
and something fell out.
It was my ring. Jack must have given it back to me when he grabbed my
hand.
God, I loved him.
*****