JFT #34/Only
JFT #34
Only
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
There is no you, there is only me
Only--Nine Inch Nails
I knew they would come.
"Jack? Open the door. We know you're in there."
I leaned against the door and struggled for breath. This was so fucking
hard. First, Arthur. Now, Curt and Brian.
They pounded on the door. I shuddered and ground my teeth and prayed that
the earth would swallow me up. But God was being strangely uncooperative.
"Jackkkk!" Ah, that would be Curt. Impatient. He was undoubtedly in a
panic right about now. I wished there was something I could do to ease his
pain, but I couldn't even help myself.
"Go...go away," I said, but I didn't think they could hear me over the
noise.
Suddenly the pounding stopped.
"Jack? Talk to us, Jack. Please." And that was Brian. Clever, too
intuitive by half, he would see right through me. If I let him.
So I couldn't let him.
I heard the sound of a boot grinding something into the pavement. Curt
must have thrown down his cigarette. "Look, man, either you're coming out
or we're coming in. Your choice, Jack."
No choice. I had no choice. I closed my eyes and sank to the floor. If I
was capable of thinking at all, I would have realized that such behavior
was unbecoming in a diva of my stature.
But then I was no longer a diva at all. I was just another guy unlucky at
love.
*****
"How are we going to get in there, Curt? I hardly think Jack is going to
thank us if we ring the police."
"No need. Gimme a credit card."
"Excuse me?"
Curt snapped his fingers, and I reluctantly dug into my pockets for my
wallet. "I hope you know what you're doing," I grumbled.
Curt slid the card expertly into the lock. With an audible snick, it
opened. He handed back the card, and I eyed him suspiciously. "Where did
you learn to do that?"
"Umm...high school? Auto shop?"
"Pull the other one, Curt."
"Well, that's what you get for growing up in a privileged neighborhood,
babe. All the stuff you learned is useless."
I could have argued that point, but we were in a hurry.
*****
There was nowhere to hide. So I lay on the floor and tried to stay calm.
Only my nerves were frayed beyond recognition.
When Curt pushed open the door behind me, I rolled out of the way. Brian
looked like he was going to cry, while Curt merely looked angry. So...I
was going to be forced to suffer his wrath as well. So be it.
I deserved that. And more.
"Are you all right, Jack?"
"What the fuck are you doing, man?"
They both assaulted me at the same time. Or rather that's what it felt
like. Brian was all concern. I had managed to touch his heart when I
rescued him, and there was a connection there that, under other
circumstances, I would have applauded. Curt, on the other hand, had a face
like a thundercloud. I disappointed him, and to Curt, that was worse than
being one of the people who randomly pissed him off.
"Which question would you like me to answer?"
Curt threw his hands up in the air and stormed into the living room. Brian
offered me his hand and pulled me to my feet. At one time, I would have
said that was the difference between them right there. But now they were
like halves of the same whole, and it could easily have been the other way
around.
"What's going on, Jack? This isn't like you."
Forgive me, Brian. "Now that you've seen me, I would like both of you to
leave."
"Jack!"
"I mean it. Get out." If I had yelled, perhaps they would have realized,
but my voice was quiet and hard and completely under control.
"No problem, man." Curt flipped me the finger as he passed by, and I
managed not to wince. I loved both of them, truly, but Curt was undeniably
special to me.
No more so than when he turned on his heel, tight-lipped and trembling.
"Did you ever care about him?"
Arthur. My breath caught in my throat and my eyes watered. I didn't dare
speak.
"Or any of us?"
Fortunately, he didn't wait for an answer. The moment the door closed, I
collapsed. This time I hoped I wouldn't get up.
*****