Ten Years After/Part 7
The sound of his voice is a chaotic litany inside my head. His tears fall
like rain on the desert that is me. I am so parched, I'm afraid that I'll
burn to ash and disappear before he can save me from myself.
"You're real."
"Yes."
I dig my fingernails into his arms, and it has to hurt, I know it has to,
but he doesn't pull away. Not one fucking inch.
"I thought I made you up."
His breathing, so harsh and noisy at first, evens out. "We have to leave."
"And go where?"
"Anywhere. Away from here."
"I'm scared."
"I know." Curt presses a kiss to my forehead, and I close my eyes. It's
like benediction.
"I haven't been beautiful in a very long time," I whisper, and for a
second, I realize just how irrational that must sound. But I don't care. I
haven't spoken the truth in so long, it hurts. And that...is a good thing.
It means that someplace, deep inside where I can't even see, I'm still
alive.
"You don't have to be."
That, too, is truth. Once upon a time, Curt never would have dared say
that. Not so I could hear. It's not what I expected.
He pulls me to my feet, and I stand unsteadily. I'm too weak to walk
without help, but I hesitate to lean on him. It's as if we're strangers.
Yet not.
He reads my mind. Or my heart. Though how that could be after this long is
a mystery. He picks me up and carries me without missing a beat. I am
terrified of going outside, but I don't have to look. I bury my face
against his chest. He smells of cigarettes and leather, and the sense
memory is so strong, it's almost beyond bearing.
Curt grips me so tightly, I convince myself that I still mean something to
him. No. No more lies. I know I do. I just don't know what that is.
"Talk to me," I whisper.
"About what?"
"Anything. I need to hear your voice."
"I don't hear Tommy outside anymore. He must have gone to get Shannon and
the security guards I saw before."
Suddenly I can sense the fear in him, and I know we're going to be stopped
before we can get out of the hotel. "There's a back way."
I used to use it when I went outside. It's the only other way out. But it
means giving up the security of being in his arms. I'll have to lead...and
I don't know if I can do that.
He doesn't push. He just waits for me to make a decision.
I unwind my arms from around his neck, and he puts me down. I still can't
look too deeply into those eyes, afraid of what I'll find, but I hold onto
his hand. "This way."
His fingers twine around mine, and I feel stronger. We're still
handicapped by my lack of speed, but I'm familiar with the hotel, which
should give us some advantage.
It takes several minutes to reach the outside. We fall into a silence that
is neither comfortable nor uncomfortable, and I'm grateful for that much.
When I put my hand on the door, though, I can't bring myself to open it.
The world is out there.
Curt steals up behind me and places his hand over mine. "Together, okay?"
I give him a startled look, and he smiles. As if he knows there is a
double meaning to what he just said. As if he means both of them.
I was wrong. The world isn't out there. It's in here with me.
*****