just 'cause i had to
i went online and collected some good ones... do i have a weird sense of humor?
1. A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems
2. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
3. It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.
4. Laugh and the world laughs with you... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans
5. Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
6. Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
7. Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
8. There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
9. A friend of mine was at a drive-thru window with a carload of buddies (all were under the influence of pot) and said something that ended up being extremely funny to the other stoned people. So, as the drive-thru girl is asking them what they want, all that you can hear in the car is raucous laughter. So the driver of the car turns around to his passengers and yells, loud enough for the girl to hear and then some, 'GUYS, SHUT UP, OR SHE'LL KNOW WE'RE ON DRUGS!!'
10. Heard on a bus in Orlando - "As you exit the vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language."
11. I was always kind of scared by my mother's obsession with the 'good scissors.' It implied that somewhere in the house lurked... the evil scissors.
12. Streakers *repant* your end is in sight
13. A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
14. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
15. Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
16. Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
17. For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord
18. I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
19. Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
20. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
21. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
22. We reserve the right to arm bears
23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
24. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
25. Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
26. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
27. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
28. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
29. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
30. It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.
31. . Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get.
32. Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with ketchup.
33. Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
34. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
35. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
36. We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
37. When ideas fail, words become very handy.
38. "The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
39. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse. He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed.
40. A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose.
41. Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
42. All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
43. Aquadextrious - The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.
44. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with a 12-gauge.
45. 'It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames'
46. Fat people are harder to kidnap.
47. Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
48. There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
1. A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems
2. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
3. It's a small world. Then the airline loses your luggage.
4. Laugh and the world laughs with you... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans
5. Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
6. Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
7. Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
8. There's something in this room that makes you can't speak well.
9. A friend of mine was at a drive-thru window with a carload of buddies (all were under the influence of pot) and said something that ended up being extremely funny to the other stoned people. So, as the drive-thru girl is asking them what they want, all that you can hear in the car is raucous laughter. So the driver of the car turns around to his passengers and yells, loud enough for the girl to hear and then some, 'GUYS, SHUT UP, OR SHE'LL KNOW WE'RE ON DRUGS!!'
10. Heard on a bus in Orlando - "As you exit the vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language."
11. I was always kind of scared by my mother's obsession with the 'good scissors.' It implied that somewhere in the house lurked... the evil scissors.
12. Streakers *repant* your end is in sight
13. A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
14. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
15. Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
16. Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
17. For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord
18. I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
19. Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
20. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
21. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
22. We reserve the right to arm bears
23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
24. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
25. Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
26. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
27. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
28. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
29. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
30. It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.
31. . Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get.
32. Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with ketchup.
33. Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
34. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
35. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
36. We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
37. When ideas fail, words become very handy.
38. "The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
39. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse. He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed.
40. A murmur ran through the court and before the bailiff could grab it, it jumped up and bit judge Webster on the nose.
41. Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
42. All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
43. Aquadextrious - The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.
44. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with a 12-gauge.
45. 'It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames'
46. Fat people are harder to kidnap.
47. Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
48. There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.