Γ 16
I feel as though I am always speaking of the benefits of confession, when the curses so often force us to air truths we'd prefer to keep under wraps. Today I find myself ashamed to have confessed; both because I lied, and because I did not.
I strive to be an honest man. I am a good man when I can be one. But honesty is nearly always possible, and as I am a poor liar, even when it is inappropriate the truth tends to find its way out. Much of my tale was true, yesterday. I did go to rob Blood's villa-- to 'solve the place,' as my friend Auk would have said-- and I did find my way to Hyacinth's quarters as I sought to escape his guards. I won't repeat all of it; I'm ashamed to have spoken so candidly, when there are so many in this City who should not hear of those matters.
The great lie I told, under the curse's influence, was that I stayed with her. Though she did ask me to, I refused. She threatened me with an azoth-- I've been told she would not really have harmed me, and I am inclined to believe those who told me so-- and I leaped from her window to escape it. In truth this is as embarrassing as the lie, when I imagine what a fool I must have seemed. That is how I broke my ankle; and needless to say I was swiftly captured as I tried in vain to reach the boundaries of Blood's property.
But now-- I have been thinking all day how to say this, yet I am still uncertain how best to word what I wish to express. There are things I know, things I do not need to question-- things of which I am certain. I know that the Outsider loves each and every one of us; that had I broken my oaths he would have forgiven me. I know that love is the most important thing in the whorl. That we must love one another, if we are to survive; that love is what keeps us whole and human, and that no one who truly loves another can be a bad person at heart.
I said yesterday that I try to love all bios, and that I usually succeed; and when I do not the failing is certainly my own, for there is no one so irredeemably evil that he has no spark of goodness in him. That is the truth; I'd like to believe it's in my nature to feel that way, but the truth is it is something we are taught in the schola, a part of becoming an augur. It ties in to the issue of anipotence; we do not marry, we have no biochemical family, because all men and women are our family. We have no children, but call everyone who lives in our quarter my child. I said that in that respect, it is not wrong to love, and that is true today as well; it would have been wrong, however, to forsake my vows and my duty for the sake of the body's desires, and knowing that, refusing to remain was really not so difficult a choice.
And yet... Denying yesterday's confession, I feel like I am lying again. I should say; I have loved three women in my life. My mother, first, to whom I owe my life and everything I am today. Maytera Marble, who has been a true and constant friend to me, a help and a comfort when I first came to the Sun Street manteion. And Hyacinth; Hyacinth whom I left in her cage, thrusting her invisible blade through the air like the Rani's troopers. I cannot say for certain whether I regret not staying, because it was not really my decision to make-- I owe the gods too much to forsake them. In the same position once more, I would not stay with her.
And yet to say today that I do not love her would be a lie.
I am not a lecher, and I seek not to be a liar; whether I am a traitor or a heretic remains to be seen, and certainly there are those who would label me as such. All I can do is try to be truthful, and be a good man when I can.
Judge me if you will; the Outsider and Comely Kypris know my heart, and do not hold it against me, and for that I am more thankful than I have words to show. May Pas forgive me; may Hyacinth forgive me as well, at home in our whorl.
I strive to be an honest man. I am a good man when I can be one. But honesty is nearly always possible, and as I am a poor liar, even when it is inappropriate the truth tends to find its way out. Much of my tale was true, yesterday. I did go to rob Blood's villa-- to 'solve the place,' as my friend Auk would have said-- and I did find my way to Hyacinth's quarters as I sought to escape his guards. I won't repeat all of it; I'm ashamed to have spoken so candidly, when there are so many in this City who should not hear of those matters.
The great lie I told, under the curse's influence, was that I stayed with her. Though she did ask me to, I refused. She threatened me with an azoth-- I've been told she would not really have harmed me, and I am inclined to believe those who told me so-- and I leaped from her window to escape it. In truth this is as embarrassing as the lie, when I imagine what a fool I must have seemed. That is how I broke my ankle; and needless to say I was swiftly captured as I tried in vain to reach the boundaries of Blood's property.
But now-- I have been thinking all day how to say this, yet I am still uncertain how best to word what I wish to express. There are things I know, things I do not need to question-- things of which I am certain. I know that the Outsider loves each and every one of us; that had I broken my oaths he would have forgiven me. I know that love is the most important thing in the whorl. That we must love one another, if we are to survive; that love is what keeps us whole and human, and that no one who truly loves another can be a bad person at heart.
I said yesterday that I try to love all bios, and that I usually succeed; and when I do not the failing is certainly my own, for there is no one so irredeemably evil that he has no spark of goodness in him. That is the truth; I'd like to believe it's in my nature to feel that way, but the truth is it is something we are taught in the schola, a part of becoming an augur. It ties in to the issue of anipotence; we do not marry, we have no biochemical family, because all men and women are our family. We have no children, but call everyone who lives in our quarter my child. I said that in that respect, it is not wrong to love, and that is true today as well; it would have been wrong, however, to forsake my vows and my duty for the sake of the body's desires, and knowing that, refusing to remain was really not so difficult a choice.
And yet... Denying yesterday's confession, I feel like I am lying again. I should say; I have loved three women in my life. My mother, first, to whom I owe my life and everything I am today. Maytera Marble, who has been a true and constant friend to me, a help and a comfort when I first came to the Sun Street manteion. And Hyacinth; Hyacinth whom I left in her cage, thrusting her invisible blade through the air like the Rani's troopers. I cannot say for certain whether I regret not staying, because it was not really my decision to make-- I owe the gods too much to forsake them. In the same position once more, I would not stay with her.
And yet to say today that I do not love her would be a lie.
I am not a lecher, and I seek not to be a liar; whether I am a traitor or a heretic remains to be seen, and certainly there are those who would label me as such. All I can do is try to be truthful, and be a good man when I can.
Judge me if you will; the Outsider and Comely Kypris know my heart, and do not hold it against me, and for that I am more thankful than I have words to show. May Pas forgive me; may Hyacinth forgive me as well, at home in our whorl.