How to Survive the Reign of the She-Devil
Title: How to Survive the Reign of the She-Devil, or How House Learned to Stop Worrying and Use a Ballpoint Pen
Pairing: House/Red Lolly FTW! No, there's no Inanimate Object Kink here. Just crack.
Disclaimer: I'm relieved to say that I don't own House, Cuddy, the She-Devil, Nurse Ratched or the Much-Abused Friend. Or a copy of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook for that matter.
Small technical comment: This might look highly peculiar to users who don't have Viner Hand ITC or staccato222 BT installed.
Summary: Challenge from Angelfirenze: Combine The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook with the House-verse. I'm not entirely sure this is what she had in mind. I tried. I really tried, but then that bastard Dr. House got his hands on it and everything went downhill from there…
Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Employee Manual
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
Princeton-Plainsboro Edition
Edited by Dr. L. Cuddy, Dean of Medicine She-Devil
with notes by Dr. G. House, Evil Genius-in-Charge
Section One: General information
How to find your way around PPTH Translation: Don't count on finding anything anytime soon
1. Please refer to the conveniently placed directories. if you can find them
2. Remember that the chapel has moved from the first to the second floor above the lobby.
3. And the Wallace wing is now the Randle wing.
4. And the Pincus wing recently sprouted a new floor.
5. Nuclear Imaging quantum tunnels to the third floor every other Wednesday.
6. Pathology has disappeared but we believe it can be found in the void left by Nuclear Imaging every other Wednesday.
7. The clinic exists in the seventh circle of hell.
8. The seventh circle of hell can be found just off the New Jersey Turnpike, exit 7A. Not here. That's just a vicious rumor started by Nurse Ratched and the She-Devil.
9. And the pharmacy randomly fluctuates between the seventh circle of hell and the balcony overlooking the corridor behind the proctology lounge.
What to do if you are a balcony
1. Make sure you are not hallucinating.
2. Keep moving. It’s important to keep limber.
3. Stay away from spotty teenagers. They might have worms. Throw them off if you need to.
What to do when parking on hospital premises
1. PPTH has two areas for staff parking: The outside parking lot and the parking garage.
2. The parking garage was last seen on October 23, 2006, just after 3pm. We are currently attempting to locate it.
3. And despite ugly rumours, we are working to recover the parked employee cars. Such as a classic '65 cherry red Corvette? Right?!
4. The outside parking lot has assigned places for senior doctors, researchers and members of administration. These places are assigned by the Dean's office according to seniority and need. Arbitrary, harebrained criteria and petty personal grievances. And sexual favors.
How to schedule imaging tests
1. Imaging Department Administration can be contacted on extension 0413. They are very helpful. Says who?
2. Appointments may be rescheduled according to need. the whims of the Evil Genius-in-Charge
3. Misuse of equipment will result in administrative sanctions.
4. But not if you have a really, really good reason. And .38 caliber hollow points are ferromagnetic. Just so you know.
Section Two: Diagnostic Procedure We have a procedure?!
What to do when confronted with a medical mystery
1. Remember, it’s never lupus. almost never lupus.
2. Or vasculitis.
3. Or sarcoidosis.
4. Or Wegener’s granulomatosis. Note to self: Tape list to inside of minions' eyelids
5. In fact, the symptoms won’t fit any disease known to man.
6. Obtain the help from a genius who can figure it out anyway. For reasons that defy understanding, there is only one such genius in the greater Princeton-Plainsboro area. There are plenty of other doctors, oh yes, but they all specialise in misdiagnoses. Consequently, start pestering the esteemed and world-renowned Dr. House.
How to obtain help for diagnostic purposes from a genius who can figure it out anyway
1. PPTH has a dedicated diagnostic team headed by Dr. House (extension 4213).Good try
2. Be sure you really need help before asking. Be very sure. You don't think you need help? Oh yes, you do: Medical and evolutionary
3. Blackmail won’t work. He probably has something worse on you - and you can be sure your embarrassment threshold is far lower than his is. Hell yeah!
4. Bribery is essential. Start with lollipops, then move on to free meals and, if all else fails, barter some clinic hours.
5. Cleavage makes him highly cooperative, mostly because blood can only be one place at a time. Hey! I resent that but it explains a lot
6. This works best if you are a hospital administrator.
7. Threats of prison are always effective. Please note: You should expect the faint sound of a thousand voices groaning 'oh please, not again'. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal. However, you should probably use it as a last resort only. and prepare to be ignored
8. See #6.
9. If you are still utterly unsuccessful, lie. Invent a cousin. Must! Kill! Wilson!
What to do when the case has been referred to the Department of Diagnostics while The Genius works
1. The diagnostic process takes time, but we here at PPTH have an excellent success rate. WE?!
2. Remember that this won't stop the diagnostic team from running around like headless chickens. Don't worry. It's perfectly normal.
3. Note that Dr. House won't be running per se. Nice - but remember that Dr. House is always eventually right
4. Dr. House might claim to be 'always eventually right', but 'eventually' tends to mean well after the 36th minute. If you are only in the second act, and are neither James Wilson nor Walter Matthau, you should expect a few random seizures and/or copious bleeding out of every orifice - preferably on the part of the patient. What act? Walter Matthau?! Cuddy, what the hell have you been smoking? I want some!
5. If you, at any point, feel that you have had an epiphany and decide to tell Dr. House, remember to duck. Only if you're distantly related to a platypus. Or an echidna. Or anything antipodean really.
Section Three: Emergency procedures
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly develops cardiac arrhythmia
1. Alert the emergency staff. Yell random big words. It won’t help, but it'll pass time until a nurse shows up to actually do something.
2. Evaluate the patient to determine if electrical conversion is needed. No no no. Always crank up the defibrillator. Looks much more dramatic.
3. Never, ever hand Kutner the paddles. You'll be electrocuted and contrary to popular claims, that hurts.
4. Keep a fire extinguisher at hand!
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly starts bleeding out of every orifice
1. See What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly develop cardiac arrhythmia.
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly seizes
1. See What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly starts bleeding.
Wow, this is so useful. I feel perfectly informed now.
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly tries to throw herself off a balcony
1. Take a guess.
2. Obviously, if you are the patient, please don’t - oh…sorry, too late.
3. Call housekeeping.
What to do if you wake up and see Dr. House listed as your attending
1. Make sure you are not hallucinating. Seriously, that almost never happ - okay, fair point
2. Please cooperate fully with your doctors. Since we know that'll never happen: Run
3. And comply with treatment. And since we know you won't do that: Stagger
4. It is of utmost importance that you answer any questions honestly. Seriously?! Crawl!
5. Oh, who cares anyway? Just get as far away as possible before you start seizing, bleeding or throwing yourself off balconies.
What to do if you are indeed hallucinating
1. Don't worry. It's perfectly normal.
2. Assume the worst. Really.
Section Four: Psychiatric services
How to recognize renegade psychiatric patients
1. Usual signs are unkempt clothing, facial hair and a pronounced limp. The Cleavage of Death!
2. If and when you encounter a person matching this description, please move away slowly and alert the Dean's administrative assistant and/or security.
3. Do not under any circumstances attempt to feed the person. No, do always feed him.
What to do if a patient asks who Dr. House is
1. Assume it's a renegade psychiatric patient not covered in the section above.
2. Duck.
3. But remember that if you point out Dr. House to anyone, your head is likely to have a regrettable encounter with a cane-shaped object - just as soon as the stitches come out.
What to do if a patient tries to kill you
1. Assume he has you confused with Dr. House.
2. Duck.
3. If you are Dr. House: Stop provoking the patients! You think it's my fault?! Tell you what Cuddy, next time a madman decides to use me for target practice, I'll use you as cover. Deal?
Section Five: Miscellaneous information to make your stay with us more pleasant enslavement here much, much easier
What to do if a patient comes into the clinic complaining of leg pain
1. Contrary to unrelenting rumours, Carmen Electra has never graced the clinic with her presence.
12. Verify the identity of the patient. Is the name G. House or does he appear to be a renegade psychiatric patient (see Section Four)? If no, follow clinical guidelines.
23. If the answer is yes, run. Don’t worry, he can’t catch you. comply with his every wish and whim - and he can catch you! He'll get you when you least expect it. That goes for you too, Cuddy!
What to do if a co-worker has an unfortunate encounter with a police officer
1. Is it a manically grinning, pudgy cop with a hole in his head?
2. If no, see below.
3. If yes, place your co-worker in isolation. and hide all sharp objects
4. Remember that searches of patient homes is not covered by your contract. Yeah, good luck with that argument - although, if you're not a fan of throwing up...YUCK!
5. If you're a small rodent answering to the name Steve, you might want to start clawing your way out of your cage right about now.
What to do if a co-worker has an unfortunate encounter with a police officer who's not grinning manically
1. Is it a menacing brute and were there a thermometer involved?
2. If yes, withdraw all your funds, close your account, hide your car and start transferring your patients. Oh. That's probably a good idea.
3. PPTH cannot offer legal advice to employees involved in ongoing police investigations.
4. Nor can PPTH guarentee the privacy of patients and staff alike.Really?! I never noticed. I also have a bad case of sarcasm poisoning.
5. Remember that you don't have to answer any questions!
What to do if a vengeful cop is targeting you
1. Ignore it.
2. Ignore it.
3. Ignore it.
4. Go to rehab.
5. Ignore it.
What to do if your Lord and Master decrees he's hungry
1. Search the Diagnostic Department fridge. You’ll find a jar of Vegemite and three old Petri dishes that should have been autoclaved several months ago. Come to think of it, so should the Vegemite.
2. Try the doctor’s lounge. If you’re lucky someone has just made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If not, remember that passive aggressive sandwich making is frowned upon by most reputable brands of bread, jelly and peanut butter.
3. Raid the Oncology fridge. Any passive aggressive post-its can be taken as an invitation, particularly if they say ‘Mine!’, ‘Keeps your filthy paws off my lunch’ or ‘Don’t touch -- anthrax flavoured’. Strangely, the expected free lunch offerings have dwindled of late.
4. Find a Wilson. Wrestle the Wilson into going to the cafeteria. Make the Wilson pay. Bring back the bounty. Watch your Lord and Master eat.
What to do if your lunch has gone walkabout
1. Find House.
2. Yell at House.
3. Take a deep breath.
4. Go to the cafeteria.
Oh, and never trust renegade psychiatric patients. Or feed them.
(Additional notes by Dr. J.E.Wilson, Much-Abused Friend)
***
"Hey, I was working on that!"
"Only if you're using the loosest possible definition of work."
"I'm preparing…hey, that's not funny!"
"…"
"You're giggling."
"You look ridiculous when you try to be serious."
"I am serious. I'm preparing an employee manual for my minions. And you're still laughing."
"An employee manual?! It says The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook."
"And? I have to give them a few pointers on surviving the evil reign of Cuddy."
"No doubt giving them the full benefit of your many years of dedicated depravity and delinquency."
"It's all part of the learning experience."
"Lord and Master?!"
"I'm amazed you're surprised."
"You are an evil, evil man."
"Of course. That's why we get along so well."
The rest, as the poet once said, is the sound of two grown men bickering.
The End!
Pairing: House/Red Lolly FTW! No, there's no Inanimate Object Kink here. Just crack.
Disclaimer: I'm relieved to say that I don't own House, Cuddy, the She-Devil, Nurse Ratched or the Much-Abused Friend. Or a copy of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook for that matter.
Small technical comment: This might look highly peculiar to users who don't have Viner Hand ITC or staccato222 BT installed.
Summary: Challenge from Angelfirenze: Combine The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook with the House-verse. I'm not entirely sure this is what she had in mind. I tried. I really tried, but then that bastard Dr. House got his hands on it and everything went downhill from there…
Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Employee Manual
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
Princeton-Plainsboro Edition
Edited by Dr. L. Cuddy, Dean of Medicine She-Devil
with notes by Dr. G. House, Evil Genius-in-Charge
Section One: General information
How to find your way around PPTH Translation: Don't count on finding anything anytime soon
1. Please refer to the conveniently placed directories. if you can find them
2. Remember that the chapel has moved from the first to the second floor above the lobby.
3. And the Wallace wing is now the Randle wing.
4. And the Pincus wing recently sprouted a new floor.
5. Nuclear Imaging quantum tunnels to the third floor every other Wednesday.
6. Pathology has disappeared but we believe it can be found in the void left by Nuclear Imaging every other Wednesday.
7. The clinic exists in the seventh circle of hell.
8. The seventh circle of hell can be found just off the New Jersey Turnpike, exit 7A. Not here. That's just a vicious rumor started by Nurse Ratched and the She-Devil.
9. And the pharmacy randomly fluctuates between the seventh circle of hell and the balcony overlooking the corridor behind the proctology lounge.
What to do if you are a balcony
1. Make sure you are not hallucinating.
2. Keep moving. It’s important to keep limber.
3. Stay away from spotty teenagers. They might have worms. Throw them off if you need to.
What to do when parking on hospital premises
1. PPTH has two areas for staff parking: The outside parking lot and the parking garage.
2. The parking garage was last seen on October 23, 2006, just after 3pm. We are currently attempting to locate it.
3. And despite ugly rumours, we are working to recover the parked employee cars. Such as a classic '65 cherry red Corvette? Right?!
4. The outside parking lot has assigned places for senior doctors, researchers and members of administration. These places are assigned by the Dean's office according to seniority and need. Arbitrary, harebrained criteria and petty personal grievances. And sexual favors.
How to schedule imaging tests
1. Imaging Department Administration can be contacted on extension 0413. They are very helpful. Says who?
2. Appointments may be rescheduled according to need. the whims of the Evil Genius-in-Charge
3. Misuse of equipment will result in administrative sanctions.
4. But not if you have a really, really good reason. And .38 caliber hollow points are ferromagnetic. Just so you know.
Section Two: Diagnostic Procedure We have a procedure?!
What to do when confronted with a medical mystery
1. Remember, it’s never lupus. almost never lupus.
2. Or vasculitis.
3. Or sarcoidosis.
4. Or Wegener’s granulomatosis. Note to self: Tape list to inside of minions' eyelids
5. In fact, the symptoms won’t fit any disease known to man.
6. Obtain the help from a genius who can figure it out anyway. For reasons that defy understanding, there is only one such genius in the greater Princeton-Plainsboro area. There are plenty of other doctors, oh yes, but they all specialise in misdiagnoses. Consequently, start pestering the esteemed and world-renowned Dr. House.
How to obtain help for diagnostic purposes from a genius who can figure it out anyway
1. PPTH has a dedicated diagnostic team headed by Dr. House (extension 4213).Good try
2. Be sure you really need help before asking. Be very sure. You don't think you need help? Oh yes, you do: Medical and evolutionary
3. Blackmail won’t work. He probably has something worse on you - and you can be sure your embarrassment threshold is far lower than his is. Hell yeah!
4. Bribery is essential. Start with lollipops, then move on to free meals and, if all else fails, barter some clinic hours.
5. Cleavage makes him highly cooperative, mostly because blood can only be one place at a time. Hey! I resent that but it explains a lot
6. This works best if you are a hospital administrator.
7. Threats of prison are always effective. Please note: You should expect the faint sound of a thousand voices groaning 'oh please, not again'. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal. However, you should probably use it as a last resort only. and prepare to be ignored
8. See #6.
9. If you are still utterly unsuccessful, lie. Invent a cousin. Must! Kill! Wilson!
What to do when the case has been referred to the Department of Diagnostics while The Genius works
1. The diagnostic process takes time, but we here at PPTH have an excellent success rate. WE?!
2. Remember that this won't stop the diagnostic team from running around like headless chickens. Don't worry. It's perfectly normal.
3. Note that Dr. House won't be running per se. Nice - but remember that Dr. House is always eventually right
4. Dr. House might claim to be 'always eventually right', but 'eventually' tends to mean well after the 36th minute. If you are only in the second act, and are neither James Wilson nor Walter Matthau, you should expect a few random seizures and/or copious bleeding out of every orifice - preferably on the part of the patient. What act? Walter Matthau?! Cuddy, what the hell have you been smoking? I want some!
5. If you, at any point, feel that you have had an epiphany and decide to tell Dr. House, remember to duck. Only if you're distantly related to a platypus. Or an echidna. Or anything antipodean really.
Section Three: Emergency procedures
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly develops cardiac arrhythmia
1. Alert the emergency staff. Yell random big words. It won’t help, but it'll pass time until a nurse shows up to actually do something.
2. Evaluate the patient to determine if electrical conversion is needed. No no no. Always crank up the defibrillator. Looks much more dramatic.
3. Never, ever hand Kutner the paddles. You'll be electrocuted and contrary to popular claims, that hurts.
4. Keep a fire extinguisher at hand!
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly starts bleeding out of every orifice
1. See What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly develop cardiac arrhythmia.
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly seizes
1. See What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly starts bleeding.
Wow, this is so useful. I feel perfectly informed now.
What to do when the patient suddenly and unexpectedly tries to throw herself off a balcony
1. Take a guess.
2. Obviously, if you are the patient, please don’t - oh…sorry, too late.
3. Call housekeeping.
What to do if you wake up and see Dr. House listed as your attending
1. Make sure you are not hallucinating. Seriously, that almost never happ - okay, fair point
2. Please cooperate fully with your doctors. Since we know that'll never happen: Run
3. And comply with treatment. And since we know you won't do that: Stagger
4. It is of utmost importance that you answer any questions honestly. Seriously?! Crawl!
5. Oh, who cares anyway? Just get as far away as possible before you start seizing, bleeding or throwing yourself off balconies.
What to do if you are indeed hallucinating
1. Don't worry. It's perfectly normal.
2. Assume the worst. Really.
Section Four: Psychiatric services
How to recognize renegade psychiatric patients
1. Usual signs are unkempt clothing, facial hair and a pronounced limp. The Cleavage of Death!
2. If and when you encounter a person matching this description, please move away slowly and alert the Dean's administrative assistant and/or security.
3. Do not under any circumstances attempt to feed the person. No, do always feed him.
What to do if a patient asks who Dr. House is
1. Assume it's a renegade psychiatric patient not covered in the section above.
2. Duck.
3. But remember that if you point out Dr. House to anyone, your head is likely to have a regrettable encounter with a cane-shaped object - just as soon as the stitches come out.
What to do if a patient tries to kill you
1. Assume he has you confused with Dr. House.
2. Duck.
3. If you are Dr. House: Stop provoking the patients! You think it's my fault?! Tell you what Cuddy, next time a madman decides to use me for target practice, I'll use you as cover. Deal?
Section Five: Miscellaneous information to make your stay with us more pleasant enslavement here much, much easier
What to do if a patient comes into the clinic complaining of leg pain
1. Contrary to unrelenting rumours, Carmen Electra has never graced the clinic with her presence.
12. Verify the identity of the patient. Is the name G. House or does he appear to be a renegade psychiatric patient (see Section Four)? If no, follow clinical guidelines.
23. If the answer is yes, run. Don’t worry, he can’t catch you. comply with his every wish and whim - and he can catch you! He'll get you when you least expect it. That goes for you too, Cuddy!
What to do if a co-worker has an unfortunate encounter with a police officer
1. Is it a manically grinning, pudgy cop with a hole in his head?
2. If no, see below.
3. If yes, place your co-worker in isolation. and hide all sharp objects
4. Remember that searches of patient homes is not covered by your contract. Yeah, good luck with that argument - although, if you're not a fan of throwing up...YUCK!
5. If you're a small rodent answering to the name Steve, you might want to start clawing your way out of your cage right about now.
What to do if a co-worker has an unfortunate encounter with a police officer who's not grinning manically
1. Is it a menacing brute and were there a thermometer involved?
2. If yes, withdraw all your funds, close your account, hide your car and start transferring your patients. Oh. That's probably a good idea.
3. PPTH cannot offer legal advice to employees involved in ongoing police investigations.
4. Nor can PPTH guarentee the privacy of patients and staff alike.Really?! I never noticed. I also have a bad case of sarcasm poisoning.
5. Remember that you don't have to answer any questions!
What to do if a vengeful cop is targeting you
1. Ignore it.
2. Ignore it.
3. Ignore it.
4. Go to rehab.
5. Ignore it.
What to do if your Lord and Master decrees he's hungry
1. Search the Diagnostic Department fridge. You’ll find a jar of Vegemite and three old Petri dishes that should have been autoclaved several months ago. Come to think of it, so should the Vegemite.
2. Try the doctor’s lounge. If you’re lucky someone has just made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If not, remember that passive aggressive sandwich making is frowned upon by most reputable brands of bread, jelly and peanut butter.
3. Raid the Oncology fridge. Any passive aggressive post-its can be taken as an invitation, particularly if they say ‘Mine!’, ‘Keeps your filthy paws off my lunch’ or ‘Don’t touch -- anthrax flavoured’. Strangely, the expected free lunch offerings have dwindled of late.
4. Find a Wilson. Wrestle the Wilson into going to the cafeteria. Make the Wilson pay. Bring back the bounty. Watch your Lord and Master eat.
What to do if your lunch has gone walkabout
1. Find House.
2. Yell at House.
3. Take a deep breath.
4. Go to the cafeteria.
Oh, and never trust renegade psychiatric patients. Or feed them.
(Additional notes by Dr. J.E.Wilson, Much-Abused Friend)
***
"Hey, I was working on that!"
"Only if you're using the loosest possible definition of work."
"I'm preparing…hey, that's not funny!"
"…"
"You're giggling."
"You look ridiculous when you try to be serious."
"I am serious. I'm preparing an employee manual for my minions. And you're still laughing."
"An employee manual?! It says The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook."
"And? I have to give them a few pointers on surviving the evil reign of Cuddy."
"No doubt giving them the full benefit of your many years of dedicated depravity and delinquency."
"It's all part of the learning experience."
"Lord and Master?!"
"I'm amazed you're surprised."
"You are an evil, evil man."
"Of course. That's why we get along so well."
The rest, as the poet once said, is the sound of two grown men bickering.
The End!