Same old problems...
A mess of thoughts that's keeping me up lately:
I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
It seems whenever I try to do take a step in my life I fall face down and can't get up. School was always like that for me. I was never able to keep up good grades since 2nd grade. I would always start out great with flying colors even, but later in the year I just got bored/irritated/fatigued and dropped the ball causing my grades to drop as well... considerably.
Recently I decided I would take a break from school to try to my life in order. Like that did me any good. In fact I think my decision just made things worse and I feel just horrible.
This job I recently began (process serving) began great. I made 280 bucks in my first 3 days... but that wasn’t without the cost of 60 dollars worth of gas and 15 for food each day... so I made 85 dollars and after taxes its about 50 dollars... fucking hell.
This isn’t working out at all plus I feel morally uneasy doing this job. The only reason I took it was because a friend of mine offered it to me and my dad told me I had to get a job otherwise he wasn’t going to support me any longer (which is fair - I wont contest that).
Lately I've been treating myself very poorly. I've been eating less, sleeping less, and just being happy less mostly to conserve what money I have. I've probably lost lots of weight.
I've been thinking about getting another job all day and ditching this one. Perhaps something working in a gallery... at least that way I'll be close to the art community. This job has been taking up all my time, money, and energy and I believe it just isn’t worth all of that.
I miss Jenn. I miss her so much that I think about her every waking moment. I'm so fixated on her I'm afraid I'm becoming obsessed and I don't know how to handle it.
I think too much. I have shitty excuses for not doing what I need to do that make sense to me but no one else. I need a job I enjoy doing. I need to regain what I've lost. I need more time in the day. I need Jenn to hold me.
I'm just not liking myself right now.
For some reason I have a strong understanding of the world yet I can't do some of the simplest of things that even a monkey can be trained to do.
I feel uneasy, tired, frustrated, angry (at myself), trapped, powerless, worthless, and broken...
I thought writing it out would make me feel better... I was wrong.
I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
It seems whenever I try to do take a step in my life I fall face down and can't get up. School was always like that for me. I was never able to keep up good grades since 2nd grade. I would always start out great with flying colors even, but later in the year I just got bored/irritated/fatigued and dropped the ball causing my grades to drop as well... considerably.
Recently I decided I would take a break from school to try to my life in order. Like that did me any good. In fact I think my decision just made things worse and I feel just horrible.
This job I recently began (process serving) began great. I made 280 bucks in my first 3 days... but that wasn’t without the cost of 60 dollars worth of gas and 15 for food each day... so I made 85 dollars and after taxes its about 50 dollars... fucking hell.
This isn’t working out at all plus I feel morally uneasy doing this job. The only reason I took it was because a friend of mine offered it to me and my dad told me I had to get a job otherwise he wasn’t going to support me any longer (which is fair - I wont contest that).
Lately I've been treating myself very poorly. I've been eating less, sleeping less, and just being happy less mostly to conserve what money I have. I've probably lost lots of weight.
I've been thinking about getting another job all day and ditching this one. Perhaps something working in a gallery... at least that way I'll be close to the art community. This job has been taking up all my time, money, and energy and I believe it just isn’t worth all of that.
I miss Jenn. I miss her so much that I think about her every waking moment. I'm so fixated on her I'm afraid I'm becoming obsessed and I don't know how to handle it.
I think too much. I have shitty excuses for not doing what I need to do that make sense to me but no one else. I need a job I enjoy doing. I need to regain what I've lost. I need more time in the day. I need Jenn to hold me.
I'm just not liking myself right now.
For some reason I have a strong understanding of the world yet I can't do some of the simplest of things that even a monkey can be trained to do.
I feel uneasy, tired, frustrated, angry (at myself), trapped, powerless, worthless, and broken...
I thought writing it out would make me feel better... I was wrong.