I can't even count the days since I last smiled
I feel really shitty all the time. Like I have no purpose. I just go through life getting ignored and not cared for by most people. They say they care, but I don't believe them because all the evidence proves otherwise. They never show it. There's only one person who really does, and even that person doesn't seem to care as much as they say. Iduno... it's hard to explain... I just don't feel loved anymore. Everyone has so many other things going on, I feel like they all left me behind and forgot about me. It's like that new toy, when you first get it you're excited, you wanna play with it every day and you cherish it because it's so cool. But then after a while you get a new toy and the old toy isn't as cool anymore. That's kinda how I feel, like I'm the old toy that got replaced by the better one. It's like, I'm the substitute person in everyone's life. I'm just there until they find something better. And everyone's found something better. I mean, I understand, people have lives. They have jobs, they have boyfriends or girlfriends, they have other important things in their lives. But that doesn't mean they should ignore me because they have something better to do... why hold on to poeple you don't care about. Why keep them dangling waiting for you to call or just simply say "Hey, how are you?" I haven't hung out with anyone but Josh in a really long time. I LOVE hanging out with Josh. He's a lot of fun, but what about all the other important people in my life? Where are they? Why have they forgotten about me? What's so horrible about me that no one but Josh really seems to care? Am I really that bad that people don't want me around but I seem so lonely and friendless that they feel bad for cutting me out completely? I mean, seriously. Stop toying with me people! It hurts! How long has it been since I last saw Rob? And then he shows up out of the blue a few months ago, gets me goin again, and then never comes back. Why? I was just starting to get over you, and now here I am, falling for you again, and you're not even here! Then there's Chris Gibson. He asked me out forever ago, broke up with me four days later, then asked me out again two weeks later. I don't know what he did to me, but I just can't seem to let him go. And then there's Jon. He's a really good friend of mine. I feel like I can talk about anything with him. I love him like a brother. Then one day he decides that he doesn't want me in his life. Poof! FUCK OFF ANJIE! Then two months later I have a shitty day so I go to his house to talk to his mom cause I figure she'll have some advice for me. I purposely left before he got home because I took the hint and tried my best to stay away. Then the next day he shows up and asks me to come over after school. I go over there, we hang out, have a blast, and haven't talked since. Why? Why would you ask me to hang out if you really don't care for the friendship? Why would you talk to me and tell me I'm your best friend when you could care less if you never saw me again (and would even PREFER if you never saw me again) I just don't understand. Why can everyone make time for everyone BUT me? Why is it such a chore to hang out with anyone? Why is Josh the only person who really seems to care? I don't understand! Am I really that horrible that only one person in the whole fuckin world cares about me? Maybe the doctor's right, maybe I DO need therapy. Iduno. I'm out.